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Yeah, welcome, welcome, welcome to another episode of your favorite panel show podcast, Idiot Wind. I mean, I'm being very presumptuous now. I'm putting words into your mouth, but it feels nice in there, doesn't it? Oh, OK. Yeah, we have some idiots. We're going to do a quiz for you. And I am joined by four brilliant idiots who are going to quiz for you. I'm stuck in a loop of saying the same sentence over and over again. Don't worry, I'll get out of it in a minute. One more time round. I'm joined by four idiots who are going to do a lovely quiz for you.
On my right, I have the delightful John Neewing. John, how are you? I am feeling brilliant, like I could sing in the rain. OK, OK, that's nice. Maybe later. Unfortunately for you, the sun is currently out. But fingers crossed that that will change. And on your side, it's Enrico Choni. Enrico, how are you? Hello. Hello. I'm good. I'm good. I'm a bit jet-like still. I got back from a big trip yesterday. Oh, yeah, yeah. You're in America, right? Yeah. But my body has stopped doing that thing that it still pretends that you're experiencing turbulence. So yesterday I was sitting in front of the TV having just arrived from the trip and like my body kept going. It felt like it was going up and down the whole time. But now it's not doing that anymore. Oh, that's good. I mean, I don't know if that's good or bad. Part of me would have enjoyed that going on while the quiz was going on.
Yeah, that's true. That would have been an extra layer. And facing John and Enrico is Danielle O'Hara. Hello, Danny. Hello. How are you? I'm really good, thank you. It's been a lot of sunny days lately, which I've got out and enjoyed. You like the sun, don't you? You're like a reverse vampire. Yes, I am. Yes. In fact, I tried out the vampire and it just wasn't for me. No, it's gone back to daylight. Lovely stuff. And on your team is Scott James Gooch. Hello. Hello, Scott James Gooch. Hello. Do people use your full name or am I basically the only person who uses your middle name? Yeah, you're the only person and I respect you for your life choices using my full name. I find it rolls off the tongue, Scott James Gooch. You can't shorten that to me.
Yeah, I do like it when you use my full name. Yeah, you do, don't you? You like that, don't you? Talking of names, we'll get some team names working backwards through the teams that we have already established. Danny and Scott, do you have a team name or would you alternatively like to make one up on the spot? Well, Scott and I talked about it in detail in our planning meeting and we thought that we'd put two words together that were two words that were important to us. I would choose his word and he would choose my word. Lovely. I'm picking Grosch for Scott. Yeah. And I'm picking Lavender. Grosch Lavender. Oh, what a beautiful team name. It's either like a new type of beer. They will be pitted against this team. Oh, we planned this. We're going to say it together at the same time. Yes. Yeah. Okay.
We are the Great Clown Gods. Clown Gods. Great Clown Gods. Yes. Great Clown Gods. Okay. Grosch Lavender versus the Great Clown Gods too. Probably two of the strongest team names we've ever had on Idiot Wind. So, well done. Those are the two teams. And of course, I'm very excited to do the final bit of business before we get going. And that is to introduce one of my favourite people in the entire sofa called Matthew. It's Matthew. Hi. Hey, Matthew. How are you? I am wonderful. Thank you, Chris. Good. It's been lovely chatting. Should we get on with the quiz? Yes, please do. Well, it's going to be an amazing half an hour. I mean, literally, don't pause this and go and put some shelves up or anything.
Just sit yourself down, maybe loosen some clothing and get ready to be entertained.
Sort it out. Yes, round one is called Sort It Out. I have a conundrum for our teams. Can they get close to what is written down on Matthew's bit of paper? I mean, he will discretionarily, which probably isn't a word, award points. So, teams, according to Country Life magazine in 2015, what are the hallmarks of a gentleman? Well, I believe silver's hallmarks are like a stamped E&W. Oh, like a silver? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So, their hallmarks are that. So, I guess what I'm looking for stamped on someone is… You think most gentlemen would be branded? I'm sorry. Was that not what the question was? The question is what the hallmarks… Oh, I see… Well, it says hallmark.
I mean, I assume you weren't talking about the card company. No. I thought he was. Well, I mean, that's a different answer. And I'll give you that one. And hallmarks' understanding of what a gentleman is, is obviously someone who likes football, but wears spotty trunks and farts a lot. Okay. All good answers. We'll see if any of those were on the list later. Anyone else? So, hallmarks of a gentleman, I would assume carries a sword cane, because… Is that a sword that's also a cane? Yeah. It's like a hollow tube for the cane. Yeah. And a sword comes out of it. It sounds awesome. It does sound incredibly gentlemanly. It does sound gentlemanly. And therefore, like, you know, you can use it to, like, pick up litter. Yeah. You know, reach tall shelves. Yes.
It's country life, so it's probably that they can tame a badger as a mount. Okay. They ride it? Yeah, so they ride it. Oh, they ride it. Big badger or small gentleman? Delia's choice, really. Delia?
Delia's choice. She has the final decision on it. It's funny. I actually, I was thinking about this specific question that you just asked. And like Danny, I also latched onto the word hallmark without really thinking about the rest of the question.
Sorry, sorry, Enrico. A little bit presumptuous there, if you don't mind me saying something. What a lovely, polite way to have a dig at somebody who's sitting next to you. Thank you very much. No, no, no. We're on the same page. Like Danny, I'm a c***.
No, but I was thinking, I've been doing some research on hallmark Christmas movies, and apparently a good man in these films is someone who is kind and time travels, ideally as a knight, and teaches you the real meaning of Christmas, but also that the small town that you come from that you don't appreciate anymore because you moved to the big city is actually okay. We'll see if that's on the list in a second. I'm thinking almost definitely yes. Matthew, any points in the first round? Surprisingly, there have been, although I've been a bit generous. Most of these are utterly ridiculous, but Scott gets half a point for, it says, can sail a boat and ride a horse.
Now, I know a badger is not a horse or a boat. However, the idea of mounting an animal is on there. So that's half a point. I then gave Enrico two points for time travel because most of these are so old fashioned that I think that is a useful skill. So, for example, wears a rose, not a carnation. Yeah. Well, it says, is not a vegetarian, and that's not very modern, is it? No. Can undo a bra with one hand. God, Matthew. This is Country Life magazine 2015 as well. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He's not a vegetarian. No, I'm going back to the bra with one hand. All gentlemen, apparently, should be able to undo a bra with one hand. It doesn't say... Well, I'd like to know how they put it on with one hand. It doesn't say whose hand, and then possesses at least one well-made dark suit, one tweed suit, and a dinner jacket.
So the time travel is very important there. So that means Enrico has two points, and Scott has half, and Danny and John didn't contribute. Avoid wearing lilac socks. Yeah. Would never own a chihuahua. That's unfair to chihuahuas, really, isn't it? So, points have been had, and the first round felt like it lasted for a century. So let's move on to round two.
Round two of soroic failures is on the buzzers teams, and question one. Why was Winchester Cathedral fined £3,000 in 1985? John. It didn't take his hat off to a lady. No.
Danny. It opened the bra with two hands, not one. No. I can see a theme developing. It was wearing a rose on a carnation.
Scott, would you like to buzz in and say something from the first round?
Was it riding a badger? Yeah. Okay, it was in fact that they returned a book to Somerset County Library that the Bishop of Winchester had taken out in 1650. Wow. So they were fined £3,000, which is not bad for like 300 years. The Bishop of Winchester took out, ironically, a book entitled The Book of Fines.
Question two. What did crowds in London witness in 1977? When human cannonball Miss Rita Thunderbird attempted to be shot out of a cannon and over the River Thames? Oh, dear. Scott. Did it turn out she was the wrong calibre? Oh. I mean, I'd love it. I think that should get a point. Did they see a cannibal? That there was a mix-up and actually, instead of getting a cannonball, they got a human cannibal? They just saw someone eat someone else.
No, it wasn't that, unfortunately. Dani. I mean, I feel like Rita demised or, yeah, mid-air. No, she didn't. But her clothes did. Oh. She became naked. I would give Dani something for that. I'll leave Matthew to work out what Dani gets for that. It was, in fact, that she remained in the cannon, but her bra was fired across the Thames to the opposite bank. Like their seventh reference to a bra. It's as if the quiz has been written by a 12-year-old boy, isn't it? Okay, that's the end of round two. Matthew, any points to talk of there, really?
Not worth talking of, no. No, I won't bother then. It's the Wheel of Things. Yes, this round three is called the Wheel of Things. And as we discovered last week, Matthew has lost the wheel. Matthew, what happened to the wheel? It was left, well, I tied it securely outside a shop, and it wasn't there when I got back. I have been looking for it, though. It rolled off. It's really big. It's a really big wheel. I know, and I put pictures of it online and said, have you seen this wheel? It's kind of a one-of-a-kind thing, but I haven't found it yet. Okay. Have you got your dice?
I mean, I've got the sound effect queued up, so you have to say yes, otherwise it won't work. Yes. Okay, well done. All right, get your shaker out.
Give them a good shake. Make sure they're nice and random.
Okay, that's probably good now. Roll the fucking dice!
Okay, what's come up, Matthew? Idiot Oscars. Ah, Idiot Oscars. Interesting. Well, it's awards season. I mean, this is a podcast, so it doesn't really make any sense. You could be listening to this any time. But let's face it, there's probably an awards ceremony going on somewhere in the world at any given point in time. So our teams are now going to honour awards season and see how many idiotic award introductions they can make in a minute. Speaking one word at a time alternately, they're going to introduce themselves, introduce the award category, the nominees, and announce the winner. They're not allowed to use real actors or people's names. They're not allowed to use real movie titles or real categories for the Oscars. Matthew will award bonus points if the performance is so good he gets all gooey eyes, eyed and starstruck. The great clown gods are going to go first.
Okay, I'm going to put some time and amount of time on the clock. Don't trouble yourself with how much time. There is a seven in the amount of time. It's time for the Idiot Oscars! Welcome to the Annual Idiot Award. Today, we are going to present the award for Greatest Pigeon Wrangler. The award goes to these four nominees who are Penryn, Wigglesworth, Jehoshaphat, Frank, Bob, and Jeffro Jeffrey. And the winner is Jeffro Jeffrey for Best Pigeon Wrangler in Film Ever.
And what was the film? Did we get the film name? The film was Pigeon on Fire. That's our first one. Let's have one more. Our award for Best Green Man in Cinema is Very Special. And here is the list of people who were nominated. They are Nicholas, Wichel, Witchman, Gregory, Frank, Bob, and Jeffro Jeffrey. And the winner is Jeffro Jeffrey for the film called Green Fire on Pigeons. Congratulations!
Yay! All right, that's all of the awards we have time for right now. Well done, you two. I think we had a real name in there. Matthew might be marking you down for Nicholas Wichel, I'm afraid. Although, I think cleverly, Enrico chucked a Witcher on the end. So it wasn't Nicholas Wichel. It was Nicholas Wichel, Witcher, which is a fictional person, I would imagine. Scott and Danny are ready to go next, who as a team are, of course, called Grolsch Lavender. Let's have two awards from Grolsch Lavender when you're ready. Off you go. Hello. And here is the award for the longest fight in music animation.
The winner will be announced now.
The winner is one guy from the list. He or is a very interesting guy. So I will announce them now. First, his royal highness, Adam, John, and his royal wife, Mary Peterson, Gillian, Cooper, Richmond. Yay. So, that is all the awards list. Yay. Woo. Okay, good. That was in a non-traditional order.
I like the way that we got the winner followed by the nominations and the winner wasn't on the nominations list. But that's absolutely fine. I've just got time for one more award. Hi. I am Judith Barrymore, the second. And I'm here to announce the nominees for the singing anthem of Newcastle. First nominee is Susan. Sue. The second and third of Rochester.
The winner is not on my list. She died.
That tragic news, I think, is probably going to have to bring the award ceremony to a close because somebody died shortly before getting their award. Well, excellent. Four awards, I think, possibly given out there. Matthew, were you starstruck at any point? Not particularly, no. I quite like Jethro Jeffrey, but he is a real person. He was the milkman that I did an impression of previously. Oh, interesting. So, minus points for that. My personal favourite was Susan, Sue, the second and third from Rochester. Well, that was Wheel of Things. Maybe points were scored. We don't have time to hang about and trouble ourselves with that kind of thing. That's why we pay Matthew the big bucks. We're now going to move on to the round that I have forgotten to make a jingle for.
So, if we could all now collectively make a jingle for a round called Sparrows Eye View. Three, two, one, go. Yes, the next round is called Sparrows Eye View. And it's over to Nicholas Sparrow, who is in his port-a-loo in Kemp Town, I believe. Nicholas Sparrow, are you there? Hello, and welcome to Sparrows Eye View. My name is Nicholas Sparrow, top pest control expert. I own one of the top 113 pest control businesses in the south due east region of the UK.
Now, this week, we're going to be talking about smart animals. Now, I know what you're all thinking. Most people would take smart, they'd take animals, and they'd call it smanimals. Not me. I take animals, and I take smart, and call it anal arts. So, this week, we're going to be talking about anal arts. Now, nature is littered with animals that have highly evolved brains. There is a report of a moose that could feel the colour brown, whilst many say a lemma has the ability to detect unexpected items in your bagging area. But let's look at two of the top predators of their time. One is from the near past, and that is the dinosaur.
The other is a dangerous animal that I like to call the dolphin. Now, let's pit them against each other. The dinosaur, what's that got? It's got aggression. It's got big teeth. It's got large feet. But it's also got very, very small upper arm strength. That's the problem. That's its weakness. That's his Achilles arms. But what has the dolphin got? The dolphin has the brains. We all know that. We've all seen those holiday pics. Our friends on Facebook, oh, we're having a lovely time. Those dolphins, they're at their grafting. They're saying it's £10 per picture. Now, come on. There's two of you there. That's £20.
I don't do discounts. They're ruthless like that. They're ruthless little creatures. So the questions for the team this week. We've got the T-Rex. That's got the brawn. We've got the dolphin. That's got the brains. But let's even things up. Who would win in a fight to the death? An angry dolphin with big arms or a placid T-Rex with a monocle? I put it to you, teams. Discuss. So the question from Nicola Sparrow is who would win in a fight between a dolphin and a T-Rex? Gross lavender. Is it in a fishbowl? Is it in a tank? I think we need to level the playing field, like give them the same equipment. OK. Like a bulldozer. Yeah, if they're both giving bulldozers.
I think, if I'm honest, I think... Come on, be honest. Like the dolphin will end up calling in a lot of friends even without noticing it because they make such an interesting noise. Yeah. And it will attract a great deal of birds and winged animals. And I think actually it will be a call to an army. OK, so they're going for dolphin, gross lavender.
Insane clown dimension. What are your thoughts? Well, I think clearly the answer is the T-Rex for here is wearing a monocle. And so he's a true gentleman. And even if he loses, he has still won in principle. Ah, lovely stuff. Definitely not wearing lilac socks either. No. I entirely agree. T-Rex, monocle. T-Rex. T-Rex. Oh, you've rebranded it. It's awesome. T-Rex. T-Rex. It is true that you don't really want anything slobbery. Open up your bra as well.
That's not what you said to me last night, darling. OK, let's go back over to Nicholas Barrett's Port-A-Loo and see if any of you get any points. And the answer is, well, it's a dolphin and a T-Rex would drown instantly. You're on the right path where you're asking whether it would be on land and water. Well done, Danny. Matthew, we're hopelessly behind. So I hope you don't mind if we don't come to you for the scores right now. But it doesn't matter because we're about to immerse ourselves in your corner.
Matthew, what do you have for this week in your corner? Today, we're going to be playing Guess That Ding. What? So I'll play a recording of a bus stopping bell. And all the teams have to do is guess the route that the bus was on at the time of the bell. Easy as that. Is that it? What do you mean, is that it? I mean, I don't mean to be offensive, but is your life so overwhelmingly crushingly dull
that you think that this is an appropriate round to put in a quiz? I think you're being offensive. So regardless of what you said, yes, I think this is perfectly fine. And I think everyone will enjoy this anyway. It's fine. But of course, I do need to just remind everyone that this is Norwich bus routes only. All right? We can't... Oh, well, there we go. You didn't say that. Now it's incredibly fucking exciting, isn't it? All right. So... I'm just going to play my first ding for... Who wants to go first? Volunteers. I'd love to, actually. Yeah, okay. She's lying. I mean, I know a lot of Manchester dings, so I'm going to hope for the best. Yeah, well, good luck. That's you, people. Could I suggest that it's the park and ride 502 Sproulston to Harford? What?
Oh, do you want to guess which bus stop it was at? I guess it's approaching Norwich bus station. I'm going to give you the bonus point, because it's actually the other way round. It's going to Sproulston from Harford, but it was at the Norwich bus station, so that is a point. Well done. Thank you. Yeah, no, sorry about that. Oh, my God. How did you know that? Sorry, Chris. I feel like I don't know you anymore. Let's go for Enrico. See if you can guess where this one is.
It sounds to me like that is the first turquoise line, number 13, approaching Anglia Square. Oh, again, you get a point for the bus stop. It was actually a bit of a curveball. It's the Sanders Coaches X55, but you're right. It is at Anglia Square. Stop D, to be precise, as I'm sure you know. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Matthew, what's happening? Right, shall we move on to Scott? Scott?
Oh, okay. Yeah, I don't use buses, I'm afraid, but I did hear Jim's taxi behind. Oh, okay. Yeah, we'll go with it. Well, is he getting a point for that? Yeah, why not? I mean, Jim's taxi was clearly in the recording. Did you not hear? That's just listening skills. We'll go with it. That's a point for Scott for correctly guessing an extra unwritten bonus. When did you guys become so tedious? So, John, just to you. Okay.
Oh, I was on this bus. That's the 39A pulling away from the Hall Road Asda at 2 o'clock in the morning. Well, hang on, you were there with me on the bus, weren't you? Yeah, when you were recording it. It was actually the 29A. Oh, when you were recording it. It was the other Asda. It was the one on Drayton High Road. I'm amazed you could hear the Asda from that. But yeah, that's still worthy of a point. So, well done. Point to everyone. Wow. What a round. Well done, I suppose. Did you want to guess one, Chris? No, I do not want to guess one. All right, suit yourself. We're all having fun here. Yeah, everyone's having fun. Well, that was Matthew Corner. Woo.
All right, after that interlude of TGM, we're now back on to the final round of the game. And it's probably anyone's game. I don't know what the scores are. I've mildly lost the will to live. So let's just crack through this and we can all go home. All right, it's questions. It's on the buzzer, teams. And if we're ready, let's get on with question one. Which is, in which century did the Black Death kill an estimated 75 to 200 million people? Yeah, who was that? John. John. Hi, John. First. No. Okay. No, terrible guess. Enrico. Worst. It was. It's difficult to argue against that. Point to Enrico. Danny. The deadly century. Also good. Yeah. The 25th century.
I mean, you'd seen how it'd gone. You could have got an easy point there. No, no. It was, in fact, the 13th century is the actual correct answer. Name this song.
Danny. Lion into the night.
Close enough. Half a point to Danny. Named a big cat. John. I am a tiger. I am some people. Survivor? Yeah, well done. Points to John. Question three. Whose full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts? Danny. Barbara Windsor. No. Barbara Millicent Roberts. Oh, sorry. No, that's just repeating what I said. John. Jeffro Jeffrey. No, it wasn't that either. Danny. David Cameron. No. Any other thoughts? Oh, Barbara Millicent. Because this is the... Yeah, I have to give Enrico a point for that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what you were trying to say first time around. Yeah, I think so. 30 seconds of thinking about it, Enrico, with the correct configuration. The answer that I have is Barbie. Question four. Who is this? It's Matthew's impression. No, mate. You can't park there.
Who was that? John. Geoffrey. Geoffrey. All you want is Geoffrey. Just everything. Scott. Sir Patrick Stewart. Oh. No, no, it was someone that I just saw outside when I was trying to park, and he said I couldn't park there. Oh. Oh, damn it. Matthew, where did you park? Did you need the permit? Oh, just a good... Did you need the permit? Probably, yes. Okay, right, we'll start that in a second. How many colours of a Crayola crayon have there been? Enrico. 365. No. John. 366. No. Scott. None. Colour is an Illusion. Yes. Have a point. Any other guesses? It was, in fact, 133 or zero colour is an illusion. Question six. Wow. Is there any point to any of this? John. Yes. No.
Danny. Probably not. Half a point. Enrico. I mean, we're having fun, right? No. No points. No. Okay, full point to Danny. All right. Question seven. Where might you find a shaggy soldier? Danny. In a bar. No. Next to Scooby-Doo. No. John. Particularly furry piece of toast and your egg. No. I mean, I like that, but no. Oh, well. First World War film. No. It is, in fact, in a garden. It's a plant that's native to Mexico, but found almost everywhere. Question eight. And the final question of the quiz. How long did the Apollo... That's a real one. That's disappointing, isn't it? How long did the Apollo 11 landing craft spend on the moon? John. Not as long as you think. Yes, you're correct. Yeah, John's right. Get a point for that. Anyone else?
No. Danny. No, it didn't. Give Danny, like... Give Danny a faked point. What was the R for? Because you're a moon... We didn't land on the moon, conspiracist. Are you? Stanley Kubrick filmed it. Let's not get into that. No, I was just trying to... I was confused if this was the Tom Hanks one.
It was, but that was real as well. I mean, that wasn't. That was a film. But was that 11? 13. 13. 13. I didn't make it, did I? 13 didn't make it. The 11 was the one that did make it. And stayed on the moon for longer than you would think. Not as long as you would think. 21 hours and 31 minutes. Woo! Well, that was some... That was longer than I thought. Yeah, me too, actually. You're on my team, man. But John said it to me. Oh, yeah. And I thought about it. And that wasn't as long as I thought. All right. Fine. Okay. Well, I'll leave Matthew to sort out that conundrum. Matthew, how long did you think the lunar lander was on the moon? I thought it was 21 hours, 29 minutes. So it was slightly longer than I thought. Slightly longer than you thought as well.
It's like 25 minutes, so I'm well off. Okay, well, the quiz is... Just enough time to nip out, make some footsteps, set up a flag. The quiz is over. We need to go and put a permit in Matthew's car. So let's just quickly get the final scores and we'll get out of here. Well, it's quite interesting. The great clown gods have a total of 11. Now, with Groslavender, there may be an extra point for Scott if there is indeed a plague that wipes up to 200 million people off the world in a few hundred years' time. Shall we give him the point? If we give him the point, they lose with 10.
In that case, definitely don't give him the point. In which case, they have nine. Thank you to John LeRain, to Scott James Gooch, to Enrico Cioni, to Danny O'Hara, to Matthew bloody lovely Hayward, to Nicola Sparrow. I have been Chris Reid. This has been Idiot Wind. Idiot Wind is produced in association with Dogface Improv, Fantata and Slow Theatre Company and is executive produced by Emma T. The music is Yes I Do by The Melvins and don't forget, you can find out more and support the podcast by going to idiotwindpodcast.com.
The music is Yes I Do by The Melvins and don't forget, you can find out more and support of the podcast. The music is Yes I Do by The Melvins and don't forget, you can find out more and support of the podcast. The music is Yes I Do by The Melvins and don't forget, you can find out more and support of the podcast. The music is Yes I Do by The Melvins and don't forget, you can find out more and support of the podcast. The music is Yes I Do by The Melvins and don't forget, you can find out more and support