Transcript
DownloadMachine-made, so expect the odd mishearing. Hit a timestamp to jump the player there.
Okay, shall we do this? Yeah.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Welcome to series three of Idiot Win. We're very excited to be back here in a secret location in Norwich, in an orange room. We're in an orange room, which isn't a room that has oranges in. It's a room that is orange. I've got a slight cold, but it's definitely not contagious because I looked it up on WebMD. Hope you're all well. I'm here with three of my favourite Idiots, and we're going to do a panel show for you today. On my left is sitting the delightful Danny O'Hara. Danny, how are you? Yes, hi. I'm a little bit croaky too. I'm excited to be here. Yeah. I'm excited to be back.
Right, everybody's a little bit ill because everybody's been snogging each other and passing their germs around. What have you been up to? Are you excited to be back for series three? Yeah, the snogging was unexpected, but I really enjoyed it. It was a good warm-up, I thought. Yes, you and Matthew, you look very warmed up. It's good. It's absolutely marvellous. And what have you been up to since we last saw you? Well, I got a pony, but it was just my little pony, but I felt quite connected to it, and now I'm considering buying an actual real-life guinea pig. Oh, yeah, right. Yeah. That's nice, but you can't ride them. No, but you can have them on your lap, but they're also quite, they're a lot faster than I thought they were. My little ponies or guinea pigs? No, my little guinea pig. Oh, man.
No, but yeah, I thought it might be a nice thing. Two, though, don't ever get one, just you've got to get two. And we're talking about guinea pigs, not my little ponies. Yeah. So just for clarity, if the viewers at home want to get one My Little Pony, that's absolutely fine. Yeah, that's fine. Have you got a guinea pig or a My Little Pony? No, I just, you said viewers at home, can they see us? They have eyes, some of them. Okay. I mean, welcome also to anybody out there who doesn't have eyes, who are listening. Yes. You're very, very welcome. On my right, you heard the silky tones of the delightful John Ewing. How are you doing, John? I'm good, thank you very much. I'm very well. Series three? Yes. You have featured on all three series? I think, yes, I have. You're a veteran? I am a veteran, you know, and I've lost a bet, so it's a shame. What bet was that? That we wouldn't make it pass, but that's so relevant.
This is episode number 14. Is it really? It feels like so much more, doesn't it? Yeah. And joining you today is Scott. Scott, welcome. How are you? I'm good, thank you. Lovely to have you here. Have you had an exciting time since we last heard from you? You, of course, have been on Idiot Wind before in the Matthew shoes. In the Matthew shoes? Yes. You've been in the Matthew shoes. They weren't as comfy as I thought they would be. No.
How's it feel on the other side of the coin? Are you enjoying the sound of the coin? Yeah, definitely. I've got my shoes back, so it's all good. As a special treat in the first episode of Series 3, we thought we'd only have three people, and instead of our usual two teams, we're going to play individually. So it's Scott versus John versus Danny. It would be ridiculous to expect you to have team names because you're just individuals. So what are your team names? Scott, would you like to make one up on the spot for yourself? Brand yourself, Scott. I am the team of them. The team of them versus? Oh, I'm going to be the Bueno Surprise. The Bueno Surprise versus?
The team of pigs for all. The team of pigs for all. This is sounding like, this is sounding like, I'm going to sneeze. No, it's gone away. Well, this is sounding like a magnificent start to the third series. Only one thing remains to be done, and that is to speak to the man who holds the pen, the sliders, and almost dropped the pen, if I'm honest, just through the pressure of being spoken to in a minute. Normally, at this point, I'd be horrible to Matthew, but I can't even bring myself to do that because I'm just so damn excited to go over for the first time in this series to Matthew Corner. Matthew, how are you? I am well, thank you. Yeah, what have you been up to? Well, just now you said three of your favourite idiots, and there are four other people in the room. Yeah, it's a bit embarrassing, wasn't it?
That either means I'm not an idiot, or I'm not your favourite idiot, or one of your favourite idiots. Yeah, right. So, thank you, I guess. Sleep. Well, that hanging. I'm not going to clarify that. Oh, right. Well, I think we should get on with the goddamn quiz. I'm excited to start, so let's do the first round of the whole series.
Sort it out. Yes, the very first round, it's called Sort It Out. Our teams will get some kind of conundrum, or puzzle, or something, and we'll have the job of sorting it out, and Matthew will award points for anybody who gets remotely close to what he has on his answer card, or any other reasons that he likes something. Forgive me for being distracted. I'm just showing Matthew where his answer card was. We haven't done this for 12 months. This is not going to be slick. Okay, the first question of the new series is, according to restaurant advisor websites, I mean, that's a poorly constructed sentence, but we'll go with it. What things should you do to keep customers happy while they wait for a table? Dani? Well, I was recently at a pub with two other adults,
and out of the blue, somebody offered one of the adults, or in fact offered all three of us, some colouring pencils and a colouring sheet, where one of the adults said, yes, please. And so I'm wondering whether or not, you know, that's a new standard. And I embrace that. I like that. Would you like children's activities when you go out for posh, swanky meals? Are we saying colouring's children's activities? I'd say that colouring was a joyful, relaxing activity for all ages, myself. Well, that's true. Adult colouring has become a thing, wasn't it? What was the thing? You said an adult took a colouring. I think the difference is, was it a complex geometric pattern, or a picture of an anthropomorphised fish?
It was something about the, it was like a teddy bear, or in a, in a, weirdly enough, one of those. In a complex geometric shape? No, a teddy bear in a farmyard with a farm rail, which, that teddy bear should never have been there, really. I think that was probably for children. Was there any nudity? Well, the teddy bear didn't have any clothes on. Could have been an adult. Yeah. Well, anyway, I think that's possibly the way forward, although that's not new, because, of course, you know, colouring the table goes back years. Colouring the table. Well, you know, maybe not for everyone. Doodling. Doodling. Colouring the table. Possibly it's just me that doodles on things. Do you graffiti? Is that what you're saying? Not directly, but, you know, sometimes. Danny was here before her onion soup.
Are you Banksy? What? Oh, God. Okay, thank you for that, Danny. Over here, anyone from over here? That's John? Elton John. Elton John? They should just provide Elton John, if you're waiting. Is he any relation of yours? Distantly. I mean, at some point, he and I, we grew apart after he decided to wear glasses and do music as opposed to work down the mines like any decent person. Do you have a problem with people with glasses? No. I love people with glasses. Not as much as I love jelly. Yeah, okay. I really like jelly. I think they're both good. What about if you put glasses on jelly? That seems like a comic genius thing to do.
Wouldn't that be too much? I think an Elton John tribute band with just jelly with glasses on would be amazing. That's what restaurants should provide. Yeah, okay. That's very good. Elton John tribute bands made from jelly with glasses. Scott, what would you like to see at restaurants to keep customers happy while they wait for a table? Well, as you know, I don't believe in tables. I'd forgotten that. Yeah. So, I think they should just give you your food. I don't care if it's ready or not. You should just get your food, you know. But raw? Yeah. Okay. On your laps, you know, just give you the chair, food on your lap. No table. No plate, just there, ready for you. Wow. So, you walk in, they sit in a chair, they bring out food in whatever condition it's in, cooked or not, and put it directly onto your lap. Yes. And then you pay.
This seems like a regular visit to one of our fast food chains that I wouldn't want to mention. It's okay. We're not at the BBC. You can say that you fucking hate McDonald's because they're corrupt and morally bankrupt. If you like. Okay. So, is it just like going to McDonald's then? Yeah. Any more for any more before we go over to Matthew to get the answers. Any other thoughts? Well, I'd probably never say no to a head massage by a really good masseuse. When you say really good, do you mean hot? No, I mean someone good. Not somebody who does all the extras. You mean someone geared. No, I mean someone with firm hands. And, you know, that's really nice. It's just de-stresses you and allows you to enjoy the weight for your food. Because unlike Scotto over there, who wants to get his food thrown on him as he walks in the door and be covered in it.
Which, frankly, I think that's another place. That's not the restaurant. So, I'd like to, you know, what's that when you salivate or… Salivate. Salivate. Maybe you're salivating over something else, I think. You're going to salivate while someone massages you with firm hands. No, no, no. I want to salivate over the idea of what I'm going to eat. While someone touches you. Now, when you put it like that, it's not sounding quite serious. No, no. I think it sounds great. Don't we just salivate constantly? Isn't that just something we just people do all the time? John and Yen. Details. What? John and his knowledge. I mean, you know, if I were to wait… Depends how long I've waited for a table, I guess. If I waited for a long time, I just want, like, a lot of alcohol. That'll probably keep me happy for a while.
And maybe, like, you know, a giant candy crush on the door to play with. Free booze would be amazing. Yeah. Okay. Anything else from you, Mr. Scott? I can't speak. All I'm going to say is that restaurant is open from 9 till 5. You know, the one that… What's it called? Scott's. Yeah, yeah. Scott's lap-based booze. It's newly opened. It's down the street. It's Scott's Throw It Food restaurant. Lap it up. Yeah. Oh, that would have been much better. I'm going to have to talk to my lawyers now. Say it now. Edit in later. Say it, wrap it up. Wrap it up. There we go. No one will know. I feel like that's also been done in another totally different sphere. Are you back to your massages with extras again?
No, you are back there. Okay. Oh, right. I think we've got more than enough answers. Unless you were about to say something. No, I'm just saying to Scott, I'm busy during his restaurant opening hours. I can't make it. Every day. Every day. Just so he knows now. Get out of the open. Okay. Let's see if anyone got any points. I'm not sure that that will have been the case. Matthew. There have been points. Oh, my God. There are three people here and there are three points. However, Danny did get two points. Got two for give them something to do, which colouring or a massage would kind of work. But acknowledge them. If you're massaging them, you're definitely acknowledging them. So I thought that was worthy of a point. And Scott got a point for double check. They definitely want a table.
Inspired, Scott. Admittedly, the context was a little off, but yeah. There we go. Lovely stuff. A belting first round of the new series. I think we should move on to round two.
Do you need something? It doesn't matter. We can... No, I just put the chocolate. Oh, yeah, yeah. Get stuck in. We have chocolates here. If anyone wants chocolate, please help yourself. They always say that particularly for vocal things, what things you should avoid are milk and chocolate. So enjoy your milky tea and have a chocolate as we continue. Oh, right. Round two is heroic failures. And in this round, I am... It's on the buzzers teams. Everyone should have a buzzer. I mean, I don't need to explain this round. I ask a question, you buzz in and give an answer. It's as simple as that. All right. Get on with it, Chris. Question one. What was unusual about Romanian folk singer John Melu's 1980 performance at the 2200-seater Capitol Theatre in Melbourne? Danny. He was... It was in Bulgarian. No.
John. He was wearing a yak. I don't have that here. Better give John half a point just in case. Scott. There were 201 seats. No. No. It was, in fact, that no audience turned up whatsoever. Oh, that's dreadful. He played the entire show, including the 15-minute interval, and overran by 30 minutes due to two encores. Two encores, but who gave him the clap to get the encore? Are you all right there, Doug? I mean, I'm sorry. Professional voice artist Danny O'Hara is just having a biscuit whilst answering this question. Sorry, carry on. But surely you can't have an encore if no one's clapped you back in. I mean, he did too. My band has had many encores despite never having an audience member, so it is possible.
Oh, man. Oh, you played in Bath with no audience? Well, you had one audience who was in the car with me on the way down. And did you do an encore? Yes. Did they not clap? No.
Question two. How did a Lanarkshire motor mechanic fail his driving test faster than anybody else ever? John. Did he kill the driving instructor? No, he did not. Okay. Any other thoughts? Danny. I feel like that's got something to do with the mechanical, so did he turn up in a self... Did he make his own car? No, he didn't make his own car. Scott. Did he fail to go 88 miles an hour in his DeLorean? No. He thought he was going to pass by travelling through time and then failed to. She passed the test, I guess. Did you travel through time on your driving lesson? On your driving test? I went forwards through time. At what speed? Like, the regular speed. At what speed.
Danny. I just thought, did he talk to the dashboard and call it Kit the whole way through? No, he did not. Did he hope it was Herbie the love bug? No. And that was going to drive forward. We're just making film references now. Yep, that's okay. How many... I think we've done all the movies with cars in there, haven't we? No, obviously not.
It's a TV show, but was the car broom? No, the car wasn't broom. What in fact happened, that's he's showing his age. No, we're showing our age. Someone's showing their age, and I don't like it because I'm on the wrong side of that. All right. What in fact happened was that he became impatient, waiting for the examiner to come out and start the test. So he hooted his horn to hurry the examiner up. And the examiner walked out, just failed him and walked back in again. Which is fair enough. You can't hoot an examiner. No. Did you hoot your examiner, John? I mean, I did something to my examiner. Okay. But I'm not allowed to speak about it. Question three. In 1964, a homing pigeon made it home after being released in Pembrokeshire. But what was unusual about it? Down for fucking hell. I think you know this.
I think it was still carrying a note from the Second World War. No. Oh. Sorry. You were so excited to buzz that you almost destroyed the table, and then it was wrong. I apologise. John. Was it carrying a gift basket from a Bulgarian? No. Do you want to finish that sentence? Oh, from a Bulgarian? From a Bulgarian. No, it wasn't that. Scott. Was it still meant to be on holiday? I mean, sort of, because it was dead. And what's the ultimate holiday? Death. I was going to say Centre Park. So it turned up with a thing in its mouth? Yeah. Dead. It was dead. It had been posted home. Oh, my God.
It set out 11 years before and died, and someone found it and posted it back. Hang on. 11 years before. I wasn't that far off. What did you say? I said it was still en route from the Second World War. Because, you know, pigeons are really important. 55. Well, it's, you know, OK, it was... It's in the same century. All right. I'll leave that to Matthew to work that one out. Oh, right. Matthew, after that exciting round, just have a quick check of the scores. Yes. Have you checked them? I have checked them. Good, thank you. They're our scores. Lovely. All right. More from Matthew later. We should just say that the questions for this round are from the excellent book, The Not Terribly Good Book of Heroic Failures by Stephen Pyle, which is published by Faber and Faber, and is available from all good bookshops, and probably the shit ones, too.
Can I say something? Yeah. Did you know that there's a little museum to the pigeons and the home people? What are they called? The home... The homing pigeons that were in the Second World War? In all wars. In all wars? Yeah. But they were at Bletchley Park, weren't they? Yes. And they have more awards for bravery than any other animal, I think. Oh. Well, that's a sombre and interesting fact, and has absolutely no place on this quiz. So let's move on to round three. It's the Wheel of Things. Yes! This is the Wheel of Things. That's what this round is. Each week, we are going to spin the wheel. Unfortunately, Matthew has lost the wheel. He went down the shops earlier, tied the wheel up outside, and someone bloody rolled off in it. Sorry, guys. So we don't have a wheel.
Instead, I've issued Matthew with some dice. Matthew's going to roll the dice, and he is going to tell us what comes up on the Wheel of Things, which is, in fact, for this series, dice. So, Matthew, if you pick up your shaker and just have a little bit of a shake, and then roll them. Give them a good shake. He does like to make sure they're fully randomised. He's very keen on giving them a good, good, good old shake. Oh, that's just some.
What's it landed on? Poopy-doo. Poopy-doo! Okay. This week's Wheel of Things, one person from each team will see how many words they can convey to their teammate by using sentences containing only the words. Sentences containing the word. Using sentences containing the word. The only restriction is they have to substitute the word on the card for the term poopy-doo. Matthew will award extra points for sentences that please him greatly. So, for example, if your word was sandwich, you might say to you, you've got to use it in sentences, but replace it with a poopy-doo. Oh, I can't wait to have a poopy-doo. I'm going to put ham in my poopy-doo. Don't you love it when you smear mustard on your poopy-doo? You get the idea. So, because we are, of course, playing the exciting individual version of Idiot Wind,
we're going to go in like a circular, like a circle, like a mutual circle. This sounds more like a masturbatory technique the more I explain it. Why don't we start with Danny? John's going to start off. Okay. John's going to start off, and Scott and Danny have to guess. John has 45 seconds to see how many words he conveys within the technique of poopy-doo. John gets a point for getting it right, and does Danny or Scott get a point for getting it right, too? Oh, right. Off we go. In 1966, England won the world poopy-doo. Cut. Yes. My poopy-doo once gave me a toy.
A special friend. No, he's a poopy-doo married to my, oh, aunt.
Would that be your uncle, John? Yeah, there you go. Point to Danny. Oh, I love my poopy-doo so very much. It's always there for me, this poopy-doo. Your blanket. Oh, so close. It is, I have more than one of these poopy-doos in my house. Teddy bear? It's a place where I put my head. Cushions. Cushions? Five seconds. Oh, it's the greatest place, this poopy-doo. Bed. Time is up. Did you get it? It was bedroom. Bedroom. Oh, right. All right, Scott, it's next up for poopy-doo. Who is going to get points here? Well, there's only one way to find out. Off we go. I park my car on this poopy-doo. Shallow grave.
I want to go to poopy-doo. Centerparks.
On my keyboard, there is a poopy-doo.
Keys? What are those things that are invisible, but you go around and catch them for fun? What is it? Ghost? No. Those little things that are... I mean, we should probably let Scott give us some more clues. Okay.
Poopy-doo, the final frontier. Space.
Is that right? Yeah. Okay.
Time is up. That's it for Scott. All right. Danny, it is your turn for... What's that little thing called? Matthew. Pokemon? Pokemon. That's it. Pokemon. Oh, Pokemon. I did not get that. It's a bit old now. It's a bit like two years ago. Okay. And finally to go. Sorry, I just kicked Danny. Finally to go in this round is Danny O'Hara. Danny, are you ready to poopy-doo? Yes, I think so. Please, poopy-doo. They played... So they really enjoyed a town not called Alice. So you've got to use it in a sentence? Oh, poopy-doo. They didn't enjoy Alice. Jed would. Called the town. Sorry, poopy-doo did not play... No, they did play... Not a house like Alice. That's not right.
Do you like poopy-doo on your toast? Poopy-doo is good on toast. And on scones with cream. Marmite. No, that's not right, is it? Poopy-doo is not marmalade. Got some poopy-doo dodgers in the kitchen. Oh, yeah, we've got poopy-doo... Oh, jam. Yes, jam, jam, jam. All right. Five seconds. Some people believe that poopy-doo is a place to go when you've gone dead. Center parks.
And time is up well. Poopy-doo happened. Points were scored. Matthew, do you have any kind of update for us on the scores? Danny is dying. Yes. Well, we now have three points with Danny. Scott has three and a half points. What? It went down. And John's just jumped in ahead and got four and a half. Oh, exciting stuff. We now move on to a round which is both exciting and I've forgotten to record a jingle for. Oh. But I don't think we need one. We have someone special joining us for the next round. They are secluded away in a secret location in a port-a-loo. And I think we can go over to them now.
It's the UK's leading pest expert, Nicholas Sparrow. Hello. Welcome to Sparrow's Eye View, where each week, me, Nicholas Sparrow, pest control expert and owner of one of the top 113 pest control companies in and around the south due east region of the UK. I'm here this week to talk about a very interesting topic and get the teams to answer a very important question. This week, we are going to be talking about rats, aka the rat. Or pigeons without wings, as some call them.
So, thinking about the rat, hmm, what do we know about this creature? Well, we know it's not nice to the palate or the eyes or the facial region at all. There are not many people out there that like the rat. I have a lot of respect for the rats. I have a lot of respect for any animal that is willing to continue on regardless, no matter what anyone else says about them. Right, so, a question for the teams. First, I'm going to hit you with a fact. In London, you are never more than one metre from a Costa Coffee. But how would you catch a rat using only the items found in a Costa Coffee? I put it up to you, the teams. Please, answers must be correct. I have actually done this.
This is drawn from my own life experiences. So, I shall be marking hard. If you do not get exactly what I've got on my card here, no points. Or nil points, as they say in France. Okay, teams, how would, or in fact individuals, how would you catch a rat using only items you might find in a Costa Coffee? Any thoughts? Any initial thoughts? Rats, Costa Coffee. Visualise yourself there. What items have you got around you? Is it specific to Costa, do you think? Yeah. Because it's not just a coffee shop? Well, I mean... No, okay. So, Costa Coffee's got something in it that attracts rats. I mean, I think you're giving it too much... Too much Costa. Too much thought. Okay.
But there's actually good logic behind this. I mean, there is, obviously. He's in the top 100 leading pest control experts in the UK. So, my suggestion would be, take a croissant. Yeah. Divide it with one of those wooden sticks. Yes. Into very small pieces. The Costa Coffee wooden sticks. Yes. Yes. And then I would do a Hansel and Gretel, a bit of a Pied Piper, and make a little trail. Nice. Yeah. I would ask a barista, you know, lovely people work at Costa, to set up a fake Tinder profile. Uh-huh. And they would use this to sort of catfish the rats into a relationship. Ratfish? After... Yeah, ratfish. And after six months,
they'd have to admit it was all a fake, and then they'd be caught, and they couldn't leave because they were mostly dependent upon the barista. Scott. Okay. So, I would set up a tiny Costa Coffee inside the Costa Coffee and advertise for employees. And when they come along to join the Costa Coffee empire, I would then lock the door behind them so they're then trapped in the mini Costa Coffee inside the Costa Coffee. Genius. What would you then do with the miniature Costa Coffee? Well, um... Uh, the business is set up, so... Throw it into the sea? Or you'd just let the... No, just, you know,
just let the empire build, you know, eventually. Would that not attract more rat customers? Yeah. And, you know, they are very well respected. Oh, I see. You know, cheese is going up in the financial market. Yeah. So, yeah, don't knock the rat pound. Embrace the rat pound. All right, interesting. All right, three good answers. Let's see if any of them are correct and we'll score any points. And the answer is quite simple, really. Um, I did this myself. I was in there and I had been called in and the thing that I had to do is I had to get a coffee cup, disposable, of course, one that you take away. Don't use a china one. That will or may shatter. Um, you get your coffee cup, you turn it upside down. Now, you go up to a window.
Often you will find them buzzing around the window. Um, you go up to it. Now, first of all, you have to just make sure, is it the queen? That's my next question right there. If you kill that queen, others will come straight away and they will jump you. But anyway, get your coffee cup. If all of that is clear, then you go up to it, watch its wings. You do not want to chap its wings. You go up to the window, you get your coffee cup over the top of it and just go, and you go, oh, hang on. It's a, that was a wasp, wasn't it? It wasn't a rat. That was a wasp. No points, no rounds. No one gets anything. That's a complete waste of my time. Okay, and thank you to Nicholas Sparrow. Oh, unfortunately, that was a null round. So there's no points there at all. We thank Nicholas Sparrow.
More from him next week. Well done, everybody. You know, there were no points there, but it's okay. As you know, my favourite rounds are the pointless ones. Yay! I feel like we, you know, we gave a, we gave some health warnings about what to do. I think people would have learnt a lot there and their lives would have been a little bit enriched. Do you know what I once saw in a Costa coffee? What's that? A rat trap. Oh. Oh. round five is called What the What the Fuck and we are going to take two news stories from the world of weird and bizarre news and see if you teams, people can identify what the fuck is going on. Oh, right. Question one. In a court filing in the US,
how did David Ostrom request that he and his ex-wife resolve their differences? Danny. Well, I'm just thinking, what was his name again? David Ostrom. David Ostrom. Maybe a bit of a sing-off, something on the lines of winner takes all sort of thing. Well, I mean, I'll give you half a point there. Oh. You could ask that what he was arguing for was the winner taking it all. Any thoughts over this side?
Do they go on a bike ride at Centre Parcs? Because, you know, that makes sense because the last time you want to spend time together you want to spend it in the happiest place on earth which is famously Centre Parcs. Are you some kind of sales agent? Are you on commission? Are they giving you Centre Parcs currency for every mention? I mean, this is why I'm not available during Scott's restaurant hours. You did turn up on a bike looking very tired in your swimming costume. Scott, any thoughts on this one? Yeah. Was everything decided with a toss of a coin? No. Oh, close though. No. I was worried there would be guns involved. Not guns, but... Custard pies? Not custard pies. Sword fight? Yes, let's have the other half point going towards John.
He requested a duel by sword. Wow. Which he thought was still on the legislature from hadn't ever been repealed. He asked for 12 weeks so that he could source or make samurai swords. He also said his ex-wife's lawyer could fight for her as her champion. Okay. That's nice. The next and final question of the What the Fuck round. What measures was ITN reporter Debbie Edwards tricked into taking whilst cuddling a koala? What measures? What measures? Dani? I don't know if she was tricked into this, but I would say this was pretty standard. I mean, I'm assuming that she took on the role of the eucalyptus tree, possibly by a onesie or just having sticks stuck on her because obviously
the koala needs to feel at home and they're at home in a eucalyptus tree, right? Interesting idea. No, it wasn't that. Yes, John? I mean, famously, koalas have chlamydia. Yeah. So I assume she had to, like, wear, like a giant Leslie Nielsen sized condom. Like, for those who are old enough to remember the film. Right.
It was about protecting, so I'll give you half a point for that. Scotto? Was the koala actually her producer? Did she have to wear, like, a harness so she could carry his weight? No, it wasn't that. I mean, in fact, she was tricked into wearing protective body armor and goggles, which is a classic Aussie ruse for tourists. When locals got there, she was told that the bear was, in fact, a drop bear, a vicious cousin of a koala and made to put full body armor on. That brings us to the end of What the What the Fuck, Matthew? What the scores, mate? Well, it is getting tense between Danny and Scott and the scores are the same at three and a half. Ooh. And John's just, just killing it. He's on five and a half. Okay, there's still everything to play for. As we move on to a new round for this season, we are going to take a trip
to the delightful place that we call Matthew Corner.
Look, up in the sky, it's a bird. It's a plane. It's that. Matthew. Matthew. How is the corner? It is very comfortable, thank you. It's lovely how you've decorated it for this season. Is that real horse fur? Of course. Yeah. You can't accept imitations. What have you got for us this week? I'm asking the not teams, although they are teams, they've got team names, to play Know Your Stationery. You just have to simply list these items of stationery by the date they were invented. Although, where the invention is somewhat contested, it's actually the date of the accepted patent. Okay? I've already got balls and we haven't even started. Thanks. So just the order, you don't have to worry about the year.
We have the eraser, the hole punch, the pencil, the pencil sharpener and the stapler. Sorry, Matthew, can you just, what am I supposed to do? Put this in order and the dates of the pencil? You don't need the dates. Did you doze off, Danny? I mean, sorry, let me just go through this again. Just the order in which they were invented. So what came first, the pencil or the pencil sharpener? I think the pencil sharpener came first. I love your thinking. Do you know what? We need something to put in this.
So it's a pencil, pencil sharpener, a ruler. Not a ruler. Oh, no ruler. Eraser. Eraser. That's a rubber. Yeah. Okay, sorry. Eraser, rubber. Hole punch. Hole punch. That's a hole punch. Pencil, pencil sharpener and stapler. And stapler. Right, well, there's logic behind this, right? Ruler first.
You can't have the hole punch if we have an invented paper and he's not on that list. No, so he doesn't help us at all. It's good logic. In this particular situation, not at all helpful. It's probably one of those quirks of history. The eraser was probably invented first. It won't have been called an eraser though, will it? Because that means it was invented in America and that's a lot younger. And they don't invent things in America, do they? Surely the pencil's been around. People have had to write stuff and then get rid of it again. So are you going for pencil first then? He says, hopelessly trying to get at least one answer out of three people. I think, I think, logic tells me it has to be pencil, but that doesn't mean there wasn't something in the universe that could take away
the pencil mug.
Yes, that's a very good point. No, I reckon it's the hole punch first because, I mean, a spear is just a hole punch. You just poke into people, so. I think the patent for the hole punch though, or for the spear, sorry, would have had it as a spear and it also predated the patent system. Can I just ask Martin?
You could if he was here, yes. Hello Martin. It's a hole punch, actually called a hole punch. I guess so, it punches holes. Yeah, I was just wondering if it was a fancy name and that was just slang. Good. Okay, well, as fun as this has been, I'm going to have to push you now to each rank, those five in order, please, starting with you, Scott, what's your order? Okay, so, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it's the pencil, the eraser, the hole punch, the pencil sharpener, and then whatever the fifth one was. And then stapler. Stapler. John. Mine is going to be pencil sharpener, then eraser, then hole punch, then stapler, then pencil.
Thank you. Daddy? Well, I think, obviously, a stapler comes first because it's used in other fields. Yep. You can staple fields. Staple, then thing. Staple and thing. Yep. And then the pencil. Yeah, and then ruler, and then Martin. And then Martin. All right, thank you. All right, three excellent answers there. Has anyone scored any points, Matthew? Scott was amazingly close. Yeah. It was pencil, then eraser, then pencil sharpener, then stapler, then hole punch. So you only had one out. But as a fun fact, it's not fun, but it's a fact. The pencil sharpener came 264 years after the pencil. Wow. So what were people even doing? What on earth were they doing? They were using knives. My dad still does it.
How do you just threw them away after? The pencil's quite old. They were still probably using the spear. Spear for everything. And their teeth. And their teeth. Do they have spears at centre parks? They're called trees. That's an unsharpened spear, isn't it? Yeah. That was the exciting Matthew corner round. Some points may well have been awarded, but we're running over, so we don't really have time to check on that. Instead, we'll assume that it's all still to play for, or nobody gives a shit, and we'll move on to our final round, which is called questions.
The final round is questions. Fingers on the buzzer, teams, for the exciting climax of anybody's game. Question one. Who was the first US president to visit all 50 states? John. George Washington. No. No one else knows any presidents. It was Danny. And I enjoyed it myself. Danny? Professor Clinton.
Please give your, whoever you're going to answer, give them an academic title they don't have. It would make me very happy.
Was it Arnold Schwarzenegger in the prologue of Demolition Man? No, it was not. It was. John. Was it Dr. Obama, PhD?
No, it wasn't. It was Viscount Nixon. Okay, which is not an academic title. Question two. What type of trout am I thinking of? John. Rainbow. It's the only one. That's correct. Question three. Who was this? Matthew's impression. You're right, mate. Who was that?
Was it Professor Clinton? Was it Professor Clinton?
Judith Chalmers. No. Nicola Sturgeon. No. It was my milkman. Question four. After how many years, though, oh, this is quite, this is quite similar to what we just had. How many years after cans were invented, were can openers invented? Scott? 500 years. No. It's a trick question. There were invented to be four cans were invented. No.
17. 48. Question five. Oh, that's close. Is this supposed to be some kind of joke? John? No. No. What? Was that a question? Scott? It's a rhetorical question. No. So, Danny, it's not no, or is it a rhetorical question? Danny? Yeah. Is the correct answer? Yes, it was. Question six. Where is the world's heaviest building?
No, it is in fact. John? Massachusetts. No. Anyone else want to hazard a guess? Danny and Scott simultaneously? Wolverhampton. Wolverhampton? Wolverhampton. No. Jupiter. No. It was in fact in Bucharest. It's the Palace of Parliament. Name this song. You've got me, babe. And then it's, what's her name? And I've forgotten both of those things. Sorry. All right. Excellent answer, but no. Anyone else? So, John? Call Me Maybe? Yes, it is. By? Carly Rae Jepsen. Professor Carly Rae Jepsen. Oh, okay.
And the final question of the first episode of the third series. What can students from Baylor University in Waco, Texas get for free from 3 to 4pm every Tuesday? Bike ride at Centre Parks. No. Danny? A motivational speech download from Bush. No. A free burger from my restaurant. No, but close. A free burger and beer from restaurants in general. No, it is in fact a Dr. Pepper ice cream float. Okay. And that brings us to the end of the exciting final round. Matthew, could you reveal the final scores? Yes, I could. Would you like to? Oh, okay.
We have Danny at 4.5 points. Scott on 5.5 points.
That was Scott on 5.5 points. Yeah. Which means that either the winner is John or I've read it in the wrong order. Oh, no, it's John as the winner. 6.5 points. Woo! So, the winner gets the most points. Yeah. Oh, you're playing the golf rules version. Well done, John. What are you going to spend your winnings on? I'm going to go on holiday. Where are you going to go? Bucharest. Well, have a lovely time. That was Idiot Wind. Thank you to John Newing, Scott, James Gooch, Danny O'Hara, and of course, the delightful Matthew Haywood. And also, of course, Nicholas Sparrow for phoning in from his port-a-loo to bring us that question. We're happy to be back. If not a little bit rusty, you'll probably get better next week. Thanks for listening. See you next time.
This has been Idiot Wind.
Idiot Wind is produced in association with Dogface Improv, Fantata, and Slow Theatre Company, and is executive produced by Emma T. The music is Yes, I Do by the Melvins, and don't forget, you can find out more and support the podcast by going to idiotwindpodcast.com.
The music is Yes, I Do by the Melvins. The music is Yes, I Do by the Melvins. The music is Yes, I Do by the Melvins. The music is Yes, I Do by the Melvins. The music is Yes, I Do by the Melvins. The music is Yes, I Do by the Melvins. The music is Yes, I Do by the Melvins. The music is Yes, I Do by the Melvins.