HOT FACE HOT FACE HOT FACE Oh hello, hello, welcome, welcome, welcome one and all to another episode of that which we call Idiot Wind. It's the panel show podcast made for idiots by idiots and boy do we have some idiots lined up for you here today. Your team captain Danny O'Hara is to my left. Danny, how are you? Oh, I'm pretty good, yeah. The sun's come out. Whoop, whoop. Yeah, it has. Yeah, I'm really good. I'm sorry. I mean, hyper, we're supposed to be more average. I'm really good. What? No, it's fine, it's fine. I show too much enthusiasm. You're fond of the sun? I like a bit of the sun. Not the newspaper. Oh, sorry, yeah, no, I like the sun. You like the sun newspaper? Yeah, no. Which one has the capital S? Do you like the one? What about your sun? The sun of the capital S. Okay, let's not get too sidetracked early on. You're fond of the sun, the big Bernie ball in the sky? I like a bit of sun. Don't want to be in it, but want it around. Hot, sticky, sticky. Hot, sticky, sticky. Speaking of hot, sticky, sticky, tell us about your teammates. Oh, yes. So he's hot, and he's sticky, and he's really hot, hot, hot. It's Chris. Hello. Yes, I'm Chris P. Hello, lovely to see you here. Chris P, is your Idiot Wind debut? Yes, it is. Very excited to be here. An old podcast hand, of course, creator, founder, and host of the wonderful Newsbag podcast. Yeah, that was an early shout-out, yes, Newsbag podcast. Yeah, not only are you Matt's favourite Chris, but Newsbag, he has told me, is his favourite podcast, even though he's on this one. That is factually correct, yes. What are you hoping to bring to the episode today? What can you expect from Chris Corner? Well, what I'm hoping not to bring is all the, we were talking about the sun earlier, but I have massive hate fever. Oh. So I'm hoping not to bring, if I like sneezing into the mic 20 times in the next five minutes, I'll, you know. That's fine. It would be better. We'll try and avoid that. Than a lot of the other content. That's fine. I did my best to avoid it by going out into a big field this morning and going to the summer fair in our local village. Did you? It's a terrible idea. Did some lines of pollen. Yes, it did many lines. Beautiful. Yeah. Okay, do you two have a team name? I should say, actually, that the theme for this episode is law and order. So presumably your team name is along some kind of law and order lines. Yeah. Yeah, it is, isn't it, Dani? Mm-hmm. I'll move it to you, Chris. Yep. With the Nicely Comedic Sofa People, or NCIS. As we like to call ourselves. NCIS. Yes. The Nicely... Oh, that stands for NCIS. Huh. It's a nice... Yeah. Okay, yeah. The Nicely... Nicely comedic. Comedic. And interesting. And interesting. Sofa people. Sofa people. Lovely to have you here. And I can see... I think the eye changed, but that's fine. I can see you brought your mascot? Yeah, I've got... It's mascot. It's Chalky Chalk. It's Chalk. It's Chalk. It's just Chalk. Well, we find that that is really useful to just, you know... If you're sticky. Well, usually around crime, it's really useful. Like, if you feel like the baddie went that way, an arrow. Just draw an arrow. Yeah. If you want to put somebody off their scent, put the arrow the other way. Or put chalk powder in the air. Chalk powder in the air. Chalk out like our bodies, of course. And they're looking for the body, but there's chalk powder, but there's no body. My God, where is it? And you've gone. You've gone. You're like... So it's good for criminals. Oh, yeah. Sorry, I was talking about criminals. Yeah, but you're right. It's also good from the other side, because where you think the baddie's gone, find post them. Yeah. Where you will be. Yeah. How do people distinguish which one is the baddies and which one is you? It's called training. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lovely stuff. Well, lovely to have you. Over, facing you, facing off, is the... Yeah, Chris and Becky are doing gang signs at each other. The other team, Captain Mark. Hello, Mark. Hello. I forgot I was going to call you there for a second, but I'll just call you Mark. Call me Mark, yeah. Mark Wommersley. Mm-hmm. Womble. Mm-hmm. The Big W. Mm-hmm. Mark. How are you? I'm good, apparently. How have you been? I've been better. Are you excited about your team, mate? Yes, very excited. Would you like to give them a massive hype intro? Yes, I would. Hype, Becky. That was it. That was it. All right. It's Becky. Yay. Biggest, biggest woo for Becky was from Becky. I would like to point out, because that won't come across in the audio room. Sometimes you have to be your own hype man. You do. You know, you've got to be your own cheerleader. You look like you're going to sing, sometimes I have to be my own. I'm a woman. She does have an amazing voice. Yeah, you should sing that. Becky, how have you been since we last heard you? You are a returning guest. It's lovely to have you back. It's always nice when people come back, because this is a fucking shambles and a horrible way to spend an afternoon. So thank you. I can't be so bad the second time. Nothing better to do. Literally nothing better to do. Yeah. Good. Any thoughts? Yes. Oh. She does. I can pick them up from here. Okay. Would you like to tell me Becky's thoughts? They're mainly about you. And who would like to expand? Are they all positive? Should we just say they're all positive? Oh, we should just close them all down. Okay. And what's your team name? Wow. That's a good one. We thought maybe Danny and Chris. Yeah. We are Danny and Chris. Yeah. And the connection is, it's legally binding. Oh, fucking hell, Matthew. The team's named themselves the names of the other team. Yes. Are you happy with that? Well, I've written down Danny and Chris above the names Becky and Mark. Yeah. I'm slightly concerned that this is cropped up on a crime. Yeah. Identity fraud. Do we get a say in this? No. No. We don't get a say. The contract's legal binding. Do I at least get a phone call? I get one phone call. You get one phone call, but no phone. Oh, nice. Okay. I can call a phone. So, Danny and Chris, the team as opposed to the people, what's your mascot? Oh, have you not thought about this? A cube of... We had. Oh, we have. Becky just hadn't told me yet. Shall I transfer it to telepathically? No, no, no. Shall I just use my mouth? Yeah, just make some cheese. A cube of feta cheese. Oh, a cube of feta cheese. Lovely. I can see it there on the table now. Lovely. Why? What's the significance? What was it? If you need me to tell you. Well, tell a mascot. I do, because I need you. Oh, it's a cube of feta cheese. Oh, a cube. I thought you said a wheel. If you know, you know. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. And we know. You know. I know. Danny and Chris know, the people, not the team. Danny and Chris, the people, and Danny and Chris, the team know. Yeah. But Chris doesn't, though. Oh, we're Danny and Chris. I thought they were doing Danny and Chris. They're Danny and Chris. We are doing Danny and Chris. You're Danny and Chris. Which Danny and Chris? Because I'm a sandwich of Chris at my moment. We're Chris Reid and Danny. You're me. Oh, you two. You're not those two. Sorry, Chris, Pete. Well, you're not those two. Sorry, Mr. Lawyer, you can hang on now. I want to be Chris, Pete. Okay. We can be. Chris, Danny and Chris? Yes. Should we update the team know to Chris, Danny and Chris? I'd try often. Okay. This is probably all going to get cut out, so let's just stop doing it. This is not going to transfer well to audio. Okay. Lovely to meet you both. It's time for us to get started with round one. This is Law and Order. Sort it out. Sort it out. Okay. Our question this week, teams, is what questions should you ask yourself when assessing a new lawyer according to Cooper Adams, the legal firm? Right. I would like to just say that I always... Well, I don't know about Chipper. Who's Chip? Cooper Adams. Cooper Adams. They're a legal firm. Oh, right. Right. Well, Cooper Adams, well, probably a bit like me, and takes all their legal advice from Dave Fishberg and his attorney, Bernie. And I don't know if anybody else takes all their advice, but I suspect the song My Attorney Bernie is a classic for everyone, so I won't repeat it all because you'll all know it, but there are some little, you know, I take all my big decisions from him. So, for example, when he's got Dodger season boxes, I often fill the office with foxes. And that usually gets me out of quite a lot of tricky things. I'm in touch with the attorney, Bernie, in a clutch. He can speed night to the scene. So, I'm like... It's all good advice. Do you have a Dodger box this season? Well, probably not because I've been locked up in the jail with just one phone call for my bell to my pal, Bernie. The attorney. The attorney. Lovely stuff. Thank you very much. Anybody else got any questions you used to ask? I was going to say horns, goat's legs, general, like, flames around them, that kind of thing. You want to see that on the lawyer? Yes, I want my lawyer to be the most evil person I've ever met. Because those are the good ones. You want to be the centre of some kind of a cold crime scene, basically. Yeah. That he can then miraculously come back to life from and investigate. Yeah. Are you litigating a lot at the minute? Have you got a lot going through the system? Quite a personal question. I'm buying a house, but that's more just paperwork than going to court. But you still like your representatives to be evil? Yeah. Yeah. I'm conflicted with this, because I believe a certain orange... Trump. Ex. Your ex, Donald Trump. President had a bit of a plonker. I don't know if he was evil, but he didn't seem... Rudy Giuliani? Yeah. Yeah, evil as fuck. Yeah, evil. But I'm not sure you'd want him. Would you really want him? Depends. He doesn't know the garden centre, but he doesn't know a garden centre between a... Do you want to... I want someone evil but smart. If I've killed someone, which obviously happened, you know, I want someone who's really good at their job. You want to probably not end up doing press conferences in garden centre car parks. Ideally, no one knows that it's going on, because they're that good. Mm-hm. Any other thoughts about what makes a good lawyer? I'd always suggest checking their credentials, because not just their CV where they've just written, I like law, yeah. Just the lyrics to I thought the law. Yeah. What does your ideal lawyer's resume say? Is Mark all right over there? I like law, yeah. Law, yeah. It was a joke, a powder shit. Oh, law, yeah. I was trying to get it clean because everyone was talking over you. And also, make sure it's the right... Don't say it. I'm not going... I'm not carrying on that one. And make sure it's the right sort of soliciting that they're doing, because I've been... A friend of mine's been caught out by that before. A friend. Yeah. And make sure they're not in prison. Or at least they're kind of coming out soon. I mean, I'm just going to say my attorney, Bernie, knows a good wine and can get it from the rack. And so I think when you're looking at other attributes... Having access to good wine? Yeah, it sounds like that's a good thing. Yeah. What is the song? Was it a smash hit? Because I have never fucking heard of it. It is my attorney, Bernie, song by Dave... It was a song by Dave Fishberg. Ovs. Dave Fishberg. Ovs. Ovs. He's the hot new thing of 1952. I'm called Dave Fishberg. Any more for any more? We're talking about resumes. I would like to see if they could explain what a barrister is. The difference between a lawyer and a barrister, right? Because... One serves coffee. Yes, that is true. Yeah. One enjoys law, yeah. One of them only works in courts. The carpet shop? No, tennis courts. Let's go to Matthew and see... Hang on, did you not have something to say? Yeah, but it's shit, so let's just move on. I'll say it anyway. I was... Because this hasn't been... I was going to say, does he work in the back office of a Korean beauty parlour? Better course at all. Yeah. Yeah, nice. Yeah, I'll cut that out. Yeah, it wasn't worth it, was it? Okay, the moment's gone. Let's go over to Matthew. This was a remarkable performance. There are seven things on this list, and I don't think I have ever seen such an amazing performance at avoiding every single one of them. We have... Do they make a good first impression? Do they charge for failed cases? What is the average time it takes them to process work of the type you need? Do they use secure communication? What is their caseload? Do they use paper or electronic record keeping? And can you meet virtually, or do they insist on face-to-face meetings? Yeah. None of them are really close enough for a point, but because we don't want to go away completely empty-handed, Becky gets a point for saying evil lawyer, and it made me chuckle. There we go, Becky gets a point. That is an impression as well. That is an impression you get of someone that they're evil. You're almost talking yourself into another point. Not only almost. All right, thank you, Matthew. All right, let's move on to round two. Yes, round two is what the fuck. Okay, we need buzzers for this, and I have forgotten to bring the buzzers, so we're each going to have a buzzer made by the sounds that come out of us. Mark, can you give us a sound coming out of you, please? Lovely. Okay, and Becky? Danny? Oh, gosh. And Chris? Okay, all right. Let's go with question one. Why was Alexander Edwards in court for enjoying looking at the Welsh mountains? Becky? He was enjoying it a bit too much. You know what I mean? No, not that. Anything else? He was supposed to be in Ben Nevis. In. Inside. Yes. Okay, well, it's just a whole joint effort. Ben Nevis is a friend of Pete Froeberg's, whatever his name was. Fuck off. I'm going to do it again. No, I'm going to keep the first one. Blah. Yeah, Chris. He was literally in court, and they just had a painting of the mountains on the wall, and he was just looking at them. Anyone else? What was the question again? Why was Alexander Edwards in court for enjoying looking at the Welsh mountains? Blah. Chris? It was a tennis court. He was playing tennis. No. Becky? For having two first names. Alexander Edwards. Yeah. Like Ben Nevis. Is Nevis the name? Yeah, I've got, I, I, I, my brother's called Nevis. Mark? I didn't say it to him. No, you didn't. Okay. He was in court because, to enjoy looking at the Welsh mountains, he cut a hole in his next door neighbour's hedge, so that he could see them better from his bedroom window. He also goaded his dog into barking, and sang rap lyrics, such as, I'm going to fucking kill you at 1am. I've written down here, bonus, minus one point to Mark, when he says that he looked at them naked, but he didn't, but Becky almost said that, so I think you're alright. So the actual, the actual answer was he cut a hole in his neighbour's head, so that he could see the mountains from his bedroom. He could have been enjoying himself with the hole as well, that's all I'm saying. And that was the court case, so not the swearing and the dog barking. That was all rolled into one. Oh, okay. It was all part of a, all part of one case. Okay. Good, glad we sorted that out. Question two. A California appeals court has ruled that four species of bees are what? Real sexy. Oh, I've got to buzz it. Okay, Becky's just, Becky's just instigated a new buzzer. Yes, Becky? Real sexy. No, not that. I've never met a sexy bee. Have you not? Not yet. You've never met a California? Danny? Are forming a political party. No. Bleh. Chris? Wasps in disguise. No. Danny? Are not actually bees. Half a point. Mark? They're the same species. As? Each other. No. Bleh. Chris? They're all just the same bee, but it moves really fast. It looks like they're the same bee. They're just one guy in different bee costumes. No. Mark? No, that was just my buzzer. Nice. Are you coming out in hives? The California Appeals Court has ruled that four species... I can't say the word species. Species of bees are in fact fish. What? Yeah. What's this? It all started in 2019. It all started in a 2019 lawsuit between large agricultural groups in the state, such as the almond and citrus growers, and against the California Fish and Game Commission. The lawsuit specifically set out to determine whether the commission exceeded its authority when it designated four bumblebee species as endangered species. The crotch bumblebee, the franklin bumblebee, the suckly cuckoo bumblebee, and the western bumblebee, calling them invertebrates, therefore falling under the CESA's definition of a fish. So four species of bees are fish. Just because they're invertebrates. Yeah, but they're not, though, are they? But hang on, who's trying to do what with what? I don't care. I don't know if I haven't worked out if I'm for the fish definition or against the fish definition. I just read all that out. I don't know any of it at this point, because it's just words. Let's move on with our lives. What was a killer legal blow to Peter Crawford's fuck? What was a... Probably his mum coming in. He really fell off. Question three. What was a killer blow fuck? Question three. What was... This is why the recordings take so long. I've just realised. Question three. What was a killer legal blow to Peter Crawford's defence while representing himself against a bag snatching charge in New York State? Danny. He doesn't wear a bag. No, he was being charged with... Snatching a bag. Snatching a bag. But he doesn't wear a bag. Okay, good. No. Chris. It turns out he actually did it, and he realised halfway through that he was guilty. Becky. Becky. He snatched someone's bag during the trial. Half a point to Becky. You're good at this. Danny's buzzer was involved in. I like it. Basically, when they were describing what was in the bag, he said, no, mate, that wasn't in the bag. It can't be... It can't be right. If Becky hadn't had the half a point, you'd get that half a point. I think you can have a quarter of a point. I don't do quarters. Matty doesn't do quarters. Eights? No, Danny can just have a half. Well, I'm buying my drugs elsewhere. Marco. He produced the bag in court to take his documents out of. No, it was a fact. He told the prosecution's key witness that there's no way you even saw my face when I snatched your bag. I mean, why do comedians even try to make stuff up? This is why everyone needs a Bernie in their life. Yeah, you should have got my attorney, Bernie. Question four. Have you ever heard that song once? Yes. You have? You listen to it? Yeah. Okay. No, yes. No, I told you. It's my actual go-to for all legal needs. Legal advice. Yes. I favour the Venger boys up and down for mine. Mm-hmm. Question four. What unusual sentence did an Ohio woman receive for throwing hot food in the face of a Chipotle worker? Ah! Becky. I was just trying to think of a sentence to say. I was going to say the first line of a book or something. Do it again if you want. Can you just ask the question again? Like, just, I don't know what you're asking. Ah! Becky. It is a truth universally acknowledged. Never mind. What unusual sentence did an Ohio woman receive for throwing hot food in the face of a Chipotle worker? Mm-hmm. Mark. What unusual sentence? Yeah, very good. Ah! Becky. Hard labour like in Les Mis. No. Look. Oh! Well, maybe half a point. Oh, yeah. The queen of half a point. Blah. How does it feel to be a 50% queen? A queen. A queen. A queen. A queen. Oh, Christmas first. Sorry. I did go blah. You did go blah. It was more of a question. What is a Chipotle? Chipotle? It's a chain of, like, hot Mexican-based food. I like hot food. Oh, Chipotle's good. She was sentenced to two months working at a Chipotle restaurant. Question five. A Boston man called 911 with an unusual request on 2nd of May 2024. What was it? Sorry, did you say he was called 911? He called 911 with an unusual request. He was called 911. He was called 911. Yeah, what number did he dial? A Boston man called 911. A Boston man called 911. No, I can't stop hearing it that way now. A Boston man phoned. Dialed. Dialed the police with an unusual request on 2nd of May 2024. What was it? Becky. Was it, just tell me that you love me? No. Danny. Was he asking to have a carpet stretcher? Could he borrow one? Yeah, because he's putting the carpet down, you know, one of those stretcher things. Yeah, I don't know. No, it wasn't that? Mark? Can you tell me what I'm doing in Lincolnshire? Oh, that's good. Mark made a very clever joke. That was a very clever joke. Minus one point. Somebody snatched his bag, but he didn't quite see the man's face. No. It wasn't a fact. He called 911 because he wanted someone to sing happy birthday to him. I was going to say that. Were you? But I went with the lonely thing instead. Becky was going to say that. Were you genuinely going to say that? Yeah. Have a point. Oh, yeah. By the way, Chris, there's this thing. The answer gets told, and then you say you genuinely were going to say that, and then Matthew gives points. It's happened last week, and it's happened this week. Only if it's true, though. You do not have to lie. Oh, right. And only on my team. Yeah, apparently on my team. I don't make the rules. I just follow them. What happened after that call? They said, fuck off. Danny? They turned up on a fire engine and all sang happy birthday. Let's have a listen. What's your name? Chris. Chris? I'm Frank. Good to meet you. Israel. How old are you today? It's your birthday? 25. Is it your birthday? Yes, sir. You're not just making that up. Let me see. Let me see. We tried to light you candles, man, but the wind blew them out for you. But are you allergic to nuts? Hell, no. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Chris. Happy birthday to you. There you go, brother. You want to blow them out? Make a wish. There you go. You got it, boys. Hey, we wish you the best birthday, okay? All right. You going to be all right? You going to be all right? You good? Yeah, great. You need anything else? Nothing. All right. This is a boy I can ask for. All right? Aw, how sweet. I have a question. Is it just me or at any point are we all expecting them to go on the floor, motherfucker? Let's go up to Matthew and see what the scores are. Danny and Chris have three. That is Danny and Chris is in Cuba, feta cheese. And the nicely comedic and interesting sofa people, which is Danny and Chris, have one and a half. All right. It's on to the wheel of things. How is that bloody possible? It's the wheel of things. Okay. With that slight descent from Danny, we move into the wheel of things. Each team is... Oh, no. Matthew, could you spin the wheel, please? It sounded like I knew what was going to come on the wheel, because I started giving the explanation. Of course, I don't. Could you spin the wheel, please? Objection overrated. Oh, lovely stuff. Okay. Each team is going to get 90 seconds. One player is going to be cross-examined by their teammate. The player being cross-examined will only be able to respond with sounds. No words. The cross-examiner will have to... Bless you. The cross-examiner will have to guess the crime. Once guessed, they swap roles and they go again. Danny, you're going to start off in the dock. And Chris, you're going to start off cross-examining. All right. Your 90 seconds start now. All right. Hi, Danny. Can you please tell us, in as many noises as possible, what you were doing on the night of this crime? Okay. You were... Excellent. Just to clarify, obviously, I know what that is, but just to clarify for the jury that you are at a theme park? You're out on a walk. Okay, are there animals involved here? Well, I'm pretty clear about all the details now. Thank you. Dig... There's some... I'm getting some digging... Yes. Yes. Yes, okay. I think we had the noise of maybe a seagull. Oh, okay. You're at the beach. It happened at the beach. Beach crime involving digging. Beach crime is some kind of sand burial. Some kind of sea... What's that? Bucket. Bucket and spade. And so the crime is... Yes, murdered with... The head was placed in a bucket. Is this still Danny's buzzer? So we're going to give you half a point for that. It was, in fact, the crime was theft of a bucket and spade. Stole a bucket and spade. Stole a bucket and spade. All right, Danny's got... No, no, it switches across now, of course. Pretty good. Chris, could you start by explaining exactly where you were when this crime happened. You were at the horse races. Mm-mm. Out on a hack with a horse. Tap dancing. You were tap dancing on stage. Mm-mm. And something happened. You were in a theatre. Mm-mm. Oh, and you were dancing. Mm-mm. But someone was. Oh, you were doing some gymnasts. Mm-mm. You were in the bathroom. Mm-mm. You were... Oh, you were in a... You were... In the toilet. Yeah. Mm-mm. No. You were... Oh, God! You were tap dancing whilst giving birth. Oh, so close. Toilet-based activity with a specific person. One more guess. Toilet-based activity. You were doing a poo... On... On the stage. On... The toilet. On... The tap dancing horse. Oh, close enough. Close enough. It was, in fact, the crime was pooping on Michael Flatley. That's so... We're going to have to Danny now. Danny's now back in the dock. Let's have your first question, Chris. Can you describe the venue of the crime? Mm-hmm. Mm-mm. Oh, okay. Mm-mm. A brothel. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Okay. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Shh. Mm-mm. Shh. Mm-mm. I think you've got everything you need there, Chris. I don't think so, yeah. Do it. Uh, somewhere where you were looking at something that you like. You're looking... There's attractive people around. Mm-mm. Okay. She was releasing some clasps and things were coming off. Oh, you were... Uh, you were... Okay, you were undressing. Yes. You were undressing. You were in a changing room. Who might... You were in a dressing room. What kind of profession might... I think we're in the music as well, don't we? okay we're going to push you for a guest here chris the crime was the crime was taking off your clothes at the horse races close enough it was impersonating a stripper and finally oh yeah chris so um what were you doing at the moment of the crime out of people um you were talking underwater just talking just talking so give me an explanation maybe of what feel free to use like of the environment that you were in you were at um at the priests you were in rome you were at the vatican um you were in a church at a i'm going to have to push you for a guest danny uh you were talking at um you were talking half a points mark you were talking at the non-vatican place that where people were being crowned oh you were talking with the king oh the king's what's his name what did he say to the king he said you are you are you you frankly mate this is not really for you but i will i will stop you there um the crime was saying balls to the king all right and your time is up okay becky you're gonna be cross-examining the witness first and off we go cross-examine away uh yeah so uh what happened you were swimming you were a fish you were eating fish or possibly a bee you were looking at the fish you were at the aquarium try and do some audio if you can mark yeah yes i forgot about that sorry i'm a talking fish okay you were humming a jolly tune while looking at the fish um making mocking a fish to its face he hid a fish uh okay now becky we move on to yours uh mark you're cross-examining let's have your question okay oh god um where were you when this happened clink clink clink you were in america and you were doing something with your palm you were counting money you weren't gambling with that money you were counting it and you were stealing it you were stealing money that had been exchanged oh so close we're going to give you half a point for that because my favourite bit was when Becky did the German National Anthem and you went oh France Becky was in fact her crime was setting up a fake bureau de change thank fuck brings us to the end of that round let's go over to Matthew and see what he made of that Matthew did you make anything of it anything yes can I just say that listening to that entire round with headphones on is an experience that will stay with me until I am thankfully retired from this job what's the opposite of ASMR was it that yes yes it was it was horrifically unpleasant but there were some there were some points there's now only one point in it with Danny and Chris on four and Danny and Chris on three oh my god yes how exciting it's time to move on to the next round yes or or or or or or or or or like A but A-U yeah so it's going to be in your ears and the question is one simple question is how many times does the mega criminal Rupert Murdoch sorry I mean Logan Roy say fuck off across all three seasons of Succession Alright, have a listen and tell me afterwards. There we go, an absolute triumph from Brian Cox, not that one, and basically, a simple exercise in counting. Let's see what people have done. Sounds remarkably like the voicemails you keep leaving. That wasn't in increasing order of severity. There was a pretty dramatic one at the very end. There was. It was in order through the series. Was it? And the last one was a big one. Was it all Logan Roy or were there some other characters? That was all Logan Roy. Oh, so I could have just counted them. Yeah. Could have. Yeah. Are you sure he wasn't saying other things that you then cut down? So you wouldn't say, oh, I'm dying for coffee. I don't know. And then you kind of made it worse. I don't know for sure. I didn't make that. Okay. I lost count at 30 something. Who has a number in their head? Becky didn't count. I've got a feeling. Let's have a guess from you. 37. Okay. Danny? A fuckload. A fuckload. Mark? 46. Okay. That is weird. I was going to say 46. 46. It was, in fact, 57. So, yeah. That's a buckload. Unless I counted that wrong. Because I counted it. You're quite good at counting. I assumed you'd get it bang on. Can we give Mark a point just in case he's right? Yeah. Well, I mean, we said the same answer. Yeah, we both counted it. I know, but I don't trust that you'd be right. Chris copied me. But I did that thing that you said where I should say, oh, that's what I was going to say. Yeah, yeah. But it's true. It's a good idea. Sorry, I forgot to tell you there's a real bias. Oh, yeah, of course there is. It's so sorry, yeah. All the rules come out now. Well, just be more appealing. It's good advice. Fuck off. All to play for as we go into our final round. Rich's questions. Okay, let's just recap the buzzers. Mark. Becky. Danny. And Chris. Lovely stuff. All right, question one. The Cheese Museum in Amsterdam are offering the world's largest commercially available fondue set as a reward for the safe return of what? Chris. All the bricks that are missing from there. I don't know. Mark. It. It. No. By which you mean the world's largest commercially available fondue set? Yeah. No. Blue. The big metal pot that you actually put the fondue in and make it. No. Becky. Amelia Earhart. Becky. Lord Lucan. No. Which one you think is funny. You sound like an AI of yourself. It's incredible. It's an incredible skill. Danny. Sorry. What is it? Can you just ask the question again? Sorry. The Cheese Museum in Amsterdam are offering the world's largest commercially available fondue set as a reward for the safe return of what? Oh. Danny. Cheese. It's a good start. Triangles. No. It's in fact a diamond encrusted cheese slicer that was stolen. Question two. Is anyone above the law? Blip. Chris. Well, if you're in a hot air balloon or something. Good point. Have a point. Depends how high up you can see. Becky. Yeah. Yeah. Have a point. Yeah. Danny. Yeah. We've already had that answer. Would you like to give a different answer? You'll probably still get a point. No. Minus a point. Danny. Sometimes. Okay. Yeah. We've got a positive answer from Matthew there. Okay. Question three. Why was a man's attempt to hijack an American Airlines plane and reroute it to Detroit unsuccessful in 1976? Becky. Detroit doesn't exist. It's possible. Have a point. Danny. Because Detroit doesn't have an airport. No. No. That mark. He didn't have enough fuel to get that far. No. Bleh. Chris. Flight was sold out so he couldn't even get on it. No. It's because the flight was already going to Detroit. Success. Question four. Who is this? You again. Who's that? Matthew's impression of course. Danny. The stewardess to the man who wants to take the plane, the place it's actually already going. Ah. No. Mark. Matt's next door neighbor when he was a kid, when he'd kicked his train set over the fence. That's coincidentally correct, but that's not who I meant to go for, but no. Danny. Mark, when we all arrived for this podcast 12 and a half hours ago. How much do you want the point, Danny? Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off, fuck off, fuck off, fuck off. How much do you want the point? Do you want the point? This feels like, shall I start stripping again? Wow. I'm not sure what's happening. Correct, it was Mark. Okay, it was. Have a three point. Question five. What aspect of his disguise thwarted a Parisian burglar who broke into an antiques dealer's house in the dead of night? Becky. Like a really stereotypical French guy outfit. No. Mark. He was dressed as a contemporary of ours. He was in something that looked like the person's partner's... Looked like the person he was stealing from, or their partner who was in bed with them. No. Becky. He'd just come from work and he still got his name tag on. No. Chris, he stole a massive painting and tried to sneak it off in his trousers. No, he was in fact, his disguise was a suit of armour and it woke the household with all the clanking. Question six. What does section 32 of the Salmon Act of 1986 state? Becky. Never fall in love with your salmon. Doesn't. Blech. Chris. I'm not a bee. No. It states it's illegal to handle a salmon in a suspicious way. Oh. Question seven. What is unusual about San Pedro Prison in Bolivia? What's unusual about it? Yes. Danny. There are no prisoner guards. Yeah, it's correct. For a point. There's no prison guards and also inmates have to pay rent for their cells. Is it just a spa? Is it just a town? I mean... There's a name for that, yeah. It's a hotel. A complex. Question eight. What did David Zerfler of Settler, Alberta, do to try and pass a breathalyser test? Becky. Breathe in. No. Inhale. Danny. He trumped into it. Half a point? No. I'm not going to give you half a point there. Mark? He had to pronounce his own name correctly. No. No. That's impossible. He, in fact, ate his own underpants. It didn't work. Question nine. Okay. We'll move on. Why? Why? Why? I don't know. He's panicked. We've all been there. He had to take his trousers off, then he got to his pants, and then he thought, sod it. I'm going to put them in my mouth. American pants or British pants? Underpants. American underpants. British pants. They went above the law. Sorry, was this in the US or the UK? It's in Canada. Oh, so it was his overpants. No, it was his underpants. That's what I'm saying. He was panicking for like... Wifons. How long did it take the policemen to walk around? I'm just going to let this happen. And then he had him on another charge of exposure. Driving around the pants. Driving around the pants. No exposure, that's not a crime. And indecent eating things. Yeah. Question nine. In 2020, how did police catch a 30-year-old in Nottinghamshire who was... In Nottinghamshire. In 2020, how did... Question nine. Question nine. In 2020, how did police catch a 30-year-old in Nottinghamshire who was evading arrest? Mark. Are they saying him happy birthday? No. Anyone else? Becky. He was dressed as Robin Hood. No. Danny. They hid in arms of suits. Suit of armors. No. Arms of suits. Arms of suits. They organised a surprise party for him and sent him an invite. No. He, like, bragged about it on Facebook or something. No. They heard him fart in a hedge. He was hiding in a hedge and he farted. They got in. And question ten. The last question of the whole goddamn universe. If you could do a crime and get away with it, what would you do? Matthew will be... Just roll credits on that. ...adjudicating points. Mark? Heal the world. Heal the world or kill the world? Heal. Heal the world. Yeah. Is that a crime? Danny? I would continue to take the bricks from Mark's house. Chris, I think you have to come up with a crime. Just, yeah, make the... Put the toys in a big hole, yeah? Yeah. Am I right? Is that a crime, though? Is that a crime? Did you say toys or tourists? No, tourists. We've made it to the end of another exciting episode. It's time to go over to Matthew to hear the final scores. Well, that one actually was quite exciting because there's only half a point between Danny and Chris and Danny and Chris. Oh, my God. But which Danny and Chris have won? Is it the real one or the team won? I don't even know anymore. They've been swapping places and it's... One of the Dannys has now got loads of Mark's house bricks. It's a nightmare. Right, so, cube of feta cheese are on nine points. But the winners are Nicely Comedic and Interesting Soap for People on nine and a half. Well done, NCIS. What are you going to spend your winnings on? It's a crime. Big fondue set. The world's largest commercially available. With nine and a half points. No, there we go. And how are you two going to drown your stories? Free was robbed. Going to drown myself. Going to drown myself. That's a crime. Let's just go around and see if anybody's got anything they want to share with them. Mark, do you have anything you want to share with the listeners? Any social media you want to point people towards? Any projects? Anything, anything? Only my secrecy project. Okay. And how do people find that? That's the whole point. Danny, do you have anything to share with the wider world? Well, I say wider world. About 70 people. You can find now what I'm doing on stripper.com. No. On dogfazingprop.com. On slowtheatre.co.uk Slowtheatre.co.uk On dogfazingprop.com Chris P. I think you and Matt have already done a good show already. Newsbag. Go and listen to the Newsbag. It is a very, very good podcast. And I have been on it a couple of times, actually. Oh, I haven't. No, that's because I'm better than you. All we have now is to go over to Matthew. And where can people find you doing your modelling shit? My modelling shit is on YouTube. There's also an Instagram now. Not since last week's episode. Since before then, I just forgot to mention it. But it's all under the name CPT underscore VFC. It's mostly me dropping small bits of plastic on the floor and swearing a lot. It's very fucking entertaining. In one video, he reviews a mug. What is the model of? Oh, usually planes. Occasionally a tank. There's going to be a bus at some point. Hear that, people? High-octane modelling action. There might be a bus at some point. Thank you for listening. And we'll see you next time. Did we play with Idiot Wind? The theme music is Yes I Do by the Melvins. This has been a Podface production. The theme music is Yes I Do by the Melvins. The theme music is Yes I Do by the Melvins. The theme music is Yes I Do by the Melvins. The theme music is Yes I Do by the Melvins. The theme music is Yes I Do by the Melvins. The theme music is Yes I Do by the Melvins. The theme music is Yes I Do by the Melvins. The theme music is Yes I Do by the Melvins. The theme music is Yes I Do by the Melvins. The theme music is Yes I Do by the Melvins. The theme music is Yes I Do by the Melvins. The theme music is Yes I Do by the Melvins. The theme music is Yes I Do by the Melvins. The theme music is Yes I Do by the Melvins. The theme music is Yes I Do by the Melvins. The theme music is Yes I Do by the Melvins. The theme music is Yes I Do by the Melvins. The theme music is Yes I Do by the Melvins. The theme music is Yes I Do by the Melvins. The theme music is Yes I Do by the Melvins.