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 welcome to idiot wind the panel show that definitely exists we are going to sit here and make noises into a membrane in a microphone that's then going to be traveled across the internet and smash into your ear holes
 on my left i have danny o'hara
 thank you hello hello danielle how are you i'm not bad thank you very much for asking good and joining her is una johnson
 una how's it going it is going good have you had any interesting thoughts in the past week
 i got to engrave the word wifey cake on a heart at the jewelry factory i work at
 which wins the worst nickname of all time
 my husband's got a piece of jewelry that says wifey cake wifey cake and it wasn't a cake oh no
 didn't ice it onto a cake no wow my wife was very grateful for that by the way
 and on my right it's martin westgate
 martin chris things things things and stuff what do you think of them yeah they're i think things are
 better than stuff actually i think what what what why why um more letters in the word and joining him
 is robbie sanderlund hey robster hello what's the word on the street i met a new friend in the
 gentleman's toilets in the train station on the way here this is a true story he was a cleaner
 and he said no no no you can't go in here i've just cleaned and then i gave him a puppy dog look and he
 said ah you can go just don't miss and that's quite a lot of pressure
 um and then he said and don't slip over so it was quite a gauntlet i ran to get here
 here did you then uh piss everywhere and slip over yeah just to show him yeah look at me on the floor
 covered in piss good uh that's the panel um danny and una do you have a team name um yeah you bet
 you do we do i do you bet yeah whatever that saying is uh una i think the word you complete forms yes yes
 so you know and i spent uh hours contemplating how to represent us best and this is uh what we came
 up with denuna
 nice it reminds me of a song from a musical i can't remember is it bugsy
 oh yeah my name is my name is yeah my name is denuna normally i go on to ask oh and why are you
 called that but it's lovely to save time i don't think we need to unless it's not that obvious
 there are many hidden layers but ultimately it is the obvious yeah you two lovely fellas
 have you got a team name oh we do yeah would you like to share it martin oh okay uh we're called
 sherlock and watson nice i think i know which is which okay well we're gonna let you sort of
 the audience guess towards the end really and work out from there oh audience participation look
 forward to that yeah get your thinking hats i'm breaking the fourth wall there's something for you
 lauren's wishing she hadn't bothered to bring that sudoku with her now
 well that's the teams it's denuna versus sherlock and watson the only person
 left to introduce is the lovely matthew
 matthew how are you i am wonderful thank you are you happy with all of your sliders and levels and
 sounds and things most of them yeah am i slightly annoying you are annoying me already yeah that's
 the teams introduced that's matthew introduced the audience is in a fever pitch of frenzy i look at
 them i can barely tell if they're conscious but i'm sure that they are let's do round one
 sort it out
 that's right round one is called sort it out i am now going to give a procedure or problem to these
 panelists to sort out and see if they can indeed do that according to the book teach yourself to be
 charming what is good etiquette for when you are traveling in a car with others i know something
 that isn't good etiquette but it's a really fun game to play when you're in a car if you're going
 over a level crossing you have to make sure no trains coming before you do it but going over a level
 crossing and you're the passenger just go
 really loudly and watch the person next to you jump out of their skin i i do a similar thing actually
 but i wait for the passenger to fall asleep so i'm driving along and then you go over the level
 crossing oh my god and the shit themselves it's brilliant three relationships i've ruined doing
 that whether they're your relationships or other people's whatever's funny that's what they told
 martin anyway yeah i was on the level crossed the line there yeah nice denuna help us here let's get
 back on track um so what you're asking oh god in fairness that one was a sleeper denuna i i like to use
 car journeys as a way to kind of show my availability like you said with your relationships
 so i like to just turn on the indicator to the left so it just points to me repeatedly and that way
 subliminally they know i'm ready and even if you're not turning left even i like to do it randomly
 especially on motorways i think i've driven on motorways that you've been on
 i like the fact that it says what is good etiquette to travel with others i think should make sure
 that others are in the car with you not just in other cars or the outside of the car well this is
 the thing if it was in not in the car if it didn't stipulate that then actually if it was in other
 cars just don't run them over or run into them i think that is good etiquette and always show your teeth
 right but in parts of the world that's just showing off isn't it showing you've got teeth what
 about if you're in a car made from teeth is that the ultimate showing off see a dentist
 and a mechanic at the same time wake up and not eat cheese
 all good answers apart from all of them and now we're just going to go over to matthew and see
 if any of that translates into points matthew what the hell's going on over there mate i think martin
 accidentally stumbled across a point and that was the only person to stumble across any point which
 was just don't go to sleep if you're a passenger right okay what else do we have do you want to
 pick a couple of your choice favorites of uh i like don't throw things out the window yeah which is
 possibly as a result of martin in general uh keep your temper are you saying that to me specifically
 um yeah well fuck on you can slide your own sliders oh i will let's have the scores at the end of round
 one sherlock and watson have one and danuna have none
 wow it comes to something when it's not good etiquette not to run other people down
 i don't know if that's considered manners i think it's like legal well i think if they're not
 meant basic human rights i'm gonna argue but manners can't be polite yes i am
 mainly a polite law don't kill anyone is that politeness i yeah i'm only not killing you out
 of politeness yeah how old shipman wasn't a serial killer he was just quite rude
 that was round one i think we should go on to round two
 that's right round two is called miss prince it's time time for some fake news but unintentional
 fake news not like the evil media machine that's unjustly trying to take down the moderate eloquent
 and level-headed leader of the free world question one for what did the new hampshire newspaper valley
 news apologize for in november 2010 the love of hills
 una admitting they don't actually live in a valley
 and no
 robbie a dip in news no the answer is the previous day they spelt the name of their own newspaper wrong
 at the very top it said valley news spelt with two s's question two what advice can be found in the
 1631 bible by royal printers barker and lucas martin it's all bollocks don't listen to it
 no daniel jesus walked on just walked on just kept going big liverpool fan never stopped but you never walked
 alone that was lovely were you hoping for the word to come to you i was thinking he it's a misprint so
 he walked on farter and then thought farter doesn't mean anything right german for farter well i know
 that but i didn't know if everyone knew that
 vader like darth vader walked on vader jesus walked on vader
 no
 advice in a bible yes is there any already there is a little bit there's some things that
 do kill close half a point for danny
 martin thou shall not leave people outside the car
 no it was in fact thou shalt commit adultery question three penguin australia had to destroy
 7 000 copies of the pasta bible because they suggested adding salt and what to prosciutto and sardine
 tagliatelle una penguin no no martin waiters no robbie cock meaning chicken
 uh no and in fact meaning either way no
 they did in fact suggest people added salt and freshly ground black people
 what they were going for was freshly ground black pepper question four the new york post led the
 front page with the news of the usa soccer team's 1-1 draw with england but what was the headline that
 they went with robbie you almost buzzed i thought you were going to talk about the 1950 world cup when england won
 england lost 1-0 but the newspapers thought it was 10-1 england because they were that favorite to win
 no they so they misprinted it so do i get a point for that it's a different misprint it's up to
 matthew yeah i think so it's a good fact good fact it's not it's not it's not qi
 the headline they went with when england drew 1-1 with england was what any guesses over here
 martin what is football
 uno we're okay
 oh usa win 1-1 yes usa wins 1-1
 why did us weekly magazine have to print an apology after publishing a photo of adult film
 actress ginger lynn allen because she wasn't naked and all the men complained
 no because she's on her own there was no togetherness if it's us
 no because the woman was neither ginger lynn allen or an adult film actress
 question six a church in surrey had a sign printed to address the problem of latecomers but what did it
 advise them to do danny stay at home no robbie find a different religion no danny burn at the stake
 burn at the stake no it advised them they should wait quietly for an usher who will come and eat them
 and that's the end of round two matthew what are the scores looking like mate
 uh we now have three for sherlock and watson oh and a half for denuna
 well we're on the score short that's so awesome we earned that half
 it's like golf the lowest score wins
 it's time for round three local life yes round three is local life where we take on local news stories
 from all over the world which make them not really local news stories but actually global news stories
 but we call it local news because news happens near all of us there might be news happening near una
 right now in fact there is you're never 50 feet away from new news
 i can't see it but we'll try and have a look for it at the end of all right okay danny and una this is
 your question what display did an indonesian visual effects museum set up for visitors to take selfies
 with it's now been taken down due to a public protest well um the display they put up was uh they
 created a device that managed to make everyone in the selfies 10% more attractive and so the people
 on the internet thought hey this place is full of 10% more attractive people and it made it very
 popular but then they found out everyone was lying and they were 10% uglier so it got to be taken down
 oh that's a sad story i thought it would be something maybe more bad taste as in um they had some kind
 of effects a bit like when you go to the universal studios and for some reason you can have a twister
 effect um although it's a bit of a damp squid uh you thought about it still went for the wrong one
 i thought maybe it was some kind of visual effects of natural disasters and you could be seen
 selfie-ing in front of the tidal wave or um in the middle of a hurricane or a twister and maybe there's
 a house flying behind you and you're about to be hit by it i mean it sounds horrible
 as i say that sounds awesome that sounds like the wizard of oz
 uh guys do you have any any ideas about this one uh maybe a lemon tree then just just a lemon just a
 lemon tree and they took it down for public protest yeah because they're not popular indonesia
 no no they're not prove me wrong i haven't got time um okay well excellent suggestions there it was in
 fact a wax work of adolf hitler oh i nearly said nazi war atrocities
 but i was like that i thought that'd be too far no i thought this was a nice you know sort of family
 podcast but no it's really good we've got hitler okay a wax work of hitler against the image of
 ouchwitz oh god
 that's exactly what i was thinking i was like i can't say that okay i'm stepping away from it i
 wasn't thinking that far it was yeah you could go and take selfies at the museum initially defended
 the exhibit as fun and said it was one of the most popular wax works it's not the first time indonesia
 has had problems with this sort of thing a nazi themed cafe opened in the city of bandung where
 waiters wore ss uniforms um good right martin and robbie this is your question what did bank robbers use
 to distract staff in the spanish port city of cartagena what what did what did bank robbers uh
 what did bank robbie and martin martin martin and robbie what did bank robbers use to distract staff
 in the spanish port city of cartagena they asked them to pronounce the name of cartagena why is it
 difficult it's it's it's the g silence martin and robbie did they put on a performance of man and la
 mancha no uh paella how just distract them here's a plate of paella did did they just show what's that
 but in spanish a plate of paella
 a brief history of gibraltar just too soon they didn't really oof auschwitz no no weird threshold
 who knew this would be so political
 did they take him to the plane to prove whether the rain actually did stay there
 uh no delila delula deluna
 uh well originally i thought maybe eric cantina right is there any any reason or you just would think
 i just love the fact that i mean i realize he's french just so you know martin martin's really
 unworried over there but i just love the name cantina and i just think if you said that in spanish you
 know i think that would it would be distracting it would be distracting and then i feel a little bit
 distracted now if i'm honest and then i thought maybe just some um good old flamenco strippers
 i thought maybe the bank robbers dressed up as 11 year old children and kind of smuggled themselves in
 with a school trip and then you know hid guns in their little dora the explorer backpacks
 this is i think this is luna's bank plot you can prove nothing it's very detailed was in fact a dog
 poo one of the suspects dropped the faeces on the floor next to the front door and then got the
 attention of customers and workers while the others raided the bank during the confusion they managed to
 secure the attention of customers and bank employees including the director by shouting things like
 what a disgrace what about the cleaning the person in the director's office was then able to move
 back freely and take everything that had been lying around the bank managers leaving things lying
 around one poo a dog poo i think a real one they didn't use a fake one i mean authenticity it's not
 as good as smuggling guns in a child's backpack but you know they don't have the brains of una there
 unfortunately were they successful yeah they were and that's why i voted brexit the bank
 i mean imagine that around because if the dog drew bankrupt well that's the police force that they've
 got over there i don't nothing to do with it are they not confused by the fact there was no dog
 that was probably what the distraction was looking for the dog we're in a town of no dogs but um
 yeah they successfully got away with uh with with stolen items of value that the bank wouldn't
 disclose because they felt a bit silly about it all really but yeah they think that this this gang
 have been operating in lots of places with varying tactics that's just one of them cat poop yeah
 okay and that brings us to the end of round three matthew what's going on mate well nobody got the
 answers right no but i did give una a point because it was the best idea out of the lot and they need
 a point what's going on we've now got three still for sherlock and watson and one and a half for danuna
 yay it's on to round five let's suppose that you're writing a really important email to a colleague
 now that is ted talks bollocks that's right round five is called ted talks bollocks in this round uh
 we're going to go team by team one of the teams going to be saying things with their mouths and stuff's
 going to come out of their mouths they're going to say things and some of it's going to be true and
 some of it's not going to be true the one that has going to be true has had some time to research
 the things that are going to be true and they're going to say things maybe they're going to make
 it sound like it's not true but it's going to be true because they've researched it so it's true
 the other one will know about it it's just when i say it like you do and they're going to make
 it try and sound like it's true right so that's that's the rules and first to go are danny and una
 matthew how are you there with your timing apparatus uh the timing apparatus is very very
 carefully perched and ready to go lovely stuff okay in that case danny you're going to kick us
 off danny's going to talk about yo-yos yo-yos is danny's subject and danny's 30 seconds on yo-yos
 starts now i love a yo-yo everyone loves a yo-yo and what probably people didn't realize about yo-yos
 was that they weren't supposed to be a toy at the beginning um they were actually part of machinery
 and um but something happened and somebody got hold of it and it turned out to be something that
 people were playing with whilst um they were in the factory and they've only been around since the
 industrialization which i think is something else that probably people didn't realize um most kids
 had a yo-yo as time went on first of all obviously it was a rich person's presence
 was she winging it or not we'll have we'll get you two to um to give your verdicts in a minute but
 before that we're going to hear una talk about frisbee she's going to talk about frisbee that's in a
 subject frisbee and she's going to talk for 30 seconds right now frisbees were first invented when
 students at yale university used to throw cake tins at each other and see how far they could get them
 to go and the person who first found the frisbee was on a beach with his wife and someone came up to
 him and said i'll give you money for your cake tin and um he was like all right i can sell these and um
 they've been they've been popular ever since they're aerodynamic discs
 who do you think had not pre-heard their subject i i fought for a little while una but then she
 timed it perfectly with the end wasn't the aerodynamic disc might have been uh you know
 she might have rehearsed it to a timer to 30 seconds maybe she's got a natural sense of timing
 dany's well known for talking bollocks so i i but this has come up in previous weeks but yeah i've
 listened to the episode before um that's who the one listener is yeah but so i think dany was winging
 it that's because she's got that skill set both picked out particular bits with their items though
 yeah someone's done a good job so the team the team decision who is talking bollocks
 you're pretty certain it's danny danny yeah let's go down yeah why are you talking bollocks
 i was she was no no no no no facts at all about the yo-yo they were good though i wish i wish
 i wish they were plausible yeah good stuff all right let's reverse the roles martin you're up first
 for team uh for your team sherlock and watson uh and your subject is salad cream salad cream is martin's
 subject martin is going to speak for 30 seconds on salad cream and his time starts now so salad
 cream is a creamy almost yellowy substance um i believe oh um 20 to 50 percent oil to water ratio or
 something like that um i may have read that before i don't know um some people use on sandwiches some
 people just drink it from the bottle apparently um that's a thing uh hinds hinds are a company that
 producers lovely star thank you martin stay entertaining 30 seconds on salad cream uh rob it's your turn
 you are now going to be speaking about michelin stars robbie's going to be speaking about michelin
 stars and he has 30 seconds to speak about that subject and his time starts now michelin stars are
 awarded to restaurants based on the quality of the food they prepare so four star i think it goes up to
 four stars is the best the restaurant can get and people like gordon ramsay will have a few restaurants
 that have four michelin stars uh my restaurant only has one michelin star but that's enough for me
 that's quite enough i think you know for a little restaurant that i run um michelin stars are it's
 not to do with the michelin man he did not oh i thought michelin stars were where the michelin man
 liked to eat but he just basically eats tires so he's not helpful at all um right you two
 danuna danu well i have a few thoughts on there soon i don't know what you think but first start the
 michelin man is related to the michelin star because it's the michelin tire that set that up so by default
 michelin man would be i mean not that there's a picture on the window
 his uncle well that's it see there we go or just a cousin maybe um what were your thoughts well um i
 thought uh robs was mostly personal opinion on it and his what seems to be failing restaurant
 so which he probably doesn't have a mention was it a clever but i felt martin was maybe really
 playing the i don't know anything about it as if he doesn't drink it from the bottle which we all
 yeah no we don't all do that you know i'm gonna have to push you for an answer here uh which one
 of these two do you think was talking bollocks well this one here you can't even remember his name
 robbie robbie robbie you think robbie was talking yeah robbie were you talking bollocks yes yeah
 yes he was right well done
 matthew let's see how that affects the scores what's what's the scores looking like mr
 score person man both teams got a point there so it's five to sherlock and watson and two and a
 half to danuna well it's all to play for there's lots of points available going into the last round
 um it's back on the buzzers so if you'd like to grab your buzzers teams
 questions yes round six is questions i'm going to ask some questions question one how many atoms are
 there in the observable universe danny a lot yes any more specific uh una more than five yes okay
 half a point to this team more than six and a half a point to robbie as well more than seven no minus
 one to martin um there are in fact between 10 to the 78 and 10 to the 52 i would have accepted between
 10 quadrillion vintillion and 100 000 quadrillion vintillion question two what is this song
 danny no robbie africa toto yes points to robbie uh what's a boy to do danny oh no i can't see that
 on radio it's not radio robbie play with his sliders on his own una sing africa
 quite possibly that's what i do on my own with your sliders with my sliders point point to una
 it's hush money um question four what's a girl to do martin oh i can't say that on radio
 question five who is this
 danny a drunk bee on a window outside no
 it's matt no it was in fact tom jones oh sorry who was it matthew it was tom
 jones what is the standard uk toilet bowl size robbie not enough for some
 that is true martin uh about a third of an inch
 35 centimeters no una 40.75 centimeters you're within five centimeters i'm going to give you a
 point for that robbie only talking circumference or diameter um i don't know let's just give even a
 point and move on 440 mil by 490 mil who was known as the mad king danny king george
 no king george the third no it was aries targaryen yes okay point to robbie who's this i'm totally
 miserable and self-conscious but because i'm english and polite i can't say that
 robbie nigel farage nope
 una my inner monologue
 not quite possibly but no let's have an angel farage is in a monologue no i think that's una's voice
 matthew let's have it again i'm totally miserable and self-conscious but because
 and english and polite i can't say that no danny theresa may is in a monologue
 was in fact hugh grant um yes indeed the audience is astonished
 where is the biggest mountain in the solar system
 that's right it's mars and what did matthew have for breakfast today
 danny shreddies no no trick question nothing yes yeah points to robbie
 we are now at the end of the quiz that was the final round uh matthew what are the what
 are the final scores mate i'm sure everybody is knows exactly what's happened but let's have them
 anyway well there's only a point in it no i would i would say if there was only a point in it
 yeah in fact it's only only two points in it but sherlock and watson win with seven and a half
 and danuna trail with five and a half oh well done thanks everyone who came in which thank
 you for downloading and listening remember if you like this then tell your friends subscribe to us
 on itunes or wherever you get your podcasts or you can find all of the information at idiotwindpodcast.com
 all that remains for me to do is thank our panelists for being here today let's hear it for
 for martin westgate for robbie sammlung for una johnson
 danny o'hara i've been christy thank you for listening to idiotwind
 if you enjoyed the show then help us to make series two by supporting us at patreon.com
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