Transcript
DownloadMachine-made, so expect the odd mishearing. Hit a timestamp to jump the player there.
remember to subscribe to idiot wind in itunes or wherever you get your podcasts you can also hear all previous episodes at our website which is idiotwindpodcast.com hi yeah chris here just wanted to let you know that for the first 10 minutes we had some problems with mark and john's microphones so forgive the sound quality being a bit rubbish when they talk like i say get sorted after about 10 minutes enjoy the show
welcome to idiot wind the panel show podcast that really should have as its theme tune idiot wind by bob dylan unfortunately that would cost us a million pounds so instead i've kept that million pounds i've divided it four ways and got for you four of the finest comedy brains i could find behind the bins in the park let me introduce you to them firstly to my left is danny o'hara
danielle how are you i'm good thank you very much how are you going to spend your 250 000 pounds um i think i uh well i had an odd thing that happened to me this week oh so i might buy some oats because i have started to drink oat milk and i had porridge which is oat and then i poured the oat milk on top of the porridge and it felt like oh my god it's like the chickens eating chickens scenario like chicken and egg in the same meal no no it's like the whole you know semonella are chickens eating chickens oh you think oats are eating oats well it's like you know i just made me think oh oat cannibalism do you see what i'm saying no on my right is john newing
john how's it going man it's uh i'm here yeah tell us your thoughts my thoughts all of them all of them well i mean i'm quite pleased you gave me the money yeah nice in advance so i don't know why i'm still here actually in many ways yeah that was a mistake that was a mistake i feel like i've invested the money i've um decided to start a ninja school oh and a pirate school oh because i want to know which one will win and on my left is khan johnson khan how are you oh it's been a busy week yeah what are you up to uh football manager 18 dropped
on on sunday night so i've been really busy for the last three days and on my right is joining john is mark wombersley i've gone with wombersley it changes slightly every time there's no b in it is um all that it leaves me to do is introduce our lovely scorekeeper and button pusher it's matthew how are you matthew i'm okay chris any thoughts i do have one it's a question for you oh god one million in 250 000 pound installments is only four people isn't it ladies and gentlemen matthew
okay so this is a team game each of our teams have come up with a clever cunning and interesting team name daniel com what's your team name oh that's really good question is it yeah there's quite the story to this oh god uh we we are the timbuktu tutu mugumbu alternative i see and pray why well apart from the fact that it's really catchy um we used to be we used to be in a clown troop right but the bottom has fallen out of the clown troop market um so we we formed a new dance troop but we had to go look for work elsewhere yes and so we took our show to africa and what were the odds there was already
a group called the timbuktu tutu mugumbu so we had to come up with a new name hence alternative very good okay ladies and gentlemen it's what he just said and over on this side do you two have a team name yes we are the children of gherkin i i see uh why well we we fought long and hard in the pub about this and um how long and hard john about four inches i realize you can't see this because it's a podcast but i've got my fingers out in about four inches length for the audience john is indicating four inches and how hard john is indicating slightly more than four inches i don't know how that scale works
but we'll go with that so yeah well we decided children of gherkin because you know mark and i are both slightly sour mostly made of liquid a bit knobbly and we don't mix well with onions and it's children of gherkin all right well that's all of the housekeeping done i think we better start this bloody quiz the first round it's sort it out the first round is called sort it out as we get underway i will give each of our teams some kind of scenario or situation to see if they can indeed sort it out or whether they're as grossly incompetent as oh say the commander-in-chief is the biggest military in the world um we're going to start over this side i can't remember your name
i'm going to call you danny and khan with your question what is the procedure for the crew of a passenger airliner in the case of incapacitation of the pilot or co-pilot incapacitation as in the head's taken off i think that's decapitation but that's good as well it does the same job well i mean it's actually it's it's in the procedure that you get taught when you're on the plane right uh the first thing you do is you go into a blind panic right um but i then i i saw actually a documentary about this a while back and what actually happens is an inflatable pilot
blows up smiling and they take over right yeah i mean yeah no um i must admit my mind went to the decapitation um well decapitation does lead to incapacitation so run with it okay well one would not be a good idea i feel can you run when you're decapitating no well i'm not sure yet khan if you're running with scissors that might lead to decapitation i think your body does keep running after your head cams off but anyway um i think it's like um green amber red scenario so if it was completely off that's a scenario red if it's maybe not quite too bad like if a glass has just gone into them now i'm going
down the decapitation i need to stop that don't i know please carry on i'm loving it so what you're saying is there's an amber state of your head coming off possibly where it's it's just oh it's a bit of a bugger but it's still all right yeah well at amber um you are becoming um a hazard to the co-pilot and to the and to the because it's flapping around yes and also someone would have to hold you on and um my suggestion at this point is to land the plane and not to talk about it because of the time difference you don't want to the next akin don't need to hear about that land the plane and don't tweet about it it's an excellent answer can i just say when it comes to decapitation my favorite alert state is green everything's fine head is perfectly attached that's my preferable state
until any thoughts over here children of gherkin well i assume you check if they're faking because they might be faking yeah it'd be funny pilots are always faking that kind of stuff aren't they and then then slap them to see if they're still faking so if if you work out they're not faking your your your plan is don't believe them yeah yeah and then and then slap okay well then next stage is to strip because people will often wake up when you start getting naked around them let's go over to matthew now and see if anyone scored any actual points i'm giving a point i'm giving a point to uh
oh um talking about well was it calm it's not quite true but it does say liaise with other flight crew members and an inflatable pilot is still a crew member yeah yeah that's worth the point i mentioned the usherette people and the other co-pilot talking about... Was it calm?
I mean, I'm here. Can you be honest? Which one of you mentioned an inflatable pilot? That was me. It was calm. I've got it right, I should have just guessed. Well done, Matthew, have a point. It's not quite true, but it does say liaise with other flight crew members and an inflatable pilot is still a crew member. That's worth a point. I mentioned the Usheret people and the other co-pilots. They don't count as... Usherets are in cinemas, generally. But you have films on planes. Yep, good point. Point to Danny.
Any other points there? No, the rest was all rubbish. Oh, good. Can I just raise a small point? I mean, probably not. OK. I'm just concerned that the whole slapping thing, if we're in the amber state of decapitation where the head could fall or stay, slapping could move you into the red stage. Yeah, you should not move a head for head injuries. It could further neck injuries. Yeah, especially if partly decapitated. That is on the list. Tighten and manually lock the shoulder harness of the incapacitated crew member. Thank you. Whoa. I mean, technically Danny gave that answer in the non-answer section of the round, if we're honest. Fair enough. But you're the scorekeeper. You know what the fuck you want, can't you, mate? Good. All right. Well done, everybody.
So let's go on to the next question now, which is first going to go towards children of Gherkin. Your question is, what is the US Department of Homeland Security's safe mail handling procedure? A, how do you identify suspicious mail? Hmm, how do you do that? B, how do you handle a surprise package? Not like that, Mark. The US Homeland Security would obviously put all the white envelopes to one side because they'd be fine. And of the ones that are not white, any that are marked Manila, like Manila envelopes, they would obviously be suspicious of those, not really probably knowing where in the world that might be. but it does sound a little bit dangerous. So I think that might be the initial. Yeah.
John? I think they shake them. Yeah. And if it makes a ticking noise, it's bad. What if it's a clock, John? Yeah. What if it's a clock? Well, I assume they just, they understand a caution, then they destroy it. No one in America has a clock because they can't be delivered because they always destroy them. Yes. Well, you cannot buy a clock nearby. There's not something you can do in America. It's like there's a one clock state. It's one clock per state. You put it in the center of the state and if you want to know the time, you have to drive to it. Okay. Well, that seems like a workable function. Doesn't it? Also, if they show the kinder eggs, they can't have them either, I've been told. Oh, yeah. They hate the kinder eggs. Yeah. Americans hate kinder eggs. They hate kinder eggs. They're not allowed them. No. Why? They've worked out
that tiny, small parts in the toys could actually choke people. So they have banned the kinder eggs across America. You can shoot yourself to your heart's content, but you can't put a little plastic car together because you might do some damage. No kinder eggs, unlimited guns. So they equally explode the kinder eggs as well. So if you send a kinder egg in an envelope, that's like a double whammy. If you put a kinder egg and a clock in the same envelope. Well, then you'd probably be blacklisted. I love the idea that there's lots of people smuggling clocks and kinder eggs inside guns. No, it's just a gun. It's fine. Well, yeah, if it's a gun shape, then obviously they'll let that go through. But if it's an envelope that's marked like health care entitlement, they'll just destroy it. I did send a chicken. Not a chicken. I did send a... Which came first,
the chicken or the kinder egg? I did send a chocolate, a particular type of chocolate, over to my friend in America, and it did get taken. But it was shaped like a gun? Oh, no. No, it wasn't. It was shaped like a little thing on an iceberg. It was shaped like a clock. Any thoughts on how to, once identified, how to handle suspicious packages? Carefully. Good. I think you just sort of lie on them and then explode them later. Lie on them, then explode them later? Yeah. I think handling and suspicious packages are things that shouldn't be put in the same sentence. Unless there's a don't. My suspicious package... So your answer would be don't handle them. Yeah. My suspicious package hasn't been handled in months. And again, don't.
Matthew. Yes. Any points there? Loads of points, actually. Wow. I'm giving... Who was it? I'm giving John two points. It's a team thing, so it makes no difference. But me, though. He used the exact word I've got on my list in front of me, which is ticking. Oh, how about that? So signs that may be suspicious, ticking sounds, protruding wires, or exposed aluminium foil. Oh, there we go. Or kinder egg... Oh, no, that's not. Sorry, can we just clarify that? American Homeland Security are genuinely basing suspicion on the fact that it ticks. To be honest, Khan, you could send a clock with the battery out, but a bomb, you would really have the batteries in. I mean, I'm not suggesting for a second
that I would send a bomb in the post, so anybody listening to this, I'm not saying that. However, if I did put a bomb in an envelope, I think I would hide the wires. I think the head of Homeland Security is Wile E. Coyote. Ah. Any more points, Matthew? There's half a point for not knowing where it comes from, which I know it was a rather roundabout route to get there, but, you know, that is a sign. And I marked one down for calm, for staying calm. I'm not sure if he was calm or the package is calm, but... Okay. Then let's have the points at the end of that round now, Matthew. We have coming in with two and a half points to the Children of Gherkin. Currently winning is the Timbuktu Tutu Mungumbu Alternative
with four. Woo!
All right, let's press on with round two. Lost lost in translation. That's right. Round two is lost in translation. Words are funny, particularly strange words in a strange order. Chaffinch gravy suitcase, you see? Here are some film titles that got lost or changed in translation. Can you, the panel, that's who I mean by you, you, you, tell me the English titles of these films. What was called in China American Virgin Man? Khan Johnson. Sound of music.
Anyone else? No, that wasn't correct. Danielle? American Virgin? Do you mean... Virgin at 40? No. John? American Pie? Yes, pointer, John. Question two. Yes, why not? Question two. If you leave me, I delete you. What was that film in Italy? John? Sound of music. No. Danielle? Titanic. No, it was... Mark? Bambi? No.
No, it was Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Oh, good God. That was the Italian name for that. That makes sense. In China, what was called his powerful device makes him famous? Khan. Ding throat. No. Not a million miles away, though.
John? Dirty Harry. No. Danny? Psycho. It was in fact Boogie Nights. His powerful device did make him famous.
What film in Japan was called I'm Drunk and You're a Prostitute? Danny? Pretty Woman. No. John? Leaving Las Vegas. Yes, pointer, John. Yeah.
Question five. In Portugal, what film was known as Meetings and Failures in Meetings? Mark? Lost in Translation. Yes. Point to Mark. Number six. Hey, Where are the Babies? That was a Swedish film title for... Sound of Music.
No.
Khan? It's still not the Sound of Music. 101 Dalmatians. No. John? Grumpy Old Men. Mark? Three Men and a Baby. No. Good guess. Khan? Babe. It was in fact Swingers. What?
In Argentina, what film was known as Vaseline?
John? Grease is the word. I'll give you that. It's Grease. Grease. Yeah. Oh, that's funny. Number eight. In France, which film, which blockbuster film was called The Young People Who Diverse Dimensions Whilst Wearing Sunglasses? John? Sound of Music.
No. Khan. X-Men. No. Danny? The dogs reservoiring. Reservoir Dogs. Reservoir Dogs? No. Tom? Avengers. I thought this one was really easy. The Young People Who Traverse Dimensions Whilst Wearing Sunglasses. Anyone in the audience? Oh. John? It's Matrix. It's the Matrix. Yeah, point to John. I didn't know all that. In Spain, what was called The Dead Person Is Very Alive. Mark? The Sixth Sense. No. Good guess though. Danny? Ghost. No. It was a weekend at Bernie's.
It's all there. The Dead Person Was Very Alive. And finally, in China, what was called Excitement 1995.
Khan? Sound of Music. No. John? Sound of Music Part 2. No. It was, of course, The Shawshank Redemption.
And at the end of round two, let's go over to Matt and see how that's affected the scores. Well, our African dancing troupe did nothing to do their lead. Not one of those Sound of Music's was right. No, none of them. It sure got funny by the tenth time though.
So it was down to Al Pickle John to take him to seven and a half points. Let's hear it for these guys.
Did he just call him Pickle John? I think he did call him Pickle John. He's riffing on their name. He's scared to do that with yours.
Right. On to round three. What would that be, Hayworth?
Local life. That's right. Round three is called Local Life. Local Life is about local news stories from around the world, which is nonsense really because all news stories are local to someone, right? So it's just like news stories, right? But they're from like local places, right? It's local news, right? It's local news, right? But it's like not here. It's like around the world. It's like global local news. It's mega. All right. Question one. And this is for Mark Wombersley. And what were paramedics able to do to keen angler Sam Quilliam after six tense attempts in Bournemouth last month?
It's not the sound of music. Oh, they managed to land him and put him in their keep net. Not a bad answer. Anyone else have any thoughts? Well, given the fact that anglers just go on endlessly about things they've done, they actually managed to shut him off. They seem like talked to him out of fishing. Like, after six attempts, no, you just don't do it. And then he gave up. He finally agreed and said, he's a shit. Oh, did they, did they, the opposite of what I said earlier, did they throw him back? But he kept scrambling ashore and then on the sixth time and then on the sixth time when they put their feet on his head, he gradually relented and just floated down to the bottom of the lake.
I would love that to be right. Is this the idiot who decided to kiss a fish that he caught and then got it stuck in his mouth? Yes, it is. And a bonus point if you can name the type of fish. Dover soul. Yes, dover soul, yeah.
Yeah. Sam Quilliams said, I just tried to give it a kiss but it started wriggling towards my face. I was shocked by this and when we're shocked, we opened our mouths and it just went in. That is true about opening your mouth because just when you were telling me that, I opened my mouth. Well, you're lucky there wasn't a Dover soul just wriggling at you. I know. I'm going to be conscious of that from this point on. The paramedic added, I've never attended a more bizarre incident. Sam Quilliam. Sam Quilliam said he'd been left a bit shaken up by the incident, adding, things like this happen all of the time. You just don't expect it to happen to you. They fucking don't, Sam, you morse. All right, question two and this is for Khan. What did firefighters have to do with a 2.5 kilogram weight in the German gym in September? Lift it.
Sometimes the simple answers are the best. In this case, that's not true. Anyone else? Well, I guess it was to do with the fireman that did the calendar, the nude calendar and the weights held in a certain way to hide certain bits that they don't want showing. Like their eyes.
Was it Jim J-I-M or G-Y-M? I was going to say, I mean, good question, Mark. It's not a good question. G-Y-M. Do you want a clue? Well, in which case, I think they must have brought their main pump to pump iron.
Clever. But no laugh.
Do you want a clue? You can put that in person. Yeah, let me have a clue. So the clue is that they had to use a grinder and a vibrating saw. Oh my, what? We've gone off tact here a bit. They did what? They had to use a grinder. Was it a weight with a hole in the middle? Yes, it was, Mark. Oh no. Did someone get a bit too excited at the gym? We've all been there. That's not possible, surely. I mean, you can't put a weight on, can you boys? Hang on, it could be a finger, Daddy. I mean, how? Yes. I mean, going straight there. It's not worth bothering with, but you know. How else do you stretch it?
Yes, I think someone gets some points there. I'm not entirely sure who, but yes, they had to cut it off a man's penis. The man in Worms, Germany, had to be sedated while firefighters took three hours to cut and smash through the weight. The fire department offered no details on how the man became trapped, but cautioned, please do not imitate such actions. You see them down the gym. You've seen that down the gym? But you see people on the mat with the weights. I mean, at what point did he think, oh, this is a good idea. Hang on. He just tripped.
That does happen to a lot. Yeah, John. Some of those weights are very attractive. We've all been tempted. They're very symmetrical. I mean, 2.5 kilos, that's like a half a baby when it comes up. Well, you've just made that a lot weirder. Let's move on to question three and this question is for John. John, why did Liam Smythe have to call the fire service at the end of a first date? Because no one else was answering their phone.
I just wanted to tell people, I'm on a date.
I think this was actually because he told a fib on the date and his pants caught fire. Oh.
Wow. That's a sound more. I like that. I thought that was quite clever. Yes. Any other thoughts? I'm not right then. Hot face.