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 Welcome, welcome, welcome to Idiot Wind, the panel show made for idiots by idiots.
 So here we are back in these wonderful surroundings of this 12th century undercroft with another batch of idiots and a lovely audience who have biscuits.
 Russell the biscuits, John.
 There we go. Keep an ear out for that sound.
 That'll be someone having a biscuit.
 Right, send a postcard in with the number of biscuits that you notice being consumed during the show.
 Let's meet the teams.
 On my left, I am delighted to welcome Danny O'Hara and Catherine Frost.
 Yay!
 Hello.
 Hey Danny, how are you doing?
 I'm good, thank you very much, Chris.
 Good, lovely to see you here. Are you excited to be back?
 I'm excited.
 Catherine, how are you doing?
 I'm doing great, yes. Yes, I'm very excited to be here tonight.
 Yeah, Idiot Wind debut. Are you excited to have you here?
 I hear that you have both a team mascot and a team name. Which would you like to tell us about first?
 We are called We Forgot the Squirrel.
 I meant, I've been meaning to ask actually, where's the squirrel?
 Well, we forgot it.
 Al, would you like to expand?
 Well...
 I mean, not actually expand, expand on that.
 The squirrel was, the squirrel was going to be our team mascot, but then as I was leaving the house, I realised, shit, I've forgotten the squirrel.
 The squirrel, it's not a live squirrel, it's a nutcracker in the shape of a squirrel.
 And I was about to say my dad won it at the village bingo, but that's not true. He didn't win it.
 He drunkenly went up to the lady who did win it and asked her for it.
 He stole a squirrel nutcracker, asked her, I'm doing air quotes, asked her with his hand in her handbag while she was in the ladies.
 Is that how it went? If I know your dad, which I think I bloody do, I actually don't. Did he steal it?
 Yeah, you've never met him. No, he did not.
 You've never met him?
 He did ask her. It was a bit of a, oh wow, I love you squirrel.
 That was...
 We've all had those moments.
 Yeah, so instead we brought along a kazoo.
 Lovely. It's vibrant orange.
 And you've actually brought it, which is a surprise.
 Would you like to give us a quick toot?
 Thank you. Let's hear it for Katana kazoo.
 Beautifully playing there, the Squirrel National Anthem. How perfect.
 So your team is called?
 We Forgot the Squirrel.
 Ladies and gentlemen, We Forgot the Squirrel!
 And also on my left, because I'm sitting in a different position this month.
 Can you hear the difference?
 I have the lovely Khan Johnson and the equally lovely Steve Bollocks.
 No, that's not his surname.
 And also on my left, because I'm in a new position this season,
 we have the lovely Khan Johnson and the highly talented professional Steve Keyworth.
 We're still talking about the team name.
 Look, look, look.
 Let's just clear this up now.
 We are the Khan Keyworth Club.
 With a K, because we thought...
 Club with a K.
 Because it's cool.
 Or it's the Keyworth Khan Club.
 No, that's not funny, it doesn't work.
 But it's, you know, K, K, and then Club with a K.
 Yeah.
 Yeah.
 Yeah.
 The Khan Keyworth Club.
 It's just catchy.
 It's cool.
 No one's ever come up with a 3K thing before.
 It's going to be absolutely brilliant.
 Can I just say, Khan, lovely white hat you've got on tonight.
 Why, thank you very much.
 Let's hear it for the KKK.
 That is a sentence I have never said before.
 Right.
 Okay.
 They're the players.
 I am a person.
 And there's one other entity in the room.
 Actually, there's more, but we're not going to introduce all of the audience by name.
 Although we could.
 And it's time to introduce that entity known as Matthew.
 Hello, Matthew.
 Hello.
 Let's hear it for Matthew.
 Matthew.
 Good evening.
 How have you been doing?
 What have you been up to since we last were here doing this?
 Don't try that with me, Chris.
 You know what I've been doing.
 Yes, but you haven't been doing it well enough.
 You locked me away with the equipment and I've been stuck in an undercroft for however many months it's been.
 You could have done with some more air holes, to be honest.
 Yeah, you're looking a bit blue.
 Take a little breather because you know what?
 Come 9.30, you're going back in the box, mate.
 Let's get on with round one.
 Sort it out.
 Yes, round one is called sort it out.
 I have here something to pose to our teams.
 And they are going to have to quite literally sort it out.
 Except they won't have to quite literally sort it out.
 They'll have to figuratively sort it out.
 Teams, are you ready for question one?
 Can you sort this out?
 According to the 1860 book, The Gentleman's Book of Etiquette and Manual of Politeness,
 what is the correct behaviour for a gentleman when out and about?
 Steve.
 If you are a gentleman and you're out, then the correct thing to do is to put it back in again and zip up.
 I think if we've learned anything this year, it's that.
 Well, what's happened this year?
 Oh, yes, I've remembered everything now.
 I couldn't think what you were alluding to.
 And then I remembered all of it.
 By the way, you might want to just sort that out.
 No, sorry.
 Sorry about that.
 There we go.
 Put the mouse back in the house, Steve.
 It is cold in here.
 Steve.
 Okay.
 Skan, any thoughts?
 Oh, me.
 Yeah, why not?
 I mean, the first thing to remember is, of course, that in, when we were talking, 1860, you weren't actually allowed to be out.
 That was very much banned.
 But one of the things in the book that was very crucial was you're not allowed to tip urchins.
 Was that a popular pastime?
 Not so much, no.
 Urchin tipping?
 Well, kind of like cow tipping, but there were more urchins around.
 Do urchins similarly struggle to self-right themselves?
 Urchins cannot go back up again.
 It's quite sad to see an urchin just flapping around in the gut.
 Yeah, like if sheep fall, if sheep are upside down, go and tip them over because either stomach acid will build up and their stomachs explode or a crow will come down and peck out their stomach.
 So turn sheep back over and urchins.
 Yes.
 Although, of course, if you're a famous character in The Archers, you shouldn't go around tipping sheep over because it kills you.
 I don't know what that means.
 Danny?
 No.
 Archers reference.
 I think it was Dan Archer.
 The last thing he did as a character was tip a sheep over.
 And then a crow came down and pecked his stomach out.
 Yeah.
 Or did the sheep come for him?
 I think there was a sheep and a chainsaw.
 Right.
 I wasn't really listening to him at that time.
 Probably the chainsaw that killed him, right?
 The Archers was around in 1860.
 That's when it started.
 I mean, obviously, back then, it was before North Street Corners.
 Oh.
 Occasionally written to the odd wax cylinder.
 Yes.
 Yes.
 Good stuff.
 What about over there, Mr.
 Mrs.?
 Let me try that again.
 How about over there, squirrel people?
 Okay.
 So what I thought was, I seem to remember it being that when out and about, you should always carry a pair of relatively soft-soled shoes.
 So that when you inevitably kick some lovable street ragamuffin, like not tip over, not tip over.
 Just a light kick.
 Yes.
 Just a light kick.
 Yeah.
 You don't want to damage their internal organs because you would lose a valuable, that would create a massive dent in the chimney sweep market.
 That's a very good point.
 Yeah.
 I've heard it's okay to kick them in the face.
 Usually.
 Yeah.
 Only the face?
 Just the face.
 It's the opposite of usual.
 It's an urchin.
 Because it's an urchin.
 The face is their least valuable part.
 Yeah.
 What's the most valuable part of an urchin, Steve?
 Their cap.
 Danny?
 Yeah.
 What are your thoughts on this question?
 Well, I'm going to be honest.
 I think in the 1860s, I would neither have been able to read or know too many gentlemen, if I'm honest.
 So I think I'm going back to what my dad would have said.
 And he would say, there's a couple of things my dad taught me.
 And I think they probably stem back to that era.
 Oh, okay.
 Don't do a Jimmy Riddle in front of a lady.
 That's a big one.
 And also, don't look at any other one's bird.
 I mean, they're what my dad pretty much said is the way a gentleman, like that's a gent's behaviour.
 The two bits of advice your dad gave your brothers.
 There was a couple of others.
 Sat down and had the chat and said, don't do a Jimmy Riddle in the street.
 Don't look at someone else's bird.
 Off you go.
 You're a man now.
 Well, there's the thing about spitting and pony and traps, but.
 Don't or do?
 Don't.
 Right.
 In front of a lady.
 Right.
 Okay.
 It's mostly lady based.
 It is.
 I know.
 Yeah.
 When you think about it, my dad was a gent.
 I am thinking about it.
 I'm struggling with that, knowing your dad.
 He's lovely.
 He's a gentleman.
 He's a lovely man.
 Anyone else?
 Any more thoughts about advice for gentlemen when they're out and about in the street?
 I've heard that you've got to wear the right cravat.
 If you, I think it's the colour.
 If you wear the wrong colour, then you might get into a gang fight and they're going to cut you.
 So, I think it's like the Oxford are the cribs and Cambridge are the sharks.
 And there's a kind of boat attack element as well.
 So, don't wear the wrong cravat.
 I never knew wearing a cravat could be so dangerous.
 Walking down the street with the wrong cravat and someone attacks you with a boat.
 Yeah.
 Actually, along the same line, do you also have to wear your bowler hat at the right jaunty angle?
 You can have your bowler hat on back to front.
 That's cool.
 But if you have it on the wrong way, then someone will stab you.
 Did Victorian rappers wear their bowler hats back to front?
 Of course.
 Banker, rapper.
 Yeah.
 How else can you tell the difference?
 How about...
 Oh, sorry.
 Just ask Jacob Rees-Mogg.
 Oh, yeah.
 He's got all this.
 He's probably got this on his library.
 Is he a banker?
 He's a Victorian.
 He's a...
 Well, it rhymes.
 Oh, right.
 It rhymes.
 It very much rhymes.
 I'd heard it yelled at him, but I didn't quite catch what they said.
 Well, let's go over to Matthew and see if anyone scored any bloody points.
 Well, sort of.
 That sounds like, um, no.
 Correct.
 I have awarded a point.
 Somebody said something about something which was close, and so I gave a point.
 Okay.
 What was that?
 I can't remember.
 Matthew, as ever.
 Sharp as a tack.
 Um, I know that Danny mentioned ladies, and ladies are...
 Well, they were around in 1860, so there's a point there.
 I'll take that.
 Thank you.
 Ladies feature quite prominently in a lot of the actual answers, don't they?
 I thought she was in the right kind of territory.
 Most of them are about ladies.
 None of them about whittling in front of them, so maybe that was allowed.
 Um, and something that Steve said was also close.
 Uh, do you remember what that was?
 Steve, can you just go over everything you said?
 Uh, don't get your penis out.
 Uh, cravats.
 Yeah, cravats.
 Whilst it's not mentioned in there, it definitely would have been frowned upon.
 Okay, let's have a couple of your favourite from the answers.
 I like how long-winded some of them are.
 We like how long-winded you are.
 Why, thank you.
 Uh, you may bow to a lady who is seated at a window.
 If you are in the street, but you must not bow from a window to a lady in the street.
 Like some sort of odd Victorian riddle, isn't it?
 I remember that.
 Did your dad tell you that?
 I remember that now, Dad said.
 Whilst doing a Jimmy Riddle?
 No, are we? I'm a lady.
 You're allowed to do a Jimmy Riddle at a lady sitting in a window, but not the other way around.
 So, presumably, if you're having a Jimmy Riddle by a window, and the lady's at the side,
 you have to bow at the same time.
 And doff your cap.
 Well, yeah, naturally, make sure the cravats are the right colour.
 Depending on how supple you are, you're going to get a wet face.
 Let's move on.
 So, the score's at the end of round one, Matthew?
 One point to each team.
 One point to each team!
 As sure as bacon follows eggs, round two follows round one.
 That was it, Matthew.
 Yes, round two is heroic failures.
 This is on the buzzers team.
 I'm now going to ask you five questions involving some of the most heroic failures of all time.
 Okay, question one.
 How many driving lessons did Sue Evan Jones from Bristol have before she passed her test?
 Steve?
 All of them.
 No.
 Khan?
 Seven hundred and forty-four.
 No.
 Danny?
 Eight hundred and fifty-three.
 No.
 Higher, higher.
 Khan?
 I'd just like to point out that as a vegan, bacon doesn't follow eggs.
 Good point.
 The point to Khan.
 Fourteen hundred and fifty-three.
 No.
 I feel like we have to stop this at some point.
 Catherine, would you like to have a guess?
 One thousand and three hundred and sixty-two.
 Oh, no.
 It was, in fact, eighteen hundred.
 She had one thousand and eight hundred driving lessons up over twenty-seven years, costing a grand total of twenty-thousand pounds.
 In fact, her final instructor took her on as his only client and didn't charge her and just taught her full-time until she passed because he just felt it was the challenge of his career.
 But she eventually did it after twenty-seven years.
 OK, question two.
 What was the score when the Stade Olympic...
 Oh, God, French.
 What was the score when the Stade Olympic let him in played their rivals, AS Adima, in Madagascar in 2002?
 What was the score?
 Khan?
 Fourteen punts to twelve.
 No.
 This is a football match.
 Danny?
 Seventeen to one.
 So I went horse racing.
 That was the odds.
 Seventeen-one?
 No.
 Steve?
 Forty all?
 No.
 Catherine?
 Twelve zero?
 No, it was, in fact, 149-nil.
 All of them were, in fact, own goals as well.
 What happened was that AS Adima decided to protest the performance of a referee in their previous match.
 So they kicked off and every time the ball was in play, they just ran straight to their goal and put it in the net.
 And they did that for the entire 90 minutes.
 That's the biggest ever football victory.
 149-nil.
 Gosh, I...
 Yeah, I feel like...
 You feel like Arsenal have been there or thereabouts.
 I was going to say, as an Arsenal fan, I wouldn't mind that happening.
 We'll take anything.
 Yeah.
 It's not the last time Norwich made a report at Christmas.
 Yeah.
 Question three.
 Minus one to con.
 Question three.
 What happened when the Empty Space Theatre Company took their show A Parable of the Blind to the Edinburgh Festival in 1998?
 No one saw it.
 It's right!
 Give him points!
 They did the entire run of four weeks and nobody came to see the production.
 They handed out free tickets, but even the people with free tickets didn't come.
 Two people with free tickets did turn up for one performance, but were ushered into the wrong show accidentally.
 Oh, man.
 I thought Steve, as in...
 Well, me and Danny are going to Edinburgh this year.
 It's a terrifying question to have, quite frankly.
 You have done Edinburgh a few times, Steve.
 Yeah, I have.
 I've done it to...
 I've performed to one person.
 Right.
 I've done sold-out rooms, of course.
 But, yeah, one year it was one person, five Japanese people, my ex-girlfriend crying at the back.
 Because the show was that bad?
 No.
 Well, she just dumped me.
 So, I felt it was very unsporting for her to come and then cry while I held it together and did a hilarious one-hour show.
 To one person?
 Just kind of...
 Well, there was a few people, possibly Japanese, in the middle and then her weeping at the back.
 She dumped you, then came to your show and sat at the back crying.
 Yeah.
 My God.
 Was she crying because you weren't upset?
 I don't know.
 Well, no, I was upset.
 But, you know, I'm a professional.
 The show must go on.
 Also, I owed a lot of money.
 She was just probably crying because you were so goddamn funny.
 I just wonder, and I know this might be bad taste, but did anyone tell the actors that no one was in the audience?
 Or did they, after about week two, say, yay?
 I'm not sure the actors were blind.
 Oh, I thought you said that they were blind.
 The piece was called A Parable of the Blind.
 Do you want to hear the description in the programme for the show?
 Yes, please.
 Blind, blissful, medieval figures dance toward Brugal's inevitable ditch, while in a mythical east, goldfish have their eyes plucked out in order to sing better.
 And no one turned up?
 Wow, I want to see that show.
 This just sounds familiar.
 I've done a lot of festivals.
 I feel like I may have taken one of those flyers.
 I think you were in the show.
 Somebody painted some Japanese people on a piece of cardboard and sat them in the audience.
 And it was the promoter crying.
 All right, question four.
 How did lawyer Sir Harold Castle become famous at a Bow Street trial in the 1950s?
 Remember, this is heroic failures.
 Steve.
 Well, he lost then.
 He lost really badly.
 He lost more than any lawyer can lose.
 That's half the answer.
 Anyone else?
 Khan?
 He found himself guilty.
 Almost.
 Someone?
 Catherine?
 Did he successfully get his client off the hook but die in the process?
 No.
 It's a good guess.
 Danny?
 Well, he proved that his client actually did it.
 Yes.
 I'm going to give half a point to Khan and half a point to Danny.
 OK, so the answer was that he was both the prosecution and the defence lawyer.
 He was initially prosecuting a man for stealing a motorbike.
 And he made a pretty convincing case.
 He then discovered the accused had no defence lawyer, offered his services, destroyed his own arguments and got the man off.
 At the end of the trial, the magistrate commented that both counsels had been most helpful.
 OK, question five.
 What was in a suspicious package that was detonated by a bomb disposal team outside the Territorial Army Centre in Bristol in 1992?
 Danny.
 Haribo.
 No.
 Can't.
 Was it my mate's lunchbox?
 No.
 No.
 Catherine?
 Was it like a, was it just a very elaborate version of that prank where you put a bag of shit outside someone's door and set it on fire?
 It was not, I'm afraid.
 Steve?
 Was it like one of those fake birthday cakes with somebody inside?
 We're going to jump out.
 Do you think that I would use such a thing on a comedy?
 I would, I would, but it's not that.
 No, it was detonated and it in fact contained a delivery of leaflets explaining how to identify suspicious packages.
 So, with that brings us to the end of round two.
 Matthew, I hope you're keeping track of points there.
 Oh, is that my job?
 Amongst other things.
 Well, no, we did have points there.
 We now have a team in the lead and it is the KKK in the lead, weirdly.
 We're three and a half to We Forgot the Squirrel and the points at one and a half.
 Woo!
 Yeah!
 Time out.
 Oh, man, one of our teams is called the KKK.
 I feel like as a member of the KKK, I don't want to really say that out loud.
 Oh, my God.
 I'm sort of rooting for the other team now, if that's it.
 Yeah, right.
 Perhaps we ought to re-spell one of our names with a C to get around this problem.
 Yeah.
 Key worth, maybe?
 No, no, no, that stays as a K.
 In fact, it's already got three Ks in it.
 Two of them are silent.
 That's very true, very true.
 I can't change mine because it's our legal thing.
 No, we're stuck with it.
 In that case, it's on the round three.
 Oh, hello.
 I'm just going to interrupt myself for a minute to tell you about this way that you can support
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 It's beer52.com forward slash idiotwind.
 Back to the podcast.
 That's right, round three is called Oral Eye, Oral Eye, Oral Eye, Oral Eye, Oral Eye, Oral Eye, Oral Eye.
 In this round, our team's going to hear some audio clips through their bloody ears,
 and there will be a question before, or maybe after each one, but not during.
 Question one goes to Danny and Catherine.
 Listen to this Radio Stoke DJ having a lovely time.
 For the last time on lunchtime, let's say you pick the music.
 Oh, yeah.
 Played that for me dad when he was 60.
 Riley's, which is now a co-op at the top of Smallsorn.
 It's a P-A-R-T-Y, because I said so.
 18 pounds, I know.
 But 18, I've never put, apart from one week, I've put it on.
 18 pounds.
 In the last four months, I am so happy.
 Hey!
 Yeah, hey.
 Perfect day.
 Perfect day, my various artists.
 Obviously, it's 25 minutes to two.
 Good afternoon.
 Unfortunately, Paula's not feeling quite well, so she's gone home.
 So unfortunately, or fortunately, as the case may be, you've got me till four o'clock.
 Okay, so what was going on with Paula?
 Well, I mean, I think Paula went out to lunch before she went in and celebrated a 18 pounds
 loss with Slimming World with a bottle or two.
 Or three.
 Or three.
 Of bubbly, frankly.
 Bubbly.
 I think it's more of a cider drinking.
 Yeah, the song.
 I took my Zaza, but it's the Riley's now.
 Yeah, so that's good.
 The liquid lunch is correct for one point, but you haven't quite got the reason.
 Why?
 What was she celebrating or drowning her sorrows about?
 Oh, was it her dad's 60th birthday?
 No, it was in fact that that was her final show she was leaving.
 So she went out in style there by getting a taxi home earlier than at the end of her shift.
 For a bonus point, how long did she last on air before that chap came and took over?
 Well, I think two songs, frankly.
 Yes, two songs.
 So about eight, seven and a half minutes, maybe?
 I mean, she wasn't on air all that time because the song was.
 No, no, no.
 So maybe a minute and a half of her, actually.
 So eight minutes, including the songs?
 Yeah, eight minutes.
 It was, in fact, 30 minutes, which I still think is a ridiculously long amount of time
 for someone in that state.
 Do you imagine this all sitting behind the glass going, we've got to do something?
 It's her last day, though.
 We've got to say, go on, let's take her off.
 Who took her to lunch?
 Were you at lunch with her?
 I think it possibly proves that not even the people at the station listen to her show.
 Yeah.
 OK, let's move on to a question for Steve and Khan.
 Listen to this clip from an awkward interview.
 And then you're back in July.
 You're getting about a bit on this tour.
 Yes, I'm the emcee on Sunday.
 I'm introducing other people.
 Who are you introducing?
 I don't know.
 I haven't had the running order yet.
 So you're well?
 Who are you talking to now?
 I'm talking to you.
 Are you well?
 Oh, you asked me that.
 Yes, I'm fine.
 Are you?
 I'm still fine.
 Still fine?
 Since you last asked me, yes?
 No, no, no, I'm just checking.
 Because you still like your drink, you still like your booze, don't you?
 I like a drink, yes.
 He's painting a lovely picture of me.
 Well, it's an accurate one, though, isn't it?
 What is accurate about it?
 About drinking.
 You're not one of these PCs, I can't have a drink, I can't have a cigarette, I'm just going to get on with life.
 I like that.
 Yes.
 Yeah?
 That's all right, isn't it?
 Yes.
 Why are you being so shy about it?
 Sorry?
 Why are you being so shy about it?
 Shy about what?
 Okay, Stephen Kahn.
 Who was having their patients tested there?
 Was that Barry Cryer?
 That was Barry Cryer.
 Yeah, that's worth a point.
 And for a bonus point, Barry Cryer, of course, this is almost like a proper fucking quiz.
 Don't worry, we'll get back to knob gags in a minute.
 For a bonus point, Barry Cryer is obviously well known for Sorry I Haven't a Clue.
 What year did I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue first broadcast?
 Oh, hang on, I know this.
 It's 1744.
 Bonus point to go on.
 It's mentioned in the Gentleman's Book of Ethics.
 It is, it is.
 Yeah, yeah.
 Does it mention anything about not doing a Jimmy Riddle while listening to...
 Sorry?
 The rules of Mornington Crescent are actually in the 1860 book.
 It was, in fact, 1972.
 I'd quite like to hear those two ladies interviewing each other.
 Those two representatives.
 What, Paula?
 What is that?
 You like a drink?
 No!
 What gives you that impression?
 I like a case of wine.
 Alright, Danny and Catherine, listen to this incredible piece of acting.
 What goes on in this town is none of your business.
 As long as I'm living here, it is.
 Then maybe you shouldn't be living here!
 Well, that's easily fixed.
 So, the question is simple.
 Who portrayed the incredible Mr Shouty there?
 Was that Michael Gamble?
 Well, hang on.
 Let's chat about this before we...
 It was not.
 Danny, you can answer as well if you want.
 Yes, I think it's more 007 of the 1890s period.
 Maybe you shouldn't be living here!
 That's how you act, I'm telling you.
 I believe, yeah, so...
 Piers.
 Piers.
 It's Piers.
 Piers.
 Mr...
 Oh, is it...
 What's his name?
 Piers Bronson?
 No.
 Oh!
 I'll give you the points for that.
 It's Piers Brosnan.
 Yeah, so hold on.
 You can have a point for that.
 Mr Bronson.
 Mr Bronson was in Grange Hill.
 Oh!
 Don't know.
 Yeah, Piers Brosnan.
 I love that.
 It's true.
 It's from the film Taffin, and it's a entirely shit film apart from that one scene, which is extraordinary.
 I thought that was Mamma Mia.
 That is pretty much how he sings in Mamma Mia.
 Mamma Mia!
 Zephy says, I love you!
 Zephy's so nice.
 Well, maybe I should be the mother of... the father of your...
 Oh, fuck that up.
 I haven't even seen the film, I'm just trying to join in.
 Stephen Kahn, who's this wanker off the telly?
 Eerie is that wanker off the telly.
 Let's have it again.
 Eerie is that wanker off the telly.
 As in, who is the wanker on the telly that they're referring to, or who is the guy saying
 the wanker on the telly?
 He's referring to himself.
 Do you want to hear it again?
 I do.
 Let's hear it again.
 Eerie is that wanker off the telly.
 It sounds like Eric Idle being a boy.
 Oh, again?
 Well, I've got no idea.
 I was thinking, maybe they're northern, but I haven't really narrowed it down from there.
 Yeah, it's a point to Steve!
 Is it Eric Sykes?
 It's not, ladies.
 Any guesses over there?
 I'm going to be honest, I think it's performer time.
 Oh, great.
 Unless it's a CBBC presenter.
 I clearly wouldn't know either, I mean.
 Oh, she's given me a clue.
 It's Andy Peters.
 I think, is it, what's his name?
 Des.
 Who married...
 Des Lynham?
 No.
 Des O'Connor.
 No?
 Des, Desmond de Barber.
 Amanda Holden's previous husband.
 Oh, Les Dennis.
 Oh, Les Dennis.
 No, no, it's not.
 It was, in fact, the late, great Keith Tegwin.
 Hang on, what?
 Keith Tegwin.
 When did he die?
 He died.
 Yeah, he died.
 Oh, mate, sorry to break the news tonight.
 Oh, he did, didn't he?
 Yeah, yeah.
 She did say children's TV.
 She did.
 Yes.
 I did.
 Should we get half a point?
 No.
 Oh.
 Sorry, the words we were looking for there were Keith and Tegwin.
 Not children's and TV.
 What vague genre is this person from?
 No.
 No, I'm not having it.
 All right, give her a point.
 Yay.
 And he also did naked television as well.
 Is he really a children's?
 He did do naked television.
 Can we not bring that up again?
 I've just about managed to suppress the memory.
 If you haven't seen that, go and Google that and have a look at Keith Tegwin's Willie.
 Okay, Danny and Catherine.
 What iconic musician is this?
 Got a place we can go.
 Lights in love.
 Let me show you to my dark room.
 Come on, come along with me to my dark room.
 Got a place.
 Any ideas?
 Well, it's iconic.
 So, I think it might be Paul McCartney.
 Oh, okay.
 I was going more, what's his name out in John?
 I'm going to push you for an answer.
 And I think Catherine should answer.
 Yeah.
 Oh, right.
 Okay.
 And I'll play some Paul McCartney.
 Yes, it's Paul McCartney.
 Well done.
 Have a point.
 Yay.
 Good work.
 Nicely done.
 It's a track called Dark Room and it was released in, I don't know, the 70s.
 It turns out Paul McCartney invented drum and bass.
 So, he did do something good after all.
 Stephen Kahn.
 Stephen Kahn.
 Sorry, sorry.
 I apologise.
 The frog chorus was perfectly fine.
 Stephen Kahn, which I...
 I've turned into Hugh Grant.
 I, I, I, I, I...
 Which iconic TV star is this?
 Love me tender, love me long, take me to your hearts, for it's there that I belong, and we'll never part.
 And it's stopped now.
 We've got it.
 Give him, stop it.
 You must listen to all of it.
 Steve, did you, I'm not sure if they would have got that over the music.
 That was Roland Rats.
 It was indeed Roland Rats.
 Let's never, ever hear it again.
 Did he say love me long at one point?
 Is that, that sounds a bit suspicious for it.
 Good, that brings us to the end of round three.
 Let's move on to round four.
 It's the Wheel of Things.
 Yes, round four is the Wheel of Things.
 Each week, one of our contestants will spin the big wheel, and that will decide which game is played.
 We spun a slightly smaller wheel earlier to decide who would spin the big wheel.
 It came up Kahn, so Kahn, if you could step up to the wheel and give it a good old spin, mate.
 Have you seen the size of this thing?
 Go on, put your back into it.
 Have you taken the brake off?
 All right, go for it.
 Okay, that's landed on the scribe-o-word.
 Each team are going to get two minutes to convey up to six things to their teammates.
 Each team are going to get two minutes to convey up to six things to their teammates using only their verbal dexterity.
 They cannot say any of the words on the cards or use mime or facial expressions.
 Clues get harder as time goes on.
 If anyone gets all six, I will eat my shoes.
 You're not allowed to pass at all.
 Don't ever pass.
 Don't even think about passing.
 I mean, you can think about it.
 I find that very hard to police if I try to think about whatever you want.
 Minus one to Kahn.
 Okay.
 And the first team to go are going to be Steve and Kahn.
 Steve is going to be doing the reading to Kahn.
 The reading.
 We're not at a funeral.
 Is it a bedtime story?
 Yeah.
 So, Matthew, do you have two minutes on the clock?
 Matthew, do you have a clock?
 Matthew, can you quickly find a clock?
 I've got a clock.
 Or build one.
 All right.
 Okay, you've got two minutes on the clock.
 Steve, there's six for you to get through if you possibly can.
 Too easy?
 Too medium?
 Too very hard indeed.
 You're just giving clues to Kahn.
 And Kahn, you're guessing.
 All right.
 And when you're ready, off you go.
 Swims in the sea, good with chips.
 Crabs.
 It's more common than crabs.
 Pubic lice.
 Oh, no.
 Rhymes with wish.
 Yes.
 This is what you do with a...
 You take these with a camera.
 Dick pics.
 No, no.
 Yeah, think of other people in the world,
 apart from your own twisted self.
 It was.
 Oh, selfies.
 No, no.
 Pictures in general.
 Anything.
 Pictures in general, yes.
 Pictures in general, yes.
 Yeah, yeah.
 Oh, actress has won Oscars.
 She was...
 There's Lydam.
 No.
 Rhymes with Bennifer.
 Was she in that horrendous shit from Red Sparrow?
 The one with the alcoholic.
 There's a...
 Jennifer Lawrence.
 Yes.
 Yes.
 Oh, happens at Christmas.
 It's a show.
 Oh, no, it isn't.
 Arguments with my family.
 Oh, yes, it is.
 What a pantomime.
 Have a horse.
 Yeah, yeah, cool.
 On to the hard ones now.
 Oh, right.
 Okay.
 You'll watch...
 No.
 It's Gene Hackman.
 He's on the boat.
 He's trying to get everybody out.
 He's a priest.
 He's conflicted.
 It's upside down.
 He's got to get everybody out.
 Gene Hackman on a boat?
 Yes.
 It's a film.
 Italian job.
 It's a...
 No.
 It's a wetter than that.
 Titanic.
 No, he's a god, if you're into that stuff.
 The god of the...
 Poseidon Adventure.
 Yes.
 And you are experiencing it with people who are...
 You...
 Poseidon down.
 With more...
 Between two and four people.
 Poseidon 3.
 No, you're watching the...
 You're experiencing the Poseidon Adventure...
 Poseidon 3D.
 With some people, a number, rhymes with tree.
 Tree.
 Three people.
 You don't...
 He's Poseidon.
 You hate them.
 It doesn't say that.
 I can't say that here.
 So you don't...
 I hate a lot of people.
 That's specific.
 Oh, that's her for Steve.
 A valiant effort.
 What was that one that...
 That's watching the Poseidon Adventure with three people you don't like.
 Right.
 On to the other team, which is something about a scroll.
 I've forgotten the scroll.
 I think it's your team.
 We've forgotten the scroll.
 Catherine's going to be giving clues.
 Same thing.
 Two minutes on the clock.
 You've got too easy, too medium, too hard.
 Let's see how you two get on.
 When you're ready, off you go.
 Okay.
 First one, you drive it.
 You've got four wheels, plus a wheel that you steer with.
 Car.
 Yes.
 Second one is the same thing, but with a T instead of an R.
 Two-bird car.
 Meow.
 It has whiskers.
 The car has whiskers?
 The thing I'm describing has whiskers.
 Oh.
 Oh.
 It's mice.
 The cat.
 The cat.
 Yes.
 Got an unusual name, this third one.
 Meryl.
 Kind of like a very famous, played Sherlock, looks like an alien.
 Has the name of...
 A giraffe.
 Played Sherlock Holmes in a very recent adaptation and kind of...
 Benedict.
 Benedict Cumberdick.
 Benedict.
 Yeah, that's right.
 That's right, yeah.
 Duk.
 Duk.
 Yeah, that's good enough.
 It is with that name.
 Yeah.
 Yeah.
 Yes.
 And fourth one is potentially life-ruining...
 Getting sacked.
 Losing your house.
 Gigantic thing.
 We're all connected to it now.
 The polar system.
 Solar system.
 On the computer.
 Oh.
 Or on your phone.
 We're all connected to it.
 The millennium...
 Crash.
 It might be a bit late.
 On the computer.
 It features social networks and search engines.
 And Wikipedia.
 Right.
 Oh, Big Brother.
 No, created by...
 I'll give that to you, actually.
 It was the internet.
 It's close enough.
 Oh, OK.
 Going on to the hard ones now.
 OK.
 So, this is something...
 Do with your ears.
 OK, so...
 In a ear...
 Infection.
 With your ears, you hear a...
 Sound.
 Yep.
 Then, this is something you carry water in.
 Bottle.
 No, larger than that.
 Cup.
 Kick it when you die.
 Bucket.
 Yep.
 Sound bucket.
 Sound.
 What am I doing to the table?
 Sound bucket banging.
 Sound bucket.
 Slap.
 Slaps.
 No.
 Knocking.
 Sound bucket snop.
 Look.
 Sound bucket.
 Slap.
 Bounce.
 Bounce.
 And time is up.
 Well done.
 Let's hear for these two.
 What was that one that you were struggling with at the end there, Catherine?
 The sound of a bucket hitting the bottom of a well with no water in it.
 Obviously.
 And the one that you didn't have time to get to?
 Waking up in the night thinking you're being abducted by aliens, then realising it's just
 that a book fell off the shelf.
 Right.
 So.
 Oh, you've got that one.
 Yeah, exactly.
 That's relatable.
 Sorry about that.
 I think in the generosity of the feeling of the show, I think Danny should get an extra
 point for coming up with Sound Bucket Banging, which is a very underrated, little known David
 Bowie album.
 Well, Matthew's at liberty to award points as he sees fit.
 Matthew, is Sound Bucket Banging going to get a point?
 No.
 No.
 All right.
 Let's go to Matthew and see what the scores are at the end of that round.
 Well, there are now two points in it.
 We have We Forgot the Squirrel on nine and a half.
 And the key calm were Kebab Club or whatever they are with eleven and a half.
 Woo!
 Yeah.
 Yeah.
 All right.
 I can get behind the Kebab Club.
 Let's crack on with round five.
 Yes, round five is called What the What the Fuck.
 And question one is for Danny and Catherine.
 What crazy prank did YouTube prankster Jay Swingler get up to that ended up involving five firefighters?
 Ah, I think Jay dressed up as a Jay and then as a Jay Bird got up the tree in his back garden.
 Almost strangled himself with the selfie thing.
 Yeah, with the selfie stick.
 Yeah.
 And had to get the fireman to get him down.
 Well, it's similar to what Danny was kind of in the right direction, but she got the wrong species.
 He was actually pretending to be a cat and got stuck up a tree.
 Closer.
 Still no points.
 Steve?
 Well, I think he lives in a town with only five firefighters and he set five fires.
 And five different buildings.
 And there was massive property damage and it was hilarious.
 I would love that to be true.
 Sadly, it isn't.
 Catherine thinks that she's got the right answer.
 Clever Catherine.
 What do you reckon it is?
 That he cemented a microwave to his own head.
 Points for Catherine.
 Yeah.
 Jay Swingler.
 Yes.
 He cemented his own head into a microwave.
 He and a group of friends mixed seven bags of polyfilla before they poured it around his head,
 which was protected by a plastic bag inside the appliance.
 Previous videos have included him setting himself in jelly overnight and the handheld firework shootout.
 Oh, my goodness.
 His mother must be so proud.
 Yeah.
 Well, the trouble is, Danny.
 He probably makes an awful lot of money on YouTube, I would think.
 Yes, but he'll die before he can use any of it.
 Okay, let's move on to question two.
 A new Norfolk...
 This is for you two.
 I'm pointing for those listening at home.
 I'm now pointing at Stephen Kahn.
 You're pointing back.
 I knew...
 That's the wrong finger.
 Oh, I see.
 A new Norfolk export was discovered last week by Thomas McGee.
 I don't know how to pronounce his name.
 I'm going to go with that.
 What did he surprisingly sell for a tenner?
 Was it his own phlegm?
 No, it wasn't.
 I've actually been on Craigslist for research purposes for a script.
 Somebody on there will buy your phlegm.
 You've got to be a woman, but you could leave it somewhere anonymously.
 Wow.
 How much was that for?
 I didn't ring the number, but maybe it depended on the colour.
 Are you saying that it's a bit like the secret books,
 where you read your book and then leave it with a little message in saying,
 please enjoy this book.
 You could leave phlegm anonymously around.
 Isn't that just called spitting?
 I'm just getting over a cold since Friday.
 Imagine the money I could have made.
 Yeah, you're sitting on a gold mine.
 Sorry, Catherine, you're actually sitting on a gold mine there.
 Just move your chair slightly.
 I was just wondering if this chap had sold a bit of Skyline.
 I'm going to give you half a point for that.
 Sod it.
 Have a whole point.
 Oh, brilliant.
 He did, in fact, sell the seaside air.
 The scent of Kayster Beach has been snapped up for £10.
 An advert was placed on eBay promising fresh, invigorating, fortifying air from the village's beach.
 Hand-sealed in a jar.
 A buyer from Wales bought it for a tenner.
 He said it just started out as a bit of fun, but I've relisted it now in case anyone else wants any.
 Yeah, I bet you fucking have.
 Mr McGookey added that he's now considering adding a new product to his line.
 A beach in a box which would consist of sand and jars of sunshine.
 But I would point out that there's been warnings along the East Anglin coast all winter about something nasty and we're not allowed our animals to lick anything.
 So, what's he contaminating wows with?
 What are animals allowed to lick?
 Anything.
 Don't lick anything.
 Yes, there's been a few.
 Sadly, there's been a few dog deaths.
 Doggy deaths.
 Because of licking?
 Because they've licked something that's come up on the sea.
 Well, I'm going to put this out as a public warning now.
 Do not buy jars of air off eBay.
 I can confirm that Sheringham Beach the other day was covered in dead fish and lobsters, so you really shouldn't go licking dead beaches.
 Did you lick them?
 Of course I did, yeah.
 Okay, that's the end of round five.
 Matthew, what are the scores?
 Well, it is now all neck and neck at 11.5 points each.
 And I was really tempted to dock Steve a point for shamelessly plugging that he writes scripts, but it's already tense enough.
 Yeah.
 All right, let's crack on with round six.
 Round six is back on the buzzers.
 It's our final round of this evening's proceedings.
 And question one is, how much money did Shia LaBeouf's war veteran thriller Man Down take in its opening weekend in the UK?
 It's con.
 £7.42.
 Yeah, I'll give you that, £7.
 Which meat equals one ticket.
 One person went to see it.
 I didn't know Shia was in the country.
 Question two, what famous painting am I thinking of right now?
 Con.
 Danny.
 No.
 Steve.
 Sunflowers.
 No.
 Catherine.
 Mona Lisa.
 No.
 Danny.
 Screen.
 No, it was in fact American Gothic.
 Question three, how much was the most expensive cat ever sold in dollars?
 Danny.
 £16,000.
 No.
 Steve.
 A million dollars.
 No, somewhere in between those two.
 Con.
 £16,000 minus...
 £55,042.
 No.
 Catherine.
 £30,000.
 No, it was in fact $41,000.
 Wasn't that fun.
 It was a Bengal cat named Cato.
 Probably just paid that price for the name alone.
 Question four, who is this?
 Ah.
 Gun.
 Bernard Manning.
 No.
 Is it Boris Johnson at the point of orgasm?
 I don't think so, is it?
 No.
 Anyone have any guesses over there?
 Danny.
 The Duchess of Kent.
 Who was it, Matthew?
 It was Sir Ken Dodd, or more precisely, someone that doesn't know what Sir Ken Dodd sounds
 like, doing Ken Dodd thinking up a joke.
 Question five.
 What is the longest ever amount of time between two twins being born?
 Steve.
 A year.
 No.
 Danny.
 Three months.
 I can't do maths.
 I'll give you that.
 87 days.
 Well done.
 What song is this?
 Steve.
 It's that.
 I'll just light my buzzer.
 It's, um, Welcome to the Netherlands.
 Yes, what's it called?
 It's, uh, Sandman.
 Can't be on the same team anyway.
 Enter the Sandman.
 Enter the Sandman, yeah.
 Well done.
 It's not enter the.
 Oh, yes, enter Sandman.
 Minus one to them.
 In 2007.
 In 2007, what did American Corey Taylor do to get out of his mobile phone contract?
 Catherine.
 Fake his own death.
 Yes.
 Points for you.
 Oh, Christ.
 Question eight.
 Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
 Danny.
 Danny.
 Because you can't get disposable razors in the jungle.
 That's good enough for me.
 Have a point.
 Question nine.
 The oldest condom ever found is believed to be from the 1640s, but what was it made of?
 Can.
 Paper.
 No.
 Rubber.
 No.
 Oh.
 An entire pig.
 Oh, half a point, Steve.
 Half a pig.
 Catherine, any thoughts?
 Pig's bladder.
 It was, in fact, made of animal and fish intestines.
 Oh, sexy.
 Nice.
 And finally, the final question of the quiz.
 How many vaginas does a female kangaroo have?
 Danny.
 Thirteen.
 No.
 Come on.
 Three.
 Three vaginas.
 Okay.
 That means the end of the quiz.
 Let's go over to Matthew for the final scores.
 That was incredibly exciting.
 Where have you been?
 There's only half a point in it.
 Whoa.
 It gives me a rather eerie pleasure to announce that the winners are the KKK with 15 points.
 Well, congratulations.
 Let's have muted applause for the Khan Keyworth Club.
 Thank you all for listening.
 Thanks to Danny O'Hara, Catherine Frost, Khan Johnson and Steve Keyworth.
 I've been Chris Reid.
 This has been Idiot Wind.
 See you next time.
 Idiot Wind is produced in association with Dogface Improv, Fantata and Slow Theatre Company
 and is executive produced by Emma T.
 The music is Yes I Do by the Melvins.
 And don't forget, you can find out more and support the podcast by going to idiotwindpodcast.com.
 I'm sorry.
 I'm sorry.
 I'm sorry.