Transcript
DownloadMachine-made, so expect the odd mishearing. Hit a timestamp to jump the player there.
Yo yo big dog. If you can spare us a few quid, we'd love that. You can support this show at www.idiotwindpodcast.com. Check out the Idiot Wind Facebook page for live streamed shows during the apocalypse. Now please enjoy episode 19, Nikki Nips.
It's Idiot Wind!
Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to another episode of That Which We Called Idiot Wind, the panel show podcast made for idiots by idiots and I'm delighted to be joined by some very special idiots and Mayberry, Mayberry. It's the first link and I've fucked it up. Maybe I will be joined by someone special later, by which I don't mean Matthew because we all know he's not special. So we'll find out about that later. But let's meet the teams first of all. And seated to my right is Charlotte Gardner. Hello. Would you rather I called you Charlie? It does not matter. I don't care. I'm going to call you Ian. Hello. That's my uncle's name. Oh, that's a bit awkward then. It reminds me of when I... No, I'm not going to tell that story. Okay. Something about someone called Roger. How are you? I'm well, thank you. How are you?
I'm very good. What have you been up to since we last spoke to you? My car broke down. Oh yeah, shit. What happened? I got a flat tyre on my way to a murder mystery, so I don't know who did it. You don't know who did the murder mystery or the flat tyre? Both of the above. Okay. Was it a flat tyre mystery? Yeah, a flat tyre mystery. Did you have fun at a murder mystery? Yeah, it was a really good time, actually. Yeah? Did you kill anyone? No, it was my husband who died. What? Your actual husband? My actual husband died. Shit. Hang on. Right. So you went to a party and your actual husband died and it was a great night. Yeah, it was fabulous because I inherited the money. Excellent. Lovely stuff. Hello, Robbie. Hello. You are on Miss Charlotte Gardner's team this evening. How are you feeling about that ton of events, given what she's just told us about people she's close to dying?
It's my time. Are you happy to go? Yeah. Okay, good. Before the end of the quiz. You're named after a city. Yes. The city of Robbie. No, your surname is Sunderland. Yep. How's that panned out for you so far? When I was very young, everyone thought I supported Sunderland. Have you been tempted to support Sunderland? Nope. The Black Cats? Yep. Nope. I've never been to Sunderland. I've never had anything to do with Sunderland. But yes, it's your... Are you, like, specifically avoiding going there, to avoid obvious cliché? I think so. I think they're probably quite... Because it's not an uncommon name. Is it not? No, there's a few of them. Oh, okay. It comes from Yorkshire, the name. Oh, it doesn't come from Sunderland. We're actually getting some actual knowledge here now. Yeah, this is dangerous. We need to stop this in New Zealand.
I imagine a lot of Sunderlands go to Sunderland and say, Her, my name's Sunderland. Ooh, and expect that free beer. Yeah, it doesn't happen, does it? It's get chucked. Black cats get chucked at them. Yeah, that's fair enough. It's what they fucking deserve. Okay, and you'll be facing... That's my family you're talking about. Oh, yeah. I'd forgotten that. So you two are making up our first team. Do you have a team name? We are the Shortbread Rounds. Oh, nice. Where do you get your crazy ideas? He says, looking at the table and there's a box of Shortbread Rounds on the table. Let's meet your opponents. Hello, Steve. What's your name? Hello. I'm Steve. Hello. Yeah. Have you got anything that you'd like to tell us at this juncture? Well, weirdly, my car's just broken down and I'm doing a murder mystery. What? Yeah. Are you living Charlie's life a day behind her?
Well, yeah, I'm doing the murder mystery next weekend. I know who did it at this point, but I'm thinking, I've never done one of these things. You know who did it. Well, I'm in it, but I don't do them. I mean, by the time this goes out, the person will have died. But I'm thinking, I could just kill somebody instead and everybody will be like, ooh. Yeah. Yeah. You're thinking of going off script? I could do. I think that fucks the entire night up. Well, I mean, it's improv anyway. Yeah. Yeah. Two minutes in, it's like Apocalypse Now. Yeah.
There has to be someone alive to reveal at the end what happened. Yeah. Yeah. You. Well, I don't know. I mean, is it there? Maybe this is the new way. Avant-garde. Way. Everyone dies in the first four minutes. Yeah, everybody dies. It's like The Walking Dead. It's like the Jonestown version of the murder mystery. Yeah. Jonestown mystery party. We can market that. Yeah. Be careful when you're drinking. Anyone for cooling? Rob, how are you? I'm all right. Hello. You're on Steve's side. I am on Steve's side. Are you excited? Yes, I am excited. It's going to be a lot of fun. On a scale of 6 to 14, how excited? Probably 12, 12 and a half. Yeah. 12 and three quarters. That kind of level. It's realistic. Good stuff. Okay, I'm sure you two have a team name.
You haven't just read off an item in this room. What is your team name? We are the complete works of Charlotte and Emily Bronte. Yeah. We've gone double Bronte. Tell us about what that name symbolises in terms of the quiz. We've dressed up as the Bronte sisters. I can see that. Nice hat. I'm a big fan of her bonnet. So is Charlie with her broken... I'm sure there was a broken down car joke there, but I haven't got the energy anymore. It's a bonnet. It's a double meaning of bonnet, isn't it? Oh, yeah. We shouldn't do six in a day. I think that's true of anything. It's a double meaning of six in a day. Right. I mentioned that there's something a bit special going on. There's something not quite right in Matthew Corner.
There's either two Matthews or perhaps a Nicholas and a Matthew in Matthew Corner. Hello, people in Matthew Corner. Hello. Hello. We are delighted to be joined by the nation's 100th best pest controller. 113th, please. 113th best. We want to be accurate. Pest controller, Nicholas Barrow. Nicholas, thank you so much for joining us for the final episode of the series. Thank you, Christopher. Finally, you've stumped up the taxi money to get me here in the studio. I felt like you're Annika Rice running around and doing your bidding, but I'm now right here. So, thank you. It's lovely to see the teams. That's great to have you here, Nicholas. You were expecting me to reimburse you for your taxi? Oh, yes.
Well, I mean, obviously, I Ubered here, and Uber only runs in London, so it's quite pricey at this point. That's not him still waiting outside, is it? Yeah, it's Trevor. I just told him to wait. I thought, just keep it going. The boss is paying. Shortage. Okay, we'll send Matthew your invoice. Matthew, how do you feel about having Nicholas in your corner to help you this week? How come he gets a chair and you've still just left me chained over here? You can have a chair when you deserve one. Do you think you deserve one? No. No, exactly. We have been enjoying your questions all series, Nicholas. It's lovely to have you here in person. Thank you very much. Yes, I'm enjoying this one. I've got another question, and I'll be here in person to deliver it. Yeah, lovely stuff. In the meantime, were you happy to help Matthew keep scores?
It's because he's, you know, well... I'll hold a pen, you hold a paper. Together we will get through this. Lovely. We appreciate your help, Nicholas. All right. Well, I think we should do a quiz. And the best way to do a quiz is to start with round one. So we're now going to do round one, which is called Sort It Out.
Sort It Out. Yeah, right. Okay. We have a conundrum or something for our teams to sort out. And here it is. According to Jetsetter.com, what are some tips for long-haul flights? Who would like to start us off? Drink and take pills, unless you're the pilot. Okay. Is that a bad thing for the pilot to do? Surely if it calms the pilot down. Not bad for the pilot, but the passengers. Pilot has a lovely time. Anyone else got any tips for long-haul flying? To take your socks and your shoes off and rest them on any high-up surface you can. Oh. So, like, an overhead locker? There. A tall person's shoulders? Preferably. Okay. On the window. On the wing? With an Instagram shot to be taken. Instagram your shoes and socks? No lack thereof.
All right. Any other thoughts? Long-haul flying? What are your tips? Well, I mean, it's a long time, a lot of time to fill. So I like to have pastimes. And I've recently started gardening on the plane. If you start planting, you can sometimes get a few buds by the time you get down at the other end. What sort of thing have you been growing? Weeds. Yeah? Yeah. As in cannabis? No, no. Just common garden weeds. You can get them anywhere. Right. Weeds, not weed. No. No. I mean, that's very difficult to get through the airport. I have tried. All the hydroponic system and the UV lights. But dandelions, they're fine. Nice. Lovely tip. Lovely tip. I would be very surprised if that's not on the list. Rob, any thoughts? Are you a frequent flyer?
I have flown. Yeah. I don't mean to brag. Yeah. Not in a plane. I have been, you know, just clutching onto the undercarriage as it takes off. Your plane's undercarriage. Well, both. You know, when you do it naked, you've got to be prepared. One hand on each undercarriage. So, I like to start off a long haul flight with a nice sort of big pot of really nice seafood, like garlicky seafood.
Then I might open up, like, something like those, that fish that you can get in Iceland that's been fermented for five years. Yes. Yeah, just open up one of them. And then everyone just sort of passes out. So, you've got a really nice flight after that because there's no screaming children because they've all died. There's no screaming adults because after the initial, oh my god, there's a horrible fish smell. Yeah. They all pass out as well. And how do they feel about the death of their children? It's surprising how often infanticide comes up on this quiz. If I may inject with the truth for a second. Oh, hello. That unwieldy behemoth, the truth. Yeah, we have no time. I thought we locked it out.
They don't let that smelly Icelandic fish on planes because it will blow up. Why? The pressure? The pressure is too dangerous. Will other fish blow up or is it specifically that fish? I think it's just that smelly Icelandic canned fish because there's all sorts of pressure it's under. You have to open it underwater and stuff, don't you? Because it's so rancid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the pressure on it is... So, given that you're not allowed to take it on, I bet somebody has tried to smug. You just knuckle it on by popping it up their bottom. Yeah, yeah. Which is not going to go well. It was a tight fit. Did it explode? It didn't explode in my bottom, no. I managed to get it just out. It was like a Bond film. It was like last second stuff, you know. You're sweating. You're in that little toilet cubicle. Yeah. And there's someone knocking at the door going, I know you're getting the fish out of your arse, Rob.
Anything else before we go over to Matthew and find out if anyone has got any points at all? I always like to... I mean, I always like to try to just turn to the person next to me and bond with them right at the beginning of the flight by just telling them the worst thing I've ever done. Which is... And I feel that breaks the ice. I save it for planes. I blew up a plane once. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a serial hijacker. Yeah, so they can tell me anything. Hijacking a plane is still not as bad as taking off your shoes and socks, quite frankly. I think that that's more offensive. I do worry about the thrombosis thing. So I like to get up and walk around every so often, open a window. Yeah. Let's go over to Matthew Corner, where Nicholas and Matthew are waiting to update us on whether anyone scored any points. We do definitely have some points scored here, for some reason.
We've got points for Rob talking about his undercarriage, because it does say take the smallest personal item you can. So we felt that that fitted. Robbie mentioned drinking water. Well, drinking booze. Drinking, and there's water in it. So this says hydrate, and therefore that is fine. And Nicholas, you thought that one made sense. Yeah, Steve was saying, be friendly and respectful to your seat mates. I mean, enforcing a lot of fear and terror is usually the thing to get them really, you know, they won't move from that seat. You know, they will want to stay away from you as much as possible. So commend there. Can we double points? Is that such a thing? It is, but I don't do it. Double, well, Nicholas is double points.
One Matthew point and one Nicholas point. You can exchange them for Matthew points later on. Terms and conditions do apply. So overall, that leaves three on the complete works of Charlotte and Emily Bronte, and one shortbread round. Lovely stuff. Thank you, you two. How are you two getting on? Do you think you're making a new friend, Matthew? Well, it's still early days. We'll see. They haven't changed me to the wall yet, so it's looking good. Yeah. Yeah, friends is a strong word. But, you know, it's just lovely to see the hub. But this is where it's really going on, over here in the corner here. Mine, over that side, though, that's where the feces is. I wonder what that was. I thought it was a catch. Right. Yes. I'm enjoying this. This is good fun.
So thank you. No, thank you, Nicholas. Back to the studio. You are in the studio. Sorry. It's a habit. All right. We're going to move on to the next round, which is a round called Sparrows Eye View. I didn't make a jingle for this round because I'm slightly incompetent. So we're now all going to perform an improvised jingle for this round called Sparrow's Eye. View, three, two, one. Sparrow, sparrow, sparrow, sparrow, sparrow, sparrow, sparrow, sparrow. Oh no, it's an eagle. Toilet Man. Sparrow.
Nicholas. Oh, that brought a tear to my eye. That was absolutely beautiful. Good. Have you got a question? There's a question for us this week. Just tidy yourself up. Take a moment if you need to. There's no rush. Just compose myself. Right, now this week I'm going to be bringing a certain something to the teams. This week I'm going to be performing a series of mimes but using sound and my voice. And what I'll be doing this week, I need you, Matthew, because this is not a visual medium, I'm going to be using you. You are going to be the listener's eyes. Can you do that for me, Matthew? Certainly I can, Nicholas. Okay, right.
So, each round I will be performing an impression of an animal and it is for the teams to figure out which animal that is. Now, first one up.
He's looking very much in distress.
It's some sort of animal.
He's kind of flailing. I think we need to send him a help, to be honest. Are you getting the rotations of my limbs here? Yeah, you are catching me a little bit, to be honest. Explain to the listeners, please. It's kind of flailing around like some sort of winged creature that's injured. I thought that was a gecko that had fallen into a Dyson hand dryer. I won't say close because it wasn't, but I like your enthusiasm. I think that was an expectant mother and child on One Born Every Minute. No, but hang on for round two. You never know. Oh, okay. A dog being carried off by several pigeons. Ah, no, but I have seen that once.
And just to say, I still have flashbacks to this day. It had an air of the goose that laid the golden egg trying to pass the golden egg whilst also fending off Jack Russell. I mean, that's a great metaphor for mine and Matthew's role within today's show. So, I like that a lot. Now, this first round, the impression that I was doing was the Elizabethan python. So, unfortunately, none of you... You should all have known. Did you not hear the flapping of the gills? Yeah. Yes, so... I did wonder why your gills were flapping. So, no points there. Right, it's round two. Are we ready? And Matthew, are you poised to do a slightly better version than last time? I'll try. You are the listener's eyes. Okay. Yes, that's a responsibility. I am the eyes of the ears.
Yes, you are the eyes of the ears.
Again, there's a... There's a lot of flapping.
It's kind of a... It's kind of a... It's kind of a... It's kind of a... It's kind of a... It's kind of a... I can mostly feel that rather than see it, but thank you for telling me that's what it is. There are legs kicking, there's sort of arms flailing, and a general gyration, which is strangely pleasant. I think whatever it's... Whatever it was, it's done. God help us all. Well, there we go. General gyration, who, of course, got very high up in the sexy army. Any guesses? A kangaroo trying to get into its own pouch. That's a good guess. That's a very good guess. I like it. I like it a lot. I mean, it's kind of meta in its simplicity. So, good call. Anyone else? Was it Florence, but without the machine, and she's stamping on some ants?
No, not this time. But it's a very, very good answer, I feel. You know, she's lost without that machine. It was sort of... It was a bit like the last time I played Pro Evolution Soccer, and I had the controller upside down, and that's basically what the commentator said the whole game. Was it a queen wasp telling her subjects where to go when a hornet comes in, and it was just sheer panic? Oh, someone's watched Blue Planet. No. Right. No, that was an Elizabethan python. I mean, to be honest, you should have got it from the first one. I gave you a massive clue on the first round. Okay. Final one. Are you guys ready for this?
Matthew, are you poised to use your lips as eyes? My... Yeah. Okay. I think. Right. Here we go. Here we go.
Okay.
This is certainly more mammalian than the last one.
Or possibly less mammalian than the last one. Are you getting that different toned voice? I can hear it, but I can't really see your tone.
It's... Again, it's... Oh.
It's... Well, I think it's just got on a motorbike and ridden off. I think that's what the general gist of it. It's either more or less mammalian, if that helps anyone. Definitely not the same amount mammalian. Definitely more or less mammalian. Correct, yes. Okay, good. Any thoughts, teams? I was reminded of the scene in Fantasia, where the T-Rex fights the Stegosaurus, despite them being several hundred million years apart in the timeline. Take that, Disney. Yeah, suck it, Mouse House. I think that was the first draft of the music they were using for that, before they came in and did an orchestral score using Rite of Spring. Good. Take that, Stravinsky. Yeah, take that, you wanker. Shove that in your Parisian riot. Was it any kind of dinosaur? Have we got a dinosaur? No. And to be honest, if you're taking any sort of facts from Disney, you need to take a
long, hard look at yourself. Where do you get your facts from, Nicholas? I mean, it's simple. Have you heard of Google? Yes. I do not use that. Don't trust that. No, I go straight for hearsay, rumours. The band, hearsay, and then the Fleetwood Mac album. Wow, okay. Very good albums. Yeah, it gets me inspiration when I talk to Tony Two Eyes Down at the Greyhounds. He has a lot to say on matters of animals. Is she more reliable than Google? Oh, yes. Yeah, supposedly he invented Bing. All right. Any more guesses? Was it a goat surrounded by some other unrelated goats and they're doing a dance which captures the disappointment that you have when you're in Tesco and there's a bit of a queue? Oh, you've painted a picture in my mind there, Steve.
Oh, I'm sorry about that, Nicholas. That's absolutely lovely. That's brought a tear to my eyes. That's absolutely lovely. No, it wasn't either of that. So you're absolutely wrong. No points. Mark that down, Matthew. And it's unusual for me to enter into the quiz, but I think it was the Elizabethan Python. But, yeah, Christopher, the arrogance of you to dot in and to try and get it here. You're absolutely wrong. It was two Elizabethan Pythons. Thank you. There was a difference in the timbre. Lovely. Thank you, Nick. Do people call you Nick? No. No, no one's ever called me that. Thank you. Please, Nicholas, let's not have to do pleasantries, Christopher. I haven't liked you on MySpace. Do you fancy a pint later? No, I do not. Thank you, Christopher. Okay. You can just simply, I'll add it to my invoice, and it's as if you paid the same amount of money,
but you're going straight into my bank account. Thank you. And I do not have to have any social interaction after this with yourself. Can I leave you a little message in the reference? No, no, please don't. Keep it absolute. I mean, to be honest, if you've got an accountant, just get him or her to send it to me. Well, thank you, Nicholas. That was a wonderful round. Lovely to have you here in the studio in person. Okay, so points were probably scored there, but I think we should, like, not get hung up on points. Let's just move on with our lives.
Okay, the next round is called What the What the Fuck? Teams, you can answer at will. Fire at will with your quiz bullets. The first question is, North Carolina homeowner Thomas Millam awoke in the middle of the night to sounds coming from downstairs. He woke his wife and they hid in a closet quietly. This question is so long. He woke his wife and they hid in a closet and quietly called 911 to alert them of the intruder. When police arrived, what did they discover? Rob. That South Carolina had risen up and taken over North Carolina and now there's only one Carolina, but they don't call it Carolina. They call it Sweet Caroline. Whoa, whoa, whoa. He's my hype man. That's what that was. We're starting a rap track.
Okay, that's good, but not correct. Steve. Did the police get there and they found the husband and wife hiding in the cupboard and the whole of the rest of the house had been stolen? No. I like that image though. I like that. It's just a cupboard in the middle of a... Upstairs. Well, there's no walls or anything. Yeah, just in the air. Stole the whole house, just left the cupboard. The intruder was in fact their Roomba robot vacuum cleaner they'd bought two days earlier but forgotten that they'd owned. Yeah, but I've seen iRobot. You can't trust those things. Right. They'll rise up with bad CGI. Right. Will Smith will say, oh, hell no. When they got interviewed by the local TV news, Milham said he'd do the same thing again as it was better to be safe than sorry. What a twat. Question two.
Why was retired English teacher Geoffrey Churchwell fined $365 by Wisconsin Sheriff's Department? Steve. Too many people in the world getting punctuation wrong. Someone needs to be held responsible. It's true, but wrong. Actually, I don't care about punctuation. I'm one of those people that think we should just get rid of it all. You look like you're about to buzz. Full stop. Is there no full stop there? No. He doesn't really get punctuation. Yeah, I was waiting for the sentence to carry on. Honestly, yes. You look in a pre-buzz state. Actually, is the number 365 significant? Is it like a dollar for every day of the year? I mean, I don't think so. Then that's my line of questioning. Finished. Thank you. I rest my case. Anyone else want to have a guess?
What did this guy do? Charlie. Did he call himself, air quotes, an English teacher, but actually taught French? No, no. A heinous crime. Is that what you do? I do teach French. What do you call yourself? Teacher. A teacher. And what are you? A teacher. Air quotes. Rob? Did he pronounce it Wisconsin? I don't think so. I don't have that information.
Did they fine him for not carrying a gun? No. They, in fact, arrested him for defecating in a public park and fined him £365. When pulled over, he told officers that he'd let thrill-seeking, self-indulgent pride and ego get the better of him. If that's the most exciting thing he can think to do, then he released a rumour into someone's house. He showed considerable remorse, but admitted that he'd been pooping in public places for over 12 months. Okay. Why would you do that? Oh, you've arrested me for this one, but I was the phantom pooper in all these other cases. You haven't solved, officers. What do you mean 10 years? I could take you to the evidence, if you like. It's still there.
It probably was. 365 poos. He's done over a whole... It was done over 12 months. He's very regular. Once a day. Maybe give Robbie a point for that. Yes, you've argued well for the opposing team. Oh, damn it. You'd definitely give Robbie a point.
So it's a dollar a poop in Wisconsin. Yeah. That's the type. Well, presided he... Well, only if he did one a day. I don't think he might have been more... No, but if he did... I'm assuming if he did one a day. Maybe he did. Because he's very regular. That's what we've already discussed. Maybe he did two a day. Maybe he's even... So it's 50 cents. People have different metabolisms. 50 cents was pooping in a public car. This is how rumours start. No, that was... 50 cents was on Fleetwood Mac's rumours.
You can go your own way, motherfucker. Oh, that would be an amazing album. Okay. Right. Next round used to be called Matthew Corner. I think now it's probably called Nicholas and Matthew Corner. But let's see. I'm Dr. Tommy Givens. My area of expertise is Matthew. Matthew is intimate. Matthew is exotic. Matthew is mundane. Matthew is familiar. Matthew is stubborn at times or difficult. I have come to abolish Matthew. Matthew, how are you doing in your corner? I'm doing wonderfully, thank you, Chris. Yeah. All right. I'm just chilling. It seems very serene there.
It seems almost has a post-coital energy about it over there. Well, that's just weird. I wouldn't engage in that at work, as you should know. No. I used to feel that this small... No, I mean, you've been playing coits. Have you been playing coits? No, no, not at all. I'm still chained to the wall, remember? Uh-oh. I used to feel that this space was somewhat crowded, yet somehow it doesn't feel that bad with another person in there. It's okay. I've slotted right in. I mean, it's absolutely lovely. It's a home from home. Is he making you feel welcome, Nicholas? Yeah. I mean, he's offered me to look at a glass of water. This round is a lot simpler than some others due to a complaint that I received. So I just want you to name some cheeses, and if you can guess the cheese that I've got on the piece of paper, you get a point. So just...
Sorry, I was braced for about seven minutes of explanation. Is that it? Yeah, it's called list some cheeses. Wow, in the last episode of the series, you've got your shit together. Well done, mate. So, yeah. But what I should also add is you don't get a point, and so we don't end the round until you guess the cheese that I've got on the list. So you're thinking of one very specific cheese? Yeah, and there are thousands of types of cheese. Oh, my God. All right. How does it work? Who goes first? Anyone can just go first, as inspiration takes hold. Do we name one cheese at a time, or can we kind of just filibuster with cheeses? I think, to be fair, one cheese at a time would... Okay. I would like to go with Gouda. No. Mild Cheddar. You don't need to buzz. I like the noise it makes. Okay. Red Leicester. Brie. We could be here a while.
Camembert. No. Edam. No. Roquefort. No. Stinking Bishop. You might have just speeded this up a bit. Bavarian Smoked. All Blue Cheeses. Honky Pope. Yagsburg. Primula Cheese Spread. Double Gloucester. Wild Bill Hiccup. Derry Lee. Philadelphia. Edam. Three Long Hours Later. Goat's cheese. Tasty cheese. Vegan cheese. String cheese. Vi's lacquer. Yes. Oh. Yes. Charlie Wins. Wow. What? Oh my God. What do you mean? Extraordinary. Excellent. We were only here three hours. You said this was going to take all day. Can I ask a question? Yes. What the fuck is Vi's lacquer? It's a white rinded beer cheese from Gemma. Beer? Made from beer? I don't know if it's made from beer. You drink it with beer.
You drink beer from it. You can eat cheese with any beer. Well, why is it called a beer cheese then? Good question. You know what? I didn't think to ask. You wrote the round. Let's all move on. Don't talk to him. You'll just encourage him.
Question. OK. All right. The final round of the entire series is upon us. Matthew, is there any excitement left in this dead horse thing? That suggests that there was once excitement. Yes. But in terms of the scores, there are only two points in it. One of the teams is therefore two points ahead of the other. Would you say it's all to play for? Might as well be. Nicholas, are you excited? Oh, I certainly am. I mean, this is the absolute climax to what's it been now? Six weeks of questions. Come on, team. You know, get going. Let's pull this one out of the bag. All right. On the buzzers for the final round. Question one. What did Frenchman Nysseforn... Oh, fuck. I can't pronounce words. I don't think I've ever seen those letters next to each other like that.
Nysseforn Nips? Never. Oh, dear. Nysseforn Nips? Nips. Nips. Nips. Nips. Nips. OK. It's a name. It's just... Just say it confidently. What did this French lad do? Yeah. Nicky Nips. Nysseforn Nips. Oh, Nicky Nips. Nips. OK. Question one. What did Frenchman Nysseforn Nips do in 1807? Rob. One. He can do one. No, that's not that. Steve. 1807. That's when his dinner was due to come out of the oven, so he ate it. No. Charlie. Was that time for his once-per-decade bath? No, it was not. Robbie. He stormed the Bastille, but too late. No. He invented the internal combustion engine. Question two.
What did Frenchman Nysseforn Nips do in 1825? Charlie. Die of smoke inhalation from his engine. No. Steve. He blew himself up. No. Rob. Looked into the middle distance and went, huh? Quite possibly, can't deny it. Have a point, Steve. That was when he had his pudding. No, he did, in fact. He did, in fact. Oh. Rob. He invented the external combustion engine, which turned out to just be a fireworks display. No. He, in fact, took the world's first known photograph. So, you know, he did quite a lot of that. There's a bit of a gap, though, between those two things. What was he doing for the rest of it? Have you done that? What a lazy git. What have you done? What gram filter did he use?
If you cut down a pope in the woods, but there's no one to witness it, what happens? Rob. A bear shits on you. Okay, good. Have a point.
Steve. You create a certain colour of smoke. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Have a point. Robbie. You have to become the pope and take his place and live his life and never see your own family again. It's true. Have a point. Charlie, would you like to say something? Get a free point. You would steal his hat and have a wonderful life. Yes. Have a point. Question four. Why did the Paley Paley family of Philadelphia purchase the TV network CBS in 1928? Charlie. Because they just got Paley Paley.
Nice. Have a point, but no. Rob. Two for one offer in January sales. No. Steve. Because they were called Paley Paley because they were very perceptible to the sun and they had to stay inside and watch television. Vampire TV network. Yeah. It was in fact to sell their brand of cigars. That's why they bought it. Question five. Who is this? Will you marry me? Who do you think that was? Rob. Prince Harry. No. Steve. Hugh Grant. No. Rob. My third wife. No. Who was it, Matthew? It was Sir Ian McKellen proposing to Sir Patrick Stewart. Oh, that's lovely. It happened. In what game is it? Did it? Oh.
In what game is the highest ever score 43,336,440? Charlie. Idiot Win Podcast Series 1. Quite possibly. I can't remember. Have a point. Rob. Golf. It was a really bad round. Oh, yeah. He was in that bunker for years. Some seats still there now. Death Tetris. No.
Rob. What was the number? 43,336,440. That was my Yahtzee score. It was, in fact, Asteroids. Name this song.
Robbie. It wasn't me. Yes, by... Shaggy. And for an extra bonus point, Shaggy featuring... Rick Rock. Rick Rock. Yeah, point to Rob. Rick Rock. Where did I pull that from? Question 8. What was the most common metal in the Earth's crust? What a shit question. Rob. Death Metal. No. But, like, cheap garage band Death Metal on SoundCloud. I went to homemade SoundCloud Death Metal. No, I wish. It is, in fact, aluminium. 8.23%. And the final question of the series. What was originally called Bib Laval Lithuated Lemon Lime Soda? Steve. That was me. I don't know.
It's a long birth certificate. It might be true. Robbie. The sitcom Friends. No. Charlie. QI. No. Rob. Luke is 8. It's 7 up. I can't believe I was genuinely close. And with that, we go. How embarrassing. Oh, that's worse than being far away. With that exciting climax. I don't know. I've had an exciting climax. Describe it to Matthew Corner and get the final scores from Nicholas and Matthew. Well, due to our two-person writing technique, it is a bit of a mess working out who scored what. I think we can... Do you need to roll the dice? Carry the four. Yeah. We can probably just about read it, but it would appear that the complete works of Charlotte
and Emily Bronte have 10, and Shortbread Rounds have 11. Oh, well done, Shortbread Rounds. Well done, I knew it. Always back to you from the start. Well done, Shortbread Rounds. Thank you to everybody who's been listening to us this series. Thank you for our panellists all the way through the series, but particularly to Steve Keyworth, Charlotte Gardner, Robbie Sunderland, Rob Page, to Matthew of Matthew Corner, who doesn't have a surname, to Nicholas Sparrow for all of your questions throughout the series, but particularly for joining us here today. Any final thoughts, Nicholas? Yes. Do you have a wet wipe? I've just stroked Matthew's catch. Thanks for listening. We will be back with another series, but until then, you know, just do what you normally do. See ya.
If you can spare us a few quid, we'd love that. You can support this show at idiotwindpodcast.com. Thanks to Dogface Improv and Slow Theatre Company. The show was exec produced by Amy Wumersley and Renée LaRue. The theme song is Yes I Do by the Melvins. Check out the Idiot Wind Facebook page for live streamed shows during the apocalypse. And we'll be back with series 4 as soon as we can. Ah ha yee ha baby. Podface!
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