Transcript
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Hello there, it's Chris Reid here, host of the popular panel show podcast Idiot Wind. We were supposed to be recording series 4 of Idiot Wind, the popular panel show podcast, but we've gone into lockdown to hide from a virus, so we thought we'd do some apocalypse episodes. Instead, if you'd like to watch them, yeah, we are also live streaming and they're on Saturdays at 2 o'clock UK time in the afternoon. Check out the Idiot Wind Facebook page or go to idiotwindpodcast.com for all of the information. There is a new way to support the podcast as well. If you enjoy the show and want us to carry on making them, then please consider chucking us a quid or two. You can do that at ko-fi.com forward slash idiotwind.
That's ko-fi.com forward slash idiotwind or check out idiotwindpodcast.com. We hope that you're having a reasonable apocalypse and staying well. Please do stay indoors and wash everything constantly.
It's Idiot Wind! Woo! Yes! Yes, yes, yes! Welcome! Welcome, welcome once more to here, where we are, which is the internet. This is where we live now. Hang on, there's something else that's playing. Oh, my God, it's very nice.
Welcome to Idiot Wind, the panel show podcast made for idiots by idiots. We weren't able to record our normal podcast series as we normally do, so we thought instead we would gather around the microphones, gather around our computers and bring you the apocalypse specials live from our home. Well, from our homes. We don't all live together in a weird sex cult. Not yet. Two of us do. Anyway. Speaking of weird and sexy things, let's meet our team captains. First is the delightful Danny O'Hara. Danny, how are you? I'm good. Thank you. Hello. Lovely to see you. Thank you for joining us today. What have you been up to since we last saw you? Well, I have been on a travel. Yeah? Yeah. That's illegal. Yeah. Yeah. Don't tell anyone, but I did.
I did an illegal travel. Where did you go? Well, I went down the street. Right. I think that you're allowed to do that. No, this was not a walk. This was not a walk. This was a travel. I packed a backpack and I took myself on a travel. How long were you away for? Oh, about 25 minutes. But you know, the thing is, I experienced a lot in that. Well, we look forward to hearing some of those stories of your travels later on. Facing off against you as is becoming a regular, what's the word? As is becoming a pattern on the Apocalypse episode is Mark Wamsley. Mark, hello. Hello. How are you? I'm okay. Thank you. Good.
I've just, I've been worrying about one of my testicles. Okay. Which one? Bobby or Ian? Well, there's only Bobby. Ian, we lost Ian a few years back. God rest his soul. I remember the funeral. And he'll always live on in our hearts. No. That's not where he wanted to be though, is it? Well, give us an update on Bobby later. Joining us also is somebody making their Idiot Wind debut. Very exciting to have him with us today. And on Danny O'Hara's team is Mr. Chris Adlam. Chris. Hello. Hello. I can, I, I, hey you. I, my technology is functioning within reasonable parameters. Yeah, we had an exciting time trying to get your sound to work, but we got there in the end and here you are. From your delightful residence, lovely, just looking around you, is that a, yes, there's a bagpuss, there's a cushion.
There's a unicorn, there's a cat, there's, there's, there's, there's, there's many cushions. We like cushions here. Yeah, nice. Um, you have a chandelier as well. This is very fancy. Do you live in a stately home? Um, yes. I won it off a game, uh, won it from an elderly gentleman in a game of cards. Um, I had a terrible hand, but then I stabbed him.
And now I have this. Lovely. Well, thank you. We look forward to hearing more about your escapades later. And on facing off against Danny and Chris is the, uh, splendid Charlie Gardner. Hello, Charlie. Yeah. How have you been? Lovely to have you back. You're, you made your debut last season. Lovely to have you back. How have you been in the intervening time? Have things been fun? Things been fun. I've taken up running. Have you really? I actually have because I need to leave the house. How's that going? Um. Are you going to do like a marathon? Absolutely not. Don't get all weird and too thin and ill, will you? No. I think I would just leave the house on occasion in a non-legal fashion. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's good. I think we need to all be getting our daily exercise and staying within the law and washing everything all of the time.
How many times have you washed your hands today, please? Um, see, I'm a bit of a maverick, so none. What? I'm joking. Just been rubbing coronavirus into your eyes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, thank you, Charlie. It's lovely to have you here. Clean or otherwise, we appreciate your presence. That's our teams. We'll go back and get their team names off in a minute. Uh, let's take our first trip of the day to my special place. I like it. It's got a Matthew in it. It's called Matthew Corner. Hello, Matthew. Hello, Chris. How's, how's the corner today? Uh, it's not too bad. Um, somebody, when I was getting my exercise in the other part of the corner, somebody did get within two meters of me. Well, what did you do? Well, um, incidents happened. Right. Well. But they won't be doing it again, so.
No. And I'm, I'm up one hand. Yay. I mean, in these troubled times, we've got to stockpile everything that we possibly can. Yeah, exactly. And I'm, I'm a hand above everyone else right now. Any predictions for today's episode? Uh, I reckon there will be a few rounds that will make us wish we weren't playing a podcast. Yeah. Yeah. And somebody might win if I can be bothered to keep school. Yeah. Lovely. Well, thank you for, as ever, your, uh, ringing endorsement and your passion and enthusiasm, uh, for this format. Let's move on before Matthew gets too excited to that, which we call round one. Sort it out. Round one is called sorted out. Our teams are going to be given some kind of a conundrum, a problem, an issue to sort out.
Um, and that's pretty, that's pretty much it. So the question for you this week, teams is according to checklist.com, what are the essential steps to ensuring you have a good cheese party? Okay. So this is a, this is an important issue faced by a lot of people in society, uh, today. We'll start with you, um, Mark. And I've done exactly what I did last time and failed to get team names before we've started round one. So before you answer Mark and, uh, Charlie, let's have your team name. Well, if it's okay with Charlie, we'll be called Charlie and Mark. I'm by me. I can't believe this is episode 22, I think. And nobody has done that yet. Thank you for making mine and Matthew's life much easier. Uh, Danny and Chris, what's your team name?
Yeah, we actually took some time, um, to what we've done. No one's ever done that either. Many scheduled meetings, PowerPoints, many email exchanges. And actually what we said was we would actually just say what came out of our head right at this moment. So we're just going to say exactly what came out of our mouth. Is it going to be one word each? No, it's going to be the same time. So I'm just putting my thinking caps on and I'm going to say one, two, three. Purple.
Thunder.
Excellent. Purple Thunder. Seamless. Yeah. Purple Thunder is the follow-up Prince album to Purple Rain. It just got a little bit worse. Well, it did get worse. He died. Um, all right. Thank you. Purple Thunder bus is Charlie and Mark. Charlie and Mark. Not Mark and Charlie. Oh my God. They gave the most simple team name in the world and I still managed to get it wrong. All right. Starting with Mark and Charlie.
Starting with Charlie and Mark. According to checklist.com, what are the essential steps, steps to ensuring you have a good cheese party? Well, you, you, if you expand on the cheese subject, obviously lots of jokes that, uh, that's what we're looking for.
You don't have to show you're working that dad jokes, like cheesy jokes. Um, and, and, and luckily someone on the opposite team has been doing those on a daily basis recently to get some really, some great cheese from them. Ah, yes. You promoting Chris Adams joke of the day. Well, it needs all the promotion you can get. I've been trying to tentatively call it a joke of the day. Um, um, any other thoughts? I don't know, Charlie. Um, I think you definitely need to be playing some kind of R and Brie kind of music to really make it successful.
Um, I tend to have a statue of Piers Morgan by every door illegally listening in, um, and then giving me the Gouda gossip, um, at the end of the day. Do you know what? I didn't think that this round would degenerate into cheese puns. What was I thinking? It's all I've got. Yeah. I mean, you know, they've all gone already. Um, okay. All right. So let's go. You think this is, you think, you don't think this is fun, do you?
Oh, shit. Um, all right. Purple Thunder. Any thoughts on how you can ensure that you have a good cheese party? Well, I mean, I'm not going to lie. I took this quite seriously and I just, uh, I'll go back to my roots and I think personally, everybody should have a paper hat. One should have the clown and a bouncy castle. Um, I'm all for the traditional party bag and you know, um, we should play oranges and lemons. So, uh, I'm, call me traditionalist, but that's what I want. Is that a traditional cheese party? Have you, how many cheese parties have you been to, Dani? Well, I mean, that would be zero, but like I've been to parties and I assume that they all run in the same lines. Like all the parties I go to still now is. Have a bouncy castle.
And a party bag and a paper hat and play oranges and lemons. Do you think that you should start going to adult parties at some point? I'm trying to avoid, I mean, no, why? No, no, it's absolutely fine. Um, Chris, uh, any thoughts on how you can ensure you have a successful cheese party? Um, I'd make sure that adequate rodent prevention measures have been put in place beforehand because otherwise you're going to have serious issues. But I mean, to build upon what Dani said, I think, I think to me, the cheesiest place growing up was Haven Holiday Park in K-Stuff. Nowhere else, no other holiday parks, purely that particular park. That specific one. Have you got fond memories? Yeah, fondue memories. Um, and I'm looking to, I'm looking to go there and I want to be greeted by three really,
uh, like cheesy and chirpy people in bright yellow t-shirts called Brittany, Daisy and Mikey. I want to hear S Club 7. I want to hear Queen, uh, Abba, like loving Brie, loving you. Thank you. And you know, I, I, I want us to be, to celebrate our cheesiness. I want, you know, like I said, hats, like Dani says. And I just want everything to be so, so cheesy. It's a little bit awkward. Ultimate cheese. Okay. Thank you very much, Chris. Anybody, um, could I, could I, could I, yeah. I think it's important that you also have some security, like a couple of, a couple of large onions sort of bouncers that, and then if anyone tries to eat too much cheese, they can say that's shallot.
Any other final thoughts before we head over to Matthew Corner to see if any of this translates into points? We need something for those non-cheese eaters. Like the baby. Like the baby. Yeah, like a baby. I mean, I can only think, the only non-cheese thing I can think of is ham. So we should just have a ham platter present at all of these parties for, for babies. Sorry for babies. Nice. Nice. Ham for babies. Everyone else, uh, cheese. Uh, I think, I think that that's a lot of good answers. Let's go over to Matthew Corner and see if anyone managed to score any points. There was almost a point. Oh. As in. Almost one point. There was a brief moment where Chris briefly got onto the topic of a, of anywhere near cheese parties as opposed to puns.
Um, I mean, it mentions, um, getting an appropriate wines to go with your cheese. Yeah. Ham and wine and ham are two different. Uh, so I can't allocate a point to that. And I, can I confess to something, Matthew? Um, there were 20 points and I took 10 out because I know that you don't, didn't want to confuse you and I only left 10 in one of them that I took out was by a selection of appropriate meats. So I don't know if you can take my word for it. This is, this is complex territory that we've not been into before. On that list, a bouncy castle paper hat and a paper, bloody oranges and lemons doesn't occur anywhere. Favorite chism? No. No, there's not. Um, there's go shopping for wine and cheese, which is a pretty good bit of advice for a cheese party. Yeah.
This is why I go to kids' parties. My personal favourite is provide lots of cute cocktail napkins. Yeah. Not just any cocktail napkins, it's got to be cute ones. No one, no one suggested cute cocktail napkins. With pictures of Matt's face on them. In an attempt to give some sort of points, as the cat has just jumped all over my score sheet, I have decided to allocate points based on the number of cheese puns, which means at the end of round one, Purple Thunder are on minus two and Charlie and Mark are on minus five. Yes. Let's move on. It's the wheel of things. Yes, round two is the wheel of things. Matthew. So for this week, I have come up with a clever idea. I just need to detach the cat from me.
Um, the, uh, the spare hands that I now have, uh, is going to guide this round. There are things on a screen just behind the webcam there, and it's pointing to them. And I'm just going to, you know, go with it and feel what it goes for. Okay. Uh, I wish I had some spooky music. This is really good. Ooh. Uh, minute adjust. Oh, it's minute adjust. I love minute adjust. Um, so in tribute to the recently departed departed, the recently deceased, the dead, he's dead. Nicholas Parsons is dead. And I'm sad about that because I just admit it was one of my favorite things possibly is
something that is, it was, is, has led to this heap of nonsense, um, existing. Uh, and so as a tribute to, to Nicholas Parsons, who presented just a minute for all of those years, we're going to play the idiot wind version of just a minute, which is called minute adjust. Now, those of you who, uh, no, the, um, panelists had to try and talk for a minute on a subject of the host choosing without deviating, repeating, or hesitating. So that we're going to play it backwards. Uh, we're going to play a minute adjust and panelists, you must talk, try and talk for a minute, only hesitating, repeating, or deviating. The rest of you can buzz in if you don't think there's enough of any of that going on. And if you get a successful challenge, you will take over the subject for the rest of the time.
Um, what we need from all four of you is some kind of buzzing sound, uh, so that we can identify who is buzzed in. So, uh, Mark, could we have your buzzer sound for this episode, please? Lovely. Danny? Purple rain! Lovely. Charlie?
Beautiful. Chris? Cowabunga! So those are your buzzers. Danny, you're going to start us off, um, panelists, remember you can try and buzz, and if she's not, deviating, repeating, or hesitating enough and try and steal the subject. Danny, your subject is holidays. Tell us about holidays. Matthew, do you have a minute on your big clock? I have a minute on a reasonably sized clock today. Okay, that will have to suffice. Danny, when you're ready, off you go. I really like to work, like, really hard. Cowabunga! Chris? There was no deviation, she went straight in there. Well, I don't think we... You're on the same team. You're on my team, you clocked up! I'm just following the rules. Yeah, yeah, yeah, in this round, it's in division, it doesn't really matter.
Um, I don't think we heard enough from Danny to know whether she was going to deviate or not, so we'll, we'll, we'll, we'll just go back. At that moment, I feel like she had deviated, because she hadn't completed more than three, two words. Um, Danny, still with you, and Danny, you get a bonus point for being so rudely interrupted. And, over you go. Oh, well, so I, so I, so I, so I work hard, hard, hard, hard, hard. I think you should bury a sausage in a garden, garden, garden, in the garden sausage. And yeah, lumberjacks used to be a thing. Lumberjack, Jack lumbered all over, all over.
Basketball is not netball. Okay, so netball. Mark. I don't, I think basketball and netball are very similar. So, I don't think that was a big enough deviation. It wasn't. Also, there was a distinct lack of hesitation there. We might have had repetition and deviation. All right. The subject is with you, Mark. You get a point for a successful challenge. You have 27 seconds remaining and your time starts now. Well, um, what, uh, laptop and, um, size of things that don't really matter. Cowabunga. Chris.
Mark is being himself. Yep, that's not enough, that's not enough of a deviation. Uh, you're absolutely correct. Chris, you get a point for a exceptional challenge and the time's with you and you have? Seven seconds. Seven seconds remaining on the subject of holidays. Off we go. Vaseline on ghosts, be ghosts by Vaseline. And, and the time is up. Yeah, well done. Chris A was speaking. Everyone was surprised because we, no one had heard that sound before. Um, and I hadn't remembered that that's what Matthew's going to do. Um, Chris gets a point for speaking as the bell was sounded by the palm of Matthew. Um, all right. We move on to another, Oana.
Charlie's going to start us off, uh, with this one. Your subject is wallpaper. Please try and hesitate, deviate and repeat for a minute if you possibly can. Your time starts now. Um, painting can be, you know, on trees and trees. Danny, challenge from Danny. Paintings, very similar to painting and decorating, decorating wallpaper. It's not that deviated. So I'll give you that. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, Danny. We'll give you a point for a successful challenge. You have 54 seconds remaining. Matthew's hooter went off as he said seconds there. I'm not quite sure why. It got excited. It's just out of shot, isn't it?
Um, Danny, 54 seconds on the subject of wallpaper. Off you go. Sycamore leaves, leaves, hmm. Leaving is a distortful trust into the universe, hmm. Universe, like beyond control, ah, beyond, hmm. Clouds, misty, silence, silence, ah. Mark? Um, she's obviously on something. Yes, we will do, um, some random drugs. Which is just like her. Yeah, we'll do some drug testing, uh, after this round just to see. But just, well, I mean, it's a clean sport, idiot, Wend. We have no time for doping or drug cheats.
I have suspicions that you, when you popped into the bathroom, you had a blood transfusion. So, uh, I'm going to give, uh, Mark the point and has the subject and Andy has 30 seconds remaining on the subject of wallpaper. Off you go, Mark. Shelves and buckets and buckets and buckets and, uh. Purple rain? Danny has challenged. Well, he uses a bucket to decorate. Yeah, and shelves is quite close as well. Also, something that goes on the wall. Yeah, I will give you that. Despite. Not if you've, not if you've only got bare walls. It is a good point. What are you carrying your wallpaper mixture in? Probably buckets. Um, okay. So, despite, uh, despite being a drug cheat, we are going to let you, uh, back in to compete.
Danny gets a point for a successful challenge and you have. 22 seconds remaining on wallpaper. Off you go. Seedlings. Um, sperm. Um, sperm. Mark. Wallpaper paste and sperm. Yeah, good challenge. Mark gets a point for a successful sperm wallpaper paste challenge and the subject is with you. You have. 14 seconds remaining on wallpaper and your time starts now. Boris Johnson envelopes. Cowabunga. Chris has challenged. Um, Mark has revealed my secret pet names between us live on the internet. So, I feel that that's not appropriate. That's just bad form.
Um, whilst not a challenge within the rules of the game, it is, uh, important to dock Mark a point for that behaviour. Chris will award you, will award you the subject. And you have. 10 seconds. Off you go.
Spirits in the air. Spirits in the air are like spirits under the air, but over the decking. Decking. That's who's has gone off. And yeah, again, for the second time, Chris A was speaking as the whistle went and gains an extra point. Oh, well done, everyone. That was, um, that was a cracking round. Danny, I think, I feel like we've found your, your medium, your forte. Yeah. Really? Lots of nonsense. Lots of nonsense that makes no sense and has lots of gaps in it. Is that what you're trying to say to me? Yes, you, uh, it's, you're a natural. Oh, right. Um, let's have quickly pop over to Matthew Corner to see what difference that has made to the scores. Well, Mark and Charlie in Charlie and Mark, uh, didn't seem to really care about that one. They're still on minus figures.
They're on minus three. Whereas Purple Thunder have rocketed to four. That's positive four. Hooray! Positive four. Absolutely astonishing. Oh, right. Testing positive.
I probably want to bring that up one thing. Danny, please. Can you bring a cup of your urine to my, uh, dressing room? Thank you.
Yes. Round three is called what the, what the fuck? And this week's what the, what the fuck is all about love. Ah, um, and you, each of you will have a question. Um, I have, I have four questions, one for each of you. Uh, if that person gets the chance to answer first and then it can be thrown over to everybody else. Should they not get it? So we'll start with question one for Charlie. In 2007, Dave Barkley flew 2000 miles to attend his friend's wedding in Wales. What was the problem? His wedding was in Berlin. No. Any other thoughts? The wedding pulled off without them, him knowing. No.
There was a blockage in the blow hole, so he couldn't get into the whale.
Blockage in the blow hole is an excellent band name.
Any other thoughts? Was he a year early? Yes, he was. He was. Mark gets points. Oh my God. Someone's got something right. I don't think this has ever happened before, has it? No one has ever. How many points does that get? Like all of them? 25.
I'll decide at the end. Okay. Chris Adlam, your question. Why did the US government annul the marriage of a 67-year-old Australian in 2004? Because they had a deep hatred of odd numbers, and I think that the odd-numbered kind, as they are, should have to wait a year. Like everyone else, we should only be able to get married on even ages. When you're at age. How old are you, Chris? I am 26. Are you proposing to me? Is that what this is?
I mean, I've been waiting for the time, and, you know, a time when absolutely no one else can leave any building, you know, is the time I've obviously been waiting for. I will. Yes, I do. I will. No, that wasn't the correct answer, I'm afraid. Anybody else got any ideas? Was he a year early? Yes! No, no, he wasn't. He wasn't. Anyone else? What was the question again? Why did the United States government annul the marriage of a 67-year-old Australian in 2004? Did this person in question make too many cheese puns? Yes. That's a good answer for knowledge. It's a good answer for divorce. I was to say, no one could spend, you know, an eternity of cheese puns, you know, that's just un-Mantel.
Nice, I was, I mean, that doesn't really work, but it could. I was desperately searching for a cheese pun that would fit this, and I could not find one. So was I. Was the marriage to some but thing that wasn't human? No, I mean, that has come up an idiot win before. More people do marry things like the Berlin Wall or a slice of felt. But not a slice of felt? Oh, jeez. Any other thoughts? No. They weren't really thoughts. What were they? They were just happenings. Rage fantasies. Yes. Okay, no, it was in fact because he'd forgotten that he'd got married 30 years earlier, and that he didn't believe it until they showed him his own signature on the marriage certificate, at which point he said, oh, yeah, I remember meeting a nice blonde, but I'm astonished that we got married.
Question three. This is for you, first of all, Marco, what was particularly special about Beverly Redman agreeing to marry her boyfriend, Keith, in the year 2000? Are you talking, Marcus? We can't hear you. No, I'm thinking out loud in my mouth quite.
It's very confusing. Was it that she was a year early? No. No. Anything else before we pass it over? Any other? No. Was she related to Phil Redman, who created Grange Hill and Brookside? I don't know. And therefore had to come up with some other kind of soap before she was allowed to marry? I don't know. You better have a point just in case. Yes, I would have said so. Any other thoughts? Were they both five years old? No. Were they both midgets in trench coats? And then they only realised on their wedding night when they undid each other's trench coats. So there were two midgets. So four midgets in total? Yes. Right. I see.
No, that's a good answer, but it was not correct in this case. But we thank you for your contribution. Did an Australian man a few years later forget that you married her?
No, it was in fact that her boyfriend, Keith, had proposed to her 8,500 times. Before she said yes. And she finally said yes. Get a job. I mean, yeah, right. I mean. Take the hint. I mean. Keith was persistent, but he got there in the end. But I don't know. If I had had to propose to someone that many times, I think it might take the edge off the whole thing. Also, that does not bode well. That he does not know how, you know, he doesn't know, no. So, you know, oh, in the future when the conversations come up about, oh, honey, do you want to, you know, I don't know, see my brother? No, darling, I don't. 8,000 times later. Yeah. All right, let's just see your fucking brother, you know. Yeah.
I mean, if they got married, surely they should, you know, she should probably meet his brother. Well, I mean, maybe she doesn't want to because it's the point. He's not listening, is he? Well, maybe his brother's, like, just misunderstood. Okay, people look it in and say, he's an alcoholic and he smells none of this, but they don't realise how difficult it's been for him and what he's been through, all right? She knows. She dated him before she married the other guy. And to be fair to the alcoholic brother, he has a brother who asks him 8,000 things each time. Okay, I would turn to the bottle as well if I had to grow up with that kind of sibling. This is why he drinks, okay? She needs to have more compassion. Oh, Beverly Redman, you're an arse. All right, question four. This is for Danny.
What step did Chinese man Liu Yi take to make a statement on his dissatisfaction with reality? Did you get that? I don't understand why you just asked me. Okay, let me break it down. A man, if you're out there, Li, Li, fuck. Should we call him something else, like Jack? A Chinese man. I just call him a Chinese man. What was his surname? Mr. Yi. Right, Mr. Yi. Liu Yi. Mr. Yi.
What step did Mr. Yi take to make a statement on his dissatisfaction with reality? I mean, it's a strange question, even without... With reality? With reality. He was dissatisfied with reality. What statement did he make about that?
This rounds about love, remember. Oh, okay. He... He... He... Oh, golly. He was un... Uh, so he... He? No, Yi. Mr. Yi. Ha. Mr. Yi decided... Announced his love through a vacuum to the outer space that no one goes on beyond. Thanks for that answer, Danny. Uh, anyone else want to have a go? I mean, I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm just saying it's beyond my comprehension to understand what the fuck you were saying. No, it was wrong. Did he propose to the Matrix? He did not propose to the Matrix.
Did he create his own reality, sort of bodging it using household items, such as double back, you know, sticky tape, duct tape, toilet roll? No. The Blue Peter reality. Yeah, he could have ended up making like a Thunderbirds base instead. No, it wasn't that. Danny? He might have created his own loved person, whatever that was for him, like a thing to love. Like a sex doll? Well, it's about love, actually, Reed. Love. A love doll. A love doll. Okay. Same thing, isn't it? In fact, he did a very simple thing. He married himself. Aww. He said the ceremony made him feel whole again, although perhaps in hindsight it was a bit narcissistic.
Well, in the words of RuPaul, if you can't love yourself, how in the hell can you love anybody else? Would you marry yourself, Charlie? No. I'm a horrible human being. Lovely stuff. I'm more curious on the logistics here. So when he was like putting a ring on his fingers, did he like stand on one side, then run and be the person on the other side? Was there even a vicar present? Did he play all three parts, do you reckon? I don't know, but I think the honeymoon was probably like a weekend I had in 1992. Did he feel whole then? Matthew, any scores there of points? It was very one-sided. Charlie and Mark managed to sweep up all the points from that round, which has put them at a nice solid zero. Lovely stuff.
Zero plays, what have the others got? Purple Thunder still have four. Four plays zero. Zero is love in tennis. Yes, it's a very good point. We're very much on message. Extra point there, I think, Matthew? I mean, love is all around us, really. So does it matter, people? Okay, I'll tell you what, let's move on with our lives and do round four. Maybe you've got Matthew, if you didn't bring Matthew, feel free to grab Matthew, Matthew, Matthew, Matthew, Matthew, Matthew, Matthew. What have you got for us this week, mate? Well, since it has been so very cheesy, punny related thus far, I figured we could go for a nice game called To Bree or Not To Bree.
Yes. Now, this is quite simple. I had some cheese and I wanted to know what I could put with the cheese. So I looked up some recipes and they're a bit unusual and I wondered, does cheese go with them? So what I'll do is we'll go round and I'll read out a suggestion for cheese and an item. And you just have to tell me if I've made it up or if it is genuinely something I found on the internet. Okay, lovely stuff. Does that make sense, teams? Yeah. Did you say breed? Breed. Breed. To Bree or Not To Bree? The round is a cheese bun. Not To Bree with Bree. That would be weird. Oh. Is it more weird than marrying yourself? Probably, yeah. Less active than I thought it was. Breeding with Bree reminds me of a weekend I had in 1993. Okay.
If we can start with Chris.
Cheese and cereal. Is that something I've made up or is that genuine? It depends on the cereal. I mean, you know, are you going to go out of the box and go for, you know, a full brand Coco Pop or Cheerio? Or are we going to go something own brand like a Honey Circle or a Choco Loop? Because, I don't know, I wouldn't want to be messing around with anything that's not up to scratch. So, I'm going to say, I'm going to say it's real. I'd eat that. Well, it's a good thing because it is real, especially with plain cereals like Cheerios and Corn Flakes. People like to grate cheddar over it, so I am led to believe. With milk as well. Sounds disgusting. Yeah, with milk.
You make the cereal and then you just grate a bit of cheese over the top. That is all your dairy in one handheld portion. That's brilliant. I've just been sick into my own mouth. In mine. And a little bit into Mark's as well. On that note, Charlie. Hello. Cheese and coffee. Now, is it like a biscuit? Do you dunk it into the coffee? Or is it like a side piece on a platter next to it? It is all in one cup. Oh, no, absolutely, yeah. That's real. Well, that was said with such conviction. It is true, yes. Apparently, it's popular in countries like Korea, Switzerland and Panama, which is all completely different parts of the world. So, I don't know how they got there. Bondu latte. It's cream cheese. So, it's coffee with cream cheese. Oh.
Again, a lot of dairy, as Chris pointed out. That's like a coffee cheesecake in liquid form. Oh. Yeah, if you put your digestive in as well, my God. Is that a euphemism?
Ignore me. I just love the fact that Charlie's biscuits appear to go ding when she taps the side. You know, these must be some really delicate digestives. They're bling digestives. Bling digestives. Dani. Yes. What about a cheese smoothie? What? Just cheese and cheese and cheese. I mean, that's melted cheese, right? To be precise, a fruit smoothie with cheese. You have cheese and grapes, don't you? And cheese and pineapple on a stick if you go to somewhere fancy. I reckon, yeah, why not? Yes, it is an actual thing. Yep. A cheese smoothie. There's loads of recipes on YouTube if you want to look it up. I've been having mine once a day, every day, and I've never felt worse. I've just been a little bit sick in my mouth.
And Mark's. So, Mark. Yes. Cheese, jelly. Well, if you leave cheese long enough in a fridge, it produces its own form of jelly. Or maybe that's just our fridge. But on the law of averages, seeing as all the other three have been true, I'm going to go false. Because it sounds revolting. You are correct. Although, I would like to clarify, I haven't seen it on the internet. It doesn't mean it's not true. I haven't tried to make any. It just sounds disgusting. And you would have got a point either way. Okay. Thank you. Well, there we go. We end with a free point to Mark. Something that Mark particularly enjoys.
Good stuff. That was an exciting round, Matthew. It's one of my favourites. What are the conclusions of that round? Well, because I gave everyone a point, because everyone was right, it was a complete waste of our time. And we have just aged a little bit. And achieved nothing. Good work. So we're moving towards the exciting climax of the whole quiz. There's four points in it, I'm guessing, because everybody got the same amount of points there. So it's all to play for. There's ten points up for grabs in the final round. Thank you if you have watched this live streamed show or indeed if you're listening on the audio podcast. If you'd like to support the podcast and help us to make more, then you can go to ko-fi.com forward slash idiot wind. That's ko-fi.com forward slash idiot wind.
And you can just chuck us a quid if you've got a quid. Or you can send us a million pounds if you'd like as well. Although I don't know if the website will cope with that. So probably just stick to a quid. All right. It's all to play for in the final round. Everybody has their buzzing sounds. Let's just recap our buzzing sounds. Charlie sounds like this. And Mark sounds like this. Chris sounds like this. Cowabunga. All right. Question one. What is unusual about the Wonderworks Museum buildings in America? It's a chain of kids' museums. What's unusual about all of their buildings? Cowabunga. Chris. They are all financially stable.
There is no need for any kinds of loans or travel donations. They turn away too many visitors because they've got plenty of money. Not correct. Mark. Made of cheese. No. The theme for this episode isn't cheese, funnily enough. It's just happened that way. Made of love. Made of love. No, it's also not love. There is no theme. Mark. No. Anyone else? Purple Rain. Danny. They're all inflatable buildings. Like a big, huge, inflatable mountain castle. No.
Mark. Oh, well, the Disney ones are all held up by dwarves. 12 characters. So, I imagine they might be held up by bankers. No, Charlie. All of them. Every single one of them is in Guadalajara. No. I don't know where that is, but also no. Mexico. No. They are, in fact, all upside down. Question two. What seafood dish am I thinking of? Purple Rain. Danny? A spag bog. What's the seafood in that? You see food, so you ate it. Thank you. Mark, did you buzz? Yes, I said prawn cocktail. No. Cowabunga. Chris. Give us some cheese. No. Charlie.
Fish and chips. No. Mushy peas. It was, in fact, lobster thermidor. Question three. Who is this? Who were? I'm not sure about that. Charlie. Matt Hayward. No. We've given too many points for that answer so far. We're not doing that again. Anyone else? Cowabunga. Chris. Is it my chemistry teacher who I haven't seen in about 14, 13 years? Very unlikely. Anyone else? How unlikely? You'll find out when you know the answer. Thank you. Purple Rain. Danny. It's Matthew's cat. Matthew? No, it's not. Who was it? It was Sally Thridgould of Hebden Bridge when she found out that David Lloyd George had just reached the post of Prime Minister in 1916. Oh, a memorable moment.
Question four. Where is this? Oh, that's a lot smaller than I was thinking.
Danny? Purple Rain. No. I mean, Danny? What? What's your answer?
When, what's his name? The Virgin Man was looking at the, when he was going around the world in his thing. Richard Branson. Yes. When he first saw the thing he was going to go around the world in. Hot air balloon. Richard Branson's hot air balloon. Matthew, is it Richard Branson's hot air balloon? No, it's not. Cowabunga. Chris? Was it an extract from a weekend that Chris Reid had in 1996? No, it's not. Mark, was it the pig at the Bulletin Club meal? Oh, no. Was it the Bulletin Club meal? No, it wasn't. Okay. Where was it? It's the mannequin piss in Brussels. There we go.
Question five. Dave, what is the largest number?
Mark? Four. No.
Cowabunga. Chris? I think I actually know this. Go for it. Is it called Graham's number? It used to be Graham's number. It's now been superseded. I think Chris should have a point because Graham's number is an awesome number. Danny? Lucy's number. No. Charlie? Is it Matt's number? It's not. It's, in fact, 3-3. It's unbelievably big. Check the show notes for a video from the excellent number file guy who explains 3-3. But it's 3-3. It's a very, very fucking big number. All right. Question six. What does the Belarus president say are the two key things for beating coronavirus?
Mark? Carry on the football. They are carrying on the football. That's not one of the two things that he's suggested. Cowabunga. You said two things. I've got two guesses, surely. Okay. What's your other guess? You can't see it. No. Your second guess was just as shit as your first one. Chris?
Did he just lift up his hands to the camera and say right and left are the two things required to beat coronavirus? And he's just going to beat it. Punch it. Punch it in the face. Nope. It's not that. Any other guesses?
Purple rain. Charlie? Did you make a noise? Or was that just wind? It's going to. Yeah. Is it the Belarusian flag as a face mask and a crate of Corona beer? It's not, but it is alcohol. Half a point. Danny? Cowabunga. Oh. I thought it was just yet. I was going to say vodka and potatoes. Oh, give you that. Chris? Yeah. I mean, vodka is one of them. There's one more. Chris, did you have a final guess? I mean, vodka is the one I knew, but I'm going to say, and was it hairspray? It's vodka. The other one just is not. And saunas. Question seven. How deep is your love? Purple rain. Danny? It's as deep as my onions are in the back garden. Lovely. Have a point. Anyone else?
Mark? Autumnness. I don't believe that for a second. Question eight. What? Why don't you? There's no answer. Question eight. Why don't you find Pule? How can we get a point then? Danny, you got one. Eight. Why don't you find Pule cheese in Tesco? P-U-L-E. Cheese in Tesco. P-U-L-E. Cheese. Cowabunga. Chris? It cannot be found in Tesco because someone hoarded it and bought all of Tesco's stock about two weeks ago. Not as far as I know, but it's possible. No, it's not possible. Read their own answer, Chris, stupid bastard. I mean, this Chris, me. Mark? I do know the answer, but I can't remember it. I have a point for knowing it. It is, in fact, Danny.
Because of the letters, P-U-L-E. Explain.
It just doesn't look nice, and it looks like a dirty word.
Cowabunga. What dirty word does it look like? I don't know, but I was just thinking that maybe that's why they wouldn't have it. No. Chris? I remember that Mark told me the answer, but I have also forgotten it as well. Ah, well, in that case, I have a point. It is, in fact, because it's not available commercially. It costs $600 per pound and is made from the milk of the Balkan donkey. And the final question of the quiz of the round of possibly our lives, who knows, is please complete this truly awful joke. A horse keeps wandering into my bedroom around 2 a.m.
I think Charlie was just in there first. He's my neighbour. Oh, that's good. Have a point. It's not correct, but have a point. Danny? I was going to say, my partner nays at it. No, that's no good.
Mark? That's why I can't get a stable night's sleep. That's very good. Have a point. Carabunga. Chris A. He's not a bad foreigner. He's a grand national. No, that's awful. Yes, okay. Charlie? Was his name Ginuwine? Because he was a little pony. Okay, Charlie loses her point. She previously did. No, Mark? Was it because he's hung like a human? I think. I don't know. I'll leave you to decide about that, Matthew. It was, in fact. Chris? Was it because I've been sipping the kind of stuff that Danny has in and around the house? Maybe. It was, in fact. It's a recurring nightmare. Oh.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And that exciting climax brings us to the end of the quiz. I've certainly climaxed. Please, I'll edit that out. Danny's just got the joke. Probably the one from last week's episode, though, right? Okay, let's go to Matthew Corner to see what the final scores are. Well, I would like to tell you it was all to play for, and I would like to tell you it is close. Actually, I wouldn't like to tell you that, and it's not true, so I won't.
Charlie and Mark managed a pitiful five, and Purple Thunder managed a whopping ten. But there are also two special bonus points. One to Danny for the phrase, in the garden sausage, from Minute Adjust, because I've been chuckling at that ever since. And Chris A for blockage in the blowhole. Blockage in the blowhole. So, if anything, it's actually 12 points to five. I think blockage in the blowhole is the episode title. Thanks to everybody for playing. Thanks to everybody for watching. If you'd like to support us and help us to make more, please go to ko-fi.com forward slash idiotwind. You can also hear all of these and all other episodes wherever you get your podcasts. Just search for idiotwind or go to idiotwindpodcast.com.
We will be back next Saturday at 1400 UTC plus one with another episode of Idiot Wind. But in the meantime, thank you to Charlie Gardner, to Mark Womersley, to Chris Adlam, to Danny O'Hara. Of course, the lovely, smelly, cuddly Matthew Haywood. Matthew, any partying thoughts?
Not really. That's fair enough. We'll see you next time. Goodbye. Goodbye.
Hey, it's me again. Thanks for listening. We appreciate it. We are live streaming some episodes throughout the coronavirus pandemic. Please check out Idiot Wind on Facebook for when they are there. Normally, Saturday afternoon is about two o'clock UK time, which is UTC plus one. The music, a lovely theme tune, which I didn't talk over at the end of this one because it's just a really great piece of music is Yes I Do by the Melvins. Check them out. And it's under Creative Commons license on the Free Music Archive. We're also incredibly grateful to anybody who has supported us.
We appreciate it even more during these tough times to our two executive producers, Amy Womersley and Rene LaRue. If you would like to support us, you can do so by going to patreon.com forward slash idiot wind. If you'd like to pledge an amount per episode from as little as a dollar or you can go to ko-fi.com forward slash idiot wind. And you can just chuck a quid or something into our virtual tip jar. We'd be very grateful of that, too. Thanks for listening. Stay well. And we'll see you again for another one of these soon. Podface.
Podface. Thank you.