Transcript
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Hello, it's Chris Reid here, host of popular panel show podcast, Idiot Wind. I just wanted to say that we did have some technical issues at the beginning of this episode. So my mic sounds a bit distant and weird. I think there's a bit of rustling and stuff, but bear with it because it does sort itself out. And this is a lovely little episode, so I wanted to put it out anyway. Thank you for listening. It's very kind of you to give up your time to listen to us. We do appreciate it. I'm going to stop banging on now and let you enjoy the show. Oh, if you want to, you can support us. You can find out how to do that by going to idiotwindpodcast.com.
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It's Idiot Wind!
Welcome to Idiot Wind, the panel show podcast that exists not only in my imagination, but also in a 12th century undercroft. Here we are. We've got snacks and biscuits. Let me introduce the teams. Tonight we have, on my left, the delightful Danny O'Hara. Woo, Danny! Thank you! Yeah, John's a big fan of Danny. And Khan. How does John feel about Khan?
He's my bigger fan. How are you two doing? I'm good. I'm really good. Yeah, I'm okay. Toasty. Yeah. Tell us what the word on the street is. What's on your mind? Well, I've heard the beast from the east might come west and we should dress warmly again. Is that code for, you're giving me code for sexy time later. I think that's possibly a message from Putin and no one should drink cups of tea any time soon. Oh, man. Presumably, you two have some kind of team name. Yes, we do. Something which we're going to call you for the duration of the next 30 minutes or so. Yes, we are Team DK, the smell of success.
That is a terrific team name. That's one point to them already, Matthew, I think. Could you tell us more about that or does it just speak for itself? Oh, I think it speaks for itself. It smells for itself. I can smell it from here. Yeah. And actually, DK is short for Denmark too. Yeah. Which smells? And success. Of rancid fish. And success. Because they export it. Rancid fish is a thing in Scandinavia, right? Right. Well, not rancid. They'd rather it wasn't off before they ate it. I thought it was. I thought they buried it underground for 100 years and then ate it with sticks and had to, you can't open it in a, you go blind. And whilst wearing it as some kind of jumper. Yeah. Possibly. Yeah. Good. Oh, wait. What's your mascot? Is it rancid fish? Oh, no. No, no, no.
Don't be silly. It's a blow-up David Beckham. With or without realistic orifices?
I mean, it's a blow-up David Beckham. What do you blow to make it inflate? You're blowing his ear. You're just blowing his belly button. Oh, that's rather sweet. Yeah. Why have you chosen that particular item? Well, it goes with the DK smell, you see, because he, you know, it just, it's a, you know, he sells perfume so well. I get you. And if we bottled our success, he would sell it. Very good. Lovely stuff. Daniel Kahn will be selling perfume in the foyer after the recording. And also on my left, we have Steve Keyworth and Catherine Frost. Hello.
John is middling applause for both of you there. Was that for both of them combined, or would you have given individually both of them the same level of applause? One got more than the other. Ed would you like to tell us which one? No, it's a secret. Do we get one hand each? Does that make a difference? That's what happens at the after party.
So, you two, do you have a team name? We are the Taxis of Evil. Good grief. Well, Steve, might I say, it's a step up from the last time you were on here, when you had a team name that invoked, we don't need to go over that again. Tell us more about your team name. Why have you gone for that?
We thought we could set up a competition with Uber.
You have given me a lift on occasion. Yes. Yeah. You're alive. That's good. Yeah, I would give you four stars. You would have got five, but later that evening you threw a ham sandwich under the car.
So, I docked you one star for that. I ate that sandwich. That is a lie. A man gave us a ham sandwich in a pub for free. Oh, no, that's that. Yeah, I definitely threw that sandwich under the car. And you took that sandwich, delighted to have a free ham sandwich, then complained about the ham sandwich. You opened it and were disappointed in the ratio of ham to sandwich. There was a mythical amount of ham in it. I didn't want to leave it on the table to be rude, which is understandable. So, you took it with you in your hand. And then when we got to the car park, you threw it under a parked car.
It's been to you. I'm not sure why that has any reference to his Uber thing. Because he also gave me a lift that evening. Oh, yeah. I like to, when I'm dating a lift with somebody, I'm rating them about it. I like to take the whole evening into account. Oh, boy. I definitely marked them down for the sandwiches. This is why I've never given Chris a lift anyway. I'm scared of reviews. So, anyway, let's get back and see if you've got a mascot. Have you got a mascot? We have. Oh, what's your mascot? Michael Bublé. Oh, yeah, there he is. Hello, Michael. You might not be able to see him, but that's because you just haven't met him yet.
Why have you chosen Michael Bublé? His name is intrinsically funny. Mickey Bubbles. Yeah. Mr. Bubby. And where do you blow in him to inflate him? No, he's the real Michael Bublé. He just hasn't mic'd him up. Well, we have that team and this team. Matthew. Hello. How are you this week? I am marvellous. It's lovely to see you there perched behind your handmade microphone shield that, due to the shape of a cat's head, I think might be a packet of whiskers. Yes. Well, in the storm, we only had some limited supplies of food. No cat, just limited supply of food.
And I needed to discard off the recycling without the use of Norwich City Council's recycling service. So you made a microphone shield? I made loads of them. I'm going to sell them on eBay. The ironic thing here is that I can't see your whiskers because of the whiskers. That's irony. Not particularly. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Matthew. Okay, so that's Matthew introduced. That's the teams introduced. That's Michael Bublé introduced. And that's David Beckham introduced. So the only thing that needs to happen now is for us to play the bloody quiz. It's time for round one.
Sort it out. Yes, round one is called Sort It Out. I'm going to pose a conundrum, a thing, say some words out of my mouth to the teams that are associated, associated, assembled here. Hmm. Let's try that again. Let's not bother. That was fine. Well done, Chris. Thanks, Chris. Right. Question one. According to Real Simple Magazine, what steps should you take when planning your baby shower? Dani, would you like to kick us off? Yes. So, my first thought would be that actually when planning your baby shower, you should ensure that the baby is in what we'd call a container, and all water should come through a tea strainer. And that would be my suggestion. Very nice. That's very true.
Now, I'm going to say, what steps should you take when planning your baby shower? Obviously, baby ones.
That's a sort of a cricket applause joke. I like that. I can't do it because I'm Holly and Mike. Stephen Cappen, what steps would you take when planning your baby shower? I think the first step is to check that the baby is real, and not just like either a milk bottle in a baby grow, or like a doll, like in that one episode of Hinterland with the fake baby. I missed that one. Did it turn out to be a milk bottle in a baby grow? Basically, and it caused a lot of murders. Very miserable show in Hinterland. That is what will happen if you inappropriately dress dairy. The first rule of baby shower is obviously we don't talk about baby shower. It's also very important to order the right kind of stripper, because some baby shower strippers
are really sort of tasteless, so you've got to shop around a bit. That's important. What's the appropriate kind of stripper for a baby shower? Well, I guess maybe in a nappy.
Although, you know, quick release nappy, very short show.
I think generally if the baby's there, you've left it very late. It's kind of the last gasp, isn't it, where everybody, all your friends get drunk and you watch them while you open presents that aren't for you. You're a contemporary man, you're a modern man of the world. I am, really. Did your wife have a baby shower? No, I think you've got to be American to have one as well. Yeah, I think so. I'm sure they're probably over here now and we have proms and I call this season two. So, you know, baby shower's probably already around the corner. Maybe you should have like a baby shower for season three as a kind of midwifing it. Maybe I should gestate season three in my womb. Yeah. I'd just like to say maybe this whole showering of babies, it's not healthy, surely. We've got to keep babies clean. Yes, but that's what we call a bath.
Rub them with a rag every few months. It's what you've got the sink for. Yeah. I mean, too much water could be a drowning issue. This is getting dark. Every time I go over to you, it's infanticide on your team. Oh, preventing it. Yeah. We're all about safety. I mean, personally, I would hand the baby over very gently to the dog and let the dog lick it clean. Because that's just, that's safer then. There's no chance of drowning. Oh, I was with you, but handling the dog over, no, handling the baby over. Well, no, you keep hold of the baby. You don't just give the baby to the dog. That could go very, very, very wrong. And then, likewise, the baby could lick the dog instead of the dog having a bath. Aw. Aw. See? It works both ways.
That was a very sweet lot of answers apart from those that referenced baby death. Matthew, did anyone score any points? Yes, surprisingly. Fucking hell. Um, I'm offering a bonus point to Steve for being the only one of the panel that knows a baby shower comes before a baby is born. Um, and also, uh, and this may surprise you, so please bear with me. He's getting a point for saying, uh, assigning a photographer because his talk of strippers is basically the same thing, right? You get the difference between the two, right? The stripper doesn't take pictures. Oh. It's not. Oh, you're getting confused. I've, I've assigned the point for the stripper photographer anyway. They can't be taken back. Matthew gets strippers and selfie sticks confused. Ah, yes.
Um, don't put people in the box. A stripper can take photos. Don't leave baby in the corner. Union rules. Stripper's union, they're only allowed to strip. Photographer's union, they're only allowed... You wouldn't have a photographer taking the clothes off. If you're holding a camera, you haven't fully stripped. What if the outfit, if the stripper is a photographer, you know, they're, that, that could happen. It's a kind of niche. I mean, it depends what the photographer is using as his selfie stick. Well, Matthew, Matthew gets the two confused. Matthew often accidentally uses a stripper instead of a selfie stick. You should have seen him outside in front of Big Ben last week, holding out a stripper like that, trying to press the button. Well, she did have a smartphone, she just didn't take the picture. It wasn't the smartphone by the time you'd finished with it. Right, well, let's, uh, what are the scores after the end of round one?
The Taxis of Evil have two points, and Team DK, The Smell of Success, are not successful. Yay!
Excellent. All right, it's time for round two.
That's right, round two is called Heroic Failures. I'm now going to read out five questions about people who have failed in spectacular fashion. Question one. This is on the buzzers, teams. Oh, look at you, all got your buzzers in your hands. Question one. What was the fatal flaw with the 1999 campaign by the Society for Family Health in Johannesburg, in which leaflets containing Johnny the condom were distributed with a free government condom?
Con. Is there a hole in the condom? Yes, a point. There's a further point enough, if you can be more specific, anyone? Catherine. The condoms were pinned to the leaflet. Yes, have a point, Catherine. Good work. The condom was perforated as they'd stapled it to the leaflet. The condom was performed, uh, it was performed? Yeah, always use a, don't use a condom that has been performed. Don't go and see a condom at Edinburgh and go, I'm probably safe now. You actually have to wear one. Um, the condom was perforated as they'd stapled it to the leaflet. Marketing manager Dave Norwitz admitted that the initiative had dramatically increased the chances of sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancy. Oh, no, Dave. Question two.
What error did security guard Carl Schimann make when working on the door at the Royal Windsor Dog Show? Steve. He let the dogs out. It was him. Who let the dogs out? Carl Schimann. Uh, no, it wasn't that? Carl. He let cats in. Ha ha! No. Danny? He didn't let any dogs in. No. Anymore for anymore. But in the right sort of territory about letting in or not. Yes, whoever that was, Carl. Danny? He only let guide dogs in or assistant dogs. No. Oh. He in fact refused to let the Queen in at the Royal Windsor Dog Show. He told her, sorry, love, you can't come in without a sticker. No.
He, I'd give him a knighthood for that. Right, I mean. He later admitted that he thought that she was an old deer who'd got lost. But surely she must have been, because like, why wasn't there an entourage? Well, it was, it was weird because she decided, because it was so close, she thought, I can drive myself. She drove with some other people and she was driving, which is why he didn't recognise her. The Queen drives. Oh, yeah. The Queen doesn't need a driving licence. Oh, bloody hell. So if I call myself Queen, I needn't have bothered to be taking a driving test. It's almost like there's one rule for them and one rule for the rest of us. There's one rule for mum. Okay, her. Ambulances during the war, apparently. She was an ambulance driver, the Queen.
And I think recently, the King of Saudi Arabia popped over, I say. And she actually, and because until very recently in Saudi Arabia, they didn't allow women to drive. The Queen drove him around the country. Wow. And write a tour of the country. Well, she owns all of it. Yeah. Which services do you think they stopped at? Yeah. This is going to be a BBC film. South, maybe it's obvious. Eventually. I've never seen either the Queen or the King of Saudi Arabia in the Wild Bean Cafe, I must admit. Question three. What happened when Highmine and Power Station Manager ordered an official flag to be flown to celebrate the site's 100th day without an accident? Khan.
They had an accident. Yes. Any more details? A massive nuclear explosion. Sadly not, Steve. OK. He had an accident. He got caught short. No. Danielle? They lost power. No. The flagpole fell on somebody. Oh, I'm going to give that to you, Steve. The flag pulley wheel came off and knocked out the security guard who was raising the flag.
And an ambulance turned up, which was driven by the Queen. Again, again. Oh, right. Question four. What action did Glenthorpe stores in Leeds take to clamp down on unruly behaviour from customers? Khan. They closed. Yeah. No. Catherine. Steve. They tasered them. No.
Catherine. They banned them. Yes. They banned all customers from the store. Hello. Is that not the same as what I said? Because if you ban all the customers, you've effectively closed anyway. Oh, no, you hadn't. You could still order through the letterbox.
And he would pass out your items through the letterbox. They were still open for business. Just no customers were allowed in because customers call all manner of problems. Where was this? In Leeds. Was it Tesco's? The Glenthorpe stores. Was it Tesco's? Can you imagine turning up to collect your dishwasher? And it's just handed through in bits. You have to disassemble it. Like a Lego kit. Can I have some loose tea? Yeah, here we go. Haven't they just made a rod for their back though? Because you turn up and go, right, I'll have them. Oh, what's that over on that last shelf? I'll have a bag of that. Oh, no, sorry. Wrong one. I'll have the one to the left. And you just, you know. Yeah, but quite frankly, that's preferable to having to deal with people, isn't it?
It's like they've never been to a late night service station. It takes you half an hour to get the bag of Christmas that you know the guy can see. The thing you've got to realise about people, Danny, is that they're all despicable. Oh, right, this is what I'm going on. I thought it was just the Queen. No, her and the King of Saudi Arabia are fine. Everyone else is awful. Question five. What was unfortunate about the 1994 Conservative Council's three-page education manifesto entitled It's All About Standards? Danny. It was empty. No, it wasn't empty. Khan. Lots of spelling mistakes. Yeah, 19 spelling mistakes, grammar mistakes or punctuation mistakes. And that's it for round two. Matthew, do they have the points, mate? Points over there. Or, you know, words.
Imagine I've said a sentence that makes sense and then say things. Okay, yes is the answer to whatever it is you're trying to ask. If what you're trying to ask is who got some points. The answer's yes? Yes. Okay. I didn't say it made sense. We now have Team DK have two points and the Taxis of Evil have five. Woo! Well done, Taxis of Evil.
The questions for round two were taken from the excellent book, The Ultimate Book of Heroic Failures by Stephen Pyle. It's published by Faber and Faber and it's available at all good bookshops and probably the bad ones too. All right, it's time for round three.
And in this round, our teams are going to hear some clips of audio and they're going to hear it in their ears and then face a question about the clip they've just heard. Firstly, this is for Steve and Catherine. Who is this gassy DJ? So if you enter today's competition, listen to The Breakfast Show tomorrow morning. Grimmie's going to be revealing that keyword you need to use if we call you back. The question is, excuse me, during her 2015 performance, Madonna took a dramatic fall. Who is that highly trained professional?
This sounds like Radio 1. Yeah, it's definitely Radio 1 because there's Nick Grimshaw and I shouldn't know. Yeah, this is very much your demographic, Catherine. You got a pass on Keith Cheggwin last time. He's not got a funny enough voice for Nick Grimshaw. No, no, no. Is he the UEA export? I'm going to have to push you for an actual name. Greg James. No. I'll pass that over. I don't know his name, but it's the annoying twat who does the chart show. I can't really give you that, having said to Catherine that I'm going to need a name. Is he the annoying twat who does the chart show? I don't know, mate. I'm 40. The answer was Dev. Dev. Is that the annoying chart show twat? Nobody knows. We're all old. Okay, question two.
Danny and Khan. Who is this tongue-tied quiz master? For a total prize of £3,200, I'm going to ask you a five-part question which will require five correct answers, should you wish to piss.
Yeah. Yeah, we've got this. Okay, a point to Danny and Khan. On the next question, who did you think it was? Bob Monkhouse. It's Bob Monkhouse, yeah, points. All right, Steve and Catherine. I've got you written down here as cat. Do people call you cat? No, not if they want to remain with all of their teeth intact. Okay. Steve and Katie.
Who is making an entirely understandable error here? What's happening in the course of the next hour? Well, first up after the news, we're going to be talking to Jeremy Hunt, the Culture Secretary, about broadband.
My favourite bit is about broadband. Who was that making that error? I mean, I remember that happening. I'm going to need a name, Steve. I know this one. Is it another Jeremy? It's James Nockety. Is it? Yeah, James... Hang on. Nockety. Yeah. It's James Nockety. Yeah. Yes, it is. I know the Radio 4 one, but not the Radio 1 one. I feel I am... That's because nobody listens to Radio 1 anymore. And it's to your credit. Don't worry about that. So, points for that. Danny and Khan, who made this additional error about two hours later? We heard this morning one of the primary examples of the Freudian slip that we're ever likely to hear on Radio 4. We're not going to repeat in quite the terms it happened, but...
But now, anybody, almost anybody now listening who was listening this morning will be aware of something that was happening. Jeremy Hunt, the Hunt, the Culture Secretary, had his name, Freudianly transposed. Who was that for the double whammy? John Humphreys. John Humphreys. John Humphreys. No, I can pass that over for a bonus point. No, I... This is the one Radio 4 presenter I do not know. No, it was, in fact, Andrew Marr. Oh. So, there we go. Oh, right. It's awkward interview time. Woo-hoo! Steve and Una. Ah, my notes are wrong.
Steve and Catherine, who is asking British former ISS crew member Tim Peake this stunning question? A question that I would like to ask, and I don't know whether you'd be you'd be allowed to answer it, really, because it might be a naughty thing. When you went to the moon, did you take a piece of the moon and bring it back home with you? So, I wasn't in the moon, I was in the space station. So, you never... Steve and Catherine, who is making that glaring error? I've watched this clip, I've watched this clip, I've watched this clip, I've then cried.
Oh, it's ITV, who are the awful morning people? Why am I giving the other team clues? I know this one. Holly Willoughby. Willie Holloughby. It's the right show, but the wrong presenter. I'll pass it over to the team. It's Philip Schofield then, definitely. Yes, it was Amanda Holder, I think, filling in for Holly Willoughby. Well done, points over there. Okay, Danny and John. I really need to update my script when I change... When I cut and paste questions from different shows. Definitely the first choice though, so... So, yes, Danny and Khan, who is this being weird? Wait, tell me, is it true you're wandering the streets, you need a date to the party? What's up?
No, no, no, I'm doing just fine. I just, you know, there's no meaning to any of this. So, I wanted to find the most meaningless thing that I could come to and join, and here I am. I mean, you've got to admit, it's completely meaningless. Well, they say they're celebrating icons inside. Celebrating icons. Boy, that is just the absolute lowest aiming, you know, possibility that we could come up with. It's like icons. What do you, do you believe in icons? I don't believe in personalities. I don't believe that you exist, but there is a wonderful fragrance in the air. You don't believe certain icons have the power to make change, to think differently, to be bold, to inspire others?
Artistry, you're one of them. On the good foot. Ha! Yeah. You shut her down now. Yeah, no, I don't believe in icons. I don't believe in personalities. I believe that peace lies beyond personality, beyond invention and disguise, beyond the red S that you wear on your chest that makes bullets bounce off. Oh, good lord. So, who is that modern day philosopher? Well, clearly a Hollywood person, with their head up their own arse, who talks shit and thinks they're amazing. Which narrows it down.
I'm currently on a short list, either Shia LaBeouf, River Phoenix, or the idiot who thinks he's a rock star, who thinks he's an actor from 30 seconds to Mars. Oh, I wasn't on any of those. I don't know one of them. I don't know two of yours. Oh, OK. Who are you going with? I was on either Robbie Downey, Robert Downey Jr. or... I'm going to have to push you for an answer. Or the other bloke. And I've forgotten him. Don't push me. I've forgotten now. Come on, don't let me get Michael Bruble. Get off, Michael. Get off my leg. Kick him in the bubbles.
No. Have a guess. I'm going to go for the bigger of the twats I listed in Shia LaBeouf. No, it wasn't. Any ideas over here? That would be Jim Carrey. It was Jim Carrey. What a name I couldn't remember because you talked to me. I'm sorry for talking to you. This is an audio podcast. Because I was the limit that. Jim Carrey. That was the one egotistical twat bag I couldn't think of. That's the end of round three. Matthew, any points? Yes. Yay. What are the scores? Oh. Seven to four. The same guys are winning that were winning before they did that question. Yay. Yay. Woo, woo, woo. Points. Points that mean nothing. Right. Okay. Round four is called... Well, let's find out what round four is called. It's the Wheel of Things. It's the Wheel of Things.
This time, Steve's going to spin the wheel. Steve, can I get you to just lean forward there and tickle the wheel? Okay.
Ah, it's landed on wisdom. Something that's long overdue in this show, let me tell you. The teams are now going to channel some of the great thinkers of all time and come up with their own collaborative proverbs. Each team will have just 90 seconds to come up with as many proverbs as possible, creating half a proverb each. Matthew will then award a point for any that make him feel enlightened. Have you got 90 seconds on the clock? Have you got your enlightening score pen? I mean, you can just guess if you want, really. It doesn't matter. Please hold. Your timing request is important to us. Please press four for timing. All right. Yes, of course I have. We are going to start with Khan and Danny. And when you're ready, your 90 seconds will start with your first word. Let's hear those proverbs.
A good neighbour is better than a bad one. When elephants fight, they eat as much as good ones.
You don't hear. What?
If the world flooded, it would be worse than before.
Until the rotten tooth is pulled, don't eat a Mars bar.
To live with wolves is like living with butter.
Chocolate is the devil's banana skin. A good ploughman can plough, but a good snooker player can pot. That's very, very true. You can have all your ducks, but not if they're all in a row. A frog in a well is very much like a cup half empty.
Stunning wisdom. I feel enlightened. We'll find out later if Matthew felt enlightened. Steve and Catherine, it's over to you. Can you bring more wisdom to the table? When you're ready, off you go. Children should be seen. On stage. A leopard never changes. His pants.
Don't teach your grandma. Cards against humanity.
Never look a gift horse. In his Facebook page.
A fool's rush in where...
There's a large mouse over the door. A friend in need is... Someone you can borrow money from.
Give a man a fish. And he'll ask for chips.
The best laid plans of mice and... Cats are just not worth listening to. They're animals.
He who lives by the sword... Has a great weapons collection.
Beware of Greeks bearing... Children.
If a job is worth doing... It's worth getting paid for.
Yeah! Let's hear it for our second batch of wisdom.
God, that's a toughie, Matthew. Would you like to reveal how enlightened you were... On a scale of 1 to 17? For each... Or just to read out the points. If that's easier. I gave two points to Khan and Danny... For the one about the wolves... And the one about the ducks. I don't know what they're about... But I like animals. So I gave those points. And Steve and Catherine? Well, they got three points. I mean, I was still happy about the ducks. But they mentioned grandma and Cards Against Humanity. And I like that as well. A friend in need. Because I was thinking... I could borrow some money off one of them later. And fish and chips. Because I'm quite hungry. Having been locked in a box... For every time this isn't recorded. Cards Against Humanity was based on a true event... That took place over Christmas. She won a round.
She doesn't actually know what a fleshlight is... But she's still fucking white. That sounds like a better podcast. Yes. Matthew, do you want more air holes? I think Khan's got one there, actually. That Liverpool. What is a fleshlight? Okay. And Matthew, let's have the scores at the end of round four. I'll show you later. Do you know about the... What's it called? I want to say foot-gina. Are you looking at me? Some people... The ankle-based vagina. Some people are weird, aren't they, eh? Sorry, but how can a vagina be in your ankle? Well, because you can build anything you want. Chris, just ask me for the scores again. Matthew, what are the scores?
Team DK have six points and the Taxis of Evil have ten. Woo! Oh, right. It's time for round five. What the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the... Round five is what the, what the fuck? Question one is to all of you. Who, is it on the buzzers? Who knows? No, it's not. This one's for Danny and Khan. Who or what has the, has toddler, who or what has toddler Samarth Bangari of the South Indian village of Hoobly been reincarnated as? Oh, this one I do actually know. Go for it. And there are clues out in the world. If you follow Twitter, it's Donald Trump.
Well, he's doing a great job. Well, you know, he must have done something awful in a past life. Throw toys in, has toddler tantrums, he tweets shit. It's a small child. Well, I was obviously wrong, because I just thought he'd been reincarnated as an emoji. Which one? Well, the one with the tongue half out. Well, you see, if you get reincarnated, you get reincarnated about your past life. Yeah. What happened in his past life? Well, he was a toddler. So he just had his tongue out. Yeah. It's close. It's not the correct answer. Stephen, Catherine, any thoughts? Actually, he's been reincarnated as me, which I'm a bit pissed off about, because I'm not finished yet. It's like when you're in the restaurant and you're trying to finish your meal
and the next people are waiting and they're watching the table. It's like, back off. Toddler. Catherine? Jodie Whittaker. Good. All good answers. None of them true. What we were actually looking for, there was God of the Monkeys. Oh, come on. I said Donald Trump.
He plays with the monkeys every day and some of the more punctual primates enter his bedroom to wake him up at 6am sharp every morning. The boy has found such a meaningful bond with the monkeys that his parents now feel happy leaving the toddler in the monkey's custody for hours at a time. I don't see how that can possibly go wrong. I'm sorry, but if monkeys are waking me up at 6 in the morning, I'd go batshit. You're always looking for babysitters, Steve. Maybe you should consider the monkey fraternity. My goodness. I've heard of mums leaving kids at home and going off on holiday, but that is genius.
By the way, did you have a nice holiday? Lovely. Question two. What is surprising about a Greek gravestone from 100 BC which is housed in the J. Paul Getty Museum in California? Steve? It's actually for J. Paul Getty.
Spooky. No. Khan? It has Jesus' name on it. It's actually Jesus' tombstone. Um, no. He must have been very organised. He could plow the head, didn't he, what he was doing? That's why he came back, because he hadn't got stuff sorted out. So he came back, got the tombstone sorted and then went off again. You're sort of in the right territory, but you're off by orders of magnitude. Catherine? It has a gigantic cock and balls on.
No, that's a normal gravestone. At least that's what I'm going to have. Danny? Uh, I thought maybe it was just the fact that it had that sticker on the back saying made in Taiwan.
Kick me. Opposed to it saying kick me. Um, no, it, in fact, depicts, um, a laptop with two USB ports.
Two? I mean, scientists say that the object is in fact a shallow chest, but that's bollocks. It's clearly a think pad. With two? What, with two USB ports? One of the new models. Oh. Um, yeah, okay, well, that was, uh, that was round five. Fuck me, that was exciting. Matthew, are you still seated over there? Have you fallen off with enthusiasm? Uh, yes, I fell under the table, uh, with a weird sleep-like enthusiasm. Uh, nobody got any points, because, uh, nobody got anywhere near the answers. Let's move on to the final round of the night. It's round six.
Questions. Yeah, round six is back on the buzzer, teams. It's time for some fast-flying questions. Question one. How much does it cost the US to mint a one-cent coin? Steve. Two cents. Yes. Question two. In 1518, there was a month-long plague in Strasbourg, leading to several deaths. But what was the main symptom? Khan. You were Swiss. No. Steve. Catherine. Dancing. Yeah. Inexplicable dancing. For the second episode of the row, you have amazingly got something which is inexplicable. It's horrible histories. It's finally paying off. There's a wave of inexplicable dancing. Several people danced themselves to death. And that's how Eurovision started.
And that's what happened to poor old Brucie. Question three. What song is this?
Khan.
Take that. No. Steve. Cliff Richard, congratulations. Yes. Point for Steve.
In 1993, San Francisco held a referendum over whether a police officer, Bob Geary, was allowed to patrol while carrying what? Khan. His cat. No. His child. No. Steve. A few extra pounds. No. A parrot. No. It was, in fact, a ventriloquist dummy called Brendan O'Smartie. He won the referendum and he was allowed. Question five. What was the first American film to show a toilet being flushed on screen? Catherine. Psycho. Yes. Well done. Question six. What are we doing with our lives? Khan. Waiting them horribly. Yeah. Point. Anyone else? Catherine.
Collecting weirdly specific trivia to use in these questions. You certainly are. Yeah. Have another point.
Who was that? Eating a bit too much of Bailey's cheesecake. Oh, yeah. Question seven. What is unique about the Haskell Opera House in North America? Danny. It only hosts jazz bands. No. Sir Khan. It's never hosted opera. No. Any thoughts over here? I forgot where it is. Where is it? North America. It hasn't helped. It's never featured in an episode of Friends. No. In fact, the answer is half of it's in the US and half of it's in Canada. In fact, the border goes right down the central aisle. So half the audience sit in America and half sit in Canada. Hello? What's Donald Trump going to do about that? He's going to build a wall. Did I just call him Donald Trump?
You think so? That's a vast improvement. Yeah, he won't like that. He's coming for you. Build a wall around Danny. Question eight. Who is this? Ous Buggerus. Steve? Julius Caesar? Yeah, well done. That's the first time anyone's ever got one of Matthew's impressions. Lovely stuff. Question nine. Name something larger than the wingspan of a flying fox. Khan? Matthew's intellect. No. Danny? The universe. Yeah, I will take that. Because anything over six feet would have done. So, well done. Oh, well, if I'd known that. Although the universe is measured in light years, but let's not get bogged down in that. Question ten. What is unusual about the city of Coober Pedy in Australia?
Khan? It's governed by a mongoose. No. Catherine? It's made up entirely of fish. No. Steve? Michael Buble is its king. No. Danielle? It's actually underwater. I will give you half a point. It's actually underground. So you're half a point for under. Wow, this is... And I have forgotten to end the round with a particularly funny one like I normally do. So we're going to end on a boring piece of fact. Oh. But let's go over to Matthew and see what the final scores are for the entire episode. Well, I feel that this was some sort of good versus evil thing. I mean, we've got The Smell of Success and Taxis of Evil.
So the winner of this may, you know, be rather important, which is not good for any of us. Team DK, The Smell of Success, eight and a half points. But mostly thanks to pointless knowledge, the Taxis of Evil are 16.
Evil always. Well done, Taxis of Evil. Thank you for listening to Idiot Wind. We'll be back next time with more nonsense. But for now, let's hear it for our panel. Danny O'Hara, Carl Johnson, Catherine Frost and Steve Keyworth.
Matthew's been on tech. And I've been Chris Reid. See you next time when we play Idiot Wind.
If you enjoyed the show, then help us to make series two by supporting us at patreon.com forward slash idiot wind. Idiot Wind is produced in partnership with Fantata, Dogface Improv and Slow Theatre Company. The music is Yes I Do by the excellent Melvins.
The music is Yes I Do by the excellent Melvins. The music is Yes I Do by the excellent Melvins.