Transcript
DownloadMachine-made, so expect the odd mishearing. Hit a timestamp to jump the player there.
remember to subscribe to idiot wind in itunes or wherever you get your podcasts you can also hear all previous episodes at our website which is idiotwindpodcast.com
welcome to idiot wind the panel show that definitely exists and uh we are going to sit here and make noises into a membrane in a microphone that's then going to be traveled across the internet and smash into your ear holes danielle uh has is already vying for attention um so i'll tell you what why don't we introduce our first panelist danielle
hello how are you sneezy i'm pretty good actually today thank you the sun's shining good you got a bit of snot hanging from your neck you haven't really i'll just put that on my coat oh it's your coat it's my coat unbelievable at least use robbie's trousers well he hasn't put them on yet and joining phlegmy danielle is non-phlegmy robbie sundland robbie robbie robbie robbie robbie chris chris chris robbie robbie chris chris chris robbie chris chris chris it's danielle and robbie
and seated to my right is the handsome talented and funny martin westgate stop looking around it's this one guys come on martin chris chris you are wearing a superman uh emblem on your in your breast as all the listeners can see are you super i am and a man are you are you both those things i am contrary to popular belief i am actually a man which one do you think is more dubious to onlookers man super and joining him is una johnson
who incidentally is also incredibly talented funny and handsome and super are you super yeah i'm i'm nondescript i think i think i think that's um uh probably accurate these are the panels speaking of nondescript i think we should introduce the other person the elephant in the room if you will matthew how are you oh it's matthew matthew how are you i am surviving surviving are you also super i am not super but i do like soup
and er the medical drama no that was rubbish if you had to choose one adjective to describe your current state what would that be is there an adjective with soup in it i think it's super supernatural supernatural supernatural ladies and gentlemen the supernatural matthew
all right let's crack on with round one sort it out before we move on to round one we let's find out if the teams have a name danny and robbie do you have a name uh yeah good um yeah we're the chicksy dicks um would you like to say any more about that uh just put the dixie chicks backwards and you get dicks so that's that's the reasoning behind that one it's the chicksy dicks and facing the chicksy dicks are
the uh ghost geet geese goat ghost geese that's that's a long name yeah we rehearse this ghost geese geese goat geese ghost geese ghost geese the goat geese the goat geese yes based off our individual talents melded to create super talent now i know that martin can do an impression of a goose oh we're doing it do you want to see huh does this mean that you can do a goat impression a goat in a cupboard let's hear that that's very good could we have both those at the same time i want to see what it sounds if a goose was outside trying to shout to a goat inside a cupboard maybe martin try and get the sort of feeling that
maybe the goat's a bit sad that it locked the geese the goose in the cupboard you want feeling your motivation yeah yeah yeah maybe it's only got one leg all right whenever you're ready it's the ghost geese geese geese ghost geese wow that was exciting i feel like that should have been round one any point any points there matthew uh lots yes lovely okay i think we should crack on with round one sort it out yes round one it's called sort it out our teams are now going to attempt to solve or sort out a problem or procedure or something that i'm about to give them this one is for all of you and
your question is according to the book teach yourself to be charming what are things that you should not do at the dinner table the splits as well as this one must not show your teeth you've got a thing about teeth haven't you and one must not eat that is a bad form to eat at the dinner table i believe so anyone else you shouldn't talk to the pets more than the people you're with this is something i do if there's a dog or cat or goat goat or goose
i will talk more to that animal would you stroke it than you would to the people rather than stroking the people that can be awkward at family dinners to add to that you i've learned from personal experience you should not point out that the family pet looks more delicious than what is currently being served oh yeah that's good what sort of pet was it was it like a nice suckling pig you know i can't control myself around gerbils speaking of not being able to control yourself around gerbils martin any any thoughts on your favorite should give too soon um i think it's quite ambiguous question isn't it like what should you you shouldn't do many
things like kill someone pissing your cup fist the host you know it's quite it's quite a lot of things don't do that don't do that right i'll write that down but at the dinner table i don't think you should eat breakfast oh he's gone clever he's got a degree yeah have i got it off the fucking internet there we go when i was thinking along the lines of what una said because what i've learned from personal experience is not to compare the animal to the person around the table to whom it is owned by so i mean it's all right if it's a lovely lovely black labrador because they're soppy although that might not go down well with some people if they're looking sexy and suave and you
say you look like a labrador i i got told i look like a labrador at school uh yeah yeah teacher was that the year you were leading around a blind man all year it's not just look like there are other owners as well is it it's act like them yeah so i've got a stallion yeah so you've been dreaming again no you haven't you've got a welk oh goodness i'd love a pet welk is that a little fishy shellfish yeah okay it doesn't share well i had a pet i had a pet clam
did you yeah you see you when you say stuff you look very honest but that must be bullshit no got him to buy two fish get a clam did you did you give it a name clarence i don't know what to do with that how long did you know what to do with it no he just sat there and kind of opened every now and again what happened when it opened a little like thing came out and kind of licked the water around it for a bit and then went back in did you eat it what a lovely pet there's a pet danny yeah but eventually you just eat it we don't talk about that christmas dinner oh so you had it at the dinner table then it wasn't
for breakfast or anything another rule of the etiquette of course silly me well i think we have given some rather excellent answers here i'll be very surprised if there's nothing about clams in the answer um let's go over to matthew and see if there's any points knocking around absolutely none none at all no the closest we got was referencing licking and i don't know if that's una or the clam that gets the point oh yeah right don't don't don't lick your knife and fork don't lick your plate don't lick your fingers nothing about licking walls i think that's worth a point isn't it we seem to be bereft of any other fucking decent answers somebody needs a point this feels very british what's what's wrong with licking don't lick at the dinner table do it on your own time alone
in your bedroom seems like there's a whole sensual part of the eating that we're not allowed to do yeah if anybody wants to go out for lunch with daniel i highly recommend it we don't get invited to dinner parties so we've got no idea bring a raincoat and an umbrella okay so matthew at the end of round one what are the scores the chicksy dicks have absolutely nothing and the goat geese geese goat goat geese goats have won well that was a lovely start thank you let's move on to round two
yes round two is lost in translation it's on the buzzers robbie the quintessential english gentleman handing daniel her buzzer there um don't forget that you're a strong independent woman daniel for the benefit of the recording daniel thanked me round two is called lost in translation i am going to read out a series of things that have been translated but mistranslated the turn i mean that's it really i was going to say another six sentences but really it's all in that first sentence so i won't bother let's move on to question one due to
an inaccurate translation of diversion what would drivers in the veil of glamorgan asked to do it's a translation of welsh it's not necessarily sounding like martin which impression was that the welsh oh i see yeah i thought it was one of your animals okay no it was fuck i forgot how to give the answer sorry it was fuck una fuck it was they were asked to follow the entertainment
in 2016 google rushed to fix a bug in their translation from ukrainian to russian what was it translating the russian federation into danny bastards no robbie our overlords certainly not the people i'm working for no martin russian fuckwits no it was in fact mordor that was close question three a gaelic sign welcoming visitors to the isle of bute was missing a rather important accent mark what did it say instead of welcome to the beauty of the isle of bute
robbie welcome to the booty as in rear as in a bottom as in a bottom we're so british danny welcome to the beauty of the isle of bute no martin or did bernard matthews take over and welcome to the booty the isle of bute that's bootful no no they were in fact welcomed to the beauty of penis island question four due to a translation software error what was the sichuan normal university campus station bus station called for for one week called fucking hell due to a due to translation software error what was the sichuan normal university campus bus station called for one week
robbie bus station no train station no una a way to get to normality no danny the university of east anglia close it was called the university of jackie chan station when when officials asked for the welsh translation of a road sign they thought the reply was what they needed what did the sign end up saying robbie the name of the town no danny marjorie dawes head of signage i'll give danny half a point for that it in fact said i'm not in the office at the moment please send any work to be translated to judith
what information did a sign at a high-end restaurant in beijing have for diners before it was replaced after a week robbie eat yourself no oh my uh someone danny get fat no robbie no dogs allowed but they meant the other way una we will eat you no martin go next door no they put up a sign saying our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting at dinner a quartet will circulate and fiddle with you where was this restaurant
that lasted a week but what a week this is the 17th time you've come back to this restaurant it's because the food is so ordinary and unexciting okay and that brings us to the end of round two matthew what are the scores looking like there we still have only one point between the goat and the geese but the chicksy dicks now have half a point lovely stuff how exciting let's move on to the round that we like to call round three local life yes round three is local life we bring news stories from around the globe to uh the forefront here
to this lovely environment in the 12th century undercroft where i'm going to fling out little um nuggets of news at our panel and see if they can in fact interpret them and tell me what the fuck was going on in these news stories the first question which is for martin and una what did the south saint paul police department receive and why some would say 30 years too late a birthday card from 1987 no lovely guess though thank you uniforms do you think that they were naked before then oh yeah the town has been crime free they were too scared to go outside is it something to do with fargo uh no i don't know why i looked at my paper i knew that it wasn't uh no okay
i wondered if it was a invitation or a memo regarding that hover hover hover things you know which they had in no um dragonflies no hang on mowers hang on you stand on them helicopters and you go across the water or you did in back to the future hoverboard hoverboard i wonder if there was a memo to state watch out about kids trying to do hoverboarding in your area are you going for a back to the future time travel answer well yeah because i reckon there was a bit of a backlash after that film came out with kids actually trying to go on hoverboards yeah stupid stupid kids it's a good answer hang on let me just check
no is it the keys to the jail cells 30 years after mr stevens was going to be released i just stay there no no so if i sum would say it's too late it's just mr stevens and mrs stevens she misses him kids couldn't give a shit it's a healthy relationship was it was it their centenary cake that was actually they got their centenary cake but it's now 130 years so it's just a bit late no these are all lovely answers but all of them utter bollocks it was in fact a confession and apology note
from someone who had committed a crime 30 years ago a person who'd apparently sped off after hitting a parked car in minneapolis anonymously sent one thousand dollars to a local police station this month and asked them to pass it on to the car's owner if possible and also ask for their forgiveness the note says the anonymous driver hit a parked car one evening in either 1985 or 1986 and then 30 years later their conscience got the back of them do you think he's worried every day since then that they'll catch up with him did the poor for 30 years did the family get anything for the child that was run over two new children keep it light Danny keep it light okay so this question is for Danny and Robbie
you do have a team name but I've forgotten it already Chixie Dicks that's it how can I forget that and your question Chixie Dicks is for what offence offence for what offence which is Dutch now Dutch podcast stop where are the Chixie Dicks stop this question is not ready for what offence was Prakash Kumar taken off a bus and arrested in India last month did he step too close to the driver whilst the bus was in motion did he talk to the driver you're not allowed to do that exactly I mean it was a toss up maybe I'm thinking between that and maybe he fondled somebody's chicken thinking it was his
lots of times that's a terrible crime lots of times on buses there can be livestock I mean on buses within India yeah I've not travelled very much is that what happens over there I have travelled in India on a bus and that has no I haven't taken someone else's livestock but but you've fondled their chicken I did just a quick fondle honest officer I did move a chicken once to sit down and I got quite a lot of got an angry gobble I did get a lot of angry gogling yeah got egg on your face yeah deserved more did they get in a flap right let's move on let's move on the puns have taken hold again quick any other thoughts about this
was Prakash Kumar the driver and do you know how bus drivers when they see each other they wave did he wave too enthusiastically and sort of take both hands off the wheel hello and then crash and they took him off the bus no it wasn't that it's a lovely answer though was he the wrong cast no that was like a serious answer that was kind of a serious answer no was he seeing wheels on the bus very loudly that's better no it wasn't that did he not give exact change and try and engage the bus driver in friendly conversations no these are all good did he interrupt the cigarette break of the bus drivers bus drivers it's the only job I've ever seen
where everyone smokes and I've seen even the young bus drivers and they vape and you just think you sad person like all the other old bus drivers still smoking when you've got your robot cigarette thinking you're young and hip did somebody pull the emergency cord no he was in fact arrested because he had smelly socks he was arrested after causing a disturbance with other passengers Prakash Kumar 27 removed his socks and shoes whilst en route to Delhi causing fellow passengers to ask him to put them away or throw them out the window oh my goodness when Kumar declined to do either passengers made the bus stop at a police station
where they filed a complaint Kumar said his socks didn't stink and the passengers picked a fight with him for no reason Kumar was granted bail oh my god oh right yeah that'll learn you that'll sock it to him yay quick Matthew the scores nobody's got anything again yay let's move straight on to round four hungry hungry hippos round four is called hungry hungry hippos I'm sure we all remember the exciting game as we all huddled under the Christmas tree and bashed white levers on the back of small hippos to eat as many little white spheres as we possibly can well guess what we're not going to play that
instead Matthew has brought in a full size real life hippo and our panellists are now going to try and feed this hungry hungry hippo so firstly I think we should get the hippo in Matthew do you want to ease her ease her into the under watch out for the okay just a bit to the left bit uh okay nice have you actually ever driven one of those before me there you go are you sure you know what you're doing yeah just about it's a bit high up here though isn't it yeah right okay I thought you meant a small hippo
no the full size one was what we're after yeah so I see she's beautiful what's her name Doris hello Doris isn't she lovely right well each of our panellists have brought along something to try and feed the hippo with and we're going to see how that goes and the food that the hippo likes the most is going to get a point a whole point Danielle do you have a question or was it wind no I just got my got my got my snacks here oh yeah looks lovely in that case we'll start with Martin happy hippos the kinder happy hippos oh let's see it yeah
is there I'm not familiar with them is there a toy a surprise inside no it's just literally like a wafer hippo right and a sort of a hazelnut centre I feel like it may be cannibalism yeah but at least they'll be happy right that's what it says on the tin yeah is that how you feel when you engage in cannibalism it is if you'd like to go over and offer it up to Doris we'll see how it goes oh I'm not sure that's going well Martin Matthew what does Doris make of that it's cannibalism so no Doris is not happy there I think that she wanted a surprise Danny well this is a bit awkward because I've
got a goat and a goose what made you think that that would be appealing to a hippo because when they because you can get them for Christmas well goose you can have for Christmas and goat is also one of those celebrity celebrity what's that word celebrational meal things so I think a hippo likes to eat out and goose and goat is on the goose and goat is the way that it likes to roll fucking hell I like it if the hippo doesn't want it I'm having it get yourself over there and try and feed the hungry hungry hippo
I mean I feel bad about it because they're quite cute but I think Doris liked that straight out the other end is that good or bad well at least it went in I guess to be honest I don't really know hippos very well should you have one it's a bit late now well done Danny I think that was a good sign we'll move on to Una what have you brought along to feed Doris today well I assume like most people when you hear the word hippo you immediately think of the famous Greek medical practitioner Hippocrates
and so I brought some olives to see if she wants any and you know they split a crowd because half the people hate them half the people love them so she'll have half a room full of friends if she likes them and if she hates them yeah olives are very much like marmite aren't they sometimes they're black if anyone's tried white marmite then you really should you just have to leave it for 17 years in a cupboard until it develops a crust okay okay we'll take take your olives over to doris and see if she goes to them or not i think that's a good sign
yeah yeah seems to be going for that she's speaking greek can you understand that of course what was she saying she was saying hot damn these are good olives that's got to mean points i would think matthew is una right is that what was going on i think she's looking for a cocktail to wash the olives down but yeah i think that's good well done una lovely stuff all right robbie we've had two positive reactions less said about martin the better got a tough act to beat what have you brought along well i've taken the name hippopotamus hippo is greek for horse yes so i put a horse in a pot with hummus
nice hippo pot hummus where did you get the horse from you're not willing to explain your sources finders it's all part of a stable diet hey hey hey hey fuck off robbie take your horse and hummus over to doris and let's see what happens oh she's not looking forward to it she's not looking forward to it didn't even get there oh she's taking me in now though it's a crunchy horse isn't it i love the bones especially
bring me han solo i think that's good was that positive i think so okay well i'm no hippo expert unlike matthew who's owned one for what is it now three days a couple of minutes yeah it was late delivery so matthew what do you think was the best reaction there i think you're just going to take some vital measurements metrics from doris i think probably one point each to una and danny and definitely not a point to martin or robbie okay well one point to each team rendering that round
a complete waste of time okay it's time for round five let's suppose that you're writing a really important email to a colleague nah fuck that is ted talks bollocks that's right round five is ted talks bollocks each of our contestants one team at a time are going to deliver a short 30 second talk a ted talk if you will one of which is going to be complete bollocks one of our people in each team has had some preparation time on their talk the other one will literally hear their subject as you the listener do as well but will at the end the other team be able to work out who was talking the bollocks and who is not talking the bollocks
so i think we're going to start with martin and una martin is going to speak first and martin is going to speak on the subject of dad's army dad's army is martin's subject and he's going to speak for 30 seconds on that subject starting now who do who do you think you're kidding mr reed i know nothing about dad's army i know a little bit it was part of it was shot in thepford the opening sequence was shot in thepford i was in thepford the other day with my girlfriend and someone asked me for my name and she said don't tell him martin which is quite good and it's set in second world war about some old boat blokes with guns basically
it's a docudrama lovely stuff thank you mr westgate a lovely chat right una's up next and una is going to be speaking about the amazon the amazon is una's subject and she is going to speak for 30 seconds on that subject and her time starts now little known fact the amazon is a river and in it it allows for many people to kind of gather there are a lot of dutch people gathering on the amazon for the annual amazon blowout where people come and they gather and they eat the pink dolphins that frolic there and then when they finish they speak in dutch of course
about how great pink dolphin is and how a lovely talk thank you una i think matthew's just had an incident with his bell two lovely talks there chicksy dicks who do you think was winging it or for the purposes of this round to fit in with the format talking bollocks well they were both rubbish but one was putting it on yeah so i think martin was lying no no no sorry i think martin knew what he was talking about and pretended to be lying so i think una was talking bollocks i mean i mean of all the things about the amazon i thought i was going to hear
about this was a curveball i feel um i like what dutch blowout dutch blowout and the pink dolphins yeah keep up um yeah i'll go with you robbie well we don't need to know about that can we get on with this round first um but before that let's yeah who was it you decided una is talking bollocks okay una is talking bollocks is that your team answer i'm not 100% but we have to pick someone and time's running out let's go with una yes robbie wants to go home una were you talking bollocks i think it's pretty clear i won i don't know it could have been a brilliant fact i'd go to a dutch blowout yeah
and talk about the pig dolphin we're gonna make it happen now okay danny and robbie it's your go you're now gonna each give us a lovely ted talk on subjects one of you will be talking bollocks danny you're gonna start us off your subject is the isle of man the isle of man is danny's subject and she's gonna speak for 30 minutes 30 minutes okay i'm ready i'm ready i'm ready yeah we're not okay okay the isle of man is danny's subject danny's gonna speak for 30 seconds on the isle of man and her time starts now see now the isle of man is often mistaken with the isle of white but actually they're very different
islands and little known fact the isle of man when you're on the isle of man they have their own language and guess what it sounds like spanks but it isn't it's manx and did you know that they have such a pop history because guess who comes from the isle of man yep it's the not the one it's not the two but yeah it's the bee manxie geez it's not the one it's not the two it's the bee and then we'll never know right thank you Danny that was most educational Robbie it's your go now you're going to speak for 30 seconds on the subject of bird watching Robbie is going to tell us all about bird watching and he's going to do that for 30 seconds
and those 30 seconds start now bird watching is just rubbish there's just there's a load of birds in the sky I mean you can see them anytime so white people do it all year round as a hobby I mean you know if I'm sure if I looked outside now there'd be a bird different types of birds a seagull that's a shit bird blue tits sounds kind of funny house martin good band and a bird I don't know if I don't watch them much the band or the birds I don't know what they get up to I'm sure I'm sure they've got some new material out thank you Robbie okay you two who out of these two do you think was talking bollocks we know Danny's famous for talking
bollocks why does this come up every time I mean you are I'm not lying here really but I feel like I've heard the manx thing before that's what I think Robbie's one kind of sounded like he was a bored teenager with his parents so it was bird watching it was definitely winging it I think he was winging it I think Robbie was talking bollocks do you think Robbie was talking bollocks Robbie were you talking bollocks I was talking about bird watching so yeah it was bollocks right once again I feel like we've just had a round where an equal number of points have been scored yes we could have done this whole podcast in about four minutes Matthew just for the sake of continuity
what are the scores well the Chixie Dicks have two and a half but only half a point ahead are the goat geese things with three half a point in it going into the final round things could literally not be more exciting I know everyone in this room is thinking yes they fucking kid right let's move on to round six round six is questions this is our final round of today's quiz fingers on the buzzers teams question one how many kilograms does the average fox weigh Danny twelve and a half no Martin not about what he weighs but what he says Una the camera adds 10 pounds
and he's actually quite self-conscious Robbie 24 it is in fact 6.35 good king Wenceslas what Martin last looked out no Robbie last looked out no Una no Danny also incorrect no I was Robbie hey hey hey Jan Master forth they went forth they went together no absolutely not you're a disgrace I was in fact looking for good king Wenceslas last Christmas I gave you my heart question three who is this just take as many as you can then come back for another lot Martin Mum
Robbie is it the prime of Miss Jean Brodie and Maggie Smith no Danny I think it's Linda of the Archers no it was in fact oh were you about to buzz Una I just did no it was in fact Mrs Goggins from Postman Pat who is this Martin Roger Stewart no Robbie Chris Rea no Danny Jimmy no Jimmy no Una wasn't that the words the good king Wenceslas it's Matt it's not Matthew who were you
Steve Tyler from Aerosmith Steve Tyler from Aerosmith it's obvious now what time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon Danny strawberry blonde time no Robbie in time for the final no Una about quarter past 12 Robbie 10ish 10ish yes is the right answer what what what cold treat was Margaret Thatcher involved in creating Robbie Cornetto no Oh Una The Miner's Strike Danny sorry what was the question
I didn't it was what time does Sean Connery no what cold 10ish what Una Mr Whippy yes points to Una ice and ice cream just the wrong one yes no points right right okay good thank you sorry voices in my head doing a quiz what was the highest IQ ever recorded Robbie 204 Sylvester Stallone no 180 Steve the Power Taylor Phil no 180 Phil the Power Taylor no was in fact between 250
and 300 it was William James Siddis at the age of 5 he could use a typewriter and he'd learnt to speak Latin Greek Russian French German and Hebrew he was denied admission to Harvard at the age of 6 because he was too emotionally immature smart he got in at age 11 because they were forced to admit him and he gave his first lecture at 11 on four dimensional physics but I bet he was dull as fuck question 8 what song is this Robbie that was a bit I shouldn't have got that you buzzed way too quickly I was a bit too eager with the buzzer yeah that's not good can we do this again the buzzing was fine the dance was unexpected
name something lighter than a standard sized dinner plate Martin a small dinner plate yeah I will accept that you also could have had micro SD card or whelk question 10 we've moved on it's too late I got the point half a dinner plate Martin got it right it's too late and the final question of the quiz how can we be lovers if we can't be friends Danny well because we may be leaving the EU but that doesn't mean that my emotions aren't still real no who no I just feel like we don't talk anymore Martin 10-ish Robbie but you've still got a penis
so let's get down to it coins for everyone let's hear it for the panel a frantic exciting final buzzer round to finish on but Matthew if you are still if you have successfully got yourself back off the edge of your seat can you now reveal what the final scores are yes Matthew will you please reveal the final scores oh I see the Chixie Dicks have four and a half and the Goat Geese have six yeah well done Goat Geese a sterling performance well done what are you going to do with your prize money piss it all up the wall on cocaine magnificent
it will get you less than a tenth of a gram you two what are you going to do with your your lack of money live still alive money's not everything barely they can have their greed and avarice I have my integrity and my soul and I'm going to steal this radio mic that's far more than they're getting well done thank you all for listening thank you for being here if indeed you are here or in fact if you're listening if you're not doing either of those two things then you're probably not hearing this so fuck you if you like the show please go to idiotwindpodcast.com where you can find out how to support the show if you want us to make more of these all that remains for me to do is thank the guests for coming let's hear it one more time for Martin Westgate
let's hear it for Una Johnson for Robbie Sunderland for Danny O'Hara I've been Chris Reid thank you for listening to Idiot Wind I've been Chris Reid thank you for listening to Idiot Wind if you enjoyed the show then help us to make series two by supporting us
at patreon.com forward slash Idiot Wind Idiot Wind is produced in partnership with Fantata Dogface Improv and Slow Theatre Company the music is Yes I Do by the excellent Melvins Oh yes I do Potface Potface