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 Oh yeah, baby.
 Hello, hello, hello.
 Welcome to another episode of Idiot Wind, the panel show podcast made for idiots by idiots.
 I'm delighted to be joined by four of my favourite idiots and we are going to do a little bit of a quiz for you.
 On my right is seated Patrick Wides.
 Patrick, hello.
 Hi, Chris.
 How are you?
 I'm good, thank you.
 And next to Patrick is Prana.
 Hey, how are you?
 I'm good.
 What have you been up to?
 Any excitement?
 I've been travelling a lot.
 Okay.
 For family, for conference.
 How does it feel to be back in Norwich?
 I was quite surprised when I was missing Norwich in Spain and I couldn't believe myself when I reached here and there was no sun and I was like, I love this.
 I don't want to go back to Spain.
 Norwich is better than Spain.
 It's official.
 No, it's because there's no family here.
 Okay.
 Okay.
 Well, you two are a team.
 Have a think about a team name if you haven't already because we're going to come back and get team names in a second.
 But facing you are these two titans.
 They were dancing away to the theme tune in almost perfect choreography.
 Firstly, there's a man they call John because his name is John.
 It's John.
 Hello, John.
 Hello, Chris.
 How are you?
 I am nice.
 What's happened since I last saw you?
 Oh, I decided to do some art.
 Was it good?
 Yeah, I was inside a giant kinder egg and I burst out of the kinder egg.
 I bet that was a surprise.
 Yeah.
 And a treat.
 It was a treat.
 Yeah.
 The kids were very scared.
 Yeah.
 If you had to describe your teammate in one word, what word would you use?
 Near.
 Yes.
 He's sitting next to John.
 It's Enrico Choni.
 Hello.
 Prone and Patrick.
 What are you going to call yourself?
 Uh, busy gravy.
 Nice.
 Is this something you have experience of?
 It sounds like a phenomenon.
 Well, I did hear my mum at Christmas talking about putting some leftover Prosecco in the leftover gravy.
 I wondered how that would turn out.
 I mean, that does sound incredible.
 Was he then going to put that on meat or just, like, scull it down in a glass?
 A bit of champagne fruit, yeah.
 Brown champagne.
 Anyone for some brown champagne?
 Sounds like a horrible sex act.
 I don't know why I'm looking at Matthew.
 All right.
 So, fizzy gravy.
 In case you didn't hear that, there was the smallest cheer in the world.
 You can boost that.
 It's fine.
 A very British self-conscious cheer.
 Okay.
 And facing fizzy champagne will be?
 Oh, we are the choreographed...
 Leopards.
 The choreographed leopards.
 Yeah.
 The question I have is, are you going to change your spots?
 No.
 The leopard never changed his spot, Chris.
 Oh.
 That's a good point.
 I feel silly for asking.
 All right.
 Well, there we go.
 That's the teams introduced.
 There's only one thing left to do.
 And let's go over for the first time this week to the place that we keep our Matthew.
 It's called Matthew Corner.
 Hi.
 How is it in Matthew Corner, Matthew?
 It's very comfortable.
 The chains really weren't necessary.
 Well, you did try to run away, didn't you?
 Maybe.
 We don't need the chains if you stop being a silly sausage, okay?
 I'll try.
 What have you been up to this week?
 Well, not much, to be honest.
 Just looking at your chains?
 Just looking at the chains.
 Looking at the way out.
 The only two things I've got other than a mixing desk, to be honest.
 Did you appreciate me piping in on Loop the Chain by Fleetwood Mac?
 I'm not going to lie.
 I did like that song.
 It's a good bass style, isn't it?
 There's only so many minutes of the day that you want to listen to it, and all of the minutes
 is too many.
 You know what?
 This week, as you've said that, I'll give you one minute off per day.
 All right?
 Yay.
 Okay.
 We're ready to quiz.
 Let's get on with round one.
 Sort it out.
 Yes, round one is called Sort It Out.
 I'm going to give our two teams a conundrum, something to sort out.
 Matthew has some answers written down on a bit of parchment, and if they get remotely close
 to them, then they will get points.
 Matthew might also award points for artistic flair, or just general chucklery.
 Yeah, you'll be lucky.
 Yeah, okay.
 All right, so here's the first question of the quiz, and it is, according to highspeedtraining.co.uk,
 what are the key steps to ensuring safe ladder use?
 And we're going to start with the fizzy gravy bunch.
 Well, I think it depends which country.
 I think on the continent, the general guidelines are probably don't use a ladder if you've had
 more than two bottles of wine.
 Over here, you have to fill out a 10-page risk assessment before you set foot on the
 bottom rung.
 I see.
 And which do you think is the better system, Patrick?
 Well, compromise in everything.
 Yeah, right.
 So maybe fill out a risk assessment, drink a bottle of wine, then go up a ladder.
 Yeah.
 Pirona, any thoughts about safe ladder use?
 I was just thinking maybe just don't put a pencil on the ladder.
 I don't know why.
 How do you think that might affect?
 Kids, I remember filling up a risk assessment form that said, do not put a pencil in a fan.
 Yeah, that is good advice.
 Yeah, yeah.
 And I wonder if it's like a common thing for every object.
 Fans and ladders are similar, aren't they?
 Yeah.
 They both have pencils stuck in them.
 But also, if you rotate the ladder, it's like a fan.
 I think another thing might be probably don't rotate the ladder when you're on it.
 Yeah, it never worked with the Chuckle Brothers rotating the ladder.
 Any thoughts over here?
 Well, I learned about this recently.
 So I was in Seattle recently and there was a big fire in 1899 where the center burned down.
 The center of Seattle burned down and they were rebuilding everything.
 It was a great opportunity to rebuild the city.
 And they decided to put the streets at a higher level, like one story, three stories, depending on the place.
 Wow.
 And the buildings were also taller.
 For four years, there was no connection, no pavement connecting buildings to streets.
 And so there was these moats around the buildings and they were about a story deep, three stories deep, two stories, depending.
 And so the way you got into buildings was you had to climb down a stepladder from the street into the bottom of the moat and then enter the building.
 And then to leave the building, you had to climb up the ladder again.
 So no one died in the fire, but 18 men died while climbing the stepladders drunk.
 So clearly, don't climb into a building drunk.
 I think that's the good advice directly or the opposite advice of the Patrick's European friends,
 who very much advise you to get drunk and climb up ladders.
 John, any thoughts?
 Don't paint your ladder the exact same shade and color as the building is put against because you will lose it.
 Do you think it's unsafe?
 I guess so.
 If you're on it, if you're on the ladder and you suddenly can't see it, that's going to freak you out.
 It's like the ladder's just disappeared.
 And then you have existential crisis, up a ladder, and then there's no one to help you with that.
 The guide on the Seattle tour in which I learned about this also pointed out that it would have been very difficult to climb ladders while wearing period costume.
 Maybe don't put on hoop skirts and stuff or like crinolines, you know, like, you know, constricting busts, you know, like just wear loose casual, you know.
 Yeah.
 If hoop skirts aren't on this list from highspeedtraining.co.uk, I will eat my shoes.
 Anything else from Sparkly Gravy?
 Well, don't put it anywhere near any giant's castles because they will grind down your bones and make your bread and that doesn't look good on an accident form.
 No, it doesn't.
 Good stuff.
 Matthew, any points?
 Surprisingly, yes.
 Even more surprisingly is there's nothing on this list to say don't drink alcohol.
 No.
 And there is nothing about hoop skirts.
 So your shoes are now lunch.
 I wore my chocolate shoes.
 However, the pencil does get close because it does say are there any hazards around the base of the ladder?
 Yes.
 And has the ladder been checked for defects?
 Well, a pencil on the ladder is definitely a defect.
 There you go.
 Point to the pencil.
 There's a point right there.
 Who saw that coming?
 I did also give a point to John for the existential crisis of suddenly not knowing you're on a ladder.
 Oh, that is terrifying.
 And you really should avoid that.
 So that's one point for each team.
 I love that one of the points is, is a ladder the right piece of equipment for the task?
 Most of them are, is the ladder the right type of equipment?
 Is it the right type of ladder?
 Have you put the ladder at the right angle?
 Do the ladder rungs run horizontally parallel with the floor?
 I mean, that's basically, have you put the ladder up against the wall or is it on the floor?
 Are you moving too quickly?
 Well, I would if there wasn't a ladder in the way.
 Yeah.
 All right.
 That was round one.
 It's time for round two.
 Round two is heroic failures.
 This one is on the buzzers teams.
 You should have a buzzer in front of you.
 And here is question one.
 What happened in 1971 when Mr.
 And Mrs.
 Farmer from Margate drove to Wales to embark on a British rail mystery tour?
 They had a great time.
 I mean, they might have done.
 Patrick.
 Are they still waiting?
 No, Prana?
 They found sheep.
 They may well have found sheep.
 I don't know that they didn't.
 I think we have to give you half a point for that.
 Any other thoughts?
 They had a very disappointing time.
 I will give you half a point for that because I think they did.
 They drove from their home in Margate to Wales to embark on a mystery tour.
 They then got on the train.
 Got on the train.
 The train took them back to Margate for a week in Margate where they had just come from.
 Where they lived.
 Before the train then obviously took them back to Wales so they could drive back to Margate.
 Question two.
 What happened in 1970 when a lion escaped from a circus in Italy and gave chase to a small boy?
 That lion was my mother and that boy was my father.
 And they got married and I was born.
 I mean, I don't know that that's not true and I feel bad about that.
 So I think we have to give Enrico half a point.
 Patrick.
 It was a publicity stunt but it went wrong and the lion did eat the boy.
 No, that wasn't true.
 Oh, it was Mowgli.
 No, it wasn't Mowgli.
 It wasn't Mowgli.
 In fact, what happened was the boy's mother attacked the lion and the lion had to be treated for head injuries and shock.
 Look, in 1977, what did a Dutch veterinary surgeon do with a cow that caused £45,000 worth of damage?
 Cow, Enrico.
 That cow was my mother and that Dutch veterinary was my father.
 The damage was me.
 Sitting right in front of you.
 Someone, an actuary, has calculated the damage of your existence at £45,000.
 Yeah, okay.
 Good.
 Patrick.
 He stuck his hand up the wrong hole.
 Points for Patrick.
 Yeah, I think we have to give him points for that.
 He attempted to investigate the gassy build-up in a cow by inserting a tube and lighting the end with a cigarette lighter.
 The farmhouse was destroyed and the vet was fined £145 in court.
 I mean, he got away lightly, really.
 That brings us to the end of round two.
 Matthew, any points there?
 Fizzy Gravy are now on three points and the choreographed leopards are on two.
 Oh, it's exciting stuff.
 The questions from this round are from the excellent book,
 The Not Terribly Good Book of Heroic Failures by Stephen Pyre,
 which is published by Faber and Faber and is available from all good bookshops and probably the shit ones as well.
 We are lucky enough to have a guest question setter this series,
 and it is Nicholas Sparrow, one of the country's top 100 pest control experts.
 He joins us now live from a port-a-loo in Swatham.
 Let's go over to Nicholas now.
 Have a listen to this, Teams.
 Hello and welcome to another section of Sparrow's Eye View with your friend, Nicholas Sparrow, pest control expert.
 This week I'm going to talk to you about cheetahs, not the cat kind.
 Unlike their reputation, cheetahs are incredibly honest animals.
 Unlike dogs, we've all seen the paintings of those dogs playing cards.
 Well, I've never seen a dog playing cards, they've hid that from us well.
 This week I want the teams to discuss what pest would you use to aid you in cheating your way to win a gold at the Olympics.
 Okay, what pest, or I guess any animal could be considered a pest, that's up to you to define that,
 would you use to cheat your way into getting a gold at the Olympics?
 We'll start with the fizzy gravy people.
 Kangaroo?
 Kangaroo.
 How would that help?
 I didn't think of that before.
 Like high jump?
 High jump, boxing, I think kangaroos can be good at boxing.
 Boxing, put a kangaroo in a costume of you.
 Yes.
 Yes.
 In like a Patrick suit.
 Yeah.
 Okay.
 Incidentally, Matthew, I would like a Patrick suit for you to wear when we talk to each other.
 Noted.
 I think we would go with one of the shooting events.
 Yeah.
 And we would use the, well, we'll use bow and arrow and we'd use a starched cobra.
 Enrico?
 No, that's exactly right.
 Because the nice thing about cobras is that an arrow only has one point.
 Cobras have two.
 Yeah.
 Right?
 The two big teeth.
 And also, an arrow only has one point.
 And the cobra can open its mouth and like adjust, you know, the range of attack.
 Right?
 Yeah.
 Right.
 This is nice.
 For some reason, when in my head, it was the other way around.
 So the mouth was on the string and then the tail was just going in.
 But that's the fool's way to do it.
 That's why you would lose.
 Yeah.
 Yeah.
 All right.
 Two good answers.
 Let's see if any of them match Nicholas's answer.
 And now for the answers.
 The answer is, you don't cheat.
 I thought you were better than this, teams, to be honest.
 Don't sink to the dog's level.
 You're better than that.
 Please.
 Let's raise this show up a bit.
 You know, you've let yourselves down.
 And more importantly, you've let me down.
 Go away and have a cold, hard look at yourself in a wing mirror.
 Yeah, that's really disappointing.
 Don't cheat.
 I don't cheat.
 I mean, I think also in the, for the purpose of this recording, try not to defecate.
 Like, if you need to, I can tell you where the place is to do that.
 Does that mean you can untie my chains for about five minutes?
 No, you just shit, you shit in situ.
 That's why we call it in shit you.
 Okay.
 You just, that's why we call it that.
 Um, he was, you've let him down.
 You've let me down.
 You've let yourselves down.
 You've let the whole quiz down.
 You've let Matthew down.
 Uh, of course.
 Oh, is someone going to let me down?
 No.
 Stop trying to nibble through your ropes.
 What the, what the fuck?
 And it is, uh, not on the buzzers.
 Um, uh, it might be on the buzzers.
 It doesn't really matter.
 Let's face it.
 This whole fucking quiz is a complete shambles.
 You can do what you want, really.
 Um, question one, what is unusual about the 44-year-old Yosaki Mezawa's online dating profile?
 His name or her name.
 Yes.
 Or their name.
 Yeah, that, yeah, that's one thing.
 But of course, not unusual.
 It's all relative, isn't it?
 You'd probably think that the Chris Reed is a really exotic name.
 Someone in the world, right?
 For you.
 Well, it sounds Japanese.
 So maybe it's, maybe, um, they're actually a very sophisticated robot.
 Yeah, right.
 Looking for love.
 Yeah, maybe it is that, maybe it is that.
 Their face carved into a tree.
 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
 If you go online, you can find a lot of trees, like.
 Looking for love.
 Looking for love.
 Trees want love.
 Yeah.
 And water and sunlight, but mostly love.
 It's his profile picture, a mighty oak, but, uh, when he meets him, he's like a pine tree or something.
 Yeah.
 Never trust the profile photo synthesis.
 That doesn't work, is it?
 Heriko.
 Um, well, I, I, I learned.
 I, I, I've been told, um, that the best thing to do for dating profile photo is to be pictured
 doing something kind of adventurous.
 Um, so I'm, but I, I bet that he went kind of, or they went to the kind of obscure direction
 and maybe, you know, they're kind of pictured showing, climbing up a ladder with like a pencil
 on one of the runs.
 You know, like, I don't care what they say on the website.
 I don't care what highspeedtraining.co.uk says.
 I'm going to give you half a point there, Enrico, because adventure does come into it.
 He's looking for someone to travel to the moon with him in 2023 on SpaceX's first tourist flight.
 He's looking for an always positive person, aged 20 or over, to shout their love from outer space.
 If anyone's interested, I can let you have the, have the link.
 So he's not a tree.
 He's not, he's not, he's not a tree.
 Oh, right.
 Next question.
 What do Noel Gallagher, Greta Thunberg and Obi-Wan Kenobi have in common?
 None of them have seen Liam Gallagher for the last 10 years.
 Nice.
 Is it one of those things where like, you know, you know how some people can like curl their
 tongues in strange ways?
 I bet they can all do that.
 Like, you know, like make it into like a cone shape, for example.
 Do you think that I got one of the books for research I got for this quiz was people who
 could curl their tongue?
 Yeah.
 Just list everybody who can do it.
 It should exist if it doesn't.
 Okay.
 All right.
 We'll get on that.
 They've all met you, McGregor.
 Possible, I suppose.
 Possible, isn't it?
 They all eat.
 I mean, to give John a point for that, because it's probably true.
 I feel like Ewan McGregor would probably go out of his way to meet Greta Thunberg.
 That's the sort of thing he'd do.
 The answer, of course, is very, very obviously that they've all had salt spreaders named after
 them in Greater Manchester.
 It's obvious now, isn't it?
 Oh, yeah.
 So, would anyone like to have a guess at what their pun salt spreader names would be?
 Snowby One Kenobi.
 Close.
 Close.
 It's actually Snow Be Gone Kenobi.
 Is it Greta Thunberg?
 It's Greta Thunberg, yes.
 Who's lost with Noel Gallagher?
 Snowell.
 Snowell Gallagher, yeah.
 Enrico, you knew that that was right, but it pained you to say it.
 You've got a future in, like, sun headline writing, I think.
 Yep.
 All right.
 That brings us to the end of round five.
 Matthew, what are the scores?
 Well, there has been a slight comeback.
 It's now only four and a half to six with the Fizzy Gravy obviously winning because Fizzy Gravy
 always wins.
 Fizzy Gravy always wins, as the famous proverb.
 It's all to play for.
 It's excited.
 It's excited.
 Whatever it is, it is exciting.
 Matthew, can you open the cupboard and have a little look at it and tell me whether it's
 excited or not?
 This cupboard hasn't been opened in a while.
 Excited is probably not something that it is.
 I think dead is more.
 Okay, my mistake.
 It's dead.
 John's microphone's just fallen into his crotch.
 I think dead is more appropriate.
 Yeah.
 You said the magic word, which launches John's microphone into his crotch.
 Okay, right.
 Enough of this.
 We're, we're, we're, right.
 Come on.
 Ooh, ah, yeah.
 It's time to go to my favourite place.
 It's Matthew Corner.
 Look, up in the sky.
 It's a bird.
 It's a plane.
 No, it's that.
 Matthew.
 Matthew.
 How are you?
 I am wonderful, thank you.
 What's going on in your corner?
 What have you got for us this week, mate?
 I have a guessing game for the teams today.
 So as people may or may not be aware, but they will be very shortly, pilots of the US
 Army Air Force would often name their bomber aircraft and often adorn them with artwork
 to match.
 The names often were references to sweethearts back home, but some of them were just puns
 or just weird.
 Well, the same description can also be said of craft ales.
 So my challenge is for you to work out whether this is the name of a beverage or a World
 War II plane.
 So we're going to play Beer or Bomber.
 Yay!
 Wish we had a jingle for that.
 Ah, that would have been, that would have been good.
 Obviously, I tried to avoid obvious ones if I said Hoppy Ending or Circumcession Ale.
 You'd know they were planes.
 So shall we just go around the room?
 Who should we start with first?
 I'm going to start with Enrico.
 Okay.
 Apocalypse cow.
 Is that a bomber?
 Or is that a plane?
 A bomber or a plane?
 Bomber or a beer?
 It's a beer.
 It is a beer.
 Nice.
 Oh, lovely stuff.
 I mean, it's very straight to the point there.
 He's not messing around.
 Enrico wants this round over as quickly as possible.
 I am done with this.
 Matthew asked the question, sat back for a bit of banter.
 He's like, fuck, he's just answered this.
 Oh, God.
 Yeah.
 Oh, great.
 Who do we go for next?
 Somebody raise their hand.
 Oh, no, that's not going to work.
 It will do.
 You can see, just because we're on radio.
 We're not on radio.
 Why don't we just guess?
 Just anyone shout out.
 668, the number of the beast.
 Number of the beast?
 668, the neighbour of the beast.
 The neighbour of the beast.
 I think we should go around.
 I like that.
 Let's go around.
 Okay, John.
 Oh, hello.
 668, the neighbour of the beast.
 Oh, well, I presume that sounds like a bomber, mostly because I imagine they lived at 668
 Springfield Terrace, which is, as famous as we all know, the summer home of Charlie Brown
 and his horrible neighbour.
 So, bomber is my answer.
 It's actually a beer.
 Well, I think you're wrong.
 Well, you're going to have to find me evidence afterwards, and I'll retrospectively give you
 the point, but until then...
 Restrated point, I'll accept that.
 So, Perona, what about Pappy's Passion?
 Pappy's Passion.
 I wanted to say nappy, but that's not the option.
 Oh, no.
 Pappy's Passion.
 Like dad's...
 Beer, bomber, or nappy?
 Bomber.
 It is a bomber.
 Or was a bomber.
 Patrick, bootleg fireworks.
 Um, that sounds like a fiery beer.
 Spot on.
 Oh.
 That was almost a trick question, because it's very similar to a plane, because it's a firework,
 you see, like a...
 Fireworks fly in the sky.
 Hi.
 Hi.
 Why?
 Nobody knows.
 Back to Enrico.
 Defenseless Virgin.
 Hey, just ask him the question.
 Don't attack him.
 All right, so this time I'll take my time.
 Let me think.
 Well, on the one hand...
 Look for the 10 seconds of silence, and then the answer.
 Defenseless Virgin.
 It sounds weird to name a plane you use to kill people, or to, you know, Defenseless Virgin.
 Maybe there was kind of an ironic thing, like calling a big guy tiny, for example.
 So I'm going to go for bomber.
 It was a bomber.
 Oh, wow.
 Look at that.
 Good logic.
 Ooh.
 Uh, John.
 Hello.
 Panty peeler.
 Ah.
 Definitely a nappy.
 Oh.
 Do you know, um, I'm sure I've had one of these at a bar in Bristol, so I think it's
 a, I think it's some sort of weird beer.
 It's not a weird beer.
 It's a bomber.
 No, it is a beer.
 It's a beer.
 It's a beer.
 I think I've had one of these at a bar in Manchester.
 Bomber.
 Right, Perona, we're going for ten nights in a bar room.
 That wasn't an invite.
 That was a question.
 Wow.
 Forward.
 Ten nights in a bar room.
 Oh.
 Oh, sorry.
 I thought that was a comment.
 Wow.
 So I was waiting for the, the word.
 You just, uh, just ignoring his hideous advance before the question.
 So it was ten nights?
 Ten nights in a bar room.
 In a bar room.
 That, like, if it's ten nights in a bar room, it could be beer because you're drinking in a
 bar room for ten nights or something like that.
 Yeah.
 And then you become a bomb.
 So both.
 It's, uh, it's a bomber.
 But, like, beer turned into a bomber.
 Well, it's ten nights, as in, in shining armour.
 Ah.
 That was a trick question.
 And finally, Patrick.
 Kickapoo joy juice.
 Uh, I wouldn't want to drink it, so I'll say it's a bomber.
 Correct.
 Yay.
 Lovely stuff.
 Wow.
 That was a good round.
 That was one of my favourite Matthew callers ever.
 Which isn't saying much, because up to now, they've all been shit.
 Um, any points there?
 Yes, there were, Chris.
 Ah, good.
 Lovely.
 All right.
 Well, it's exciting, because it's the last round.
 No, hang on, that makes it sound like the quiz is awful.
 Everyone wants it to end.
 Oh, that's the truth.
 Let's not pretend otherwise.
 It's nearly over.
 Let's do the last thing.
 This jingle is going to be louder than it should be.
 Please cover your ears.
 Chris.
 Jen.
 It was louder in my ears, because I had headphones on.
 Is everybody still okay after that jingle?
 Are we all right?
 Okay, right.
 Okay, it's the exciting last round.
 It's quickfire on the buzzers.
 This is going to separate the, uh, the, well, the winners from the losers, quite literally.
 Matthew, how many points are in it?
 Um, sorry to say that.
 Not enough to make this interesting, so I'm just going to lie and say only half a point.
 Oh, it's close.
 It's anyone's game.
 Um, all right.
 Question one.
 Where is 85% of the world's horseradish grown?
 Bruna.
 China.
 No.
 Enrico.
 Horseradish town.
 No.
 Bruna.
 On the horses.
 No.
 Uh, John.
 Under the sea.
 No.
 Uh, Patrick.
 That was what I was going to say.
 No.
 Are you serious?
 Are you shitting me?
 Whoa.
 These two get points for telepathy.
 Oh.
 Um, I was in fact looking for the state of Illinois.
 Is the town called horseradish town?
 Is it, you just have the state, not the name of the town.
 I feel like it could be that I was right.
 Can you give Enrico a point just in case the town in Illinois is called?
 I can't, I can't be bothered to Google it.
 Just give him a point.
 Oh, I haven't finished writing question two, so I'm just going to ask it as is.
 Imagine a parallel universe where?
 John.
 All horseradishes grown under the sea.
 Yep.
 That's correct for a point.
 Any, any other thoughts, Enrico?
 Where this exact same podcast recording is happening, but we are one half, a half point
 ahead.
 Yes.
 Right?
 Yeah, right.
 Right.
 That's a dream.
 Yes.
 All good answers.
 Um, points there.
 Patrick, would you like to get a free point by saying something?
 Um, imagine a parallel universe where?
 Where Matt is wearing my skin.
 I don't have to imagine that.
 That's just my evening later on.
 Uh, question three.
 How many duplicate Eiffel Towers are there in the world?
 John.
 668.
 No.
 128.
 No.
 Enrico.
 It's a trick question because there's only one true Eiffel Tower.
 I mean, that's probably.
 Yeah, how many duplicates of the Eiffel Tower, how many duplicate Eiffel Towers are there?
 Does that semantically stand up?
 I don't know.
 I just wanted to make something that sounds funny.
 Minus one point to Enrico.
 I mean, they're keychains and they're like little Eiffel Towers everywhere.
 There are acres outside Paris where they grow.
 Eiffel Towers and harvesters for the tourists.
 Okay.
 So, the answer I've got written down is 30, but Perona makes a very, very good point.
 There's lots of key rings and keychains, so give Perona a point.
 Oh, can I get a PhD instead?
 Yeah, okay, give Perona a PhD.
 Okay.
 Can you write that on the score sheet?
 One PhD.
 Okay.
 Okay, I'm not sure it will help you.
 You could put it on your CV, I suppose.
 Okay, what do octopi do shortly after mating?
 Perona.
 Lose their tentacles.
 Tentacles?
 No, they're thinking.
 Yes, no, that was the right one.
 Ah, okay.
 Yeah, but no.
 But I thought you were worried that you said testicles, not tentacles.
 I was.
 I was just trying to say, no, no, you said the right one.
 It's okay.
 No, it's not that.
 Anyone else?
 Did you pass?
 Yeah, they surface for a cigarette.
 Or maybe eight cigarettes.
 Oh, I didn't say that.
 Oh, Enrico was going to say that.
 Minus one to Enrico for not being quick enough.
 John?
 Do they star in a series of mediocre films that host Leonardo DiCaprio?
 I'll give you a point for that, because the answer is die, and that's sort of creatively
 dying.
 So yeah, they die after they meet.
 Question five.
 How many people are in hell?
 John?
 668.
 No.
 As many are there in this room.
 What?
 Are you suggesting that the Idiot Win Panam Show podcast is hell?
 No.
 No, it's a single location.
 That's minus one to print.
 Any other thoughts?
 Thank God, you didn't take my PhD.
 None, all are forgiven.
 Ah, plus one point for Patrick for being a lovely messiah, Enrico.
 None because hell isn't real.
 No, it is in fact 266.
 What the hell is it?
 It's a town in Michigan.
 Oh.
 Who is this?
 Oh, then why would you do that when I said Asmonee is here?
 Have you been?
 It's a horrible town.
 It's a terrible town.
 Yeah, that's a very good point you made.
 Oh, right.
 Matthew, it's time for Matthew's impression.
 Horseradish, as far as the eye could see.
 Who was that?
 John?
 Miriam Margulies.
 I don't know.
 No, no, no.
 Prona or Patrick?
 The mayor of Illinois.
 Was it the mayor of Illinois?
 No, it's close.
 Any other guesses?
 Samwise Ganju.
 That's not close.
 Okay.
 No, it was my uncle, after quoting from the mayor of Illinois, about his guided tour of Illinois.
 Ah, maybe half a point for Patrick.
 Question seven.
 How big was the world's largest bubblegum bubble in diameter?
 Prona.
 668.
 668.
 It doesn't matter.
 No, whatever the measurement is.
 No, it's not right.
 John?
 Two.
 Two what?
 Inches.
 Two.
 Are you trying to say two sets of 11 and a half inches?
 Yes.
 Yeah, that's correct.
 23 inches.
 All right.
 Question eight.
 Name this song.
 Patrick?
 Hey, yeah.
 Yes.
 Extra bonus point for the artist.
 Anyone?
 Enrico?
 Outcast.
 Yeah, Outcast.
 Point to Enrico as well.
 And the final question of the quiz.
 What is the top speed of a badger?
 Enrico?
 I don't know, but someone I know, know someone who, a badger,
 ran over his foot and it broke it.
 Oh.
 Like, it was so heavy and fast that it actually broke someone's foot.
 That's not the question.
 No, it isn't.
 Minus one point to Enrico.
 John?
 Two.
 No.
 Two what?
 Inches per hour.
 Inches per hour?
 Are you trying to say...
 No, not either.
 Anyone else?
 I would imagine who's wearing the badger suit.
 An actual badger in miles per hour.
 How fast do you reckon?
 Ten.
 No.
 I don't understand miles anymore.
 It's in fact 19 miles per hour.
 It's the top speed of a badger.
 That brings us to the end of the quiz, Matthew.
 What are the final scores?
 Well, it was tense.
 And despite Enrico trying to lose all of the points I've been gained,
 it did finish very near-ish, I guess,
 relative to the size of the universe.
 The choreographed leopards finished on 11 and a half,
 but Fizzy Gravy had 14 and a half points and a PhD.
 Wow.
 And a PhD.
 Thank you, thank you.
 We have to share between you.
 What are you going to spend your winnings on?
 Any thoughts?
 My PhD.
 You're going to bribe examiners to get your actual PhD.
 Oh, sorry.
 Probably shouldn't broadcast that.
 Well, we could just buy a certificate off the internet.
 Yeah.
 Yes.
 Oh, and then we can frame it and put it up in the house.
 Oh, you two are going to move in together
 because this quiz has been so successful.
 Oh, I love it.
 That brings us to the end.
 Thank you to Patrick and Prana,
 to Enrico and John,
 to Matthew in Matthew Corner,
 and of course,
 Nicholas Sparrow coming to us from the Port-a-loo.
 And for all of you for listening,
 we have been doing Idiot Wind
 and we'll be doing it again soon.
 So we'll see you soon when we do more.
 Thank you.
 Bye-bye.
 I'm Chris Reid.
 I forgot to say that.
 This podcast was brought to you by Fantata,
 Dogface Improv and Slow Theatre Company
 and was executive produced by Amy Wamo.
 The music is Yes I Do by the Malveens.
 Help us to make more episodes
 by supporting the show at patreon.com forward slash idiot wind.
 Oh yeah, baby.
 Hotface.
 Hotface.