Hot Face Hot Face Can everyone just say Squiggle? Squiggle Squiggle Squiggle Squiggle Squiggle Yes It's bloody Idiot Wind, isn't it? Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Welcome one and all to the quiz that we like to refer to as Idiot Wind. It's a panel show, it's a podcast, it's made for idiots by idiots. You're an idiot for listening to it, we're idiots for making it, so we belong together, don't we? Welcome! We have four splendid idiots here for you tonight. And on my left I have the delightful Steve Keyworth. Steve, do you consider yourself delightful? Yeah, yeah, sometimes. Sometimes I have my moments. Yeah? Yeah. Which moments are they? When I'm dancing. Are you a delightful dancer? I am beautiful. Isn't it a shame this is an audio podcast? I know, I know. Put on a talking head song and it's just like the Royal Ballet. I didn't know this about you, this is going to happen next time we are anywhere where you can dance. Joining you on your team is the delightful Robbie Sunderland. Hello. Hello Robbie, are you a good dancer? Yeah, even better than Steve. Have you seen Steve dance? This is no idle boast. Well, we'll have to prove this, we'll have to have a run DMC type dance off. We've never had a dance off on the show before. Yeah. But have you seen Steve dance? Yes. When? Five minutes ago I saw him practicing. He didn't see me. It's because you're stealthy. They call you stealthy Sunderland. So you two are one of the teams tonight and I am assuming that you have some kind of team name. Yes, we are powerful jump starter. It's the type of dance we've perfected as well. Where do you get your crazy ideas? Says Chris whilst looking around and noticing a box for a powerful jump starter from Halfords sitting on the table beside me. Why? It was, that was, yeah, we did forget that bit because we were so excited by our mascot. Hang on, is your mascot going to be a cardboard box? Come on, what do you know? Okay, all right, powerful jump starter. What's your mascot? It's a depressed alcoholic man dressed in a chicken suit. Wow. Wow. Is it one of you two? Have you been this man? No, he's an actual mascot for a really shit football team. Oh, really? Yeah, we bought him on eBay. Wow, that's awesome. Do you remember which football team? Robbie's the football expert. Which team was it? Air United. Air United. There we go. Well, the former Air United mascot. Yeah. Now ours. Yeah, now here. Well, he's delightful. I hope he brings you luck tonight. And facing you tonight are Mark Womersley. Mark, how are you, mate? I'm Mark Womersley. Hello. Yes, you are. I'm singular. I thought you were going to talk the entire quiz in the form of I am Groot. I'm Mark Womersley. I'm Mark Womersley. I'm Mark Womersley. Hello. I am, yes, I am singular and I'm here. You're married, mate. No, singular. Yeah, you're married. You've got a wife. Yeah, but you said you are Mark Womersley. Here is, here are Mark Womersley. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're going to take that back though? I'll tell your wife, Mark. She knows. And joining you is the delightful John Newing, who is not singular. No, no, I'm not. I'm very much married. Yeah. Yeah. I'm worried now that I am actually sounding stupid, but that's fine. Why has that suddenly started to worry me now? It's a bit too late now. Yeah. I've always considered you multiple. Yes, and that is my secret. That you're multiple. How I get so much stuff done. In fact, there's one of me that's been captured by ape hunters. A-punter or ape hunters? Ape hunters. Like hunters who hunt apes. I thought you said ape punters. Yeah, I realised that was a very bad choice of words when I said that loud. Tell us about the other day when you bought four candles. Yeah, they kicked me out of the shop. It was terrible. I mean... Who did? The ape punters? No, the Apple Store. They wouldn't let me buy four candles in there. Is that Apple Store or Apple Tour? Apple. Apple's Tour. I think it's a mountain in Cupertino. Oh, nice. So, what's your team name, guys? We are called the Static Dilberries. Fuck, I wonder where that was going. The Static Dilberries? Yes. I don't know what that means. It makes me think of Bob Dylan and Roy Orbison and... Everyone's least favourite, Jeff Lynn. Jeff Lynn. Oh, I love a yellow. No. Yeah. We'll save that for another pod. You say hello, we say goodbye. It's because our past incarnations as a team, a joint team, has been Gherkin related. Oh, yeah, that's right. And so, we came up with Dilberries. Dilberries. Very good. You could have gone for the travelling Dilberries. I would have. No, we went Static. Yeah, we didn't. We didn't want to be derivative. We didn't want to be obvious. Oh, I see. We didn't want to be obvious. Yeah, I'm with you. Running a little bit slower, but I've caught up. Yeah, good. I'll edit that bit out. In the edit, yeah. Catch up in the edit. Nice. So, the Static Dilberries. Mm-hmm. What's your mascot? Oh, it's a tiny flatbed truck. Right. A dinky one. A dinky one, yeah. Oh, like a dinky toy? Yeah, basically. So, we can only transport small things with it. But you're Static? Well, no, like our opposition's talent. Oh! Is this the first for Idiot wins? Yeah. Trash talk? Yeah. I think this dance-off just got bigger. Yes, but that's between you, two members of the same team. No, no, everybody dances now. Nobody leaves. Are we going to Kayleigh? Yeah. Dance-off, Aberdeen-style. Good. All right. Well, we'll save the middle-class trash talk. Hard and fast Kayleigh. No rules. Well, actually, a lot of rules, I think. Too many rules. You have got to have rules at a Kayleigh, otherwise it's just people flailing around. A flay-ly Kayleigh. Would you like to change your team name? I will. A flay-ly Kayleigh is the best Kayleigh. All right. All right. All that's left to do is to introduce the delightful, the sexually arousing, the technically-minded and the person who can count. It's Matthew Hayward. Good evening. How are you? I am just reminiscing as to the time when I was in a flailing Kayleigh. How did it go? Well, did you fail me at the flay-ly Kayleigh? Let's just say that the paramedics weren't best pleased at having 30 poked eyes, but otherwise it went fine. Yeah, yeah. They didn't book us next year. It was in Jerusalem, wasn't it? Wasn't it? An Israeli flay-ly Kayleigh. Some people said it was ambitious to try and right all the wrongs in the Middle East with an Israeli flay-ly Kayleigh. Didn't it happen every day as well? Wasn't it a daily rest-ly? No, it was weekly. No, it was a twice-daily flay-ly Israeli Kayleigh. That's the wrong order. I don't think it really matters at this point. Matthew's going to be keeping score and doing the things and tweaking knobs and pressing sliders and shit like that. And helping with your tech as well. And helping with the tech as well. And we're very lucky to have him. So, that's everybody introduced. Mascots, team names, Matthews. Let's get on with the thing that they call round one. Sort it out. Yes. Round one is sort it out. Our teams are going to be presented with a conundrum scenario, a problem, that kind of thing. I'm going to say it to them in a minute using words, which I will expel from my mouth. And they will try and quite literally, except they won't quite literally, figuratively, sort it out. Good. Round one. Question one. What is the UK government advice for what to do when there is a nuclear explosion? And we will start with Steve and Robbie. Well, you've got to put on a lot of sunblock. Yes. What factor would you go for for nuclear explosion? I mean, all of the factors, really. Just, yeah, just everything. The max factor? Everything that you can sort of salvage from, you know, the burning wreckage of boots. You're going to go looting. The first thing you're going to do is go looting. In looting. I shot five people on the way to sun cream. Well, that's in the leaflet, because it's a Tory, so they favour, you know, looting, trampling. And sun cream. Yeah. Good. All right. Lovely stuff. Robbie, any thoughts? I was thinking of the four-minute warning video I've seen that's really funny on the BBC of the man in the pub trying to set off fireworks as a sign, and that's his warning, and this air raid siren as well. So I'd let off some fireworks and get a siren. Get an air raid siren. Do you think that would help? No. It would make me feel slightly better before I disintegrated. Yeah, I mean... But I tried to save other people. A four-minute warning is a mixed blessing at best, isn't it? What are you going to do? I mean, obviously, masturbate for four minutes, I would think, but I don't know. Other than that, what... What can you do? Sudoku? I'd rather not know. Sudoku. That's the worst bit about a nuclear war. It's the knowing. It'd be fine if I didn't know. Didn't know. Boom, straight over. I don't want to have to think about John doing a fucking Sudoku. Well, it's in your head now, isn't it? So you'll know when it comes that he'll be Sudoku-ing. I heard that there were... This is quite exciting. They're going to offer us a referendum on what kind of nuclear winter we want. You know, the length of the half-life and all of that kind of thing. Well, I'm pleased because that might delay it if there's a lengthy two-and-a-half-year transition. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're not entering the nuclear winter until for two years. No one said there would be cannibalism, but we're not ruling it out. Well, you look delicious. I'd go straight round to your house. Why, thank you. Which would be clearly indicated by fireworks and an air raid siren. And then I'd eat you. Oh, I didn't think it through with the cannibals. Whilst masturbating and doing a Sudoku. Mark and John, any thoughts? Yes. They advise you to assume the pose you've been practising for how you want your carbon silhouette to end up. So you would do that. What are you going to go for? The shrinking violet. Oh. Where Pompeii failed, we have the upper hand. Yeah. Our death pose is really good. I want to be the man they've just found in Pompeii who's just got the breeze block on his head. I want to go for that guy. I like, sweet! Like, I don't think he was expecting that. I'd go for jazz hands. Bosting Sudoku. That's the challenge. Yeah, some kind of dance move would be. Like a John Travolta kind of Saturday Night Fever. Oh, Steve just danced and it's pretty fucking impressive. Let me tell you. Don't they advise you to try and catch the bomb in one of those metal trash cans like they do in cartoons? Put the lid on it and poof, that's right, you've saved it. Yeah, that's how, yeah, the Acme bomb. That's how you do it. I kind of assume they just tell us to accept our fate and sing Monty Python songs. Yeah. They're in for half me. Always look on the bright side of life because that seems, like, ironic. That's what we want when we all die. A nice sense of irony. That lasts four minutes, won't it? The death will be painful but the irony will help us through. Indiana Jones survived a nuclear explosion by climbing inside a fridge. Yeah, yeah. So, I mean, obviously that's dangerous in itself. You might not be able to get out again. Yeah. You'd have to eat everything first before you get in it. I'm surprised he didn't break his leg as the door was closing. Bury yourself in metal. Is metal not conductive with nuclear radiation? I don't understand science. I think that's bad. Is it? I think that's very bad. I think that makes you extra glowy. Like tin foil would be bad. Cover yourself in baker foil would not be helpful. Not worth the trouble, mate. No? No. I bought loads from, like, a sale. Well, if you put the shiny bit of the foil on the outside, it would reflect. That was a thing, wasn't it? Putting it in the windows. Was that in the old... Yeah. What do you mean my tin foil cocoon won't save me? Yeah, yeah. I emerge as a butterfly after the... Quite literally a butterfly. Yeah, exactly. Or a butter... A butterkist. It was all just... It was all just... It was all just bullshit, wasn't it? Just to make people feel slightly better. Yeah. Oh, put pate on your doors. You'll be able to help. It won't. This table looks pretty protective to me. If we could all get under there. Get under the table, yeah. Put a mattress against the door. Sellotape granny to the ceiling. Put a bucket on your head and sing Jerusalem. You'll be fine. You were supposed to make a shelter by taking off the door. So everybody's kind of a carbon silhouette thing will be just with a screwdriver trying to take a door off. Ignore! They were a race to who worshipped the screw threads. And some people going, where's the screwdriver? I put it here. Doctor Who. We'll all be Doctor Who. People are going, is it a flathead or a crosshead? They don't know which one. They'll think that what we worshipped most in the world are those tiny screwdrives. You're getting crackers because that's the first ones everyone comes across. Yeah, yeah. I'll be there fiddling with the Swiss Army and I'm trying to get the right attachment. Right, okay, enough nonsense. Matthew, any points there? Well, much like a nuclear apocalypse where other quizzes may have an abundance of points after the first round, we have nothing. I don't know why you're cheering. Kind of almost a bonus point for masturbation, but that was you talking about that, Chris, and it doesn't count. Because it simply has the phrase, if you have evacuated. Good. All right. Let's crack on then with round two. Round two is all about heroic failures. And all the questions in this round are taken from the Ultimate Book of Heroic Failures by Stephen Pyle. It's an excellent book published by Faber and Faber, which is available in all good bookshops and the shit ones as well. This round is all about heroic failures in technology. And question one on the buzzer teams is, How did a police constable in Auckland deal with a call to a domestic incident in November 2006? Mark. He went in his car. John. He unplugged the phone. No. Robbie. Sent a sheep. No, he did mark. He did mark. He did me. He did. No, he went in and he sacked all the butlers and all the waiting staff that they had. All the domestics. No, Steve. Was he told about whatever was happening by Skippy the kangaroo who came to warn him that something was going on down? And then he rode him there. No, it wasn't that either, although that would have been an excellent answer in the technology round. It was in fact that he decided that the husband needed subduing. He'd just completed his tasering training. He fired six shots. The first one went in the cat. The second one hit their teenage son. The third one ceiling. The fourth one he shot himself and took five minutes to recover. The fifth and sixth went in the ceiling and then he gave up and used pepper spray. Missed and got the neighbourhood come in to see what the commotion was about. Was the bloke standing still the whole time? I'll wait for you, mate. After all of that, the husband... I'm looking forward to a good tasering. The husband did, after that, give himself up to avoid any further damage. You killed my entire family. Just take me. To be fair, it's hard to have a good aim once you've tasered yourself. And then after that, it's going all over the place. Perseverance, you've got to love it. I mean, that was the fourth shot himself, though. He'd already hit the cat ceiling teenage son. Well, I imagine there's a friend who got in the way and jumped in the way of the guy to save them. What a loyal cat. Don't be a hero! Tibbles! It's okay, I've got nine! In 2006, Nakdet... Nakdet... Nakdet... In 2006, Nakdet Bakimi, a Syrian lorry driver, programmed his sat-nav and set out from Ant... Oh, fuck, why do I do this to myself? And set out from Antakya... That's right, isn't it? And set out from Antakya in Turkey with 32 luxury cars destined for Gibraltar. But where did he take them? Robbie? Edinburgh. No. John? Did he take them to Amarillo? No. Robbie? The United Kingdom. Yes, half a point. Mark? Wales. No. John? Sesame Street. Half a point for United Kingdom, so obviously the progression of that is Sesame Street. No, it was, in fact, Gibraltar Point Nature Reserve near Skegness, where he asked for directions. That's actually true. After an internet search for a photo of the Man City squad for the programme of the February 2011 Europa League tie, what did Greek football club Aris Thessaloniki end up printing? Robbie? A Man United team? No. Mark? A picture of Metal Mickey? No. John? Was it Stringfellow's Nightclub? No. Steve? Cast of Coronation Street. No, it was, in fact, a satirical Where's Wally spoof of 77 of the world's greatest football players and the red and white striped titular Wally titular Wally, who were seated in row three next to Barcelona's Ibrahimovic. Had 77 of the world's greatest footballers and they were looking for the Man City squad. Why did a bath fireman end up digging seven holes in the road in the wrong place when trying to find water hydrants that had been accidentally covered in tarmac? John? He needed seven attempts to find it. No, he still didn't. Oh, he still didn't find it. Still hadn't found it after seven attempts. Steve? His metal detector had developed a phobia of metal. I will give you half a point because it does relate to a metal detector. Robbie? Is it like the divining rod? No. Mark? I had the batteries run out on it. No, the batteries were good. He was just wearing steel toe-capped boots. Okay, and that failure brings us to the end of round two. Matthew? We have no points. That's nil poise for the static Dilbury's, but one point for a powerful jump starter. Oh, okay. Well done. Lovely stuff. We have this offer with beer52.com that we're doing this series. It's a way that you can support the podcast as well as get some lovely, lovely beer for yourself as well. All you have to do is go to beer52.com forward slash idiotwind and you can get a case of beer for bloody nothing apart from you have to pay the postage, which is £5.95, but you will get a box of eight hand-selected small batch craft beers, some snacks, and a copy of Ferment Magazine. Ferment Magazine, John. It's no pamphlet, mate. It's a hundred-page magazine about craft beer and brewing and stuff. And it's a really lovely beer. I handed out some after. Matthew, you had a bottle. What did you think of it? I liked it. It was very good. Yeah, it is genuinely very nice beer. It's not the sort of beer you can just walk into a shop and buy. It's hand-selected small batch stuff. I had a stout, and I hate stout, and I love this stout, and I now think that it's not stout I don't like. It's bad stout. Have the courage of your convictions. It was delicious. The point is that this is a classic win-win situation. If you go to beer52.com forward slash idiotwind, you get eight beers for free. Just pay $5.95 postage. We get some money because you've taken it up from us, and beer52 apparently gets something out of it. So go and do that. That's that. Good. All right. Let's move on to round three. Yeah, round three is all. And this week, we have a sound clip for each of our teams and a question. So we are going to start with John and Mark. Your question is, who is this raising Chris Evans' heart rate? You remember him, Anthony Hopkins. Yeah. He's fascinating. Have you interviewed him? No, never, actually. He really doesn't do many interviews at all. He does less than you. He's not very comfortable, I don't think, doing them. Now, he has said of acting, before you said it, most of the things you said afterwards about acting. Did you know that? Like? It's a bit of a silly profession, and he's not quite sure. He always says that. Bollocks, isn't it? Oh, you can't say that on the radio. Oh, sorry. Sorry. Don't say that. It's getting worse. It's getting worse. I'm sorry. Can you do me a favour? Just apologise for most of those things. I'm terribly sorry. To mums on the run. Mums on the run. School run. And your kids. Yeah, that's awful. Okay. Who was that apologising for saying bollocks whilst saying shit? It was some posh bloke. Yes. A point to mark. Well done. That will do. The quintessential posh bloke. If you wanted the posh bloke in a film, who would you cast? Is it Rupert Everett? No. Hugh Grant? Hugh Grant. Yes. Point to mark. Steve and Robbie, your question is, who is this raising Chris Evans' heart rate? Piano very much ever. Really? No. Okay. Jules Holland says the first thing he's got to do when he gets up in the morning, he's got to go and play the piano to reconnect himself with it. Oh, fucking hell. No, don't just say. We must apologise for that. Kitty said. I was just exasperated. I mean, I can't think of anything worse than getting up and playing the piano. Who can't think of anything worse than getting up and playing the piano? I know it. So I just say it. Yeah. It's Reg Dwight. It is. Yeah. Elton John. Elton John. Points. Good stuff. Points all round there. I think one each. Probably rendering the round pointless, eh, Matthew? The round was pointless. Yes. Yay. Well, let's move on to round four then. It's the wheel of things. Yes. Round four is the wheel of things. Someone's going to spin the big wheel and we're going to play a game. Who would like to spin the big wheel? Me, me, me. Mark, go for it. You didn't have to take your clothes off to do it. Yes, I do. How's he going to stop it? Oh, I see. Very clever. Okay, it's landed on Proverbs. Each team are now going to get 90 seconds to collaboratively make up as many Proverbs as they can. Matthew is then going to award points for each one that he liked at the end of it. We will start with Steve and Robbie. Steve, if you kick us off, you're going to say the first one. Robbie's going to complete it. Then Robbie will start one in which you'll complete. Does that make sense? Are we down with this? Yeah. I am down with this. No dancing, okay. Just Proverbs. Too late. Robbie, get off the ceiling. Okay. Matthew, do you have 90 seconds on the clock? Nearly. Nearly. How many have you got? We'll just go with it. Rather than go for a traditional clock, I've gone for a very long snail racetrack, which should, in theory, at the average speed of a snail, take a snail about 90 seconds to get from one end to the other. How do you know if you've got average snails? Well, I don't yet. We're going to find out as part of this round. Okay. And I'm just hoping that they're roughly on the start line. I'm trying to just hold them back. So just go as soon as... Trying to hold them back? How much strength does it require to hold a snail back? You'd be surprised. These are strong snails, right? They're strong-willed. So just when you see them cross the line, just start. Okay, all right. Steve, watch that snail and start when you see it cross the line. A stitch in time... Means no Hanukkah this year. A cat in the bush... Is a cat you can't find anymore. You can lead a horse to water... But it will still want to drink Coca-Cola. A bottle in the hand... Is full until you've drunk it. People in glass houses... Are really stupid. People who aren't in glass houses... Can do what they want. No one will see them. It ain't over till... I say so, damn it. Headphones are to a mouse... What a Cadillac is to a giraffe. An apple a day... Means you've filled up and you can't have any bananas. A t-shirt may tell you... Whatever is written on the t-shirt. If the shoe fits... Buy it, don't be a mug. Watched kettle... Is not as good as Netflix. Lovely. A lot of wisdom there. But it doesn't matter what I think. It matters what Matthew thinks. And we'll hear about that in a second. Okay, Mark and John, are you ready for this? Matthew, could you reset the snails, please? I'm just going to turn them around. It's probably going to be easier. That would be quicker than coaxing them back. Although it is a slight gradient, so this could end up... It's fine, we'll go with it. Okay, there might be one advantage to a team here. But there's a gradient downhill here, but they're also a little bit more tired than they were for the last one, so... I hadn't thought about that. I'm going to write snail fatigue in my notes. Okay, you two. Again, Matthew, release the snails. Mark, when you see the snail cross the line, off you go. A split. Empty crisp rag. Will feed many children. You can not erase. But you can rub out. A hat on a donkey. Is quite shonky. A three-legged cat. Knows where it's at. A small little friend. Will hurt you in your rear end. The bell from up above. Is like a metaphor for love. The side of a sword. Should always be abhorred. The boat over there. Doesn't rhyme with the one here. If you suck it and see. You'll be happy. A general for the army. Is like a major for the handy. A small piece of wood. Once chiseled. Will never fit into that jigsaw again. I have some cheese. And I also have some. Lovely stuff. Incredible wisdom. When did that become poetry proverbs? Iambic pentameters next time. Matthew. Please give us your verdicts on the wisdom. Well. There were quite a few there. That I can learn from. Really? Yes. If we start off. With the powerful jump starter. Their moving piece. About horse obesity. That was lovely. It ain't over. I just like the fact. That Robbie was so assertive. And the bit about t-shirts. I hadn't realized. That if you just read them. It tells you what's on them. So. So that's. That's three points there. And then for the static deal breeze. I like the idea of a donkey wearing a hat. I didn't hear the rest of it. I didn't really care. I was just imagining a donkey in a hat. The thing about the three legged cat as well. Just made me feel sad. So I thought. That deserves a point. Suck it and see. Just to make sure it can't be cut from the quiz. And the jigsaw wood is also quite good. So that's four points. To the static deal breeze. I love the idea of a boat. Not rhyming with another boat. These boats don't rhyme. I like the idea of a point for any emotion. Even if it's negative. Matthew does live in an emotional void. So anything that touches his dark soul is awarded. Although it was a three legged cat. It knew where it was at. So there was no sadness needed. Yeah. I mean. The four legged cat knows where. He had it all sorted. The four legged cat was in a bush. So it didn't really. You don't know where it is. I've learned from the proverb now. So at the end of round four. Let's have the scores. Both teams have five points. Oh. Excited. There's only one way to find out who's going to win. And that's to complete the rest of the quiz. Oh. So it's. We should start doing that now with round five. Matthew. Stamp on the snails. And let's move on. Round five is called what the what the fuck. I'm now going to ask some questions and the teams are going to give the answers as an explanation. That one definitely didn't need to be said. Question one. Question one. This is for Mark and John. What happened when the president of the USA asked the Guggenheim Museum if he could borrow a Van Gogh? Well he congratulated himself on pronouncing Guggenheim first of all. He has the very very best words. That's all I've got at the moment. Well thank you for that. That's very enjoyable. John. Well famously the Guggenheim only offer you art. That's at your level of intelligence. So they said no to the Van Gogh and they offered him some crayon drawings. Stephen Robbie. Any thoughts? I should be using your team names but I can't fucking remember them. It's written on that box behind you. Powerful jump starter. Mames power. Any thoughts? Well I mean he rang him on his direct line and I heard what happened was that the president of the king of the Guggenheim whatever his title is he said I'm not here I'm out and Trump said oh okay I'll call back later and that's how he got rid of him. It was really ingenious. As straightforward as that. Yeah yeah definitely. That's incredible. Well done Mr. Guggenheim. Didn't he die in the Titanic? Is that right? Donald Trump? Thank fuck. I hated that bastard. Not a moment. You'll be sad if he's dead when this goes out. Will I still? Was it a toilet humour? Yes. Did they offer him a toilet? They certainly did. Points for Mark. They said no. I believe. He asked for a Van Gogh and they said no and offered him a gold toilet. Oh I was going to say I was going to try and get a point for the colour. Oh you would have had. Sorry. Yeah. Never mind. I thought I heard someone speak and then I thought I just imagined it. I said toilet and then I went gold, gold, gold, gold, gold. Right. They offered him a gold toilet. Yeah they offered him a gold toilet. They just had one lying around. Yes. Donald Trump is the simple answer. Donald Trump had been offered in 18 karat gold a fully functioning toilet after he was denied his request of a fragile Van Gogh as a loan for the White House during his presidency. The New York Museum denied the loan of landscape in the snow. The toilet was installed in the Guggenheim for a year and was used by thousands of people. The piece created by Italian artist Maurizio Catalan was, if I can say that correctly. Oh my God. That was very impressive. Yeah. Point for Chris. It was created as Trump announced his intention to run for the presidency. Nancy Spector of the Guggenheim wrote on the blog, the gold toilet is a cipher for the excesses of affluence. It was available for us all to use in the privacy of one of the Guggenheim single-stalled gender-neutral bathrooms. More than 100,000 people used it. Sorry. So it was a used toilet. Brilliant. Excellent. It's just such a wonderful response by the Guggenheim. It's absolutely brilliant. That sounds disgusting, doesn't it? Waiting just for that one toilet. That's 100,000 people. Over the course of a year? So was it... Oh, no, not in one day. Well, that's more used than the other toilets are getting. Yeah, well, if you had a choice of like a normal toilet or a gold toilet, which would you use? The one that's not covered in people's shit, I'd go for. But that could have been part of the expressionist movement. Yeah. What a brilliant response. Well done, Guggenheim. What a fantastic response. So, question two for the powerful jump-starter. What was unusual about the University of Birmingham's welcome back to uni rave in 2017? Well, they hung a banner saying, everybody fuck off. And also they held it in Peterborough. That's a lovely answer. It's not right. Robbie? I'm just having a bit of trouble if it's like an official rave. It doesn't sound like the... It doesn't sound fun. ...what the kids would enjoy. Did they invite their parents? Yes. We've brought your gran. We have a punctual. Everybody is here. Did they misspell it and they said the welcome black? Welcome black. And then everyone from the nearby black country turned up. And so they were just like overwhelmed. No, it wasn't that. Oh, we've all come from Georgia for a rave. We'll take a car with us. It was a series of rhyming raves. It was a rave to behave, so there was no raving at all. They were very middle class and posh. Then there was a rave at the grave where they just stood around in graveyards. Didn't they have save the rave? And they saved the rave, yeah. Where they raised a lot of money to buy, you know, coats for children. And ravens. And ravens, yeah. Yeah. And they had rave at the lathe where they just made furniture. Yeah. So there's a whole series of them. No, it wasn't that. I wish it was. It wasn't just 20 years too late? No, in fact, it was held in a branch of Greggs. In three hours, it became the Ministry of Greggs. Time to sausage roll. Complete with balloons, inflatable doughnuts and a DJ staff one hand to provide revelers with free alcohol as well as steak bakes and doughnuts. I got baked at the rave. Yeah, exactly. Pasties in the sky. How big is the Greggs in Birmingham? I've seen the video. Not that big. Okay. Not that big. It looks like the most depressing fucking rave or party that you've ever... Yeah, yeah. Students had a great time and got up to hijinks, such as dressing up as a pasty and passing around an enormous inflatable pizza slice. One party goer... I mean, it just sounds amazing, doesn't it? Doesn't this sound incredible? Well, one party goer described it as the best party of 2017. Another as... I'm saying January the 1st. The only party he went to. One party goer described it as the best party of 2017. Another as banging and lit. While another let herself down massively by going on the record to describe it as Greggalicious. That's true. Watch the video of this horrendous fucking soulless awful thing if you would like to. If you... If you go on the podcast. No, there's no video. If you attend the savoury party, did you get to go to a sweet party as well? Is there some sort of party deal? I think that sounded pretty sweet to me. I think it sounded awful. So, that brings us to the end of round five. Matthew, what are the scores, mate? We have five points for the powerful jump starter, but six and a half for the static deal breeze. Oh, wow. Pretty exciting. Anyone's game as we head into the final round. Chris Jens! Yes! Round six is back on the buzzers, teams. As we approach, this can be considered the exciting finale of the entire night, if you want. You all look at mine. I've heard bigger cheers at a wake. Oh, right. At a rave at Greg's. Okay, on the buzzers for question one. There are... Oh, I can't read. Question one. Why are there no fires in the city of La Paz in Bolivia? Is it John? Just made of wood? No. Mark? Nuclear winter. No. Robbie? Something to do with the altitude? Yeah, not enough oxygen. Very good. Question two. Name a song that would go well with Eggs Benedict. Mark? I'll be there for you. Yep, lovely. A point to that. Robbie? Friday, I'm in love. Yep, very good. John? I want you Cumberbatch. Like, I want you back. Yes. When you explain it, it's not good. Just points for Mark there. Oh, Steve? My brain is just melting at this point. I don't know that one. No, it's just... Yes, no. I'm just panning. Yeah. Just points for Mark there. Steve's brain is melting. John, I don't know what was going on there. And Robbie, Eggs Benedict aren't fried. They're poached. Question three. What is this song? It wasn't me. By Shaggy, yeah. I think you've got 100% record on the music question. The backwards music question. Yeah. That's how he listens to all his music. In case the devils try to get him. Is that not the right way? That's how he thinks. Question four. What did Indiana woman Bonnie Booth use to try and remove calluses from her foot? John? Monster truck. No. Robbie? Fire. No. Steve? A bear. No. Just nibbling. Mark? Tweezers. No. Robbie? Her husband. No. It was, in fact, a shotgun. Oh. Question five. It didn't turn out well. I think it did remove the calluses. Yeah, yeah. Objective number one complete. But she couldn't care less. Callus. How did she get the calluses off the ceiling along the rest of her toe? Rifle. She couldn't callus at that stage either. Okay. Question five. What documentation do you need to have to catch mice in Ohio? John? Evidence that the mice are cartoon mice. No. Steve? You need the mice as immigration papers. No. But you do, in fact, need a hunting license. Question six. Are we human or are we dancer? Mark? Well, the opposition are obviously dancers because they're not human. Yes, point to Mark. Well done. Question seven. What is the, according to... The Killers. The Killers. Yeah. That's a stupid fucking song. Question seven. What is the Edge's middle name? Steve? Razor. No. Any other guesses? Mark? I live close to. No. Robbie? Oliver. No. John? Ford. John, Mark? Where? No. Steve? Edgy McEdgeface. Edgy McEdgeface is his middle name. Yeah. No, his middle name is Howell. Oh. Who is this? Yeah, stupid Romans. Robbie? Boudicca? Was that right, Matt? No, no, it's not right. Cleopatra. No, that's not right either. Steve? Julius Caesar, just at a very specific moment. No. John? William Shakespeare writing Julius Caesar going, I can't understand them at all. No. Oh. Steve? It was St. Paul. He didn't want to write the letters. Not even close. Who was it, Matt? It was famous Carthaginian general Hannibal Barker, obviously. Oh, so obvious now. Question nine. Where do you see yourself in five years? Robbie? Still doing this podcast. Yes. Yes. What do you mean this episode? Steve? Drinking beer 52. Forward slash idiot wind. Yeah. John? Oh, at a rave in Debenhams. Yeah. And the final, did you want to answer? No. And the final question of the quiz. MPs are forbidden from wearing what in Parliament? Mark? Sandals. No. Robbie? I'd hope swastikas. Not that I'm aware of, Steve. T-shirt saying, I'm with stupid. Done. Those helmets with beer attached to them. Mark? Themselves out for doing too much work. No, they are, in fact, not allowed to wear a suit of armour. Who'd have thought? So, that brings us to the end of tonight's exciting quiz. Matthew, what are the bloody scores? Well, I would like to say that was exciting, but that would be a lie. Oh. Fuck you, Matthew. We failed to move him. But we're now going to move him in a different way. Emotionally. By the third floor window. Oh, wow. That was the most exciting idiot wind I've ever been a part of. Now he's moved. Threat of defenestration will move a man. That's better. It has finished with, I would like to say it was close, but it's a whole one and a half points, which by this quiz is relatively, you know, mountains worth. You don't know whether you've won yet. Yes. Well, Mark was the one who gave me the £20 note. So, the Static Dilbreeze win by a point and a half. Yes. Yes. Well done, Static Dilbreeze. How are you feeling about your win, Mark? Can we have a post-match interview? Um, no. John. Um, yes, you can. Lovely. Well, thank you all for listening. Thank you very much for listening. I've already said that. Thank you for listening. If you got to this point, you deserve a bloody medal. You have been listening to the delightful John Newing, the lovely and nonchalant Robbie Sunderland, the over there, Mark Wombersley, and he writes episodes of Doctors, it's Steve Keyworth. And Matt Hayward doing tech. I have been Chris Reid. Thank you for listening. Do listen again. Go to beer 52, buy some beer. See you next time. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Are you here? Yeah. Idiot Wind is produced in association with Dogface Improv, Fantata, and Slow Theatre Company, and is executive produced by Emma T. The music is Yes I Do by the Melvins, and don't forget, you can find out more and support the podcast by going to idiotwindpodcast.com. Podface. Podface.