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we gathered here once more in the 12th century undercroft where we intend to do justice to the rich historical surroundings mainly in the form of puns and knob gags and playing the game this week are to my left especially lovely khan johnson khan i'd love to have a chat um well must we no and joining him suzannity jones
suzanna um oh i'll tell you what let's have some banter um what's your favorite cheese um i don't know lovely banter susanna and to my right it's mark womersley yo yo yo hello christopher and joining him is steve keyworth hello steve-o do people call you steve-o i never ladies and gentlemen this is the panel so let's see if there are any team names khan and suzanna do you have a name for your lovely team
apparently we do you do how marvelous what is it over to our captain we are the apprehensive hedgehogs why is that because by the end of a show we will have lots of points hey it's like we thought about this i was sure there was going to be a joke about khan being a prick there somewhere no because i'm nice steve and mark do you have a team name uh we're called nos for our tutu it's a sponsorship thing it's a sort of vampire ballet where kind of company they bringing in some cash those are the teams all that's left to do is to reluctantly say hello to somebody who technically has to be here
um because we couldn't find anyone else it's matthew matthew not not even your girlfriend clapped oh well i was feeling really good but now i i don't feel so good never mind it's time for the quiz let's crack on with round one sort it out yes round one is called sort it out and that's exactly what the teams are now going to try and do i'm going to give them something that they have to sort out and they will try to sort it out as explanations go that one was barely worth the breath teams your question is what were the entry requirements and judging criteria for the strathmore and the glens chutney challenge in 2016
i actually know this uh it's that it must be deep fried oh deep fried chutney you've uh definitely got to enter chutney you're not allowed to do a painting you've done or uh or like a dog or something like that but i think you can't make a dog you can make a dog out of chutney could you make chutney out of a dog yes deep fried dog chutney for me please seriously what are your thoughts do you have to be called doris and have like a nice demeanor i thought you had to be called glenn only open to glenn strathmore
yeah yeah yeah i i think the same criteria was applied to both the judges and the chutney in that they had to be pickled fruity and easily spreadable why have i just thought of mary berry sometimes i don't like myself i believe actually it must also contain haggis and whiskey anyone else want to chuck anything into the chutney um is it judged on the petrovian principles of commodity firmness and delight because i think everything should be judged on that she's gone highbrow again she has i don't know what that word means neither do i i just say it right well some good if petrovian's on there you can have a hundred points
um bearing in mind i wrote the quiz uh so let's let's go to matthew and see if anyone managed to score any points in in round one not a smidgen no point nothing zilch is there nothing at all are you sure we can't crowbar something in well if you mention haggis then the ingredients should all be combined together well but yeah i don't think haggis and a chutney really counts yes as long as it's combined well what about chutney and a haggis haggis is combined well chutney is combined well that's two points so um bereft of any points as we are matthew would you like to just give us your your two or three favorite judging criteria from the list yes i would love to uh pay three pounds per jar
don't get any time wasters chutney should not be overly stiff and uh perhaps my favorite uh there there is an additional prize for best dressed jar of course there is i can't believe none of you got this please brush up on your chutney knowledge because you know what it may well come up again it's one of those sort of mainstream subjects that's going to just come up again and again and again oh right those are the scores no one's got fucking anything you're all useless okay let's go on to round two yes round three is called diplomatic insanity um here i'm going to read out some political gaps that various people have made and uh you just have to answer the questions as simple as that it's
on the buzzers team so get ready with your buzzing devices and off we go question one what did george bush senior do at the end of a state meal on a visit to japan in 1992 calm soil himself no steve he invaded them no no mark um he entertained them with his son george w bush as a puppet no in fact he vomited into the lap of the japanese prime minister kichi miyazawa what have former australian prime ministers john howard and paul keating canadian cyclist lois garnu and michelle obama all got in common no um they all touched the queen in an astonishing disregard for royal etiquette you're not you're not allowed to touch the queen they were all
both the australian prime ministers the um the canadian cyclists they were all over the queen uh mark i've been touched by prince andrew emotionally through his work for charity physically and businessmen but i don't like to talk about it you've been physically touched by is this more one for the police rather than the podcast allegedly where did he touch you um on my handle question three what did what did prince philip ask a group of aboriginal businessmen in a state visit to australia khan that wasn't his indians faux pas was it no mark has my son touched you no
steve he didn't ask as much as say dance dance really loudly no he in fact asked if they still threw spears at each other oh what a shame he's retired in 2000 what faux pas did the german chancellor gerhard schroeder make while visiting israel he invaded palestine no mark did he say i'm not sorry no no he did not he didn't but uh some say actions speak louder than words he did in fact turn off the eternal flame that burns for the six million jews executed by the nazis
as lots of visiting um people do go and see the eternal flame and he went to try and show his um respect by turning the flame up and instead managed to turn it off and then try to relight it with his lighter what piece of advice did the snp claim the former scottish minister jack mcdonald had given regarding children what was his advice to children mark um deep fry them in butter no steve kettle them that would have been good advice but no it wasn't that con uh did he tell him to move to england no he suggested it was okay for him to get drunk once in a while
and it wouldn't be a diplomatic faux pas around without old trumpy would it so the final question is and what faux pas did donald trump make when addressing a press conference at the start of his visit to israel steve just everything he did everything uh uh he said he probably said hello ireland um show me yeah i don't know uh show me show me your famous dragon yes yeah um did he just go on about how great he is and how obama wasn't very good and a bit black and the fact that oh look some jews are here whoops shouldn't talk about the war i mean he probably went on to say that but he said
it's the first thing that he said when he got there he said it's great to be here i've just got back from the middle east completely um not realizing that israel is in fact in the middle east uh good okay let's go over to matthew for the scores i handed a couple of points liberally to mark there because he got close and was the funniest yeah oh wow way to alienate everyone else so nos farah two two two two two have two and the apprehensive hedgehogs have bugger all woo all right it's time for round three local life yes round three is local life if there's one thing i've learned in my 40 years on this planet that we call home it's that things happen things happen on an almost daily basis
i've extracted two of these things from the near infinite continuum of things that happen the teams will now attempt to sober up and shed some light on the things that have happened uh khan and suz your question why were a u.s navy aircrew grounded in washington last week did donald trump want to take a selfie with them but then it took ages because he was just trying to get the perfect selfie and by the time he finished it was dark and they were like oh sod it let's go down to the american equivalent of weatherspoons is it that they forgot washington isn't a port and they were waiting for the ship to come in on a similar vein is it because they got confused because it was called the u.s navy
air force and so they weren't sure if it was a ship they were on or a plane or no wasn't that did one of the pilots just leave his key in the cockpit and they got out and they only stopped off anyway to like get some milk on the way home and then they were coming back and it's like where's my key gone and then they had to retrace their steps all the way and it was actually there all along i know it wasn't that were they uh were they grounded for being naughty they were how how were they being naughty uh they uh stayed out late they should have been back can't like curfew they didn't do their homework they were in weatherspoon i sense points i sense points i'm just going to keep talking
i know that makes noise i know something i know something i'm excited they're the guys who did the drew a cock in the air yes points for car they drew a massive penis in the sky over canagan county in washington state the picture of that is just absolutely fantastic yeah the us navy have confirmed that one of their jets was involved in the drawing of a penis in the skies over canagan county an official from naval air station whidbey island acknowledged that a navy ea-18 growler warplane
that an ea-18 growler warplane was responsible for the immature act on friday vice admiral mike shoemaker told sky news the navy holds its air crew to the highest standards and we find this absolutely unacceptable it has zero training value and we're holding the crew accountable
local resident ramon duran told the spokesman review after it made circles at the bottom i knew exactly what it was doing
it was pretty funny to see i started laughing another onlooker tweeted that it was the most monumental thing that's ever happened mark and steve oh in their community oh fuck it i prepared the first version uh right mark and steve your question is what is scientist mike hughes going to do in a steam-powered vessel made of scrap metal and why i think he's going to annoy a lot of people on the a11
um i think he's going to travel through brexit um he's looked in the guinness book of records he's seen that nobody's done it yet uh before so he's gonna he's gonna do it and he's gonna come out the other side and and get the record and yeah now any thoughts over here uh can i i i i'm hesitant hesitant to answer because i might possibly get another point is he gonna invade france
no susanna hasn't got a point there anything else before khan sweeps and gets a point he's gonna back it onto donald trump's lawn and just make a big shitty mess with it is he going to kettle children
khan go on then your points whore i think you're possibly quite close with making a mess on donald trump's lawn is this the guy who has geniusly decided he's going to fire his homemade rocket 1800 meters straight up in the air to prove that the earth is flat i would give you that it's 1800 feet not meters yes of course it is points like khan yeah well done yeah he wants to prove that the earth is flat so he's built himself a rocket he's going to launch himself 1800 feet um and fly through the air at 500 miles an hour the 61 year old limo driver has spent 15 000 pounds 20 000 building his rocket and his goal is to get 10 miles high so he can prove the earth is disc shaped he also used
protective rust on and paint and a motorhome he brought on craigslist which he's converted into the launch vessel mr hughes said i don't believe in science it will shut oh i'm going to shut the door on this ball earth thing he added he added it's scary as hell but none of us are getting out of this world alive i know not him probably not i know about aerodynamics and fluid dynamics and how things move things move through the air about the certain size of rocket nozzles and thrust but that's not science that's just a formula he's also said that after the jump he's going to announce plans to run for the governor of california i admire his optimism that he thinks he's gonna meet any fit states there's no
there's not gonna be any afterwards okay that brings us to the end of round three matthew any points there mate yes khan has brought them level woo so the apprehensive hedgehogs are tied with um whoever was wearing the tutu right we are on to the penultimate round now let's suppose that you're writing a really important email to a colleague now that is ted talks bollocks that's right round five it's called ted talks bollocks and in this round the people uh sitting in the chairs in the room are going to say the things that are in their heads that are going to come out of their mouth some of them have pre-prepared some of them haven't some of them will hear the subject they're talking on for the first time when i say it and it's the job of the other team to work out who is talking of the bollocks
and who is talking of the truths and to thusly indicate maybe using their own words saying i think that person was talking the bollocks and maybe give me a little wave like that as they do so that's the rules explained let's get on with playing the game the game is going to start with the khan and the suzanne khan is going to talk first khan is going to talk about marmite let's have a 30 second ted talk about marmite from khan starting now marmite is a weirdly quintessential british product which is effectively what they call yeast extract no one's allowed to know exactly how it is made the australians have tried it and called it vegemite and got it horribly wrong and basically marmite is it's got a weird
kind of texture and taste to it it's like bovril only worse and some people say they like it some people they hate it and it's now actually used as a metric measure of how much you like or hate something and this is now officially this is part of lovely talk let's hear from khan yeah thank you beautiful talk about marmite uh suzanne is now going to talk on the subject of yodeling suzanne is going to talk on yodeling for the time of 30 seconds and suzanne's time to talk about yodeling starts now yodeling is the noise produced when you do something weird with your voice box i don't even know how
they do it but it sounds a bit like tarzan but more reminiscent of goats my first experience of yodeling was with the sound of music on videotape at age three there's that lonely goat herd song and it's great because there are puppets and stuff anyway yodeling is a thing they do on mountains and i think it's yeah yeah let's hear from suzanne lovely talk okay over to you two who do you think was talking the bollocks are there puppets in the sound of music there are there are okay don't doubt me steve um i think they were both talking bollocks but the one who was actually winging it i thought
would probably be sue yes i agree okay yeah shall we go for that yeah all right suz why are you talking bollocks i was indeed she was you got it correct well done very good ah damn they got you so hard to make it look like i didn't know what i was talking about well i thought you did rather well okay now we're going to reverse the uh the thing here the yeah yeah basically what i'm trying to say steve and mark it's your go uh mark's going to start us off mark is going to talk about the pole vault the olympic um discipline the pole vault and mark is going to talk about that for 30 seconds
starting now and the pole vault as an event actually came about in um the early 30s and it came out of the fact that the high jump was becoming kind of too formulaic and too kind of um predictable and they wanted to make it more exciting because it was a bit boring um just getting those well it was mainly men back then jumping and running and jumping over a a stick so they thought make it higher give them a stick to use and that's where the pole vault was born that is about the pole vault steve is now going to talk on the subject of driverless cars and steve is
going to talk to us about driverless cars for 30 seconds and his 30 seconds starts now uh i don't know what the fuss is about driverless cars i was in norwich this morning and there was a whole car park full of them that didn't have any drivers at all um i think the first uh the big the big name in driverless cars is tesla and the one they invented first was the knight industries 2000 that was a big one uh philip hammond is famous well the last week he said he was going to get in a driverless car and then downing street said no because it was too much like a metaphor
ah yes well two lovely ted talks but the question for khan and suz is which one was talking bollocks or at least winging it although they were both winging it um no one of them's researched i'm sure of it my feeling is mark actually did look up something i mean he said in the 1940s really quickly which sounds like a fact exactly whereas steve just knows that shit true and i know he was in norwich this morning because he lives in a park
okay i'm gonna have to push you for an answer who are you going for who was talking box uh who was winging it i guess i think steve yeah yeah steve were you winging it no that was heavily researched that was research yeah mark was talking points well done mark you've fooled the panel well
all right we're now coming to the last round of the show oh what a shame um that's absolutely we all want to go home and don't pretend you don't
simply called questions for i'm gonna ask questions and the panel are gonna answer the questions on the buzzers all right question one at the fat burger restaurant chain in america what is the hypocrite burger khan it's vegan no it claims to be healthy no it is a veggie burger topped with bacon name this song
yes when i'm cleaning windows yeah what part of the body does sea cucumbers eat with corn the bottom no suz little knobbly things called toes no no no no like feet feet yes point to do that yes suzanne ah susan r susan r susan r um who is this going to the seaside wasn't about the beach it was really looking at the postcards i used to love them con three to me no anyone else skit steve is it me no it was john lyden um who what uh what would you do with a drunken sailor
khan early in the morning no not when would you do a drunken sailor what would you do anyone else steve uh feed him a lot of sandwiches yes 10 10 points no one point mark oh i was going to say just put him in the recovery position also good another point suz what would you do with the drunken sailor probably throw him overboard but not if i liked him beforehand then i'd probably just like leave him is that the same policy for all people that you meet on a boat yeah um okay uh what is the sum of all of the numbers on a roulette wheel mark 317 no khan house no steve when it's spinning it's basically just a big zero
point to steve like 200. it is like 200. point to suzanne it's 666. how does the mars rover celebrate its birthday with a little hat no it orders pizza no mark nobody knows because it's been forgotten no no mars dog treats no it goes to a little drive out in the country no it sings happy birthday to itself oh and the final question what is unique about the cash machines at the vatican bank con they don't give you out money no steve all the uh money has pictures of the pope on no mark
they're multilingual yes in what way they'll speak different languages they've got latin on yes point to suzanne you can set the language to latin and that brings us to the end of the quiz matt what are the final scores well the apprehensive hedgehogs have six but nos for our tutu have eight well done a hearty handshake to our winners a hearty full english breakfast cooked by me and my feet to the losers um thank you all for listening and being here if indeed you did either of those two things thank you to our performers um let's hear it for the very talented suzanna t jones
for mark womersley
makan johnson
for steve heworth
and i suppose matthew hayward
thank you for listening i've been chris reed see you next time if you enjoyed the show please consider supporting us you can do so at patreon.com clam com cam patreon.com uh forward slash idiot twins this excellent music is yes i do by the melvins idiot wind is produced in partnership with fantata and dogface improv find out more at fantata.com and
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