Transcript
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It's Idiot Wind!
Welcome to Idiot Wind, the panel show podcast. We are broadcasting live from a dungeon in Norwich, apart from, well, we're obviously not live. If these walls could talk, do you know what, I bet they would say things funnier than any of these four. It's the panel, let's meet them. On my left is Danielle O'Hara.
Danny, how are you? I'm good today, thank you very much. Have you had a good week? Yeah, except for it keeps raining, and I've realised my shoes that I've been wearing aren't waterproof. No, and also you haven't been wearing them on your feet. No. And on my right, it's Karn Johnson.
What's the word on the street? Tuesday. I'm quite glad to be here, actually, because I've had a bit of a tough couple of days. It was bath night for the cat last night. So today we're mostly in A&E.
And on my left, on Danielle's team, is the lovely John Newing. Welcome, John. John, how's it going? I've lost four umbrellas. Shit. Yeah. Is that good luck or bad luck? Did you lose them indoors? No, I lost them near post boxes. Oh, that's good luck. As soon as we're done here, let's go out and look for them, man. Okay. Do you have a find? Did you enable the, where is my umbrella? Do you have an umbrella function on them? On the first one I did. Right. And I'm hoping it, like, calls the others. Do they do that? Yes. Oh, you know what? I could help you with this. I could make some posters and we could put them on lampposts. Yeah. Great. Have you seen my umbrella?
We could start a cat. Brella, brella, brella.
And also on my right, it's Mark Womersley.
Hello, Mark Womersley. Hello, Christopher. What's going on in your world? Well, I've been finding quite a lot of umbrellas, but I was very helpful when I posted them. Smash the GPS widget off one of them is my advice. Yes, off the post boxes. No, post boxes don't need GPS. They're static. Ah, yes. So that's what I've been doing. Also, pressing buttons and keeping score, unfortunately, we have Matthew. Matthew, are you all right? I'm adequate. That's, um, I would say that's an elevated sense that you've got there. I'd certainly say you're around or in adequate.
Let's find out if these teams have names. Danny and John, do you have a name? Uh, we do. Thank you very much. What is it? We are... Gerald.
Yeah. Tell us why. Well, because we discussed it and agreed on Gerald. Because we thought that Maureen had been taken. But by who? Um, by... Oh, Maureen. Maureen. Yeah, of course, I think I'm about Maureen. But lots of people don't take Gerald, so we thought we would reclaim Gerald. That's very true. Lots of people aren't called Gerald. Mm. And I... Which I'm not surprised about, because when you think of a baby and a little face and you think, hello, baby Gerald, I mean, I don't know, it seems quite... Maybe it's all right. It feels like it might be all right. You do, Gerald. Yeah, look at you, little Gerald, Gerald, Gerald. Oh, no, Gerald's done the sick on my shoulder. Yeah, but so, um... And our tagline is Gerald, Gerald, Gerald. Lovely. Let's hear it for Gerald. Gerald, Gerald, Gerald. Woo!
Khan and Mark, do you have a team name? We are the Hypothermic Badgers. We are.
Hypothermic? Yes. I don't even pretend to understand what that means. Would you care to enlighten me? Basically, we had a little chat, and we realised that we have something in common. We both have blue badges. Yes. Blue badges? And lattes. And lattes. Blue badges. Yeah, so we decided that if we have blue badges and lattes, then obviously we are Hypothermic Badgers. Mmm. Nice. Let's hear it for the Hypothermic Badgers. Woo!
All right. Let's, uh... Matthew, are we recording? We are indeed recording. Thank fuck for that, because this is gold. We'd be up shit creek if we weren't by now. Okay, well, those are the teams. That's Matthew introduced. Let's crack on with round one.
Sort it out. So, in round one, I will give each of our teams a scenario or procedure, and we'll see if they can indeed sort it out. The first question is for Danny and John. Danny and John, what is the procedure for selecting a new pope? I think the new selection should be based on that programme, the island. And then we could have, like, one group, which could be the pope possibilities, and then the other group could be the pope probably not us, and then they could, yeah, survive on the island. We could see who survives. Yeah. Are you saying probable otters? No, possibly, probably not us, but you know what? Because when you pick a group, there's always a group that gets discarded.
Now, that group might have the best pope in it. Well, I, and sadly, I watched a film by Ron Howard called Angels and Demons, and they showed me what happens in that, and it's not a good film. It's not a good film, is it, John? But they lock old men in a room with something called the conclave or enclave or onglave or something. I can smell points, John. And then they have to burn something or someone, and if that produces white smoke, you get a pope. That's not so far away from survival. No. And smoke signals. So they may burn the problem of otters. Are you trying to get in on John's clear play for points there? Anyway, let's start over. Con and whoever the fuck you are. Mark. Yeah, that's Mark Wormersley.
I think they're making it far too complicated. I think you just need ten candidates standing in a triangular formation, a big ball rolled towards them, and whichever one's left standing. Yeah. Popey. Popey. Nice. Ten pin poping. Yep. I mean, I'm personally a big fan of reality TV and sort of that kind of sort of game show format that we now, the world we now live in. I think what you should do is you turn it over to those sort of TV shows. But you do it in a couple of stages. So you have the first round of contestants. They have to do like a papal version of MasterChef. Or they have to cook a fine, fine meal using just wine and wafers.
And then the final round. Do you remember the game Splash? Remember this celebrity had to learn how to dive? Yes. With what's it, Tom Daly? Yeah, that's it. And the way that works is you have your final three on the top board. And the winner is the one who lands on the water first and runs to the end. Could I argue that Big Brother might be a better, you know, if we put all the popies in a house and we actually see how they behave? Do you have a hot tub? Popey hot tub? See, now that's interesting. Because, yeah, whenever you say pope, I'm thinking soap on a rope. Are you? And so if you put them in the hot tub... They just dangle there. Pope on a rope. Making the water... Pope on a rope. Making the water slightly popey. Popey. Pope-a-ray.
If there are points for Pope on a rope, I'd like to point out I said it first.
Let me get this right. You think that there are going to be points for Pope on a rope. If there are going to be points for Pope on a rope, I want to say Pope on a rope as well. Can I just say Pope-a-ray for you? Minus one point from Danny. Oh.
John, would you like to say Pope on a rope? No. Be careful. Not anymore. Can I add another round to my idea? In a minute, we might have to move on from the very first question.
There was a reality show where they had people making stuff, like crafty stuff, doing craft and knitting and all that. The Great British make shit off. Yeah, that's the one. And I think it'd be nice if they had the first round of contestants all had to make a nice bowl of something that smelt nice. Pope-a-ray. Oh, there we go. I think that you have brought into reality the proto-joke that Danny was going on. That was exciting. Something happened, I think. I've forgotten it already. But let's go over to Matthew and see if any points were scored at any point. We did have some points. Oh, fucking hell. I know, right? For the word conclave, we've got a point. Yeah. For talking about setting fire to papers and white smoke, that is another point. It was also half a point, because Danny was kind of sort of getting to this point,
which is rule out one of them over allegations of improper conduct.
I believe that is a probably not her, but of course, that was only half a point, and she lost one point. Yeah. So that's left Gerald on one and a half points. There we go. Okay, well, we'll take that. All right, let's move on. And Mark and Khan, your question is, what is covered in the pre-flight briefing for hot air balloon passengers? Ah, well, one of the important things is make sure you get in first to get a window seat. And also, I think that would, for want of a better term, they'd have to have a crash course in basket weaving, should there be repairs needing undertaken. You also have to know where the Prosecco is. Gerald, what are your thoughts?
I would suggest that they need to be able to look at the exits, which would be left to right and straight ahead. Also, double check that no one has got inflammable items on them. Yes, good. Because that's not what you want. You don't want the fire in the wrong place. You don't want to go off in a hot air balloon. No, which would also, I would suggest, mean they need to go to the toilet before they go. Because, like, if they're up there for an hour and a half, have they got a bucket? Weight is a problem as well, bringing in more things on with you, so you should go for the poo before you get on. Do you think there might be a weight quota per person? I think so. Do you think you should also not do your weekly shop on the way? Yeah.
And you should not have sharp objects on you, because people throw them all the time in the air. He's going for points again, isn't he? You can see his brain working in his face. Shouldn't have hats on. No hats. You also can't take your pet giraffe on board, because it's too high in scorched ears, it's not good. But, bizarrely, you can have a Pope on a rope. You did say it. I did. Minus one point to John. Okay, so we had lots of answers there. Matthew, has any of that made any sense? Well, none of them are on the list that I've got. However, I do feel that going to the toilet should be on the list, so there's a point for that, but then it's immediately deducted for a Pope on a rope. So, let's have the scores at the end of round one.
We have one and a half points to Gerald, and a flat nothing to the hypothermic badges.
Okay, this week we are taking a look at the warm, cuddly, and generally society-enhancing world of advertising. The companies in this round have had some trouble with translation. Can you tell me what products are being referred to here? Question one. In China, what was marketed with the slogan, bite the wax tadpole? Danny. Pope on a rope. No. Marco. Condoms. No.
John. Cigars. No, it was in fact Coca-Cola. What in Mexico was advertised citing that it wouldn't make you pregnant? John. Men.
Con, con. Donald Trump. No. Coca-Cola. No, Mark. Condoms. No, it was in fact Parker pens.
What was KFC's finger-licking good originally translated to in their Chinese advertising? Con.
No. Anyone else? John. Try not to eat your fingers. I'm going to give you that. It was actually, we will eat your fingers.
Number. Panasonic launched a Woody Woodpecker branded web-ready PC. What was the slogan?
Danny. Peck with me.
Half a point. Hang on, what was it again? It was a Woody Woodpecker what? Branded web-ready PC. Not that any PC isn't fucking web-ready.
Mark, sorry, I forgot what was going on. I just thought I was at home. Is it Mark? Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. No. It is in fact, Danny? The peck-peck-peck. No. It was in fact, um, Touch Woody, the internet pecker.
That's not good. Next question. The American Dairy Association tried to replicate its Got Milk campaign in Spanish-speaking territories, but what did they ask consumers instead of Got Milk? Khan.
Got Milkey. No. Mark. Got Breasts. No. John. Got Lay. No. They, in fact, put up billboards asking people, are you lactating? That was close. What was, you were, half a point to Mark. Um, what was Schweppes tonic water translated into for an Italian campaign? John. Bubbly liquid. No. Mark. Fart water. No. Although not a million miles away. Half a point to Mark. Mark again. Flatulence giver. Minus a half to Mark. Um, no, it was, con? Gas water. No, it was, in fact, Schweppes toilet water.
Um, Nike trainers were made for the Chinese. The Chinese market, using the symbols for prosperity and luck. They put one on each heel, but what they didn't realise is they have a new meaning when placed side by side. What was that new meaning? Khan. You're fucked. No. Mark. Amputee. No. Sweatshop. No. That would have been excellent.
John. Money is good. No, it wasn't fact. Mark. Fuck you. No, it was, in fact, get fat. I was close. Half a point to Khan. People have worked out that all they have to do to get half a point is say, I was close. But not poking a rope. What did... Minus one to John. What did... What did Iranian soap company Paxam call their snow laundry detergent in English-speaking territories? Khan. Coke. No. It was bath.
Which global brand promised to bring relatives back from the grave in China? Danny. Weetabox. No. Khan. Trump Hotels. No. Mark. Bird's Eye Potato Waffles.
They're not that versatile.
It was, in fact, Pepsi, who tried to market that it brings you back to life, it rejuvenates you, and they said, bring your relatives back from the grave.
What is the translation of Mercedes-Benz's initial name, Benzai, when it launched on the Chinese market? The audience might have it. John? Bend over? No, but I like it. Euthanasia. Half a point to John. Sorry, Mark, what was that? Euthanasia? No, half a point to Mark, though.
We're going to kill you. No. It was, in fact, rushed to die. Lovely. OK, that brings us to the end of round two. Matthew, what's going on over your neck of the woods, mate? We have some points, finally, for the Hypothermic Badgers. Thank you. A whole two of them. But Gerald is proving to be a very popular name, indeed, at three and a half points. Yes! Thank you, Alex. Thank you, Paul. All right. What follows round two? Probably round three.
Local Life. It's time for Local Life. OK, in the third round, called Local Life, we take news stories from local life around the world. That's sort of global life, really, innit? But it's called Local Life, so we're going to just say that it's local, because it's always local to someone, so it's local life, innit? Question one to Danny. What is the Victor Wind Museum crowdfunding £6,666 to buy from a young boy in Peru? A kite. No. Anyone else? Paddington Bear. No. I think, given the clues in the figure, I think they're trying to get the devil off him. Yeah, right. It's his soul, probably. But I think I do know the answer to this. John knows the answer. I do know the answer.
Because, for some reason, this boy has got some sort of, well, bizarrely, a decapitated head. Yeah, let's give John the points. And they want this head. Yeah, that's right. It's going to be a... They're going to raise that amount of money, £6,666, for a thousand-year-old mummies head. As with all crowdfunding campaigns, there are rewards that you can get by supporting the cause. In this case, if you pledge £16, you will receive three chocolate anuses. That's true. I'll give you the web address later. £35 gets you a skull of a small animal. And for £550, you get the penis bone of a walrus. Okay, question two, and this is for Khan. What is Hull resident Roy Goldspink right royally sick of? Hull.
That's a good answer. He may well be. That's not what I was looking for, then. Chocolate bars getting smaller, because that annoys everybody. The price goes up, the bar gets smaller. What is that about? Yeah, that's very true. It's very true. It probably is, again, probably something else that he is sick of, I would imagine. Mr Goldspink sounds like a wise joke. Yeah, is his name being misspelt?
Are you going Goldspank or Gildsponk? Well, he's like women keep approaching him because they think he has a high quality of... Jam. Donor possibilities. Donor kebabs. Donor spink. Daniel? The Duchess of Cambridge? No. The answer is that he constantly hears the national anthem playing in his head, sung by a male voice choir. All of the time, very loud, it's very distracting for him. Roy hopes that the Queen will come and visit him one day, but also stated, I don't know what caused it. All I know is it's a group of men singing it, and they're singing it very well indeed. So at least they're singing it well, right? Well, that's his opinion. Yeah. Yeah, he's entitled to it, John. I mean, that could be quite bad.
He just wouldn't know, would he? There's no... Since they're in his head, I think I can feel the syndrome coming on. No, it's all right, it's gone. Roy, I feel your pain. Okay, let's move on to question three. This is for John. John, the Bina Biotel design studio has designed a clock that uses what instead of numbers?
The noises people make throughout the day. So, like, in the morning, it's, oh, I'm waking up, and midnight's going, I love you so very much. I want a kebab. That sort of, I think that would be great for, like, turn time for the day. I'd use it. Yeah, well, you have a nice time at midnight, don't you? Yeah. Love followed by kebab. Not always in that one. My kind of man. Sometimes, simultaneously. Do you mind if I rest my garlic sauce there? Any thoughts? Any other thoughts? Is it? Mark? Sorry. Yes, I was going to say, is it a different kind of digit? They used severed fingers? Yeah, no. No? I thought it was a clock that was supposed to help you actually get to sleep, so that it's to be replaced with sheep.
Just an increasing number of sheep. Yeah. One, two, three. Can't wake up. Whoa. Danny. Well, I was actually going down the same route as John. Oh, you're going to get a kebab and some love? Well, I hope so. I was thinking when you said that, I was like, well, I know a friend who's got a bird tweet clock, and they tweet as the day goes on. Oh, okay. And so you get the hour coming out at the hour time. Oh, that's very sweet. I think it's a cake o'clock. That's it. Sorry. Or hiccuping is, you know, after tea time. What time would cake o'clock be? Well, it could be. That's the complicated thing, because that is the problem with maybe, could it be personalised clock? So you'd have to configure it yourself. Yes. When would you go for cake?
Oh, I think I'd go for cake about five o'clock. In the morning? Possibly in the evening. No. Five o'clock in the morning is definitely snoring. What would signify quarter to 11 a.m.? Quarter to 11 a.m. I mean, you're kind of into brunch. Yeah, brunch. So that's two pancakes and bacon. Yeah, and two cakes. This is too sensible. I was just hoping for a throwaway comedy answer, if I'm honest. Second practice. Fuck's sake. It's not question time. I was hoping for the alarm clock at quarter to 11, if I'm honest. Well, see, quarter to 11 is a bit early to really be doing anything. Come 11 o'clock, that's wide o'clock. You can start drinking. That's fine. But quarter to 11, yeah. I just thought when Dave said bird tweets, I imagined like an owl on the internet going, it's night time. Can I, can I? I was telling everyone that. Can I make a shameless grab for point two?
Hashtag twit to woo. Yes. Being a point two. Um, it's, I think it's lashes. It is points for Mark. It's lashes. Yes. Let's do clapping. Yes, the answer is eyelashes. Well, not real eyelashes. The circuit, yeah, exactly. Your disgusted response is quite accurate, audience. Not real lashes. The circular design features replica eyelashes all the way around the inside edge. Instead of hands and numbers, the hours and minutes are indicated by gaps in the lashes. The designer stated that it was designed not only a timepiece, but also a meditative aid for its owners. I've seen the video. And can I just say, calm and meditative is not how I felt. In fact, I did some sick in my mouth. It's disgusting. Okay, and final question in this round is for Mark.
And the question is, for what unusual reason was Salford City goalkeeper Max Crombie sent off in their 2-1 win over Bradford Park Avenue last week? Ah, yes, I know this. He was a big fan of Discworld. And he thought he was the librarian, which is an orangutan. And he kept swinging on the crossbar and obviously let too many goals in, even though they were winning. And so he got sent off. I'd love to give you a point for that, but it's bollocks.
I've often thought that the goalkeeper can often end up being down there for quite a while on its own. And how a goal, there's so much design possibilities. Like, there's literally nothing going on in that goal. Making it a bijou apartment. Yeah, I mean, there's so much you could be doing in that space. Did you basically think he was recreating DIY SOS? Yeah, something like that. He was building an extension in a swimming pool and making it all accessible and putting in an upper floor. Because actually most footballers these days have a different career and it's often in housing. So I think, yeah. That'd be a huge amount of space for Chelsea Park, wouldn't it? Yeah.
You could park a bus in there, mate. I do tragically, unfortunately, know the answer to this. Okay. He relieved himself. He did. And there's some contention as to whether he was deliberately exposing himself to the away fans while having a wee. He maintains he just got caught short and he cleared it with the referee and he was allowed to go and have a wee. He just happened to be doing it right in front of the away fans. Right on an away fan's face. Well, you know, these things can happen. No, I don't think that was true. I've made that up. That's liable. Points for Khan. Yes, he got a red card, although perhaps a yellow would have been more appropriate.
I thought he handed it very expertly, Stuttgart's director of sport told the Guardian. It was a tricky situation. It reminded me of the Tour de France.
So at the end of round three, let's go to Matthew in the exciting score booth. Gerald's lead has been cut down to only half a point. So it's four and a half to Gerald and the Hypothermic Badgers hot on their tails with four. All right, it's time to play round four.
Hot, rich, ka-plunk. That's right. Round four is hot, rich, ka-plunk. Oh, rich. I wasn't sure what that said. I so misheard that. Yeah, no. No, no, no, you did. No, both of us. So I'm sure I don't need to explain the rules to hot, rich, ka-plunk. It's very, very simple. Indeed, we all know the standard game for the ka-plunk. I'm sure we all know this variation as well. Matthew has a ka-plunk set over there and in it he has 20 sticks with each with a type of curry written on it. Our team members are going to each take it in turn to name a type of curry. Matthew will pull out that stick from the ka-plunk set and see which marbles fall. Each marble has on it the name of a country.
Matthew will then cross-reference this with the GDP of that country in 2016, total up what the total monetary amount of the curry stick fall is. And then at the end of the round we'll see who has the lowest GDP in total and they shall get a point. Okay, I think to start us off we will go with... Hang on a minute, Chris, hang on, it's been a bit fiddly trying to set this set up. Oh, you haven't got marbles everywhere, have you made? No, it's fine, it's just one that's... Okay, that's fine, it's okay. Are you okay? Yeah, disaster-referred. Good to go, all right, don't, don't, don't, fuck it up. I'm trying. Not again. It's resting on the soundboard, to be honest. The last time, we know what happened. Yeah, well, I don't think we should talk about that. No, not again. It was Vindaloo that did it. Yeah, every time. Did you ever sort out your trousers? Let's move on. Mark, I think it's you to go first.
We have rolled some Bindi Badgie earlier and it's come up Mark. So, Mark, if you'd like to kick us off. I would go for a Danzac.
Okay, that's no balls. John?
I will have a Madras. That is a single ball. Let's have a look. You've got Vietnam. Okay, come on.
Rogan Josh. Interesting. And there's also no balls. No balls. No, that's good. That's what you want. Oh. Is it? Yeah. Come on, guys. You know how hot, rich, ka-plunk works. You want to not drop your marbles. The person with the highest GDP loses. I was feeling bad for the other team. Danny? I would like to go for a Korma.
That was two balls. Two balls. Let's see what we've got there. Let's see what we've got. That's not good. That's Germany. Oh, that's a big GDP. That's in the top five. Portugal is the other one. Oh, that's going to be a big score. Matthew, could you just make a note to just test Karn's urine after this round, please? In my defence, I thought we were playing vegan rules. Ah, no. This is a very meaty person. Mark?
I'd like a booner. He, he, he.
How old are you? It took a while to come down there.
That's Norway, Mark. Norway. Okay, I think that's not, not huge, but surprisingly, um, large for its size, I think, though. Uh, John? Uh, I'm going to go with the wild Thai green curry. Ooh. Ooh. Yeah.
Oh, mate. Come on, John. What? Balls everywhere, mate. Oh, hang on. There's loads of these bleeding things. Hey, but there's ones on the floor, mate. Yeah. Can you get that one? That's Hong Kong. Okay.
Don't forget, don't forget Hong Kong. Hong Kong is India, we've got Belgium in there. Oh, fucking hell, John, this is awful. Colombia's rolled off to the audience. Hide it. Just hide it. Yeah, don't worry about, oh. Anyone know the GDP of Colombia? Poor. I'll just guess. How's it going, Matthew? I think I've just about got... Right, Khan. Let's rattle the last two off. Khan. Okay. I mean, this is very exciting. Di Piazza. Ooh, Di Piazza, Di Piazza. Oh, that may have only been one, but that was the United States. Oh. Oh, sorry.
And the final stick for Danielle. He's going to be a madras. Oh, we've had madras, I'm afraid. Oh, no. Pick again. Did it have any balls in it? Well, it doesn't matter. Oh. Oh, okay. It's been pulled out and balls have or haven't fallen. I think we're not doing too well with this, are we? There's a masala and delusion in this. You can confer if you wish. There's a fowl. What's that? It's very hot. It's hot, so you need a glass. It's often not on a menu, it's so hot. Can we have a fowl? They're going for the fowl. Ooh. Okay, now that's fine. That was only the UAE and Denmark. Oh, Denmark, yeah. So, okay. Well, I think that we'd probably better hold it there because the audience are getting extremely excited by this game.
So, Heywood, put your kaplunk away, toss up the GDP.
Yeah, there we go. And toss up your GDPs. And whoever has the lowest. Can you just give me, like, ten minutes? Matthew. Where did you find them? Matthew. This is, like, the last time, isn't it? Yeah. Can I just... Can I just... No. No, no one can. All right. Matthew, regardless, just have the points, however you've got them now. This is an absolute clusterfuck. I've got a point. Mark gets the point for having the lowest total GDP in hot riches. Let's hear it for Mark!
I think we'll all agree that was incredibly exciting. Okay, let's move on now to round five. Let's suppose that you're writing a really important email to a colleague. Nah, fuck. That is TED Talks bollocks. That's right. Round five is TED Talks bollocks. In this round, everybody is going to speak with their words and say things, and some of them are going to be true, and some of them are going to be bollocks. The idea is that the ones with the bollocks in their mouths are going to try and make it like they've got the truths in their mouths, and the one with the truths in their mouths are going to slightly give the impression they've got the bollocks in their mouths. The other team is going to try and differentiate the one from the other, the bollocks from the truths, and state so with a wave and maybe a jaunty smile. Okay, that's the rules established. Let's go over to Mark and Khan first, and Mark is going to start us off. He's going to talk for 30 seconds, a little mini TED Talk, if you will.
Mark is going to be talking on the subject of spam. Spam is Mark's subject. He's going to be talking about spam for 30 seconds, which we'll start now. I remember spam at school. It was a kind of constituted or reconstituted cheap ham that they used to slice up and put in batter and fritters and force-feed them to you. It was a strange school. More recently, though, it's obviously the stuff you get in emails and unsolicited, unwanted junk, that kind of thing.
Lovely. Thank you, Mark, for your TED Talk. Right. Khan is now going to talk for 30 seconds on the subject of guide dogs. Guide dogs, Khan is going to be talking about for the duration of 30 seconds as aforementioned, and his time starts now. Guide dogs are the little four-legged friends of people who have eyesight problems, and they are trained from, I was going to say birth, but that's a little too soon. You have to train them from puppyhood, and they go out to special trainers, and you're not allowed to interact with them when they're working. They're only allowed to walk about and help people see where they're going. And it's kind of weird with guide dogs because you have to trust them to know how to cross a road these days because they've got... Yeah, lovely. All right.
So, Gerald, you are now in the position of trying to work out which one was talking to bullshit. What do you think, John? I don't know. It's difficult. It's difficult. I mean, I like Khan. Really? Do you? It's words.
Mark had two different types of spam. He was double spamming it. He was double spamming it. He was also giving us the, oh, I don't know what to say about this look, but that could be his... His tactic. It probably is his tactic. That's the thing. But bizarrely, you know, I know things about guide dogs and spam because I'm a weird man. You eat guide dog spam? I come from Brighton.
Also, am I the only one who thinks actually spamming batter might sound quite nice? Yes. Oh, OK. So, I'm going to have to push you here. I want to say... What do you want to say? That Khan is lying. OK, let's say that. Khan, were you talking to bullshit? I was winging it. He was winging it. Well done. Points to these two. I think you played my hand for us. OK, we are going to reverse the action now. The guessers become the non-guessers and the non-guessers become the guessers. It's Danny and John. John is now going to talk for 30 seconds on kebabs. He's going to talk about kebabs. And his 30 seconds start approximately now.
So, at midnight, I like to have a kebab. And it's often a doner kebab, which they tell me comes, well, Turkish kebab. But in America, it's called a giro or a giro. I mean, do you remember the end of the film The Avengers? And they go have a giro at the end of The Avengers. It's basically the same thing. It's pita bread with meat in it. And I watched a programme once with, what's his name, blonde guy Gordon Ramsay. And the guy says, you can eat kebab meat fresh because it's, like, you know, without being cooked. Like, proper gravy. A very educational talk. OK, and now we're going to move over to Danny. And Danny is going to be speaking for 30 seconds about Westlife. Westlife is Danny's subject. And her 30 seconds commence now.
I'm really pleased to be talking about Westlife because people will often talk about them as a boy band. But these are grown men. And what people don't remember is that they started out with five. And just like the Spice Girls, when three became two or two became one, the Westlifers, they became less at some point. But that did not stop their popularity because I believe they went on for some years. And they became the Westlife move as the lights go up. And, yeah.
All right, Mark and Khan. You heard lovely talks there about kebabs and Westlife. But which one was the bullshit? I personally think Danny was bullshitting. I'm inclined that way, I must admit. Can I just explain why? You certainly can.
It's because it sounded like her talking normally. So I just, it seemed like she, it just, no, I just felt like it was too, too interspersed with nonsense. Yeah. I mean, she knew about the Westlife move. Yeah. She knew about the Spice Girls going three to two to one to nothing to care. But John did manage to cross-reference his love of kebabs at midnight and then shoehorn in the bit of the Avengers. Yeah. Now, if he'd rehearsed this properly, I think he would have mentioned the fact that the kebab scene in the Avengers was added afterwards. This is getting very technical. Yeah, push it.
And a little bit dull. Could I push you for an answer? I've totally changed my mind. I think John was winging it. What's your answer? I'll go with, yeah, we'll go with John. John, John, were you talking bollocks? I was talking utter bollocks. John was talking bollocks, women. All right. I think there was points all round there. Hayward, Matthew, rather, that's your name in this. Matthew. What do we think when it comes to numbers vis-a-vis points? The hypothermic badges are still half a point ahead, six to five and a half. All to play for. All right. All to play for going into the last. Yeah, Gerald. All to play for going into the last round. And that is round six.
Time for the last round. It's round six. It's on the buzzers. Question one. 91,000 people have signed a petition to support the renaming of fire ants to what? Con. Annoying little bastards. No. Tiny. John. Tiny buggers. No. Mark. Bum biters.
Danny, any thoughts? No. The answer is spicy boys. What is the collective noun for unicorns? Danny. Unican. No.
Con. A fucktum. No. John. A made up. No. Mark. A cob. No. No. It is in fact a blessing of unicorns.
So made up. Name something that's made up of 70 pieces of wood. John. A 70 piece wooden jigsaw. Yep. I'll take that. That's fine. You could have also had violin. In what musical key do most toilets flush? Danny. D major. Nope. Con. B sharp. No. Mark. B flat. What was that? B flat. No. John. A flat. No, it was E flat. E flat. Who is this? Somebody stuck some big fat man up in the front to give me dirty looks all night long. I swear to God.
Danny. The queen? No.
Theresa May. No. Con. Priti Patel. No. Mark. Melanie Griffiths. No, it was in fact Madonna. Oh. Who is this?
John. Reddy Head doing this on Creep. No. Great guess though. Con. Drunk Unicorn. No.
Prince Philip. No. Mark. Um, Donald Trump actually talking out of his arse. John. The cast of Friends after being drunk. No. Matt, who was it? It was the Chuckle Brothers as heard from the studio next to where they were filming. How many eggs do mackerel lay in one go? Mark. Ten thousand. No. Con. Seventy-four. No. John. Two. No. Danny. None. No, it's half a million. I've got 90,000 pounds in my what? Danny. Pocket. No. The con. Pyjamas. No. Can. No. No. Uh, body belt. No, dreams. Oh.
Name this song.
Sorry. Sorry. Sound of silence.
Point to John. Name this song. Save for your body shot. Save for sand and sleep. Save for sand and sleep.
Shut up your face. Yes. Shut up your face. Joe, don't you? And the final question. On what occasion might you receive... I've started, so I shall say words in a continuation. On what occasion might you receive three naked men embracing? Danny. Um, on giving the gifts to God, a Jesus when he was born. Yes, I will accept that for a point. Anyone else want to have a guess on another occasion? Uh, when you agree to join the Tory party. Yes, that's also worth a point. John? When your sex life's gone a bit dull? Yeah, that's, that's also true. And Mark? Uh, posing for the Isle of Man flag. Yes. Two points for that answer.
Um, and also, if you receive a Nobel Peace Prize, because three naked men are on the thing. You get the medal thing, the thing, the peace prize thing, the thing. If you, if you, if your piece is priced. Is that the thing that Robert Mugabe is down to win next year? No, I think he's on Strictly or something. Oh, yeah, yeah. So that brings us to the exciting end of tonight's, um, quiz. And, uh, let's, I'm sure everybody is on literal tenterhooks. Probably actually on the edge of their seat. Let's go over to Matt for the final scores. Well, it finished a very close half a point in it.
So it's nine and a half to Gerald. But the Hypothermic Badgers have ten.
Well played. A win for the Hypothermic Badgers. A bowl of golden syrup for our winners. Donald Trump's actual golden syrup for our losers. Thank you all for being here and for downloading and listening. Um, and, uh, yeah, we will be doing more of this again soon. So thank Matthew for keeping score and for our teams for taking part. Let's hear it for Danny O'Hara.
For Carlton Johnson.
For Mark Wombersley. And John Newing. I am Chris Rees. Please join us next time we play Idiot Wind. If you enjoyed the show, please consider supporting us. You can do so at patreon.com Clam, clam, clam, clam, clam, patreon.com Uh, forward slash Idiot Wind. This excellent music is Yes I Do by the Melvins.
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