Holidays

Play from 00:00 On a flight somewhere in the sky. Oh God, Chris, don't call the cabin crew again.

Play from 00:09 And what can I do for you this time, sir? Oh, I just wondered why we're so low. It's kind of freaking me out. The captain is very experienced. I'm sure this is the altitude he feels we need to be at. Who is the captain, please? Ladies, gentlemen, and non-binary folk, this is your captain Matthew speaking. Oh, fuck. We are now making our way to the Seychelles. We're supposed to be going to Manchester. We're cruising at an altitude of 20 feet, which I know sounds low. In fact, it is low. I did try and get us higher, but when I pulled back on the wheel thing, it came off in my hands. But I'm sure it's fine. You really get to appreciate the detail of the ground from this height.

Play from 00:53 He doesn't inspire confidence, does he? Can I get 16 gin and tonics, please? Oh, I'm afraid we're out of gin. How can he be out of gin? We've only just taken off. Well, the captain... This is Captain Matthew here with an update for you. I pressed the button and we're now cruising at 10 feet. Oh, and the co-pilot had to leave suddenly. But everything will be fine as I've just downed a load of pilot juice. Lovely Gordon's pilot juice. Yummy. This is not going to go well. Oh, you're right. This is bad, isn't it? Yes. Is there... is there anyone on board who can fly? Yes. You can fly a plane? Oh, a plane? No. A helicopter? No. What on earth can you fly?

Play from 01:37 I've said too much. I can fly planes. You can? No, I just wanted to be involved. Are there parachutes on board? Just one. I'll give you £200 if I can have it. If anyone's having it, it's me, pal. Hi, me again. I just wanted to let you know I've had a little chat with myself and the upshot is that I'm going to take this parachute and head on out of here. Pop the autopilot on, I think. So there's nothing to worry about. Probably. Thanks for flying, Matthew Airways. Bye!

Play from 02:15 It's Idiot Wind!

Play from 02:35 Welcome! Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to Idiot Wind, the panel show podcast made by Idiots for Idiots. Yes, we are sitting around by the microphones, near the microphones. In fact, today we're fisting. What? That doesn't need to be... We've got a new technique for making sure that we are audible and it involves a fist. Anyway, on my left is the delightful Danny O'Hara. Danny, how are you? I'm good, thank you. How do you feel about holidays? Oh, God, I feel that there are not enough of them. What's your favourite kind of holiday? Oh, everything. I mean, I just want lots of holidays so I can achieve all the things that I like because there's not something specific. So sometimes I want to do a relax and sometimes I want to climb something. Do you like theme parks? Love theme parks. Do you like aqua parks?

Play from 03:20 Love them. Do you like parking? Parking. As in what, snogging in a car? I think that's dogging. No, at 15 you parked, right? Yeah. And then when you got a little bit older, then some people dogged. Okay, did you like parking when you were 15 and kissing people? Yeah. Do you like Michael Parkinson? No, I wasn't keen on him. Who's on your team today, Danny? This is terrible. Do you want to try that again? No. I like Michael Parkinson. I, okay, I feel like I went down a cul-de-sac with the old Michael Parkinson there. Can we try that one again? Really? I don't mean... We have to move on at some point. Okay. Danny, how do you feel about holidays? Love them. Do you like theme parks? I love them. Good.

Play from 04:05 Who's on your team? Hi, it's Daniel. Oh, bye. I've forgotten his name. Dan Cooper? Dan Cooper. It's Coops. Dan Cooper. Hello. Hi, Dan. I think you're talking to him now. Tell us a bit about Dan, Danny. Oh, right, well, Dan biked here, and he's really into IT and some gaming stuff, and he's an improviser, and he improvises with us at Dog Face, and he can talk for himself. Dan, I'm judging by your reactions, that was about 25% accurate. That was about 25% accurate. I got an e-scooter here. Okay, well, I saw a helmet.

Play from 04:50 I mean, I'm sorry. Dan, it's lovely to have you here. Idiot Win Debut. This is my Idiot Win Debut. Woo! Excited to have you here. How do you feel about holidays? You're a holiday kind of guy? I do like holidays, yes. Where do you go on holiday? So I like to go to a big city and do as much of the city as I possibly can. Do the city. So you know the film Debbie Does Dallas. I am familiar with the concept. So I don't do that sort of doing. Okay. But imagine that kind of work ethic. Yes. Okay. For a city. Lovely. Thank you. I've got a question, just really quick. But when did we start saying doing? I do. What does that mean? I've done Chicago. I've, what's done? Like, I mean, I've never said I've done Chicago. I've never. Good. Not to criticise you, Dan, in any shape form. Well, I mean, it's fine. It's fine. Literally, it's my first time.

Play from 05:36 Will and the poor boy apart. You already told me I had to wipe my feet and then take my shoes off and then wipe my my socks. Well, I didn't go further with the wiping though, did I? I stopped. Okay. Facing you two is Team Captain Becky. Becky, hello. Hello. How are you? I'm very well. Thank you very much. When was the last time you went on holiday? Me and my husband took our honeymoon three years after our wedding this year in Naples. And how was Naples?

Play from 06:05 Amazing. Was it? You recommend Naples? Yes. Highlight for me was we took a boat to the island of Capri and I ate lemon sorbet out of a lemon. And I was like, this is how you do holidays. That's amazing. Did you also have a Capri son? No. No. They're not. They're a bit snooty, aren't they, about stuff like that? They are a little bit the old Napoleons. Yep. Who's on your team today? A young boy called Tom. Oh, I know a young boy called Tom. How are you doing, Tom? I'm a bit young for this, but I'm okay. No, I'm well. I'm well. And this is also my debut, so I've never experienced this before. Well, it's a treat for us to have an audio professional, a master of the airwaves, a breakfast show host, no less.

Play from 06:50 And I never knew about fisting, though. That was new to me. You've learned something today. As soon as you walked through the door, that was one of the first things I showed you. Holidays. Yes or no? Absolutely. They're the greatest thing, I think. There we go. The greatest thing. Better than all things. Better than world peace. That's what he said. All right. We've met everybody. Oh, we need team names. Danny, what's your team name?

Play from 07:09 Danios. Okay, it's the Danios versus... British Telecom. Because B&T, right? Becky and Tom, British Telecom. Boom. A company that hasn't existed for a clear 20 years. They're just called BT now, I think. Shut the fuck up, Chris. Okay. Right. Well, you know what? This has been fun. But let's move on. It's time for round one. Don't have the jingle. Da-da-da-da-da. Sort it out. I'll put it on afterwards. I also don't get an introduction, you bastard.

Play from 07:39 I'd just like to say that probably one in five episodes, I forget to introduce Matthew. And I'm just aware that this is already behind. This has taken quite a long time. And there's one more person to meet. And without him, things would be very different. They'd be much better. But let's meet him. It's Matthew. How are you, Matthew? Hello, Chris. I'm fine, thanks. What have you been up to? Well, weirdly, I was on honeymoon with Becky's husband two years after their wedding. Where did you go to? Bognor. Lovely. How was it? You told me it was a work trip. What the fuck? It was kind of grim, actually. And I loved every second of it. It was grey. It was stony. Yeah, good fun. My kind of holiday. Lovely stuff. Matthew is going to be in charge of the scores today.

Play from 08:24 This is going to be a very tense show. The other woman over here. Becky and Matt are now sitting, are currently sitting next to each other, which is probably not good. We'll see how that pans out. All right, let's go on with round one.

Play from 08:41 Sort it out. Okay, teams, you have a thing to sort out. And this episode, and I would like to know, according to a CruiseLine.com survey of cruise workers, what are the most stupid questions staff are asked on cruises? I have to assume there's always some dickhead, like comparing it to Titanic and going, oh, why did it have to be women and children first? It's fucking reverse racism or whatever. And I imagine that's quite annoying for the staff. Yeah. I reckon a joke that's always made, does this thing have cruise control? I reckon constantly it's being said in that same sort of laugh. That's a very good point. I bet they hear that a lot.

Play from 09:24 And you have to be like, the staff have to be quite polite on cruise ships. So they have to give a like a, could, can we just role play that? Yeah. Your cruise staff, I want you to genuinely seem amused by my joke. Okay, here we go. Oh, does this have cruise control? How funny, because it's a cruise ship. You are righteous. Oh, hello. I've got one. Hi. I was told I was going cruising. I'm single. Cruising. Yes, very good. Come to our jokes room. I'll lock the door. Where do I find Tom Cruise? He's in there, actually. His bones.

Play from 09:59 Good. All right. Any more? Can you paint me like one of your French girls? Yes. Later. Any more? Let's get the quiz out of the way first. So I'll be honest with you. This is the sort of question I would ask, because I feel like in that sort of situation, you want the control. You want to kind of know if disaster strikes. So I think I would go up to someone and ask them, you know, if the fire alarm goes off, where's the car park for us to congregate in? I think that's important. Yeah, that's important to know, right? It is. I definitely think on a cruise, someone says, oh, can we just go back to that port? I think I left my bag. Also, I reckon a lot of the time people are saying things like, are we there yet? That kind of silly. That's more silly jokes, isn't it?

Play from 10:41 Do you reckon people, you know, when you do like number plate games? Yeah. But there's no cars. Can you play them? How would you play them? Just like, oh, there's a dolphin. I don't know. I don't know if somebody is like, oh, can I swap rooms? I'm not a big, I don't really like the sea. Can I get a different view? Yeah. Can I not have a sea view, please? I reckon there's someone, there'll always be one person who comes up to the staff and goes, when do we get to international water? Can you help me? I need to move this suitcase over the side of the back of the boat. Can you just, can you help me? Just let me know as soon as we're in international water and then just help me. It's very heavy.

Play from 11:26 There's definitely going to be someone with, oh, blimey, there's like rain and a tornado. Can we do something about that? Yeah. Yes. I would want to, I want to be, I want to go Seinfeld and like gather a lot of them and be like, um, what's the deal with the swimming pool on the deck? There's the sea right there. There's so much water right there. But you've got water right here. I don't get it. And just keep doing that until they all scream. I definitely would have the question there is, um, so I can dive off here, right? And swim in the sea? Yeah. Where, where is the diving platform? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good point. Are you, are you, are you not traditionally allowed to jump off cruise ships and swim?

Play from 12:10 I think these cruise ships are big, you could die, don't do it. They're like 10 story high. Didn't someone get, sorry to bring it back to Titanic, but didn't someone get propelled to death? In the Titanic? I remember that. It may have been a spoof of Titanic that I saw. No, someone definitely hits it. I remember that bit. Yeah, but I'm thinking someone gets chopped up. Sliced. Sliced and diced. I mean, this is nice. This is nice. Yeah. Cheery fun. Yeah. Yeah. I think, I think when a ship goes down, everything goes down. Yeah. So the propeller's not propelling anymore. Like every, no, what I mean is the shit goes down. Like there's gruesome stuff, right? The shit does go down. You think that people are getting sliced up? I think everything's happening. Yeah. Lovely. It would have been a help to chop that lovely, um, lettuce. The old iceberg.

Play from 12:55 Yeah. Chop it up. Chop it up. Make a lovely sandwich. Has anyone actually been on a cruise ship? No. I've been on a lettuce. I'm under 60. Squishy. Mulchy. What? I just said I've not been on a cruise because I'm under 60. Yeah. And not widowed.

Play from 13:10 Or looking to throw a priceless emerald off the side. Or looking to throw a body off the side. Yet. I don't understand why I couldn't bring my horse. Yep. One thing more. Genuine question. I don't know if you know the answer, but about Titanic, I wonder if it is kind of taboo. And if there's a movie run, right, would they ever show Titanic? Do you think that actually happens? Or like, I wonder if it's ever shown on a cruise ship that they'll show that film. Do they show the Titanic? I think there was something where they never used to, thankfully, because I don't want to watch a plane disaster film whilst I'm in a plane. I watched K-19 Widowmaker on a plane once. That was bad enough. Everybody dies horribly.

Play from 13:55 It's time, speaking of everybody dying horribly, it's time to go over to Matthew Corner and see what the scores are. Well, yes, that was interesting. I've got nine points here. Not as in I've given nine points. You were all off the mark. I've got nine answers. And a couple of you got close enough that I gave pity points. So, well done. Yay, pity points. But, according to Cruise Line, this question hurts my head. Does the crew sleep on the ship?

Play from 14:26 Yep. Why does the microwave in my room not work? It's a safe.

Play from 14:33 Why do I have an awful view of a parking lot in Pork on Embarkation Day? Brilliant. I have an outside cabin. Will I get wet if it rains?

Play from 14:43 Why are the ruins in Rome in such poor condition? Do you eat the dinner leftovers? How do we power this far from land? Sorry, how do we have power this far from land? Can I water ski off the back of the ship and do the bar staff help drive the ship? So, Tom got a point for going down the whole cruise control thing because that's just a good joke. That's just a pity point for a good joke. And Danny got a point for talking about diving off of a ship because that's the closest to water skiing. But that does mean that each team has one point making this entire round redundant. Yay! Completely pointless round. We love it. Yay! Pod face!

Play from 15:22 From the pen of Jebson Crab Church, award-winning writer of Sorry We Missed You and Please Excuse Me, we bring you the tale of a man who simply couldn't make it in I Couldn't Make It. Stephen, where were you? Yeah, I'm sorry. I couldn't make it. If all you wanted to do was make it, but events transpired to make it simply not possible, to make it, then maybe you'd find yourself retrospectively saying, I couldn't make it. Well, Stephen, I have to say I was surprised not to see you there. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, I couldn't make it. But all is not what it seems.

Play from 16:06 Are you quite sure you couldn't have made it, Mr. Oxley? I don't know. Maybe if I'd have rushed, maybe I could have made it. If there's one thing you do this summer, then make it making it to see I Couldn't Make It. In cinemas from Friday.

Play from 16:28 Hey, anyone for a biscuit? Yeah, sure. I'd love a... Whoa, wait. Are they lethal biscuits? They are actually lethal biscuits, yes. The biscuit's so good, it might kill you. Okay. Actually, um, I'd better not ruin my appetite for lunch. Whoa, are you scared? No, I think my phone's ringing.

Play from 16:50 Yeah, hello? Now available in strawberry popscotch and raisin topaz flavours. Hot face!

Play from 16:58 It's time for round two.

Play from 17:09 Yes, round two is what the what the fuck. I'm going to read out some holiday-related things and you just have to answer the answers. What? You heard. Okay, question one. Things on buzzers. I've forgotten the buzzers.

Play from 17:24 Let's go. Should we have a buzzer sound? Do you want... Should I find the buzzers? No. No. Okay, let's have a buzzer sound from everybody. Tom, what's your buzzer sound? And Becky? And Dan? And Danny? Whore. Whore?

Play from 17:42 Okay, I love it. Everyone say a swear word. Whore! Oh, I said... Oh, it did come out like that. I was trying to do a whore. It's exactly the same. Say me again, Dan. Let me try something else then. Slag.

Play from 17:58 Okay, everyone's got their buzzers. Chris, can I have a buzzer sound? No. Why do you need a buzzer? Okay, yes. Okay, go on. Thanks. What is it? No, I've got one. That doesn't matter. Okay.

Play from 18:09 Question one. On May the 17th this year, where did... Question one. On May the 17th this year, where did a Chicago DoorDash driver end up? Dan? Swansea. Sadly not. Becky? On a door. No. A la end of Titanic. Vert. Tom? Chica. Because Chicago. He goes to Chica. Oh, I know. That's the answer, right? It has to be. It's not the answer. No, it doesn't have to be. Ha. Whore. Danny? By the window. By the window. Where's the DoorDash? DoorDash by the window. Boom. Lovely stuff. Hey, Becky. His correct destination.

Play from 18:54 Just a really boring... What a news story that would have been. No, the answer is, in fact, on a runway at Chicago's O'Hare Airport. The 36-yard driver stopped near grounded aircraft and showed the food receipt and the meal he was trying to deliver. He was released without any citations. However, the security employee that let him through the gate was relieved of her duties. Question two. On a long-haul flight from Spain to the US, why did the passenger sitting next to foodie influencer Leaf & Loaf Co. complain to the cabin crew? Eh. Becky? I would have thought it would be obvious. It's really fucking annoying. It could be, but no. Eh. Dan? They were live-streaming during the entire flight. Half a point. What were they live-streaming? Their food? Eh.

Play from 19:38 Their cabin food? That's what we're hoping. Have another quarter of a point. Matthew, do we do quarter points? Absolutely not. Okay. Becky? Were they eating goat fetuses? They wouldn't. They were not. Were they brewing goat fetuses? No. Anyone else? Danny? Were they doing, like, birds where they eat it and then they spit it out? No, they weren't doing that. Into each other's mouths. Tom? Eating another passenger. They weren't eating another passenger. Any other guesses? Becky? Was it just fish or something smelly or gross? It was not. They spent the entire flight making sourdough bread. What? Making? I was going to say bread because there was a clue, wasn't there? Loaf. You said loaf or something. You should have said bread. I thought I'm doing too many puns, so I didn't go for it.

Play from 20:23 Tom, can you promise me you were going to say bread? I can promise. You can up to half a point. Yay. Oh, there we go. Where can I see that? I'm interested in that. Which is telecom. There is a video. I will send it to you. It's better than TB, isn't it? BT. Question three. What error did San Franciscan Nicholas Scotty make when his flight to Rome made a one-hour fuel stop at Kennedy Airport in New York? Oh, Becky. He tried to beam someone up.

Play from 20:52 He did not.

Play from 20:57 Becky's enjoyed her own joke tremendously. It was Dan. He didn't try and pair red meat with white wine, did he? No, he's not that awful. Well, he got off and thought he was at Rome. Hoo-ha. Danny. Hoo-ha. Hoo-ha. Hoo-ha. Hoo-ha. I forgot my thing. Hoo-ha. Hoo-ha. Hoo-ha. Shouldn't I come fast? Hoo-ha. Danny. He got off and thought he was at Rome. He did. He got out and spent two days in New York believing it was Rome. Sorry, where did he come from? San Francisco.

Play from 21:35 Yes. When his nephews were not there to meet him, he assumed they had been delayed due to the heavy Roman traffic mentioned in their letters. Heavy Roman traffic. Heavy Roman traffic mentioned in their letters. Yeah.

Play from 21:50 While tracking down their address, the great traveller could not help noticing the modernisation had brushed aside most, if not all, of the ancient city's landmarks. He also noticed that many people spoke English with a distinct American accent. However, he just assumed that Americans got everywhere. Furthermore, he assumed it was for their benefit that so many street signs were written in English. Mr. Scotty spoke very little English himself and asked the policeman in Italian the way to the bus depot. As chance would have it, the policeman came from Naples and replied fluently in Italian. After 12 hours travelling around the bus, the driver handed him over to a second policeman. There followed a brief argument in which Mr. Scotty expressed amazement that Rome police would employ somebody who did not speak Italian. All right. At the end of round two, what the fuck? Let's go over to Matthew and see what the scores are.

Play from 22:34 Well, we at least now have a leader. We've got British Telecom on one and a half and the Danny-o's, Danny, Danny, Danny-o's, Danny-o's, or thereabouts, on two and a half. Woo-hoo! Boo! All right. All we're waiting for as we go into round three. And I haven't made a jingle for this yet, so I'll do that afterwards.

Play from 22:55 Ooh, TripAdvisor. Yes, round three is TripAdvisor. I'm going to read out some one-star reviews from TripAdvisor, and you have to tell me which UK landmark or, you know, place, I suppose, that this is talking about. There's a headline and there's a review. You get a whopping two points if you get it just from the headline, and you get one point if you need the description as well. So get those buzzers ready. The first one's really fucking easy, so get ready. Question one. The headline of the review is, it's just a big clock. Tom. Big Ben. Big Ben for two points. The one-star review of Big Ben, it's just a big clock.

Play from 23:38 They go on to say, I don't understand all the hype with this clock. It's literally just a clock. It's going to be a digital one in 30 years anyway. You're not a Big Ben fan? No, I like it. It was many years that it wasn't working, right? That's right. They were doing a lot of work to it. Yeah, no one in London knew what the time was for years. So, Tom, you wrote that review, didn't you? Well, yes. Question two. The headline of the TripAdvisor one-star review is misleading, but what were they talking about? Eh. Becky. Big Ben. They were just really stupid. They were expecting it to be enormous. That would be enormous, Ben. Yes. Well, I said they were stupid, so... They have, yeah, yeah, yeah. Root. Not be Ben, Tom. Like a big statue with a woman walking a dog. Big statue with a woman walking a dog.

Play from 24:23 Misleading. Ah. See her? Yeah. Very good. Eh. Becky. Angel of the North. Not Angel of the North, no. With a lead. Any other guesses for misleading? I'll move on to the description then. The description. Not a chair in sight. Had to sit on the grass and was left with an unsightly wet patch, so it looked like I'd soiled myself. Eh. Arthur's seat. Becky. I was going to say that. We're on the same team. Wrong person answered, like they say on the chase. Hoo-ha-ha. Danny. Arthur's seat. Arthur's seat? Yes. What? No, no. I will not allow this. You buzzed and he answered. But we're a team. We're a team. It's like on the chase, they say, wrong person answered. I just want it to sound like I was on the chase. Is this the chase? Are you that **** that used to be on EastEnders? Wow. It's all got quite frisky in the corner there.

Play from 25:08 Who used to be on EastEnders? Oh, Bradley Walsh. I was about to say Danny Walsh. Danny Walsh. Yeah, Bradley Walsh. Dan, Dan. I'm going to leave it up to Matthew because I'm absolutely terrified of Becky. So I'll see what Matthew... Dan, I'm really coming for him. You are in safe hands over here. I'm glad we're not using language like ****. I don't like it, really. What happens when they say wrong person answers? Do they let the other team say it? No, you don't get the point. There's no other team. Until they move on. The chase is so difficult anyway. Chase is fucking brilliant. Love the chase. Love the chase. I want to go on the chase. Question three. Just watch the chase. The headline. The question three. Yeah, don't listen to this shit. Watch the chase. Question three. The headline of this one-star review on TripAdvisor is a lot of rocks. Becky? Stonehenge? No. Dan? The Giant's Causeway? It's correct.

Play from 25:53 Giant's Causeway. The description goes on to say, terrible place, long distances for walking to see daft old rocks. Entrance fears extortion. You don't have to pay to see stones. It's a good point that they make. I mean, that's a good point. All of those points are actually valued. Valid? Valid. Yeah. I mean, hey guys. I mean, really, you know, it's about 150 quid if you want to watch Mick and Keith and all the other stones.

Play from 26:21 They're quite nice stones in their defence. They're like hexagons, aren't they? Yeah. They're quite impressive. And there's a lovely walk across the two things, like a really scary walk. I'm not saying it's not lovely to go and see it, but his or their points, it's a long way to walk. To see daft old rocks. I know, but the fee. Why is there a massive great big fee to go down there? Yes, it's a good point. Nature should be for everyone. I mean, the giants have got to earn some money somewhere. I feel like the giants are doing okay. Okay. Okay, let's move on to the next one. The headline is Disneyland wannabe. Disneyland wannabe. Becky. Disney World. No. Remember, this is a UK fan.

Play from 27:06 I kind of want this to be the right answer, because I really want it to be Pleasurewood Hills. We all want it to be the right answer. Pleasurewood Hills, for those that don't know, is a theme park. It's a shit local theme park. It's a great family day out.

Play from 27:23 I've got lots of happy memories of Pleasurewood Hills. Pleasurewood Hills, for those that don't know, is a theme park where we are in East Anglia. I used to get incredibly excited about going to Pleasurewood Hills. I think I probably still would. I used to love Woody the Bear. I nearly pushed Woody the Bear into the river off of a minesweeper. Just thought I'd let you know. Doesn't surprise me. True story. I don't know who Woody the Bear is. You haven't lived. Well, he was about to be sleeping with the fishes. Any more guesses? Disneyland wannabe. It's not Pleasurewood Hills. Tom? Legoland? Not Legoland. Okay, Dan? Is it the Surrey Doctor Who Museum? It's not the Surrey Doctor Who Museum. Let's move on to the description. So, Disneyland wannabe.

Play from 28:05 Except that at Disneyland, one price covers all. Here you pay for parking, pay to get inside, then pay again for additional attractions. If you enjoy actors in cheap costuming with more flair for theatrics than real history, this place will appeal to you. Dan? Is it the Globe Theatre? Not the Globe Theatre. Hampton Court? No. Daddy? Or the Tower of London? No.

Play from 28:29 It is, in fact, Warwick Castle. Disneyland wannabe. Next one. One star review on TripAdvisor. The headline is, risked my life. Tom? A motorway somewhere? A motorway? I was going to say that. Is that what you were going to say? You were going to say the M1? The M1? No, not the M1? Not a motorway? Risked my life?

Play from 28:52 Daddy? Greg's.

Play from 28:58 You do risk your life every time you go to Greg's. No, it's not Greg's. Let's have the description, I think. I risked my life for a stupid picture. I need... I need... Yeah, okay. I risked my life for a stupid picture. I need to ask another person to risk their life to take a picture of my family. Dan? Is it the Blarney Stone? It's not the Blarney Stone.

Play from 29:20 Becky? The Barney Stone. It's not the Barney Stone. Just to let you know... The dinosaur. That's also in Ireland, where it's supposed to be UK.

Play from 29:29 Listen again with the bullying. Yeah, there's a lot of bullying today. Becky? Niagara Falls.

Play from 29:39 Where were you at them? Was it the... Oh yeah, was it the Lancashire Museum of People Mincing?

Play from 29:47 That's my favourite museum, man. I love that. I go there to watch their live display every day. They have a high staff turnover. The Shard? Not The Shard. Hoo-ha, hoo-ha. Danny. Well, is it... Was it the M1? No, not... I think Becky said the M1 about an hour ago. Oh, well, I just wanted to say that if you were going to take a picture on that, you should get someone else to take it. Because it's dangerous. Dangerous, yeah. But don't do it. Where do people... Where do people take... Stop and take a picture that's risky? I mean, I'm just repeating what I've already said, actually. Angel of the North? No, not Angel of the North. Dan? In any public place when your trousers are down.

Play from 30:27 Hee-hoo-ha-hoor at any of the races. It's a famous album cover. Oh, hee-ha-hoo. Abbey Road Crossing. Yes, Abbey Road points to Danny. The next one is... The headline is... The headline is... Very steep and too high.

Play from 30:46 Hoo-ha-hoor Snowdonia. No.

Play from 30:51 Make it shorter. Cut it in half. Not Snowdonia. Dan? The Shard. Not The Shard. Let's have the description. This was almost a full day's climbing and my girlfriend was crying at one point. When we did get to the top, there was nothing there. Mount Snowdon has a pub, restaurant and toilets at the top. Luckily, we had brought some sandwiches and drinks. So anyone else climbing this one, be warned, there are no facilities at the top. The climb basically went on far too long and the last part was particularly steep and difficult. It was also cloudy at the top, so the view was non-existent. The long walk back down was boring and again took too long. Becky? Ben Nevis. Points for Becky. Well, just one, actually. And finally, the headline simply reads, boring.

Play from 31:34 Hee! Becky? A drill factory.

Play from 31:38 They bore. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. That's a good joke. I like that. But no, it's incorrect. It's so rare for me, isn't it? Tom? Oh, I've forgotten the name. I've got Ayers Rock in my head and it's not that. Ayers Rock? Yeah, what's the one? The famous movie landmark? What's all the big stones? Stonehenge, vert. No, Stonehenge, vert. No, it was not. Stonehenge, vert. It was party Stonehenge. Stonehenge, vert. Anyone else? Uh, whore. Danny? London. Great. No. Becky, I mean, Dan? The Surrey Doctor Who music. No, it's not the Surrey Doctor Who music. Becky, I think you should buzz again. Hee? Becky. What was the question again? Boring. It was just boring. Yeah.

Play from 32:21 Don't. Okay, let's have the description. It's a lump of metal in... Angel of the North. It's Angel of the North. Thank you, Dan. The description is, it's a lump of metal in the ground next to a motorway. Keep going and check out Penshore Monument in Sunderland. I think there's a bit of local rivalry going on there. All right. Good work, team. That was... I felt like the points were flying around there. Let's go over to Matthew Corner and see what the points are saying to him. Well, British Telecom have taken the lead and are currently winning seven and a half to five and a half. It is quite literally thrilling and I'm on the edge of my seat and that is nothing to do with the fact that I'm actually just sitting on a very narrow stack of thesauruses.

Play from 33:00 Well, it's very exciting. It's all to play for as we go to the final round, which is questions.

Play from 33:08 Questions. All right. Fingers on buzzers, team, which is impossible because you're making the noises with your voice box. Fingers on voice boxes, team. Question one. During COVID, what did Taiwan's Civil Aviation Administration organise to give people that holiday feeling? Becky. A holiday. No. Tom. It's a PowerPoint presentation. No. Might as well have done. Dan. Danny. They piped out lots of traffic noise as if you're on your way and lots of people going, are we nearly there yet? No. Tom. A nice new cup. Like a new cup to drink from because that can be like a holiday sometimes. Oh, bless you. That's sweet. What a sweet little boy you've got in your team, Becky. I like this.

Play from 33:53 I found him in an orphanage in Victorian times. I've still got my cup. Dan. They set up a PA system to play hula music all the way through the country. They did not. That's a lie. I'm sorry. Sorry. And we're attacking you now as well. Hoo-ho. Danny. They sent round bags of sand so that they could be put into your bag and shoes. You feel like you've been on the beach. No, they did, in fact, organise a fantasy flight to recreate the experience of getting a flight. This is when the flights were grounded. So you did all of the airport experience right up to the point of taking off, but then you didn't take off. Instead, they were entertained on board with a pub quiz hosted by an inflatable dinosaur. That's the worst bit of holiday. Yeah.

Play from 34:38 I think I could have been entertained during COVID lockdown with that. By going and checking in, going through the scanner. Well, no, I think, you know, yeah. Or just sleeping on my rucksack until, you know, the last minute and then having a dinosaur quiz. Oh, you wanted a fantasy delayed flight. That's even better. Okay. Question two. What's the secret to having a great holiday? Dan. Alcohol. Yeah. Point. Tom. With the nice cup.

Play from 35:09 Becky. Is it don't spend too much? Because they say that about weddings. It might be. Yeah. Danny, did you want to say something? Ooh, whore. Danny. When you open up your case at the end and the sand and you remember, I think there might be some song lyrics going on in there. Lovely stuff. I'll let Matthew score that because there's no actual correct answer to that. Question three. What global holiday is on the 23rd of February? Oh, I thought there wasn't a 23rd of February. I was like. That's a weird leap. And it goes up to the 22nd.

Play from 35:42 Is that your annual daily? Your annual daily? Is that your annual get blind, drunk and black out for a day festival, the 22nd? Yeah. Yeah. Every year. Any guesses? What global holiday is on the 23rd of February? Danny. It is the hope that the long winter is. Oh, it's not global. Shut up, Danny. Shut up, Danny. Anyone else? Dan. It's when Matthew has his bath. Yes. It might coincidentally be. Becky. Oh, I was going to say it's annual teeth cleaning day. So it's quite similar. No, it is in fact International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day. Oh, of course. Question four. In a law dating back to the Austro-Hungarian Empire, what is it illegal to do in Milan apart from when you're at a funeral or in hospital? Danny. Hoo-ha, wear heels. Nope.

Play from 36:28 Becky. Laugh. Nope. Tom. Touch a coffin. No. Hoo-ha. Danny. Touch your Lederhaden smacking things. Lederhosen. Touch your Lederhosen. Touch your Lederhosen. That's what I heard. Touch your Lederhosen. Yes. No. Danny. No. Becky. Touch yourself. No, Dan. That was exactly what I was going to say. That's why you buzzed at the same time. Yeah. Great minds. No, the answer is frown. What? It's illegal to frown. It's not enforced these days. There's a lot of Botox in the land. Yeah. Question five. If you went on a holiday, then came back and felt like you needed a holiday to get over the holiday, where would you go on that holiday? Hoo-ha. Danny. Blackpool seafront. Lovely. Have a point.

Play from 37:13 Dan. The Sorry Doctor Who Museum. Have a point. Tom, this is one of those questions where you get a point. for saying anything. Root. Tom. My wagon. Minus one point. What?

Play from 37:25 How much is the most expensive holiday package in the world? Becky. At least ten pounds. You have to have a point for that. You're very clever in the way that you answer sometimes. Root. Tom. Priceless. No, it does have a price. Minus one point.

Play from 37:45 Dan. It'll cost you more than money. No, it just costs money.

Play from 37:51 Pete hoo-ha. Pete hoo-ha. Danny. Well, first class has gone up, so I would imagine it's going to cost something about £17.50. It's close. It's got a one and a seven in it. It's £1.7 million per person. Let me tell you what that gets you. It's a 140-day world cruise from Miami to New York. Hang on, that's not the world. It will take... Oh, okay. Actually, you go around. You don't go straight there. It takes 170 days. It's so frustrating.

Play from 38:23 You will take in six continents, 40 countries and 71 ports. You can cruise the world. Two guests. There's one ticket on the... Two tickets, rather, on the whole cruise that is the £1.7 million. This isn't making any sense. There's a whole cruise ship and then one cabin costs you £1.7 million per person. And those two guests will stay in a 4,443 square foot ultra-luxury suite. The couple will also spend one week in the most expensive hotel room in New York, the £60,000 a night penthouse at the Mark Hotel. But can they bring their horse? They cannot bring their horse. They explicitly forbids. I'd just buy a house, I think. Yeah, for £1.7 million.

Play from 39:08 Yeah, not go on holiday. Yeah. It's limited, isn't it, by time? It seems very silly. Yeah. £1.7 million. I think we could go on lots of little holidays and buy a house or two. Especially to my wagon. Tom's wagon is very reasonably priced. You could probably stay in Edinburgh for a week during Fringe for that. That is true. Question seven. What is Matthew's ideal holiday? A week in... Becky. Going into a small dungeon and eating rats. Matthew, is that correct? Not far off. Okay, anyone else want to have a guess?

Play from 39:42 Bouncy Castle. Bouncy Castle land? Bouncy Castle land? That's probably the opposite. Opposite? Any other guesses? A hard concrete land? A hard concrete land. Imagine a dungeon in a bouncy castle. Who? Bouncy dungeon? Bouncy dungeon. Come on, kids, let's go to the bouncy dungeon. Who whore? Danny. In a dark underground cave on a little train with a train and with a train set. Can I just check that he's got a train set and he's with a train on a train in a cave? Matthew, what's that? Wow, that's not it. Okay.

Play from 40:19 Dan. I think it would be staying at home.

Play from 40:26 End of sense. Well, as you know, I don't like fun. So my favourite holiday is to go to my shed where I've painted the wall and then I watch the paint dry and then I go back in a month and then just paint a different colour over it. You wait a month between taking it seriously for some reason? He doesn't want to overdo it. I can't go on holiday that frequently. It's expensive. Okay, I'm with you.

Play from 40:49 Becky, please do try not to take Matthew seriously too much.

Play from 40:55 But I mean, in this case, I think you're right. I think that genuinely was true. Okay, question eight. What did the Savoy Hotel have to get brought from Wales by taxi to fulfil a guest request? Becky. Savaloy. No. Danny. Their horse.

Play from 41:12 No. Becky. Savlon. Tom. Their favourite cup. No. Who was not that this time? Danny. Their pet. Guess. No. Dan. Authentic Welsh rabbit. No, it was in fact Welsh wild goat's milk to have a goat milk bath and they also requested 30 bottles of Evian for rinsing. Was it Cleopatra? It might have been Cleopatra. I don't know. Was she coming at Shaq? She bathed in ass milk. Sorry, asses milk. No one should bathed in ass milk. Ass milk is something else. Ass milk in the bouncy dungeon. Yeah, when I've had too much gluten, I generate ass milk.

Play from 41:57 Question nine. Question nine. Why did a TSA agent have to step in when a woman was loading her belongings onto a tray to be x-rayed at JFK airport in 2018? Becky. She loaded a load of dildos onto that. She did not load a load of dildos on, no. Hoo-hoar. Danny. She thought it included her children. Half a point.

Play from 42:18 Hoo-hoar. Danny. She put her baby on there. A quarter of a point, Becky. She put on a pregnancy test, a positive pregnancy test. No. Hoo-hoar. Danny. She got on it. No. The answer is she put her dog on it. Oh. Question ten. The final question of the whole goddamn quiz. Please do an impression of a bad holiday.

Play from 42:44 Hoo-hoar. Danny. Hi, everyone.

Play from 42:48 The points are at Matt's discretion here. Anyone else want to have a go? For Dan. Hi, everyone. It's Cliff. And, yeah, I understand the plane isn't taking off and you're all very warm. So, I thought I'd come on and give you a little impromptu concert. I brought my guitar. I thought I'd start with every single song I've ever written.

Play from 43:12 Bert. Tom. Holiday is always a new experience, so I'm going to spend my entirety with you. And I've brought my special cup. Lovely stuff. All right. That brings to the end of the quiz. Let's go over it and see who's taking away today's massive prize fund. Well, as you know, I don't really get excited. And I'm not. But there was only half a point in it. Wow. And during that last round, that half a point was bouncing between the two teams. So, the Danios ended on 11 points. But British Telecom have 11 and a half. Yeah. Well done. Yeah, sneaked it by half a point. Wow. Well done, Becky and Tom. What are you going to spend your winnings on? Well, obviously. New cup, right? A holiday. Oh, yeah.

Play from 43:55 A holiday and a new cup. Which is the same thing. A holiday inside a cup. Yeah. We're going to shrink ourselves really small. The World Cup. Yes. A holiday inside the World Cup. Yeah. How exciting. And how about you two? How are you going to drown your sorrows, commiserate your losings? I think we should go on a cruise. All right. Lovely stuff. We'll leave that there. Thank you all for listening so much. Danny, do you have anything? You have been listening to the delightful Danny O'Hara. Danny, do you have anything you'd like to point the audience towards? Yeah. Keep going to Dogface Improf. That's where I perform. And we do lots of lovely things and have a lot of fun. Lovely. Dan. Hello. And Dan Cooper. Hello. Have you anything you'd like to share with the audience?

Play from 44:40 Yes. If you wish to know who I am and what I'm doing, you can go to Blue Sky and type in the name Daniel W. Cooper and you will find me there. And if you wish to see me in person, I will send you my address. And if you are in Scotland in the summer, you can look up the Electro Impro Games. Electro Impro Game Show. I think it's now called. Keep changing its name. And that will also be a thing that I am standing in and you will be there. So come and do that and that will be good. Yeah.

Play from 45:14 And also Becky Everest. Hello. Is there anything you would like to share with the audience?

Play from 45:21 Thank you. And Tom Lorenzo. Yes. First of all, I want to reveal what vrt means. Oh, yeah. Can I give a point away? Yeah. If anyone can work it out. It's a Croatian word. And it means something outside. Does it mean something outside or is it? No. We have to guess that thing that is outside. A shed. No. The dog. Tree. No. Sun. Sky. Danny's closest. Plant. The darkness of the void. Bush. Garden. It means garden. Literally how you say garden is vrt. That's very interesting, but I will be cutting it. Okay.

Play from 45:56 No, I've had a lovely time. I think I'm also going to be going to Edinburgh, which will be really, really fun. Yes. You're going to come play in the Electro Emperor Game Show? Yes. You're going to do that. I do have an Instagram now, a new Instagram, TomLorenzo76, I think. There's 75 other ones. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's my favourite number. Well, thank you all so much. And thank you all for listening. All we have to do now is go over to Matthew for a piece of wisdom. Did you know that household emulsion is quite good for sheds, but it does wash away and thus it's terrible for sheds? Lovely. Just to remind you, the episode has been about holidays. We'll see you next time.

Play from 46:40 Right. Okay. Let's have a break for five or ten minutes and we'll do the next one. Do you think there'll be an increase in holidays following that? Following that.

Play from 46:55 The theme music is Yes I Do by the Melvins. This has been a PodFace production. Yes I Do.

Play from 47:06 Yes I Do. Yes I Do. Yes I Do.

Play from 47:16 Yes I Do. PodFace. PodFace.