HOT FACE
 HOT FACE
 It's in your way!
 Hello and welcome to Series 5, Episode 3 of Idiot Wind.
 We'd like to be back with another collection of idiocy for your enjoyment.
 I'm surrounded by five. Why not five?
 Why not say the actual number of people that are here, Chris?
 Idiots, to bring you idiocy into your little ear holes right now.
 This episode is themed around the exciting theme of money,
 which, you know, makes people very excited.
 I personally am hoping that we get past the terrible affliction of capitalism
 and move towards a more cooperative state like they have in Star Trek.
 Military-based communism, I think, is the utopia that we're all looking for.
 Let's meet the teams.
 On my left is the delightful Danny O'Hara!
 Hey, Danny, how are you? How do you feel about money?
 Oh, I have a similar feeling to you, but I feel that also...
 Military comment, is it?
 Well, not so much the military bit, but...
 It's a nice military, though.
 Okay. I'm not a big Star Trek-y person.
 No.
 As much as I've tried to convert you, you're not, are you?
 No.
 And joining Danny is...
 Tell us something about money, Danny.
 Oh, money is a song...
 Well, money, money, money is a song by ABBA,
 who are celebrating their 50th anniversary of their win at Eurovision this year.
 Yeah, wow.
 Do you reckon their holograms are out getting pissed up?
 Oh, I want to see the holograms.
 Yeah.
 Now, they're doing good...
 Speaking of money, they're doing good money from that.
 They have worked out how to not have to do gigs
 and still make money from gigs that happen every day.
 Coming from a socialist country,
 they've done very well with capitalism.
 They have done quite well with capitalism, aren't they?
 Socialist-capitalist, I should say, actually.
 They're not a socialist country, but yeah.
 Yeah, right.
 Good.
 Lovely little history lesson there for us all.
 I'm trying to think of an ABBA punter to do, Susanna.
 Hang on.
 Take a chance on...
 Susannity Jones?
 Yeah.
 I will.
 Joining Danny is Susannity Jones.
 Welcome.
 Woo-hoo.
 Hello.
 How are you doing?
 Not as good as I would be if you were paying me, Chris.
 Well, there we go.
 There we go.
 You see, money would soil this, I think, would taint it, wouldn't it?
 Mm, yeah.
 When I announced the episode title earlier, what this one was, the theme of this one, there
 was only one person who went, yes!
 And that was you, STJ.
 You like money?
 Where do you stand on money?
 I think, really, the joy of money really depends on the base materials.
 The round gold-coloured pound coins, now that's what you want money to look like.
 Yeah.
 Paper bank notes, that's in a substantial.
 You want £100 to feel voluptuous in the hand.
 You want £100 coins?
 A hundred, exactly.
 If I got my salary in pound coins, I would feel minted.
 Yeah.
 Imagine, you could, like, throw them all up in the air.
 No, that would hurt on the way down with this.
 That would hurt.
 Yeah, don't do that.
 All right.
 Well, lovely to have you two with us.
 Do you have a team name?
 We do.
 And over to you, Susanna.
 We are, ooh, ah, just a little bit coin.
 Lovely stuff.
 Very nice.
 And do you happen to have a team mascot?
 Oh, well.
 No?
 Obviously, we do.
 Just by your faces.
 No, we do.
 We have one of those things you mentioned earlier, sitting right here.
 What did I mention earlier?
 I've mentioned so many things.
 The Yabba.
 Look, it's there.
 A hologram.
 A little hologram.
 Oh, my God, it's Benny.
 Yeah, hologram Benny.
 Hello, Benny.
 Benny's just going to sit down.
 I don't know why he's decided to sit on the floor, but he has.
 Are they going to do any songs?
 I bloody hope so.
 Yeah.
 We didn't pay him great, so I don't know what the contract said.
 Well, lovely stuff.
 We look forward to hearing from Little Abba later on.
 And facing off against this team is another team headed up by the capitalist commander-in-chief, Mark Womersley.
 Hello, Mark.
 Hello.
 How are you?
 I'm all right, actually.
 And yes, I'm awake.
 Well, that's good.
 That's a good start.
 Good.
 This episode's about money.
 Mm-hmm.
 Do you have any thoughts on money?
 Yes.
 Don't wait to leave it to other people.
 Take, get rid of it before you die.
 Get rid of it.
 Yeah.
 Use it.
 Oh, okay.
 Not get rid of it, like flush it down the toilet.
 Well, no.
 But if it comes to that and you know you're just about to die, flush it.
 Rather than leaving it to your loved ones?
 Well, as I've gone through life, I've kind of alienated myself and I don't have any loved ones left.
 But Benny's saying that he's quite happy if you want to invest in him.
 I would if it was Benny from Crossroads.
 I'm topical.
 Danny makes a good point, actually.
 You could leave it to ABBA because they are, you know, they're only making several billion dollars a day.
 No, I wouldn't do that.
 No, fuck it.
 That's silly.
 Let's not be silly on the idiot window.
 Let's not.
 Mamma mia, it's Steve Heworth.
 Hello.
 How are you?
 I'm good.
 I'm good.
 I'm, yeah.
 Waterloo, have you been doing that?
 I, well, just before I sat down here, I got a notification from my bank saying I'm overdrawn,
 which will probably be true whenever somebody listens to this, you know, now or now that that will be true.
 I'm no financial expert, but that sounds positive to be over, over is a positive word, right?
 Over.
 Oh, yeah, yeah.
 I want to actually start taking those as positives, yeah, yeah, rather than weeping, which has been my traditional response.
 Yeah, they'll probably send you a text going, hey, you, well done, you're overdrawn.
 Like, overjoyed, it sounds like overjoyed.
 I mean, because they are when it happens, really.
 I feel they're, it's like when you walk, like, a thousand steps in a day or ten thousand, and they do a little ticket parade on your, when someone goes overdrawn, balloons go off in Santander.
 The bank, not the small Spanish town.
 That would be annoying for them.
 Yeah.
 Lovely stuff.
 Do you have a team name?
 Yes, we do.
 What is it?
 We have a team name and a philosophy, and that is, we're open to bribes.
 Which I believe was the slogan behind the Prime Minister at the last, kind of, conference of whoever is in power when you listen to this.
 Little mini Rishi, who is playing with the ABBA people.
 Yeah, standing on a bucket behind the podium.
 Lovely stuff, and do you have a mascot?
 Yes, we do.
 Dollar Bill Gates.
 Which sounds a bit more like a stripper now.
 It does, very much so.
 That's what I was hoping.
 Are they in miniature hologram form?
 No, they don't exist.
 Oh, yeah.
 Yeah, they're a financial form of currency.
 Yeah, they're a crypto mascot.
 Are they a crypto mascot?
 Yes.
 Okay, lovely stuff.
 But we'll check that out later on the blockchain.
 So, there's only one more thing to do, and that's go over to, you know what, I'm very mean about this person, and it's well placed.
 Matthew, how are you?
 High.
 You're high?
 Yes, I am high off of the love you keep radiating towards me, Chris.
 And the little doobie you had out the back.
 No comment.
 Okay, good stuff.
 Do you have any thoughts about money?
 I've kind of progressed beyond a money-based lifestyle, to be honest.
 What's your lifestyle based on?
 Mostly just sitting there with no money out on the streets.
 Sorry, I'm laughing, I'm just laughing at that.
 It's just finding that funny.
 You know, you exchange things for goodwill.
 Do you?
 Well, yeah, I've been in bands.
 How good is Will?
 Is he?
 Hunting.
 He can be very good.
 Yeah, he's all hunting.
 But as a musician, I've been in many bands, and I've done tech for tyrants like you.
 I'm used to getting paid in exposure or goodwill.
 So I've just kind of learned to own it, and that is how my currency is based.
 Can we talk about your exposure?
 I pay him in exposure.
 Not in a recorded format, please.
 Lovely stuff.
 Oh, right.
 I'm excited by the concept of money, even though nobody here is getting paid or going to make anything.
 Oh, hey, you know, if you'd like to support Idiot Wind, the podcast, you can go to podface.co forward slash Idiot Wind, and you can send us some of your hard-earned cash if you would like to.
 All of this talk of money is making me hungry for quiz.
 Let's go.
 Sort it out.
 All right, teams, our first round is sort it out.
 I am going to give you a statement, a question, a conundrum, that sort of thing, and all I want is you to have a go at working out what is on the list of the nine steps.
 That you should take if you want to become a millionaire, a millionaire, a millionaire.
 That's the hats episode.
 Make hats.
 What nine steps you should take to become a...
 Oh, is it a buzzer?
 Millionaire.
 No, it's not a buzzer, and I also haven't been intrigued in the question.
 According to the NASDAQ website, what are nine steps you should take to become a millionaire?
 Well, first of all, comrades, if I may, I'd like to point out the ableist term of that question.
 Which is obviously the concept of which has stopped me becoming a millionaire to this stage, basically.
 If we could have the nine slopes or the nine ramps, I would very much appreciate it.
 Very good point.
 Okay, thank you.
 And I can only apologise on behalf of NASDAQ.
 Yes, you should.
 Because you're one of their alien agents, even.
 I'm an agent for the NASDAQ Stock Exchange.
 Yes.
 That's the strangest thing you've ever said to me.
 It's the nicest thing.
 It's also the nicest thing.
 I watched TikTok.
 The TikTok?
 The TikTok.
 No, right.
 So, I watched a thing on social media.
 Other social media things are out there.
 And there was someone saying, the way to get rich.
 And they said, and I quote, the words are, destroy your debt.
 Oh.
 Yeah, so this is good news.
 And I have started to destroy all evidence that we have any debt.
 So, we are on the right path, I believe.
 Lovely stuff.
 Maybe some tips for your overdraft there.
 Just destroy it.
 So, you're saying I should destroy the small Spanish town of Santander.
 Well, I really thought about it.
 I thought, well, actually, I'll just destroy all paper evidence, all electronic evidence.
 And then all memory.
 That way, it's destroyed.
 Good plan.
 We'll see if it gets some points in a minute.
 Anyone else?
 If it was me, I would create an artificial scarcity of geese.
 Because I think anything, you can choose anything.
 And if it's scarce, then it's valuable.
 So, I believe.
 So, if you join the RSPB, infiltrate them, call all the geese under the guise of being a bird saviour.
 Some kind of geese guise.
 Under the geese guise in disguise.
 And then you kidnap them.
 And then you sell them back to people once they have a sort of luxury item in a status symbol.
 All of that is a sign of your affluence that you own a goose.
 Yeah.
 I think there's, yeah.
 In banking terms, are you shorting geese?
 Or are you longing geese?
 I don't know.
 Are you longing for geese?
 Well, the public will be.
 And that's the point.
 Yes.
 And that's the point.
 That's it.
 I do get your point.
 Because this reminds me of another thing I saw.
 Where people were saying, it had the headline.
 Why didn't we think of this before?
 And it was somebody who had wet hair.
 Get this, people.
 They put their hair in a thing that looks like a towel.
 But it's not a towel.
 And then it wraps their hair up.
 And it looks like a towel wrapped up on your head.
 But it isn't.
 And it partially dries your hair whilst it's in that thing.
 Now, my point is, is that looks like a towel to me.
 Yeah.
 But they're selling that in 1999.
 Are they?
 Yeah.
 But you could just use a towel.
 Of course you can.
 Yeah.
 Okay.
 Anyone else?
 Well, my first two steps would be believe in yourself.
 And believe in Santa.
 Sorry, there's a typo there.
 Believe in Satan.
 That will help you get to billionaires.
 Status.
 You've got a step above.
 You've gone into the world of billionaires.
 I like your ambition.
 Oh, okay.
 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
 You've just had the correct sort of shortbread, shortcake, shortbread, I think, haven't you?
 To become a millionaire?
 I have.
 Greg's...
 I can't remember if it was millionaire or billionaire shortbread.
 I don't know if Greg's is.
 Either way, it's money in the bank, Steve.
 It's probably like ten a shortbread, to be honest.
 Yeah, or other bakeries in...
 We're not on the BBC.
 We can say Greg's.
 Yeah, but I don't want to give Greg's.
 We've said it four times now.
 There's other bakeries.
 Go to them.
 I called it at a motorway service station, so it was quite expensive as well.
 So, you know, mostly only millionaires buy that sort of stuff.
 Let's go over to Matthew and see if anybody scored any points.
 There were indeed some points there.
 Woo-hoo!
 I will go down the list and I will point out where people got points, except for right
 at the beginning, Steve gets a point for saying working with Satan, because half of these
 would apply with that.
 So, in order, invest in the stock market, invest in real estate, develop high income skills,
 save and invest over time.
 Now, Susanna gets a point for ride economic waves.
 Waves because of geese and also economy of geese.
 So, well done.
 Get out of debt.
 So, Danny gets a point.
 Even though it's a morally dubious way of getting out of debt, it still applies.
 Cut down on expenses.
 Work with a financial advisor.
 Generate multiple income streams.
 Streams, that is the list.
 All in all, we mean one point for Steve, one for Danny, one for STJ.
 So, it's 2-1 currently.
 Woo!
 Lovely stuff.
 What a flying start.
 I feel like I should have got a point for multiple streams.
 I talked about the Tao thing.
 That's true.
 Yeah, possibly.
 Well, no, don't doubt the Matthew.
 I've already decided.
 Yeah, it's fine.
 What's done is done.
 You can't change a Matthew.
 Once a Matthew's made up, you can't change a Matthew.
 It's factually correct.
 Yeah.
 Yeah.
 All right.
 All right.
 All right.
 That's that shit done.
 All right.
 Oh, that's round one.
 Oh, amazing.
 Oh, I love it.
 I think the only sensible thing now is to move on to round two.
 Yes, round two is what the what the fuck.
 We've got some surprising news stories for you to guess something about from all over the world.
 So, it's fingers on buzzers, teams.
 And question one.
 Why did a German bank clerk accidentally transfer 222 million euros instead of the requested 64 euros 20?
 Steve.
 Because he wanted to.
 No, that is not right.
 Danny.
 I mean, because his fingers were slippy and they slipped on the numbers.
 Half a point.
 Anyone else want to buzz in?
 Susanna T. Jones.
 Did his cat walk across the keyboard?
 No.
 Oh.
 It was his goose.
 No.
 Mark.
 Was the piece of paper upside down?
 No.
 Oh.
 It was, in fact, because the German bank clerk accidentally fell asleep onto the keyboard.
 Is that German bank clerk still a German bank clerk?
 Unfortunately, Danny, you've destroyed all your bank accounts.
 So, you can no longer receive money.
 Question two.
 What did detectorist Richard Brooke find 20 minutes into his search after turning up an hour and a half late to a group dig in Shropshire and finding that his metal detector was broken and then using his backup metal detector?
 That's a very long question.
 Danny.
 A very valuable gold coin.
 Well, I mean, yeah, that is the answer, but we're trying to do comedy answers before that.
 So, we'll paste that in at the end.
 Anyone got any comedy answers?
 Steve.
 Is it a very valuable gold coin?
 Fuck off.
 Yes, Danny.
 His dinner from the night before.
 No, it wasn't that.
 Mark.
 A shovel.
 No.
 Yeah, Susanna.
 Did he find in a piece?
 He probably did, because actually what he found was...
 Oh, no.
 Sorry.
 Please buzz in and give the right answer.
 Danny.
 A very valuable gold coin.
 Oh, close.
 Half a point.
 A horde.
 Yeah.
 Well, yeah.
 Yeah, yeah.
 Absolutely.
 Okay.
 That team gets the full point.
 He turned up.
 His friends had been detecturing for hours and hours, and he turned up.
 He then got his metal detector out of his car, which was broken, so he had to use his backup
 one.
 And then 20 minutes in, he found the largest gold nugget ever found in England.
 Worth £30,000.
 Which, when I read that, I was like, oh, that's not as much as you'd think it would be.
 Having said that, I would be happy finding £30,000.
 That would be nice.
 In the year 301, the Roman Emperor Diocletian fixed prices of all goods.
 What was the punishment for not complying?
 Mark.
 Paying higher prices.
 No.
 Danny.
 Being sent to England.
 No.
 Susanna.
 Having to wear a super ugly toga.
 No.
 Steve.
 Going in the Roman bath after everyone else has finished.
 No, it's not that.
 Any more guesses?
 Skinned alive.
 I'll give you half a point.
 I'll give you a point, because it probably was something like that, because they were pretty
 horrible in them days.
 It was death.
 It was indeed death.
 But it backfired, because pretty much all shops just stopped selling things, because they
 were worried that they would be killed.
 So yeah, they had to backtrack on the promise of death.
 Question four.
 Well, on March 23rd, 2011, two men armed with masks and guns held up two tellers in a small
 bank in Houston, Houston, and made off with $62,000.
 Two days later, they were caught.
 But how?
 What led them to them?
 What led them?
 What led to them being caught?
 Danny.
 They'd left their surfboards behind.
 No.
 Steve.
 They bought a lot of millionaire shortbread.
 No.
 For $62,000.
 Danny.
 It was in dollar, it was in coins.
 It was hard to pull them around.
 Their trousers were weighed down.
 Yeah, everything was weighed down.
 No.
 Any other guesses?
 How were these silly people caught?
 Danny.
 They had a selfie.
 They took a selfie outside.
 Half a point.
 One of the counter staff who was on duty that day posted on Facebook, I'm a rich bitch.
 And her boyfriend posted, wipe my teeth with hundreds.
 Which led police to deduce that they might have been involved.
 When the gang of four was arrested, it turned out that one of the others had posted, you have
 to cross the line sometimes to get money.
 Wow.
 I don't know what to say to that.
 How did the court case go?
 Did it?
 There we go.
 That is the end of round three.
 Two.
 One.
 Last of.
 That's the end of round two.
 Matthew, did anyone score points there?
 Yes, we are up two.
 Two points for We're Open to Brides.
 We're Open to Brides, apparently.
 Excellent.
 Good news.
 That's our other website.
 Two points to We're Open to Brides.
 And three and a half for Who Are Just a Little Bitcoin.
 I don't like saying that.
 I feel dirty.
 Who Are Just a Little Bitcoin.
 That's so good.
 All right.
 On to round three.
 It's The Wheel of Things.
 Yes, that's right.
 It's The Wheel of Things.
 Matthew, could you wheel out the wheel?
 Do I have to?
 Well, the wheel is on wheels, specifically who can wheel it out.
 Yes, but it's still really heavy and you keep adding things to it.
 It's a really big wheel.
 What do you want to do?
 Do you want to just go in the back and spin it in situ?
 Yeah, I'll just shout out what it is.
 Okay.
 600 violins and a Volvo.
 Ah, 600 violins and a Volvo.
 Lovely.
 I love this game.
 What's going to happen is I am going to give you a big thing, big expensive thing.
 No, I'm not actually going to give you a big expensive thing.
 I'm going to name a big expensive thing and then you each have to, in quite quick fire-ness,
 without much thinking time, tell me what it's worth as a multiple of smaller things.
 And you get to choose the smaller things.
 So, for example, 600 violins and a Volvo is why it's called that.
 Okay.
 You can choose any object.
 You're not allowed to repeat an object that has been in this round before at all.
 Okay, right, Marco, we're going to start with you.
 The first object, over to you, Marco, is a Volvo XC90 Recharge Ultimate with a ticket value of...
 Actually, no, I'm not going to tell you the ticket value.
 A Volvo XC90 Recharge Ultimate.
 200 Fender guitars.
 200 Fender guitars.
 1,000 Star Wars T-shirts that I've got two pounds off.
 STJ.
 I'd say around 80 pedigree corgis.
 80 pedigree corgis.
 And Danny.
 Can you just remind me what it is?
 It's a Volvo XC90 Recharge Ultimate.
 Is that a car?
 It's a car.
 Right.
 I'm going to say 13,099 Mr. Whippies.
 Ooh.
 Mr. Whippy 99.
 99, you know.
 Yep.
 Gotcha.
 Very clever.
 Thatcher's babies.
 Yeah.
 Ooh.
 Clever.
 How many Thatcher's babies?
 You know how much Thatcher's babies are going for these days.
 Oh, my God.
 So, the Volvo XC90 Recharge Ultimate has a ticket price of £85,000.
 £85,000?
 Yeah.
 Oh, flipping noise.
 Okay.
 I haven't got to estimate.
 Yeah, yours is quite work-outable.
 Matthew will be thanking you for that.
 Are we going for closest?
 Yeah, we're going for closest.
 We're going for closest.
 I think, yeah.
 Okay.
 In which case, in last place, we have Steve's Star Wars t-shirts, which would roughly, according
 to a quick internet search, be about £18,000.
 Okay.
 Surprisingly cheap.
 I know, even limited edition ones.
 Then, we have Pedigree Corgis at £160,000.
 That's way more than...
 Yeah, it's always twice as much.
 ...than a Volvo.
 Oh, wow.
 Fenders, I had to go for the US Standard, because, of course, as you should know, there are different
 series of Fenders made in Mexico or America.
 So, going for the bog standard American one, that's a whopping £400,000.
 That is, yeah, very, very pricey guitars.
 So, the closest is actually £13,099 Mr Whippies at £25,281.07.
 Okay, and the points go to Danny.
 What a lovely start.
 Okay, teams, we're going to start with Danny this time.
 The object is Snake Island in Ontario, Canada.
 I'll give you the description of Snake Island.
 It is 6.8 acres of private island on Georgian Bay.
 10 minutes by boat to mainland or Honey Harbour.
 Approved and installed septic system.
 Building permit available.
 Enjoy stunning panoramic sunset views and sunrises.
 Peace and tranquility.
 Dock, storage shed and bunkie included.
 I'm going to go for a one Mr. and Mrs. Sunak annual income.
 Shhh, okay.
 Is that?
 Yeah, I mean, the idea is it's like lots of small things.
 Oh, okay.
 He is a small thing.
 Yeah, okay, good.
 We'll go with that.
 STJ.
 Okay, I'm going to go with seven billion freddos.
 Look at his face.
 Matthew has got some work to do.
 Stevie.
 Wow.
 I'm going to go with 40,000 copies of the Ghostbusters Switch video game as sold in B&M.
 Mark?
 Half an Airbus.
 Half an Airbus.
 Okay.
 Matt could probably do that one without searching the internet.
 What type of Airbus?
 What model?
 The standard.
 A 320 series.
 Yes.
 Can I ask what an Airbus is?
 It's a plane.
 We think of chocolate.
 It's a bus that flies.
 That's why I'm asking.
 It's a plane.
 It's a plane.
 Jumbo.
 A jumbo.
 You can get it in mint flavour as well.
 Okay, so Snake Island, Ontario, Canada is available for a snip at £330,000.
 Oh.
 It has no buildings on it whatsoever.
 It's got a dock storage shed and a bunkie.
 I don't know what a bunkie is.
 Anyone know what a bunkie is?
 A bunker?
 It's a monkey with a cold.
 So £330,000, Matthew.
 Who got close?
 Well, in reverse order then.
 I realise I did it wrong last time, but whatever.
 £7,000,000,000 Freddo's apparently would cost £252,000,000.
 So that's way off.
 That's quite a way off.
 The sooner income was apparently £8,000,000,000 roughly.
 So, again, as well.
 I missed the Airbus.
 Airbus is £50,500,000,000.
 That is about half the price.
 Which means that Steve is closest because it's about £400,000 for the Ghostbusters game.
 That's really close.
 Really close.
 Good work.
 Right, so, tallying that up, we now have, we're open to bribes on £5,000,000, and ooh, ah, just a little Bitcoin on £6,500,000,000.
 Whoa, all to play for.
 Only one of them points and a half in it.
 With everything in the balance, it is time for the final round.
 It's time for questions.
 Questions.
 Fingers on the buzzer, teams.
 This is a high-octane, quick-fire round of questions.
 And question one, what did Nicolas Cage buy at auctioneer for $276,000?
 A cage.
 No.
 Mark.
 A pig.
 No.
 Steve.
 A DVD of a film he made in the 1980s.
 No.
 Susannity Jones.
 A mosaic portrait of himself made of infinitely smaller pictures of himself.
 It sounds amazing, but no, it was in fact a 67-million-year-old Tyrannosaurus Rex skull.
 Question two, what has Rihanna ensured for $1,000,000,000?
 $2,000,000,000?
 Mark.
 Her umbrella.
 No.
 No.
 Steve.
 Nicolas Cage.
 No.
 Susanna.
 Is it her teeth?
 No.
 Danny.
 Part of her body.
 Yes.
 More specific, please.
 Her bottom.
 No, her legs.
 And boobs.
 No, her legs.
 But it was in fact her legs.
 Question three, how much money is there in the world?
 Danny.
 A good deal.
 Yep, have a point.
 Anyone else want to have a guess?
 All of it, apart from a couple of quid that got left on the space station.
 Yeah, also true, have a point.
 If you want a monetary figure, it's in fact $94,000,000,000.
 Question four, what am I thinking of?
 Danny.
 Cheese.
 No.
 Steve.
 A kebab.
 No.
 Mark.
 Me.
 No.
 Danny.
 Bed.
 No.
 Anyone?
 No, it was in fact money.
 Okay.
 Question five, who is this?
 Oh, great idea.
 Mark.
 Alan Partridge.
 No.
 Nicola Sturgeon.
 No.
 Steve.
 Hugh Grant.
 No.
 Danny.
 Rhiannon.
 No, it was John Maynard Keynes, probably.
 Okay, lovely.
 Question six, what is used as currency on the island of Yap in the Solomon Islands?
 Susanna.
 Dog food.
 No.
 Steve.
 A yak.
 No.
 Mark.
 Eggs.
 No.
 Danny.
 Bananas.
 No.
 12-foot stone discs called raystones.
 Question seven, is there more Monopoly money or real money printed in the world every year?
 Danny.
 Monopoly money.
 That's correct.
 Question eight, how much does it cost the Bank of England to make a 1p coin?
 Mark.
 Ten pence.
 No.
 Danny.
 One pound.
 No.
 Susanna.
 Half a pea.
 No.
 Steve.
 40p.
 No, 1.2p.
 Question nine, why is Walter Kavanagh of California known as Mr. Plastic Fantastic?
 Danny.
 Because he has got fantastic plastics in his bottom.
 Oh, no, sadly not.
 Mark.
 He invented the credit card.
 No.
 Steve.
 He is an action man.
 No.
 He's one part of the Fantastic Plastics singing duo.
 No.
 Susanna.
 Just because it rhymed and his mates started calling him it as a joke and it caught on.
 That is probably it.
 Or it might be because he has 13,000 credit cards.
 Wow.
 And a very big wallet.
 Question.
 I said credit card.
 Yeah, you did.
 But you said he invented the credit card.
 Yeah.
 He didn't.
 But we give points more dubiously than that.
 He must have invented one of them.
 I mean, if there are 30,000 credit cards, probably he's made up.
 He's invented one himself.
 If you've got 30,000, do you remember the number on the back of all of them?
 I don't think you do.
 You don't.
 And I'd like to apologise for prologuing this even.
 Yes.
 Me too.
 I don't want to ask question 10.
 I thought it was funny when I wrote it down that this would be the end of the quiz.
 I didn't realise what an ordeal this episode would be.
 You can get rid of it in post-production.
 Question 10.
 For one point, name 17 things you could do with money.
 Danny, off you go.
 You can pay people to listen to this.
 You can pay us for coming and taking part.
 You can pay Matthew in the corner.
 You can provide alcohol next time.
 You can give us all chocolate.
 You can pay me.
 You can give money to...
 It's not all things that I can do with money.
 Oh, just money in general.
 One can do with money.
 Oh, OK.
 We can all get paid by other people.
 We can pay people for putting up with us in their lives.
 Donate, donate, donate, donate.
 OK, we can buy cheese for the hamper.
 We can buy lubricant.
 It's an infinite hamper.
 It needs no cheese.
 We can buy lubricant off my new lubricant.co store.
 Oh, it's all going downhill fast.
 Seven more.
 We can give Susanna money.
 And we can give Steve money.
 I think we've already done that.
 Oh, OK.
 We can give money to the people that need it most, the telecom people.
 We can pay...
 Oh, too.
 This is the first draft of Bob Geldof's speech.
 We can pay for the aeroplanes.
 We can give some money to Greta.
 And we can reinstall silent movies with money.
 Two more.
 And we can pay off the debt of everyone in this room.
 And then we can pay me for this.
 Yeah, well done.
 Lovely stuff.
 Well done, Daniel O'Hara.
 That is probably the best way of earning, or the most work done to earn a point that this show has ever seen.
 That amazing feat by Daniel O'Hara brings us to the end of the quiz.
 Matthew, what are the final scores?
 Well, there was only a point and a half in it, which is pretty close by idiot win standards.
 Unfortunately, Steve and Mark are on the losing team, nine.
 And Danny and Susannity Jones are today's winners with ten and a half.
 Well done.
 Woo!
 Fantastically done, you two.
 What are you going to spend your vast winnings on?
 Well, I'm going to let Susanna talk on that, because I've done a lot of spending lately.
 What are you going to do?
 I mean, by Danny's list, half of her uses would be paying herself.
 Yeah.
 Yeah.
 So, presumably, you're going to pay Danny?
 Yeah, I'm going to pay Danny, and then Danny can pay me, and we can just enjoy that feeling of generosity.
 This has actually been a winner for us, because we were taking a bribe to throw this show, so we did that.
 Match fixing.
 Yeah, absolutely.
 Now we can afford to buy our way out of the contract that we're in with this.
 Yeah.
 Thank you so much for listening.
 Thank you for being here.
 You have been listening to Susannity Jones.
 Susanna, what should people do if they want to find stuff that you're doing?
 I have an Instagram that I never update called Susanna Does Stand Up.
 I'm in a sketch group called The Earlham Bus Incident.
 They're social media handlers at earlham underscore sketch.
 Also, if you like toilets, I have an Instagram account called Review My Lou, where I go to different toilets in Norwich and rate them out of 10, and you can follow it if you like.
 It's absolutely free.
 Thank you so much.
 Danny.
 I'm going to follow that.
 Me too.
 Fantastic.
 You can find out what I'm up to via dogfaceimprov.com or via Slow Theatre Company, or just, you know, call me.
 Marco.
 Just look up Biscuit Factory Improv on Facebook.
 Lovely stuff.
 Steve-o, anything to promote?
 I'm with the Intellectual Hooligans.
 We have a website, probably with the name Intellectual Hooligans in it, and socials and that sort of thing.
 And I've got a website, and you can find out a bit about me there, stephenkeyworth.com.
 And I might have something on BBC Sounds when you listen.
 There's usually something that comes around.
 Oh, yeah.
 Adapting.
 Is this The Man Who Fell to Earth?
 Oh, The Man Who Fell to Earth goes out in May 2024.
 If you're listening to this in the future, then you may have missed that.
 Well, they're not going to be listening to it in the past.
 Yeah.
 They'll tell you that for nothing.
 But it's starring Christopher Eccleston.
 It is.
 Incredibly exciting.
 Yeah.
 Well, thank you.
 And Matthew, anything you want to promote?
 Well, as you know, I'm not actually real.
 I'm a figment of your imagination.
 But to show how committed Chris is to creating my character, you can find me on YouTube as CaptainVFC,
 where I build model planes and drop stuff on the floor quite a lot.
 And it's a good watch.
 And it's CPT underscore VFC?
 Yeah, that's right.
 I'm also in a variety of bands, but I won't share the exact names because it changes every 10 seconds.
 Thank you for joining us.
 Please come back and listen to it again.
 Next time we play this silly game, let's have one final piece of monetary wisdom from Matthew.
 If you spend more than you earn, you must be a government.
 And on that note, we say goodbye.
 See you next time.
 This has been Idiot Win.
 The theme music is Yes I Do by the Melvins.
 This has been a PodFace production.
 PodFace.
 PodFace.
 PodFace.