Strumping

Play from 00:00 HOT FACE HOT FACE It's Idiot Wave! Woo!

Play from 00:34 Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to Idiot Wind, the panel show podcast that makes you feel better about yourself because you're not us. I'm joined tonight by four handsome, talented, lovely people and Matthew. We'll get onto him in a minute. To my left, I am delighted to welcome Danielle O'Hara and Mark Wombersley. Woo! Hello. Hello. Yes, and I forgot to say, we are usually coming to you from the 12th century undercroft of Jernet's Bar. Tonight we are not. Tonight we are in a mystery location in Norwich with a select group of people here. So that's why it might sound a bit different. Danielle, how are you? Good, thank you. Very good, thank you. Yeah. Any thoughts? Plural.

Play from 01:19 I need at least two. Oh, oh, oh. I was wondering why clouds aren't purple. It's something that cropped up the other day. Hmm. And also, the other thing that cropped up the other day is why was it just cloudy and the sun just could not break through? Now, I realise there's a reason for that, but I'm just saying. Sun's a big, burny board of stuff in the sky. You'd think it could burn through most things. Exactly. Yeah. I mean, get a grip. Yeah, that's good advice. You hear that, Sun? Marco, how are you? Um, yes, I'm fine, thank you. You look guilty there. Yes. Um, what have you just done? Um, I can't tell you. Because you would have to shut down the whole show. Why is it that bad? Yep. Is it unbroadcastable? Yep. Is it too hot for podcast? It's hotter than the sun. My God. And that's a big, burny ball thing in the sky. That is a big, burny ball. Do you have a team name?

Play from 02:04 Why is it, Danny? You'll find us on the dance floor. Your team name is You'll Find Us On The Dance Floor. Oh, yeah. What way? Because You'll Find Us On The Dance Floor. Actually, you did go missing earlier, and I went looking for you, and it was the last place I looked. But there you were. On the dance floor. And also, Marco and Io are going dancing on the dance floor. We are what my dad calls going there strobing. I don't even know what that means. That means there's going to be laser light. Isn't that when you steal apples? Uh, no. That's strumping or strimping or something. That's strumping, yes. No, that's scrumping. Strumping is when you go stealing strumpets. Yes. What, those poor maidens? No, they're in the brass section of an orchestra, next to the strombones.

Play from 02:49 So, uh, uh, and I see that you've brought a mascot along with you as well. Oh, yes, we have, Mark. Would you like to tell us about your mascot? Well, our mascot is a signed Bruce Forsyth memorial plaque. That's lovely. That's lovely. Who's it signed by? Bruce Forsyth. Oh, that's amazing. Oh, it's signed by me too, but I mean, he wasn't so happy about that. You actually devalued it by doing that. I told you that. Dude, I can't believe you said that. Is there a good reason why you've got it? I mean, it's lovely. Well, basically what I do is I go around to celebrities that are about to die or look like they are, get them to sign their memorials first, and then they die. And yet people think, well, how did they do that before? Oh, I see. It's a memorial. Of Bruce Forsyth that he has signed. That is probably valuable. And priceless. Yeah.

Play from 03:34 Well, it was until somebody else signed it. What do you reckon it's worth? A hundred quid? Higher? Higher? No, it was, it was last valued at a ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. You don't get anything for, I've only got one. And two in a bed? Oh, no, that's something else. That's Jim Bowen. That's later. That's later. Um, yes. It was, it was about £10,000 at the last estimate until it was signed by Ms. O'Hara. Oh, she's brought it right down. Right, give it some time and that price is going right up. Yeah. When you die. Good stuff. How charming.

Play from 04:06 Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for your finest on the dance floor. Woo!

Play from 04:11 Yes, polite cricket clapping. That's what we like. Well bowled, well bowled. And on my right, I'm delighted to welcome Robbie Sunderland and John Newing. Hello. Hi. Hi, how are you doing? Are you all right? Yeah, we're good. Looking sharp, the both of you? We're recording the night of the Champions League and I've got a feeling that Robbie has the podcast in one of his earphones and the football in there. Oh, that was so close. Your guess, I mean. Yeah, yeah. Sorry. What have you been up to? Where am I? Rob? Anything? Well, nobody knows where we are. It's a mystery location. John, how are you? I'm good, yeah. Yeah, what's been going on? I've been working out. I've been on the Hugh Jackman Wolverine diet. Right. What's that entail? Just eating salt. So he dehydrates you so you look leaner. Like a shriveled thing.

Play from 04:54 It just takes your moisture out so you look, you know, like he's got muscles. Do you have a team name, you two? Well, I mean, since I've been on the salt diet, we bought salt as a mascot because I need to have that topped up at all times. Nice. And so we are the salty surprise guys. Oh, I've met people like you before. Apt name. Okay, well, that's the team's introduced. Let's meet the one person in the room who's got a hat on. Matthew.

Play from 05:20 Biggest cheer of the evening so far. Wow. How about that? I am honoured. I think they misheard what I said. They were just cheering the hat, perhaps. How are you, sir? I am pleasant. How are you liking your new location? We struggle for eye contact. It looks like I've offended you. Or we've had a sordid tryst and you can't quite bring yourself to look at me. Well, that's what you get if you bundle me in a big bag and take me to a secret location with a load of tech gear. Yeah, you had a nice time there, didn't you? We checked in a couple of waffles. I do like waffles. They're versatile beyond belief. The things I do for waffles. Are you looking forward to keeping score tonight and doing the tech? Not at all. It's time for round one.

Play from 05:54 Sort it out. Yes, round one is called Sort It Out. I am going to pose a problem, conundrum, scenario situation to our two teams. And they are going to try and sort it out. The question this week is about Routledge's Manual of Etiquette, a book released in 1875 about how one should behave in polite society. And the question is, what is some practical advice for newly married couples? And we're going to start with the dance floor divas. Well, the obvious one is don't do it. But that would be too late. I presume you're talking post-marriage. Newly married. Yeah. Surely Etiquette would mean you should do it. I mean, they're married.

Play from 06:40 That's when you're allowed to. Yeah. I got you. Yeah. See, I was... She means sex, Mark. Yes, I wasn't going gutter. Well, no, sex isn't gutter, Mark. Sex is a normal functional part of human beings. It's just you take it to the gutter. Well... Oh, sorry. This is why you two have never been on the same team before. He can do it in the gutter if he wants to. Yes, but not in general public. It's behind the bins. It's on the roof.

Play from 07:08 I was thinking that originally, I was thinking it was like the... Like, when you said that, I was thinking, oh, it must be Etiquette for the first night. And one would hope that that was respectful and polite and kind and listening. And then I was thinking, when was this put... 1875. So, actually, I've got some other thoughts. I suspect there's two rules. One for him and one for her. Some of the male rules might be something like, play rugby, drink at the bar and take command.

Play from 07:37 Let her know that she's in strong and capable hands. And I think for her, possibly don't use a bike. That could spoil his pleasure.

Play from 07:50 Do what... Not if he's on it as well. I think, obviously, she should not be forward coming. As in, take the lead in anything, because it's 1800s. I like your rugby analogy. Obviously, there's the obvious scrummage. Difficult with two people, so... Is that when the hooker comes in? What would they... They wouldn't have a hooker. That wouldn't be in the Etiquette, would it? It's a rugby position. Oh, is it? Yeah, a hooker. Oh, God. Well, the Victorians sometimes actually went the other way, didn't they? And they were quite naughty. Yeah, right. Sometimes being sort of... Because they tried to repress it and it sort of pops out. Yeah, so it pops out all over the place. You just can't stop it.

Play from 08:34 So I wonder if there's some sort of advice, like, sowing all your wild oats, which was a practice in Victorian times. Okay. So it was basically sending the bloke out around Europe. Is that what happened? Yeah. They went around Europe to sow his wild oats. I think it was almost like... Like we have lads' holidays now. Yeah. They basically did the same thing in Victorian times, I think, but slightly more organised in terms of, like, the social structure. Right, okay. And it was like, I'm going away, darling. I'm going to have sex with some random people in Europe. Then I'll be back and I will marry you. Yeah. Wow.

Play from 09:05 I think it was more acceptable for the upper class, which is the class you're talking about, to also have a lady. When you said about sowing the wild oats, I was thinking embroidery.

Play from 09:25 Well, that's what she should be doing at home. I love your wild oats pillow that you made. I think we should hear what the one newlywed sitting around the table has to offer about this. John, you are a newlywed. Yes. What advice would you give yourself? Do we applaud? Do you want to applaud? We can applaud. Mark's going to boo. Oh, there we go. That's lovely. Half-hearted applause. Well, it's more than I got on the wedding day. Wow. Wow, wow, wow. No one applauded. So, John, what advice would you give yourself now in 1875? Hang on. Well, if I was in 1875 and... And you were talking to yourself now. And I was talking to myself now. And your good wife, who definitely exists.

Play from 10:08 Can I just say for listeners at home that no one has met John's wife, but she definitely does exist. Danielle apparently has on the street, but could have been anybody. And there are many pictures that are not stock footage of her.

Play from 10:20 On various websites. She's in a lot of business meetings, isn't she? You're just gazing at the sky. I'm Vietnamese, and in the Vietnamese culture, we had to... Shurring off. Yeah. You have to present a present to the other family. Whose family? So I had to present a present to her family, her mother and father. And she had to present one to my father. Oh. Yeah. And if the gift was not accepted, then you were not allowed to get married. Did they accept your gift? They said they did. Once you slipped a fiver in it. Yeah. What was it? A PlayStation 4? No, it was a bottle of very expensive alcohol. We were talking like, you know, three digits. Four pack of hooch. Yes. That sort of thing. Yeah. So, yeah. And my dad got something.

Play from 11:05 He was trying to tell me what it is. It's some sort of secret. So he's a very... A death threat.

Play from 11:11 I can't tell you, but yes, you can get married. I can't tell you what it is. It's a secret. So I wonder if in Victorian times, after there's some sort of thing about honouring the mother and father and making sure that they are provided for. Because once you're married, then you've got to be able to provide for your family and generations before and after, I presume. Let's go to Matthew and see if anyone scored any points there. I'm always amazed at how nobody gets even remotely close to anything on my list. In the first one we did, people got quite a few. And since then, it's really... See if you can award some points. The closest I can get is a point for Danny for the part of the book which says, In the presence of other persons, married people should refrain from filthsome expressions and endearment to each other. Basically, keep it to the bedroom. There we go.

Play from 11:56 But everything else, you've got such a horrible view of these Victorians. I feel like John got quite close with the whole providing. There's a bit about the husband provider, isn't there? A husband must make an allowance for household expenses, which he should pay weekly or monthly and should be around 15 shillings for a family of four. So yes, that's kind of close. That's the opium bill. That's what I pay for my household bills, 15 shillings. They're all actually very nice, those lovely, soppy Victorians. At least in theory, maybe not in practice. A married woman should not seek nor feel flattered by compliments. Oh, yeah, really lovely. Thanks for that, Matt. A wife should be neither too kind nor too sharp with servants. Good advice. Nobody mentioned anything about servants. Dull, aren't they? Just everything stay in the middle.

Play from 12:40 Yeah, none of this sexy European antics that you had going on. And my personal face... No, it's just me back in the Victorians. Victorians gone wild.

Play from 12:48 They should not adopt to all too prevalent vulgarism of calling each other by their initial of their names. Yes, if I called you R and you called me C, then it was vulgar. It was horrendous. D. Good. But that just about scraped one point each. Yay! All right, let's move on to round two.

Play from 13:08 Round two is heroic failures, and it's on the buzzers, guys. Simply answer these questions about some heroic failures. Question one. What happened in the Isle of Wight regional final of the 1994 Conker Championships? Danny. They run out of conkers. Ha ha, no. Robbie. They never had any conkers. It was the wrong time of year. They did the championship in. No. No. Any more for any more? Marco? They died of boredom like the viewers watching it. I'm going to give you half a point. That's not a million miles away. Robbie? Someone got hit by a conker and died. No.

Play from 13:51 It was, in fact, that neither player managed to hit each other's conkers in 100 attempts. The referee then stopped the contest at that point. This was the regional final, and they had 100 goes and they had them hit the conkers. Were these the top conquerors? Yes. In the entire Isle of Wight. In case we have... We have a lot of international listeners, and I use the term a lot loosely, but we have international listeners. I'm not sure conkers translates to the rest of the world, does it? Surely it does. It's very British. It must be very British. They're not that backward, are they, the rest of the world? Conkers is your definition of whether you're a progressive nation or... If no one else knows about them, then yes. Basically, we take, like, what are they?

Play from 14:31 Horse chestnuts, and put them, take your shoelace off and drill a hole in it, and then hit each other's... You've forgotten the hole soaking them in vinegar for days. Right, so people have different tactics. That's cheating, though, isn't it? Baking them. That's like hollowing them out. And filling them with concrete. Yes. It's like the taking of drugs. It's like the doping. It's like the Australian ball tampering, isn't it? Conker tampering is something I look very down on. Or to having a blood transfusion before a contest. But it's basically putting horse chestnuts on a bit of string and trying to smash the shit out of each other's nuts. What's the word... Where's the word conker come from? Conker is Anglo-Saxon for pastime. Is it?

Play from 15:16 No, he doesn't know. He's very convincing, though. I'd hate to be married to Robbie. Question two. What happened on the 14th of January 2004 when a trio of streakers ran naked through Denty's 24-hour restaurant in Spokane, Washington? Danny. Did Bill Clinton then appear? Well, like a summoning ritual. No. I just feel like he might be part of it. Robbie. Hot dog sales went through the roof. No. So what actually happened was that while they were streaking through this restaurant, somebody stole their car with their clothes in, which they saw out of the window and chased after the car and then were arrested for it in decent exposure. Was it Bill Clinton who stole the car? It was. Yeah.

Play from 16:01 Half a point to Robbie. Okay, question three. What happened shortly after take-off on a flight to Hanover in 1994 when Johan Guzgenic needed the loo before the seatbelt lights went off? Danny. He used the sick bag. No, if only. Oh. He didn't do a Gerard Dufferge and pee in a bottle, did he? No, if only. Did he show, I have a bomb to try and stop the plane taking off? Let's give two-thirds of a point to Robbie. Was it an explosive situation? Yeah, so what, yeah, exactly. So what happened was he's German and he stood up to, he was so desperate that he wanted to tell them that he felt like he was going to explode. So he stepped up in German and said, ich explodiere, ich explodiere.

Play from 16:46 Unfortunately, the cabin crew didn't speak German and thought he was a suicide bomber. So the pilot dumped the fuel and they made an emergency landing where he was arrested and imprisoned for 10 months while he awaited a court date. When it went to court, the judge apologised to him and said that it should have never been brought to court and he was released. He stepped outside the courtroom and as his visa had expired, he was immediately arrested again and put back into jail.

Play from 17:09 And then eventually deported. It's times like that when you should just piss yourself, isn't it? What's the worst that could happen? It's not going to be any worse than... Than 10 months in jail. Yeah. Question four. What did a Turkish motorist manage to do four times in one minute in the Swiss town of Kruzligen? Danny. Burst its tyre. No.

Play from 17:33 John. Go the wrong way down a one-way street. No.

Play from 17:38 Mark. Somersault. No.

Play from 17:43 Robbie. Into a different country four times? No. Any other guesses? Danny. Acquire four different parking tickets. I am going to give you half a point for that. Not parking tickets, but in fact, he was caught on the same speed camera four times in one minute. So basically, he was baffled by the bright flash for the first time and so drove past to investigate a further three times.

Play from 18:07 This was made possible by there being a roundabout at either side of the speed camera. And it's never happened before. He got caught by the same camera four times. Whoever put that camera up was just thinking, this thing pays for itself. He got progressively faster. His slowest speed was 37. And he was 39 miles an hour. Then 41. And the final time, 47 miles an hour to have a look at it. Let's go over to Matthew and see what the scores are. Both teams managed to score there. So they're both at two and a half, making the whole round pointless. Yay! We know where the whole round is pointless. The questions for round two were taken from the rather excellent book, The Ultimate Book of Heroic Failures by Stephen Pyle. It's published by Faber and Faber. And you should bloody well go and buy it because it's right funny, innit? It's available from all good bookshops and probably the bad ones too.

Play from 18:51 We have this offer with Beer52.com that we're doing this series. And it's a way that you can support the podcast as well as get some lovely, lovely beer for yourself as well. All you have to do is go to Beer52.com forward slash Idiot Wind and you can get a case of beer for bloody nothing, apart from you have to pay the postage, which is £5.95. But you will get a box of eight hand-selected small batch craft beers, some snacks, and a copy of Ferment Magazine. Ferment Magazine, John. It's no pamphlet, mate. It's a hundred-page magazine about craft beer and brewing and stuff. And it's a really lovely beer. I handed out some last time. Matthew, you had a bottle. What did you think of it? I liked it. It was very good. Yeah, it is genuinely very nice beer. It's not the sort of beer you can just walk into a shop and buy. It's hand-selected small batch stuff. I had a stout and I hate stout and I love this stout.

Play from 19:35 And I now think that it's not stout I don't like. It's bad stout. Have the courage of your convictions. It was delicious. The point is that this is a classic win-win situation. If you go to Beer52.com forward slash Idiot Wind, you get eight beers for free. Just pay £5.95 postage. We get some money because you've taken it up from us. And Beer52 apparently get something out of it. So go and do that. That's that. Good. All right. Let's move on to round three. Yes, round three is... In this round, each team are going to hear an audio clip and there will be a question that follows it.

Play from 20:19 Okay, Mark and Danny, your question is first. Who is getting interviewed by Les Ross here? So, here's a man of whom you must have heard, seen and all the rest of it. Because you're on everything on the television and radio, aren't you? If only I was, my mortgage would be so much easier to manage. Oh, dear, dear me. Well, you must be in a terrible state. Because you're on half the things on radio and television, aren't you? I am. I am. I'm the child of an immigrant. I like to work. Yeah. Oh, there we are. No stereotyping, anyway. One thing I've always wanted to ask you. Are you Asian, British, Scottish? British, Scottish, Asian. Asian, Scottish, British. Which one? Because it's very important, isn't it, to get them all in the right order nowadays? I don't think it is, actually.

Play from 21:03 I think the order changes depending on what you're doing, where you are, what you feel like. You know, I mean, what sign of the zodiac are you? You know what I mean? And, you know, is that more important if you're trying to chat up a girl who wants to know what zodiac sign you are? Exactly. But, yes, yes. I'm an Aquarian. Of course, all Aquarians think the zodiac's a load of old tosh. Now, listen. This Indian takeaway, which is what you're on here to mercilessly plug, isn't it? No, I'm quite happy not to talk about the book at all. There's so many other issues, clearly, Les, I think we need to sort out. You're quite right. I think we need to take it to a higher plane, don't we? Not that your book isn't on a higher plane already. You're doing a great job of really winning me over here, aren't you? Indian takeaway. Oh, but the producers say, talk about the book, talk about the book.

Play from 21:47 Is this the thing that you did on, full enough, on Radio 4? You did a programme much the same. I'm sure I caught bits of it. No, that was a completely different programme. I love it. It's nice to see somebody at the BBC is putting time into doing research. Oh, no, I don't do that. For goodness sake, I'm British. I think you'll find this is a comedy memoir about food travelling India. That was a three-part documentary on the partition of India, Pakistan and Bangladesh. Oh, I thought it was that, with fish and chips thrown in. Sorry. Yeah, no. That Radio 4 programme was about genocide that occurred as the British pulled out of India. This one's, you know, a great deal more light-hearted. Yeah, I was going to say, but you did concentrate on... Oh, it doesn't matter. Anyway, Indian takeaway.

Play from 22:27 Now, this is you retracing your Indian roots, as they say, but you're doing it through food, basically, aren't you? You're cottoning on to the thing, you know, every television programme has to be about food, really, doesn't it? Except this is a book and not a television programme. I'm sorry, a book. I'm sorry. I'm still... Do you know what? This isn't working for me on any level. I'm sorry. Isn't it? Oh, all right. No, I'm sorry. Do you know what? Should we just call it a day? If you want to. Blimey, don't you? I thought I didn't have a sense of humour. No, sorry. I'm just not clear what's happening here. I don't... Oh. Sorry. Have I just missed the point? You've been in broadcasting before. Surely you know what's happening. The reason I've been in broadcasting is I sort of thought I did know what was happening. Okay. All right, then. Okay.

Play from 23:12 Okay. What do you want to talk about? No, no. I'm really happy. I mean, I don't know. I just... I'm happy to talk about what you want to talk about. If you want to talk about the book, that's fine. Well, I'm just... I'm just shooting all over the place. Uh, yeah. Okay. Do you know what? Should we just call it a day? Bye. Thanks. Sorry. That was a long clip, but I just love that ridiculous interview so much. He's not working anymore in... Yeah, he's a local radio disc jockey. Oh, that's... I love things. That was all real. Yeah. That was a genuine interview. So the question for you, Danny and Mark, is who was it being interviewed there? I thought it was Hardeep Singh. Yeah, well done. Hardeep Singh, Coley, for a point for Mark and Danny. Okay, and now it is John and Robbie's go.

Play from 23:53 And your question is, who is this DJ with some misjudged banter? The future's in your hands The best is yet to come So one of our lovely bosses has just sent a text to the team The best is yet to come Telling them they're on fire The future's in your hands And then, with this little phrase at the end, at the moment Just leave it at the fact they're on fire At the moment You know I mean, you are at the moment This is BBC Radio 2

Play from 24:35 Online on just radio and on 18 to 91 FM BBC News The number of people confirmed to have died in the Tower Block fire in West London Is expected to rise today BBC News at four minutes past nine Are next at ten o'clock Thank you, Maura Can I just apologise for my inappropriate choice of words before the news there? I'm really sorry about that I should have said on form Online on digital radio Salty Surprise Boys Who was unfortunately putting their foot in their mouth? John Major His popular Breakfast Radio 2 show that he has now I mean, I know of Radio 2 I listen to podcasts

Play from 25:17 You can't see a wink, but I winked No, is that what it was? I thought you'd had a stroke So, Robbie, I think you know this That was everyone's favourite ginger Chris Evans That's right Chris Evans You're absolutely right For a point to the Salty Surprise Guys Okay, that was round three It's time for round four It's the Wheel of Things Round four is the Wheel of Things Every week we are going to spin the wheel and see what round comes up for our teams to excitedly play with enthusiasm and gusto

Play from 25:50 We have this week decided to spin a slightly smaller wheel to see who is going to spin the big wheel and in order to work out who is going to spin the smaller wheel, we're going to toss a coin If only leaves the question, who's going to toss the coin? Well, of course, we're going to draw straws to see who's going to toss the coin So let me just hand out a straw to each If you'd just like to take a straw There you go, Mark Robbie John Oh, John, look at your tiddly little straw there So that means you get to do the coin toss So if you'd like to just toss the coin And the coin has come up Robbie So Robbie, if you'd just like to spin the small wheel Ooh, look at that thing fly And that has landed on Danny

Play from 26:34 So Danny, if you'd just like to step forward and spin the big wheel Oh yeah, right Ooh, that one hasn't come up before We're going to play guess who So teams, if you'd like to get your boards out And shuffle a card And we're going to be playing team versus team Shuffle a card and pick a Have you both got a card? Put it in the front there Make sure all of the tiles are up John, you've got a couple of tiles face down there, mate There you go No cheating Alright, John and Robbie Why don't you go first With your first question To try and work out Who's Danny's and Mark's person is Okay Did your person Fight for world peace?

Play from 27:19 Yes Does your person believe that children are the future?

Play from 27:25 No Has your person Ever been caught Kissing An animal? No Could we say that your person is a believer? When When I see that face Yeah I'm a believer I'm a believer So yeah You could say that Does your person suffer from Irritable bowel syndrome When there's thunder?

Play from 27:52 Yes Does your person Believe In the metaphysical presence Of beings Outside of our atmosphere? No Does your person Does your person like to pee with the door open? Yes Does your person Always choose a cheese and onion pasty At a commonly known bakery? That's alright You can say the brand if you like It's Whitstables, isn't it? Just say Whitstables Okay At Whitstables No Is yours David Bellamy From 1984 Ooh No Oh Wrong one We should have gone for Greg Rosetsky Does your person

Play from 28:36 Prefer To have Knowledge No No No Getting close there Mark And Danny Only have three left Is it? Sherlock Holmes As in played by both Robert Downey Jr. And Benedict Cumberbatch Yes Yes Well done The points to Mark And No The points to Robbie And John Well done Let's get on With Round of five Yeah Round five is called What the what the fuck And it's back on the Is it back on the No it's not back on the buzzers

Play from 29:21 What am I talking about I don't know what I'm fucking talking about I'm talking rubbish I'm a fucking idiot Okay And this is for Robbie and John The question is Why was Nick Birchall banned From the Fairmont Empress Hotel In Victoria, Canada For 17 years Is there going to be some Fairly dark answer About Canadian racism Against Inuits Eskimos No Think of the tone of the quiz Robbie It's going to be Something about wanking or poo Not Inuit rights then No I'm in the wrong place Did he Over the course of The preceding 17 years Make a Bride Out of tiny soaps And shampoos And when they found them He banned them For the equal amount of time They've been stealing them For

Play from 30:05 Oh god I wish that was true I think we've got an inclination Into what John made his Fictional wife out of No that's not That is not true I think it's possible That this chap Whatever his name is What is it William John Birchall Oh John Birchall Nick Birchall Nick Birchall Nick Birchall I wonder if Nick had 17 children And they rampaged a little bit Around the hotel Like you know Kids do Whilst he had a nap And they said Right that's it mate Out you go And don't come back They ramped him for one year One year per child One year per child Was it because he was He was only one years old And they had an 18 plus policy No No it wasn't It was Any more guesses

Play from 30:49 Did he use every toilet And block every toilet up So they said that's it One year per toilet One year per toilet No it wasn't that Nick Birchall Is an elk No that's not true either But again With lovely intensity In the eyes He might be an elk I don't know He's not Oh I mean he might be But he isn't Unless he's Someone name an elk Nick Birchall Then ban him Then ban him I will give you A retrospective point As soon as you bring me Proof of that elk No he did in fact It's an unfortunate story He had an unfortunate Sequence of events This was in the news This week You might have heard of it He had a suitcase Full of pepperoni Which he planned on Sending to his friends In the navy I mean he had a suitcase Full of pepperoni But it was a warm room

Play from 31:34 And so to stop it From spoiling He opened the window And left it in the cool air On the balcony Then he went for a walk Before coming back What he found When he came back Was that a flock Of 40 seagulls Were waiting in his room He'd eaten all of the pepperoni He says I remember walking down Long hall And opening the door To my room To find an entire Flock of seagulls He said They've been eating Pepperoni for a long time And pepperoni Does not do great things To seagulls Stomachs The room was a disaster zone Curtain lamps Everything was absolutely Trashed and covered In seagull shit In an agitated state He launched his shoe At one bird And jumped on another Wrapping a gull in the towel And throwing it out the window Realising he was late For his meeting He went to retrieve his shoe And came back to his room To clean it After washing it After washing it clean He then attempted to dry Using a hairdryer Which triggered a power outage He had no choice To call the housekeeper

Play from 32:19 For help I can still remember The look on the lady's face When she opened the door She said I have absolutely no He said I He said I had absolutely no Fucking hell He said He didn't say anything So there we go Where did they come up With the 17? What's this A little random? No Well I can tell you that But it's not very interesting They banned him for life And he went back To ask them for forgiveness 17 years later And they went alright Aww Why does he stay in that hotel So badly? I think he needs to let go Of the Fairmont Empress Hotel In Victoria, Canada Stay in a fucking travel lodge Yeah I fail to understand

Play from 33:03 How You know They can actually Ban him for such A terrible mistake He trashed a room He didn't His actions led to A room being trashed Well He couldn't prove The seagulls weren't his They were in his room I mean They must have been In all the bloody pepperoni He shouldn't have said anything Like shit He should have actually Been saying to them Look what's happened To my room Look I brought you A gift of 40 seagulls Oh more of My god Someone's been in And vandalised my room Clearly in that hotel The customer was Definitely not right Yeah Well he was 18 years later So you know That's fine Well we certainly have Mixed feelings about Nick Birchall around this table I'm not mixed It's fairly decisive I'm quite indecisive You also thought he was an elk

Play from 33:47 We hoped he was an elk Question two What blunder did the Commonwealth Games make When listing England In the games programme They called them The colonist Coloniser Bastards Did they call them The creators Of the empire No The dark side No Did they call them Great England No Did they call them Pommy bastards They did not Did they do what Everyone really wants to be And say they were part Of Asia Half a point Did they say they were Part of Europe No points Africa Yeah Point to John They were listed as being Part of Africa What The population of two million And the capital of Banjul Quite an embarrassment For the official

Play from 34:31 Commonwealth Games programme I can't believe it I'd like the response though The organisers They sort of apologised But mostly just said Hey well that's what You get to Brexit We get to go to Africa Yeah We're part of Africa now I think that's how it works I think it is a minefield though These occasions Yeah That would be a good event The minefield Oh my god 200 metres minefield They had In the Olympic village At 2012 They had They had a welcome Patch And all the flags Were on there And they got I think this is right They got to North Korea South Korea Or North Korea And they'd got the flags The wrong way round That was at the football game Yeah They did the anthem The wrong anthem And they did that there as well Yeah

Play from 35:15 So every time you walked On it afterwards You could see they'd scrubbed it out And changed it For something new Matthew What are the points looking like At the end of round five Well you'll find them On the dance floor With four points Whereas a salty surprise guy Has five and a half All to play for Going for the final round Which is of course Questions Questions Okay teams Back on the buzzers For the final round There's only one and a half point in it And question one is Where is why John Before Zed A half a point I enjoyed that But no Marco Marco He's late As usual No Danny In front My front No Robbie Any thoughts

Play from 35:59 How come I don't get half a point for that Because it wasn't Because it was a bit A bit tenuous Okay Half a point off Danny For that Do I have the thing Is it in Suffolk No It's in fact in Arizona It's a town called Y What is what A unit of happiness No Anyone else Mark What is a Friend of wise No Danny A character in EastEnders From the 1980s Yes I will I will accept that I will accept that And Oh it was Dennis Watts It was Watts You said you'd accept I really don't accept Taking my points Danny I would have also accepted James Watts The Scottish inventor That's what Is that what

Play from 36:44 He said it's a unit of happiness I'm always happy when I When you're See a watt Gambling around the field I assume that's what they do They do I'm not a science person I'm five watts right now Question three When did the Oxford electric bell Start ringing John Before dinner No Danny When it was invented Some way back I will give you half a point for that Mark May the 7th 1939 No Robbie 1131 No it was in fact 1840 It's a bell that's still ringing to this day Off the same battery They're testing It's an experiment to test a battery That hasn't stopped From 1840 to this day You can go and have a look at it Does it constantly ring It's going ding ding ding

Play from 37:28 Ding But you can't hear it Because it's in a vacuum Not much of a bell though is it Yeah If you can't hear it You can see it Dinging away What's the battery made of It's a dry pile battery What does that mean Leaves I don't know Is it in a Dyson But they thought it would stop by now But I mean that's free long term energy They think that actually the bell Is going to fall to pieces Before the battery runs out There's a good album It's by Wire It's good Barry Called A bell is a cup Until it is struck So there's no noise It's just shaking this bell There is noise But you can't hear it There is no noise then There's literally no noise A tree falls in the woods Does it make a noise Just because you can't hear it It does though If the bell's in a vacuum Does it make a noise It's not just a poor man of cataracts

Play from 38:13 Looking at it It's just shaking Anyway back to this high tempo Quick fire round Question four Once I was what A young man Full of happiness and joy And now I'm here hosting a quiz No Robbie Afraid I was petrified No Danny Once I was a little boy I'll give you half a point A wooden boy I was looking for Question five What is the best selling Chocolate bar in the UK Mark Whisper No John Mars bar Yes Point to Question six Who is this I'll have this one Debra Meaden Is it Debra Meaden No it's not No I think I know It's Lorraine From the morning programme Lorraine Kelly Lorraine Kelly

Play from 38:57 It's close It's Lorraine From Lorraine In no way possible Did you want to have a guess Or Oh no No who was it Matthew It was Alexander the Great Putting his best posh voice on Ah there we go So close with Lorraine Kelly Question seven How many countries are there In the world Robbie 193 I'll give you Half a point for that I'm starting to think That my answer might be wrong And you might be wrong I think there's two weird ones Oh Danny 191 No 195 Yes Half a point to Danny Half a point to Robbie Question eight What does mine say Mark Get out of me No John

Play from 39:41 I want my surprise now No Danny The Gap No I was looking for either Dude or Sweet Question nine What song is this Robbie Singing in the rain Singing in the rain Yes for a point And the last question Of the And the last question Of the entire quiz Where might you find Hooker's lips Danny At the Chelsea Garden Show I will give you A point for that Because it is a flower From Colombia Costa Rica And Panama It's called Psychotria Later And due to its popularity With collectors It's on the Endangered list Look it up online It does look like

Play from 40:25 A big pair of Bloody lips Oh well that was A fun quiz Thank you guys so much I'd like to say The points don't matter But of course They decide who gets To leave this building Alive So let's go to Matthew and see Who's going to Make it out of here Tonight You'll find them On the dance floor Still after this With just seven and a half Points Winning by just one Is a salty surprise Let's hear it For a salty surprise With a stunning score Of eight and a half points This has been lovely Thank you all For coming along To the secret location And playing this game I hope you haven't Missed the undercroft Too much Do the beer 52 thing Help us out Help us out Get some lovely beer But for now I want you to thank No I want to thank I'm going to thank On your behalf Thank you for listening I'm going to thank you You don't have to thank you Thank you for listening And I would like to thank

Play from 41:10 Danielle O'Hara Mark Wombersley John Ewing And Robbie Sundland And Matthew Herrier For doing the tech And for our audience To be here Thank you Scott And Emma And I have been Chris Reid Emma I will see you And hear you And shout things at you Next time we play Idiot Wind Good night Bye bye Idiot Wind is produced In association with Dogface Improv Fantata And Slow Theatre Company And is executive produced By Emma T The music is Yes I Do By The Melvins And don't forget You can find out more And support the podcast By going to Idiotwindpodcast.com

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