HOT FACE It's in your win! Woo! Yes! Welcome to Idiot Wind. That sound you can hear is six quite tired people recording on a weeknight for a change. I'm delighted to be joined by five idiots to help us celebrate the world of idiocy on another episode of Idiot Wind. This week is all about antiques and collectibles. And to my right, I am delighted to welcome back for, I don't know how many time it is that you're here, but you're a guest team captain, so you've been promoted. How does that feel? So powerful. Yeah. What's your relationship like with power? Do you think it will corrupt you? I hope so. You've got... What's her name? Did I not say her name? He was building suspense, Danny. I don't know if he was. Well, regular listeners will know exactly who it is. It is, of course, Susanna T. Jones. The one and only. The one and only. I will now look for another one. Just to prove you wrong. I don't know. Needlessly confrontational. You are joined by an underling. Oh, yeah. Him. That's right. Coming back for his second appearance. It's Chris P. Hello. Thank you. How do you feel about... Oh, you're welcome. Yeah. No. Yeah. I was just saying thanks for having me back, but you talked over that, so I guess... Yeah, I said something to you that didn't give you any space to talk whatsoever. That's fine. Am I driving space now? Okay. Yeah, I'm good. Thanks. Yeah, yeah. Good to be back. I'm feeling pretty confident about today because my brother-in-law actually has an antique shop. Oh. So, yeah, I know. I know. So, I basically... So, obviously, we're going to win this one, Susanna. Do you respect Susanna's authority, or as it's her first day on the job, are you going to push back like she's a supply teacher? No, I fully respect Susanna's authority. As a seasoned guest who's been on... She is well-seasoned. I'm salty. And facing you is, of course, the delightful Danny O'Hara. Hello. How are you, Danny? I'm really good. And actually, Chris Pease just reminded me that I grew up in what one might call an antique shop, although it was often called the junk shop. But, yeah, my parents had a spare room in the house, so they made that into a junk shop. How long have I known you for? I keep learning new stuff about you. Honestly, Chris, I'd forgotten all about it, but... Well, there we go. It's lovely to have that. Once, I sometimes learn things that aren't true, because Danny loves a wind-up joke. We were around my parents, and she very convincingly, for an hour, told me that she'd been married three times instead of me being her second husband, which, of course, doesn't matter at all. It's just strange to find that out. The trouble with Danny O'Hara is she's a very good actress and regularly just absolutely bullshits me. And every time she does it, a bit more of me despises her. No, that's not it. That's too nasty. I don't despise her. I tolerate her. Who's on your side, Danny? Yay! Ed! Hello! Who's on my side? We're delighted to have Ed Bond. Ed, how are you? I'm good. Very excited to be here. Thank you so much for joining us on your Idiot Wind debut. Danny, like I said before, was very keen to get you on her side. No offence, Chris P. Honestly, hang on a minute. You've got beef with me tonight. Let's get it out there. Oh, mate, I've got no beef. Well, you've just said you despise me just a tiny bit and you've dropped me right in with Chris P, which by the way, I love Chris P. I did not specify that I despise you a tiny bit. I said that I despise you more and more as time progresses. It's exponential. Which is actually interesting because I despise you less as time goes on. We'll meet in the middle one day. Okay, there's only one thing that's going to bring the mood back to at least neutral. Let's go over to the captain of neutrality, by which I mean he's not impartial. He takes bribes. I mean, he's just almost 100% bland. It's Matthew. Hello. How have you been? Tell us about what you've been up to since the last episode. Well, I've been alphabetising my Alphabetti spaghetti. So I take 26 cans of Alphabetti spaghetti, empty them and then refill them correctly. How do you seal them back up? Yeah, I've got this incredible high-sealant tape. It's called sellotape. I really want to see this on a YouTube channel. This, I'd watch. I want to know, how do you tell the difference between the N and the Zs? Because, do you know what I mean? Because as soon as you enter them out of the tin, there could be anyone. That can only ever be a question from somebody who doesn't study Alphabetti spaghetti. Difference between, honestly, Chris. I'm sorry, I've shown my, I should have kept my mouth shut, shouldn't I? Yes, I'm going to minus a point. I think that's entirely fair enough. Okay, right. Well, let's get some team names. Danny and Ed, what's your team called? Well, we are super excited about this one. And Ed does have a whopper of a name. Yeah. Well, we've just come back from shooting an episode of Bargain Hunt, actually. What a coincidence. Yeah. So, we're the red team. So, the red team. And the red team will be facing, what's your team name, guys? Well, yeah, go on. Oh, you're gearing up. I'm Susanna T. Jones. And this is Susanna Team Jones. Because I'm the captain. Oh, my God. The power's gone immediately to her head. So, the red team versus Susanna Team Jones. Sort it out. Okay, teams. Your round one question is, based on guidance from leading auction houses, including Sotheby's Christie's and other professional auctioneers, can you name the top ten pieces of advice that auction exports give to first-time bidders? Well, from personal experience, I sort of see auctions as the same as speed dating. And what you have to do is you have to take notes and you have to check numbers and then you have to get someone else to check them. Otherwise, you're going to go home with the wrong thing. Just saying, it's happened to me at speed dating, not once, but twice. To save confusion, you've got to choose a really good outfit. Because if it's like, oh, the man with the Under Armour T-shirt, that could be anyone. The man in the Big Bird costume knows exactly what you're talking about. Only bid one-third of your income on the first go. You've got to hold some back. One-third of your annual income on your first bid. Yeah. You know, you don't want to go too wild with it if it's your first auction. No, okay. Don't bid your entire... Should you remortgage your house, do you think, before you go so you've got some spare money to spend? I think so. Yeah. Yeah. Strong advice. What I want to know is whether that was from personal experience as well. I'd never... You never divulge. I think you also... She's not one to bid and tell. Bid and tell. Doesn't work at all. That's good. I think you have to be careful, and this is another personal experience, not to wave at someone across the room. I know it sounds cliche, but my dad did. He came home with his own boat that he was selling. I'm just saying. Didn't go down well, but I enjoyed the second boat trip. Yes, this is the true story. He went to an auction to sell his boat and bought his own boat. Yeah. I don't understand how that happened. I've got to explain it to me about five times. I still don't get it. If you're prone to a nitchy forehead, get all your itches out before the bidding starts. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It can be because you don't want to be distracted by flaky skin while numbers are being said, or that you might bid. But I guess both, really. I mean, you don't want flaky skin all over your... I don't know. You have some kind of piece of paper, like a brochure of all the things up for auction. Yeah. I've never been. No, no. Absolutely. And you look like you've got lovely moist skin. Sorry, that's weird. Thank you. Make sure you drink lots of water, you know. Why is that? Just good for you, isn't it? Stay hydrated. Get lots of sleep. Yeah. And then finally, I'd say... Take your vitamins. Yeah. And you've always got to make sure that you get your bid in just as a hammer's... Just as he's got it. Go in, go in, and then get it in there. Make everyone wait the longest time and you get maximum... Do you know what I mean? It's like bursting into the church just as they're about to say I do and objecting to it. And go, no! How many times have you done that? They're sisters. I just like to burst into the Roman cathedral now and again just in case there's anyone getting married in there. No! He's mine! Just any Roman cathedral, specific Roman cathedrals that you'd like to burst into. I just meant the Roman catholic one, you know, by the bridge into town. Oh yeah, of course, but we're an international podcast. Yeah. We had one listen in Guam. Guam! So they might not know the layout of Norwich, UK. No. But they might have a cathedral that's Catholic, so if you were there, you'd do that then? Was it in Guam? Yeah, if I went to Guam and they had a cathedral, you bet I'd be busting those doors wide open. I think it's mostly an American military base. Well, they might have one then. They might have one. Sounds like somebody was just listening with a VPN. Yeah. Yeah, it might be true. That might be true. You might be able to hear the dog outside. The dog has got to stay outside and she doesn't like it, but she has to stay outside because she's a dick and if she came in, she would be problematic. So now she's outside and problematic and we'll almost certainly still be slightly ruining this podcast as if we can't all do that ourselves. Any other thoughts on this before we move on? I wonder about your emotions. I think you should check them at the door. Okay. Just because, you know, I've been at auctions where people have shuffled around so they're sort of standing in front of something they want and I just think you could, it's a bit like when you see, you know, parents at the football ground and they're shouting and effing and blinding. I sort of feel like there's an intensity in people through their eyes. Move. I've got that one. What emotion do you think you should take to the auction? A cold, calculating... Yeah. You have money brainer. I'm not here for anything in particular. What's a nice cold emotion? Kind of... I want it, but I don't need it. Superiority? Do you know what I mean? Entitlement? All of that, yeah. Yeah. A bit of how I feel being on Susanna's team. It'll be written all over your face. A bit of how you feel being on Susanna's team. Quite a humble reverence. Wow. And fear. Always turn that around. You've got to watch him. Yeah. He'll get his little digs in, but he'll make it sound like a compliment. He's a very clever bastard. You know, it's all about numbers. Yeah. Well, that's why I trust you at an auction. Yeah. Okay, it's time to go over to Matthew and see if anybody scored any points. Well, yes, there have been some generous allocations of points. Firstly, I'm going to go over the 10 points. So, not 10 points, as in people got 10 points. That would be ridiculous with those answers. No. Lift your bank transfer limits beforehand. You know, you've got to make sure you've got to make a payment. I nearly said that. So, yeah, there's a loose point to STJ for that one. A loose point. A loose point. It was close enough. And I couldn't have nil points to both teams again. Are tight points worth more than loose points? No. All points are worthless. Don't try subtle bidding techniques. So, I've given a point to Danny for this one because it's kind of the opposite. But, you know, you've got to make sure you don't accidentally bid. Keep your paddle with you at all times. I assume it means the paddle with the number on and not from the boat. Or the S&M weekend. Yeah, all that, yeah. But I did also give a bonus point to Chris P for just giving the good advice of staying hydrated. That's always good advice. Which means we have one point to the red team and two to Susanna Team Jones. Woo! I'm sure that that was a lot of value there. My ADHD kicked in halfway through that and my brain went searching for dopamine. But I'm sure it's all fine. It's time for round two! What the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the... What the... What the... What the... Yes, round two is what the, what the fuck teams! We are... This is on the old buzzers. And so we're going to come around and get a buzzer noise from each of you. Danny, what's your buzzer noise this week? Peep-eep-eep-eep-eep. Chris-Pee. Boop. Ed. Ah! SDJ. Ding-a-ding. Aw, that's lovely. It might not have registered and I might have trouble hearing it so have a nice rest this round probably. Okay, here we go, James. And question one. In 2016, UK Antiques Roadshow glass expert Andy McConnell examined a mysterious 1840s bottle and decided to taste its contents on camera, declaring it to be port or red wine. What, in fact, was it? Boop. Chris. It was blood to feed all the leeches that they had back then. No. Peep-eep-eep-eep-eep. Danny. It was someone's wee bottle. Yes, a point to Danny. Oh! It was, in fact, 180-year-old human urine mixed with rusty nails. Wow. Did he have to go and have a shot of some sort? No, he was okay. A few months later, they worked out what it was and he is quoted as saying, it was too good an opportunity to miss. I couldn't have not drunk it. Oh, he's so good, though, couldn't he? Do we know whose pee it was? No. With our DNA test. It was a witch's spirit. It was a genuine thing. We and rusty nails keep witches away. I don't need to tell you that. I'm sure. I can't go near any of these wee and rusty nails houses. He does need to, like, check for tetanus and stuff now. Yeah. Because of the rusty nail thing. Yeah, that's a very good point. Do you know what I mean? I just hope he's thought about that as well. Well, I don't think he was just giddy with it all. Okay, question two. Excellent point, Danny. Question two. How did Nick Flynn's apparel cause problems at the Fitzwilliam Museum in Cambridge? Pippity poo. Danny. Could you repeat that question? How did Nick Flynn's apparel apparel? We good with apparel? Nick Flynn, yeah. How did his apparel cause problems at the Fitzwilliam Museum in Cambridge? Ed. He was just wearing an Under Armour t-shirt. So was everyone else. Under Armour? Yeah. What, it's Under Armour? It's just like a brand. Oh, what? No, it's just like a brand of t-shirt. Is it what you kids are wearing? Oh, I don't know. Well, I wear it occasionally. Do they make cardigans? They get my cardigans. I'm sure they make cardigans as well. Under Armour? Yeah. Nice. Is it just because it's under your armour? Oh, is it because it's under your armour? I never thought about it like that. Under Armour. I guess it's under your armour. It's also over your armour though, isn't it? Is it under your armour? You wear it under your armour. Do you have to wear armour on top of it? Armour, as in chain mail. Is it for Joan Armour trading? Is it? I mean, again, that's a money from a long time ago. Are we all getting a split of the Under Armour advertising campaign? Yeah. No, that's gone to Bananarama. Yay. Okay. Bananaronderama. What a drama. Peep-peep-peep. Could you repeat the question, please? IDIV drama sponsored by Bananarama and Under Armour. Peep-peep-peep-peep. And Obama. You have to leave all that in now just to make that joke at the end. Or, take it all out. Peep-peep-peep. Danny. Can you please repeat the question? How did Nick Flynn's apparel cause problems at the Fitzwilliam Museum in Cambridge? Boop. Crispy? It was not suitable for the weather and he was slightly cold for the day. No. What a news story that would have made. Did he just have a white shirt on that he just jumped into a pond and swam around sexy-like and then got out and had a walk? Are we talking about that Fitzwilliam? No. Oh, damn it. Shame. Ding-a-ling. Susanna. Was he wearing a top with a huge number of sticks coming out porcupine-style and it knocked his ribbits off the shelf? Half a point. Chris? It doesn't fit him but it fits William. Yay! It wasn't a fact. He tripped over the shoelaces and knocked over a Qing Dynasty vase which hit another Qing Dynasty vase which then knocked over a third Qing Dynasty vase. They all smashed. Bonus question. What was the cost of all three vases? What together or each? All of them. Once they crashed and were worth it all. Well, they were quite expensive but there was a two for one offer. Not three for two. Yeah, I meant three for two. Cheapest one. Damn it. Cheapest one's free. I want to do that joke again. Okay, go on. Do it again. No, because it's not funny. No, no. We've actually had prep. We'll know when to laugh. Oh, okay. Because it was quite fun that you laugh because normally I don't get many of them. Go on, do it again. Well, it was really expensive but there was a three for two offer on. I'll take it. Tell you, I'll take it. Anyone want to guess an amount of money in Great British Pounds? Oh, I was going to say 89 netter points but I can't. Might be. Hang on, let me just convert it. No. It's close. Ding-a-ding. Susanna. 4.6 million. No. It obviously has to be in a ball pool of three because there were three of them. No. I forgot about Danny's offer. And for the second bonus question, what did the museum then ask him to do following this? What did they ask him to do? Get the PVA, stick them all back together. No. Write lines. I must do my shoelaces up half a million times. Wear Velcro for the rest of his life. It was in fact a quote, not to visit again in the near future. I was actually going to say that but then I thought you should have not. Were you? Yeah, I was. That's a point. But I just thought what museum tells somebody to ever come back? Okay, question three. On the American version of Antiques Roadshow expert Stephen Fletcher valued a grotesque face jug at $30,000 to $50,000 comparing it to a Picasso whilst praising its impressive techniques. Who in fact was responsible for these impressive techniques? Uh, ping-pong-poo. Danny. It's got to be their child down at a nursery or something. Half a point. Ah! Bed. One of those elephants which they gave like a brush to. Oh, they're great. Yeah. No, not one of those. No. Boop. There is, yeah, that Instagram filter that puts your face into a cartoon. No, it was not. Printed onto a jug. No, it was in fact an Oregon teenager called Betty Sewell who made it for her 1973 high school ceramics project and then sold it at a yard sale. For $50,000? For $50,000. No, for very little. Is he still employed? I probably not. I don't know. He's probably dead. Question four. I mean, that seems a bit dramatic. I don't have any knowledge. I mean, have you seen him recently? No. This is the first I've heard about him for a while, actually. He's the first. Not been responding to my tax. So, question four. What does John Resnikoff hold the world record for having 115 of? 115. World record. Uh, boop. Chris? Fragments of Qing Dynasty cars. No, it was not. Ding-a-ling. Susanna. Toes. 115 toes. Can you imagine? Yeah. Not all his, obviously, that would be. That would be amazing. Just all up both sides of his legs. Yeah. All the way around. Like having fringed jeans. Yeah. It'll take him ages to get him painted. Yeah. Boop. Chris? Like memberships to auction houses. That's really boring. Don't just, don't take that one. If that's worth a point, I don't want it. It is, in fact, locks of hair of celebrities. Yeah. In his $1 million insured collection, he owns locks from Abraham Lincoln, Elvis Presley, Napoleon, JFK, and Marilyn Monroe. After getting into legal trouble for paying a barber $3,000 for Neil Armstrong's hair clippings, Reznikov now has a strict policy. I don't do living celebrities anymore, he said. That has stalker connotations. It just goes after the deadies. How do you get, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but how on earth do you get a lock of hair of Abraham Lincoln? Well, it's like, and even worse, JFK. It's like the old, it's like the old cameo, isn't it? It's the cameo of its day, isn't it? No. Sell a lock of your hair? Just give them out. If I offered Suzanne T. Jones 50 quid for a lock of her hair, she would take the money, never come back on Idiot Wind again, and never see her. And or call the police? I don't think it's the name. No, I'd call 50, yeah. I just can't get the image of JFK's poor head. Why would somebody be taking a lock from that? I wonder if they took it from the back to the left. No, do you know what? Let's move on. That's nice. And that's the end of round two. Let's go to Matthew and see who scored points. Well, it is all change here. Suzanne and Team Jones are falling behind, still on two and a half, but the red team have jumped ahead by a measly one point with three and a half. Okay, we'll be back after these messages. Do you love hide-and-seek but are always being found and find yourself searching for hours? Well, you need hide-and-seek pro monthly, the new magazine from pastime publications. Each month, we'll talk to hide-and-seek pros so you can benefit from their elite experience to power up your game. Issue 1 features an interview with Devon regional champion Clem Watney, in which he lifts the lid on how the use of Nike Vision goggles has 10x'd his seeking game. In addition to all that great content, each issue comes with a free gift, such as a stylish faux leatherette blindfold, laminated counting charts with numbers 1 to 100, and polycarbonate retractable seeking glasses. Get Issue 1 now for the introductory price of £4.99. Usual price £24.99. Take medical advice before hiding or seeking for extended periods. Podface! Welcome back to Part 2 of Idiowind! We are looking at the world of antiques and collecting today, and the next round I'm very excited about. That's right! Round 3 is Hot High Got a Lot of Stuff Kaplunk! Which many of you will remember from the first series of Idiot when we played Hot Rich Kaplunk. Well, it's back! It was a game so successful we brought it back just a mere six years later to play again. So, this is how Hot High Got a Lot of Stuff Kaplunk works. We've got a Kaplunk set. Matthew's now setting it up and putting the straws and the old marbles in. And then in a in a in a in a in a in a yes yes that's what's going to happen. So, I've got this habit of talking as if I've got an earpiece in but I haven't got an earpiece in. People are saying stuff to me. Yes. Yes. Okay. Everybody's going to take it in terms to put out a straw. Marbles may or may not fall. The marbles that you get have we're going to use the the traditional Kaplunk marble markings like greyhounds have the same markings. There's an official Kaplunk marking so we're going to use that. I will let Matthew know which marbles have fallen out. Each marble will have on it a one of ten types of things that are collected there's ten Guinness World Records for people collecting things and you have to guess what the number is. I'll tell you the thing that someone's collected to get a world record. So they've got the most of this thing in the world. There's a world record. There's a world record. Okay. And you have to guess how many of that thing you've got. You get a point for being within ten percent of that and then also the person at the end who has the most number of things if you total up all of the number of things of the marbles of the things written on the marbles and then whoever has the most wins unless we're playing it golf style and then whoever has the least wins. Good. Anyone need me to go over any of that again? We're going to play Kaplunk. The marbles that you get will lead to I'll explain it as we go. Does anyone understand what's happening? No, not really. That was absolutely amazing. We're going to play Kaplunk and then you'll have to make a guess. I'll tidy this up in post. It'll be fine. Chris, I've put all the straws in my ears. Well, okay, that's fine. Put all of the marbles in your mouth, please. whichever end up in your pants, we will go with. All right. Let's do this. Matthew, who's up first, please? In no particular order, Chris P. Chris P. Let's have a go, Chris. If you'd just like to. Oh, yeah. Let me just put a straw. There we go. One. You've got one that has drawn in and that is a Welsh rarebit. You've got the Welsh rarebit marble. And that item is trolls. Trolls. Are you familiar with trolls? Yeah. Yeah. The real thing. The toys. Ray Dyson, the collector, has the world record for the number of trolls. How many trolls? And if you're within 10%, you get a point. Okay, I think he's got 6,200 trolls. You are way off. Matthew, how many has he got, in fact? 1,754. Okay, so you didn't get your point for guessing the number, but you've gained 1,754 marble points. So we'll see how that gets you on the rest of the round. Matthew, who's next? Next is Ed. Ed, okay. If you'd like to approach the kaplunk. Yeah. What technique are you going for? I'm going to go for the bendiest one. Oh, four. He's got four marbles. Wow, you big show off. Okay, first marble is big attitude. What's the item, Matthew? Bagpipes. Bagpipes. Danny Fleming owns the most bagpipes in the world. How many bagpipes does Danny Fleming own? Okay, that's got to be a lot of bagpipes. It's quite easy to get bagpipes these days. So I'd say for an impressive amount, 26,302. Was he within 10% Matthew? No. What? What's the answer? 105. 105, okay. Okay, so you've got 105 points, but you've got more marbles. Your next marble is the Parthenon themed marble. Pizza boxes. Pizza boxes. Scott Wiener has the most pizza boxes in the world. Scott Wiener. Scott Wiener. He sounds like the kind of guy who would have the most pizza boxes in the world. That's the perfect name for it. How many boxes does Mr. Wiener have? Okay. Oh. 200,000. Matthew, is 200,000 within 10%? No. What's the correct answer? 600. 600. Is that it? That's nothing. We've got a challenge, haven't we? And finally, this last marble is the Gary Lineker marble. Non-duplicated fridge magnets. Non-duplicated fridge magnets. Louise J. Farb owns the most non-duplicated fridge magnets. How many does Sharon? Oh, okay. Well, 32 then. 32. That's it because they seem to be surprisingly low. 35,000. 35,000. Okay, but you've still got a load of points there. So, well done, Ed. Very nice. Okay, we're going to move on to, is it Susanna next or plenty. It is Susanna C. Jones next. STJ. STJ. STJ. Oh, I'm going for this very bristly one near the top. That's one. Okay, and it's the charmed marble. Banknotes with similar serial numbers. Banknotes with similar serial numbers. God, people really do have hobbies, don't they? I think it's all banknotes from the same country. Am I not allowed to ask? No, they're from lots of different countries so he likes collecting the same serial number from a lot of countries. Oh, cool. Okay. Yeah, you're into this. There's only so many countries, I guess. 190 something, I suppose. 301. 301. Matthew. It's 100,000. 100,000. Oh, God. From Hassan, Bill, Ali, and El, Nami. Well done, Sidanti Jones. You scored a lot of points there. That, I think, puts you in the lead so far. We'll find out from Matthew. How exciting is this, everyone? This is great. Dani, would you like to approach the Kaplan? Yes, I am. I'm going to do it in a non-traditional fashion. Oh, how are you going to do it? I'm going to do it on my hands through my legs. Lovely. Oh, there she goes. She's very bendy. Yeah, you've been rewarded. You've got three through the legs there. And the first one is the meaty marble. Oh, Darth Vader merchandise. Darth Vader merchandise. How many items are Darth Vader merchandise? Well, I mean, I've got quite a lot myself, so I'm, yeah, I mean, I've got the dressing up bits and bobs. I've got the pyjamas. I suppose there's the pillowcase. It's not about you, Dani. Oh, okay, no. I reckon there's probably, if I've got seven, then it's probably 41,000. 41,000. Not bad. It's 60,000. 60,000. It's not bad, but it's still wrong. The next marble is the wet marble. Oh, napkins. Napkins. Oh, I do love a napkin. I like to have a napkin that you can reuse. Although sometimes, I'm not going to lie, sometimes I sneak them in and I haven't washed them in between guests. What? Oh, God. I'm so sorry, everybody, if you've ever eaten around here. Yeah. Anyway, enjoy your food, everyone. Napkins. Right. Okay. We do the same with the plates. Historically, our napkins go back a long way, so I reckon these could be at least 11. So, I'm going to say 247,500. Wow. Also not correct. That would be a lot of napkins. It's only a mere 62,500. That doesn't seem even worth it, does it? Again, they're just setting aspirational goals. Okay, and finally, your last one is Startlington Shandle. Sick bags. Sick bags. What's the world record number of sick bags collected? Is this used or not used? It's unspecified. I would say it could be either. His name is Nick Vermeulian. Well, I reckon Nick's probably at least 26,000. So, and probably done at least 11 flights. So, I'm thinking I'm going to say 56. 6,016 sick bags. Yes, I think you can, there's a big sort of market for these. You don't have to have flown to get them. Oh, I see. You can get them on the old... You can buy them on sick bags. Sickbags.com. There is a sickbag.com place. I have absolutely no idea. There will be by the time this airs. Yes. Okay, I think that brings us to the end of this round. Excellent Kaplunk playing everybody. Lovely straw skills. Can I put this back in Matt's ear now? You put it back in Matt's ear. Lovely. Can I get off my hands now? Yep, you can. Matthew, let's go over and see. So, we got... Did we get... Did anyone get a... No. So, that incredible round managed a grand total of zero points for actually getting the amount close. Okay. But, in terms of the highest score for collectible junk, it's Danny. Oh, fantastic. Well done, Dan. So, Danny gets a point. All right, it's time for the last round. It's time for round four, which is questions. Okay, let's remind ourselves of our buzzers. Danny's buzzer goes. Matthew's buzzer goes. Chris's buzzer goes. Ed's buzzer goes. And Susanna's buzzer goes. Okay, off we go. Question one. What did a 12-year-old Taiwanese boy accidentally do to Paolo Papora's 350-year-old painting flowers worth $1.5 million? Susanna. Sneeze on it. He did not sneeze on it. Ed? Put it in the shredder with his invoices. He did not put it in the shredder with his invoices. This kid's 12. How much admin is he doing? How many invoices did you send out when you were 12? I'd say like five a week. Danny threw up in it and then used it as a sick bag. No. He tripped up whilst holding a drink and accidentally punched a hole in it. Question and they probably asked him to not come back in the near future. Do you think museums like have a radar thing on people's feet and then they just sort of highlight any potential damage and that's what these security people are actually looking at. And then a kid goes I love that. I love the idea of someone punching a hole in a Picasso. I don't know why. What does that make me? Okay. Question two. What do MRE enthusiasts do? Boop. Chris? They like to get up in the morning. Maybe have a little cup of coffee. Do a workout. They probably do have a point. Yeah. Who doesn't? Chris? Go shopping. You know. Watch films. I'm not sure how far Matthew's going to go with you on this. Any other guesses? Do they like getting brain scans but they're dyslexic? No. Boopity boo. Danny. I mean we're obviously talking about Mary Robert Ejai. No we're actually talking about Steve 1989 MRE Info is the name of his YouTube channel. Oh yeah but Mary Robert Ejai is also a fan and what they like to do is they like to mesh really immerse Enthusiastically. Enthusiastically. Emerson Lake and Palmer. No it's a great answer. Do you be surprised to know it's not true. They do in fact eat Second World War military rations and other military rations. Do you know what? After reading this I checked this out the other night. It's compelling viewing. It's mostly one guy opening pots of cheese paste that were put in a thing in the 1940s and going oh oh god oh god this one's oh it's awful. And like lots of like things that just come out of cans. That's incredible. He ought to marry up with the guy from Antiques Roadshow who opened up the wee bottle. Drank the piss. Yeah they should get together. They call themselves piss and cheese. It's like Alfie Bowen Michael Ball. Piss and cheese. Question three. Where was an antiques expert surprised to find the 26 million dollar Simaboo painting Christ Mocked? Ah! Ed. Screw Fitz car park in Kingsland. No it was not. It was in fact in an elderly French woman's kitchen hung up behind a hot plate to stop fat from splattering on the wallpaper. Question four. What did bored monks doogle in the margins of the 14th century copy of the Roman of the Rose? Danny. Cock and balls. Half a point. Oh wow. Boo. Ed. Tits. No. Boo. Chris. I was going to do a serious answer but I have to say arse. Arses. What was your serious answer? No it wasn't serious. It was I was going to say monkeys but not not the animal. Monk keys. Yeah to get into so that you know how to get in the building. Very nice. How you lock up at night. That's very good. Monk keys. Ding. Susanna. Hands. No it was in fact dick trees. Dick trees. Question five. Why are the surviving 15 wicked bibles worth $50,000 each? Pippity pooh. Danny. These are the wicked as in musical wicked. No. Boo. Oh then I don't know. Because they're featured on this podcast and become. Oh get you. No there's absolutely no money in this podcast. I should have made you aware of that before you came on. So what you're talking about is a wicked bible. They're known as the wicked bibles. There's 15 of them that survive. Why are they worth $50,000 each? Boop. Chris. They've had monks drawing in them. No. There's no dick trees. They actually contain a misprint in the Ten Commandments and state thou shalt commit adultery. Oh. Are you sure that's only in 15? All the bibles I remember that. Are you talking about because of the popularity of adultery? Well yeah. Amongst other things. It's the perennial favourite. Adultery. Okay. Question six. What did casino mogul... That's a strange way to say casino wasn't it? What did... I've done it to David Bowie. What did the casino mogul Steve win due to his $130 million Picasso painting whilst excitedly showing his face his friends... I'm not listening. ...his friends' new purchase? What did casino mogul Steve win due to his $130 million Picasso painting while excitedly showing his friends his new purchase? Peep-peep-oo. Danny. Fall over his shoes and put his head through it. Show his shoes and put his head through it. No. Anyone else? Peep-peep-oo. Someone other than Danny needs to buzz in and make some shit up. Yes, Danny. Tricks someone else's... Bwee. No. Chris. The thing with the fat on the wall, was it? The cooking woman? No, what you were all thinking of is previous questions. This is a new question. Well, that's how comedy works. It's very similar to one of the other ones. I'm sitting here wondering why the fuck I've put this in. Because it's arguably not as good as the previous one. Danny. Where's that pizza? Sorry, what was the question? Why did casino mogul Steve win? What did he do to his $130? He put his elbow through it. Oh, come on. I was close with his head. Question seven. No, head and elbow. At least a two-thirds of a metre away. They do very different damage to paintings. Matthew has put all of his bodily implements through many art. It is true. Yeah, you should have seen what he did to Damien Hust's sheep and formaldehyde. Question seven. What is the cause of most damage to artefacts in museums since 2010? Sorry, I didn't mean to look at you. The answer is not Susanna T Jones. That's what you think. And da ding, because you've made eye contact. Is it camera flashes? Yeah, I'll give you that. It's people taking selfies, is what it is. I was starting to think that because of this podcast that it was actually just pieces of bodies hitting it. Pieces of bodies flying everywhere. That's what this podcast does to people. It makes them literally explode. question eight. Not in a good way. Question eight. What is the oldest thing you've seen? Chris? The night sky. Very good. 13.5 billion years. Yeah. Any advance on that? Danny? Well, I saw some really old cheese from the 1940s and that was quite odd. Yeah, lovely. Ed, the stain on my kitchen countertop. Da ding. Susanna? Danny's unwashed napkins. That has stuck in your mind, hasn't it? You are never coming around here for a dinner party. Or at least you're bringing your own napkins. Also bring your own food, I would if I were you. Question nine. If you fancy a tipple, would you visit a low boy, a tantalus, or a whatnot? Da ding. Susanna? Tantalus? Yes, it's the correct answer. A tantalus is a lockable, as I'm sure you know, is a lockable stand containing decanters named after the Greek mythological figure who could never reach what he desired. It was tantalised. So it's like one of those street lending libraries, but for boozers. Yeah, exactly that. They should bring that back. Yeah, I like it. A low boy is the opposite of a tall boy, and a whatnot is a set of open shelves that will display nick-nacks and curiosities, literally for what-nots. People can't think of names for things, can they? No. Can you think of anything else, another example of something that people can't think of names for, and it's named really obviously? I mean, I think a table's named really obviously, but then I have the benefit of knowing that it is a table. What's that thing-a-bob you've got down there? My penis. What is that called again? It's called Richard. That's my passport photo. I call it Matthew. My penis is your passport photo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, okay, well I've forgotten to write question ten, so that's the end of the quiz! Let's go over to Matthew Corner now and see what the final scores are. Well, as you know, this podcast very rarely gets interesting, but every now and again there is a almost fight to the death for final points, and that last point has just swayed it. Oh my God. Winners by half a point with seven and a half is Susanna Team Jones. The red team falling behind at last hurdle with just seven. Well done, Susanna Team Jones. Susanna! I mean, half a point, that's one of the closest ever margins we've had. How does it feel coming in hot on the heels of your first team captain appearance? Taking the win by half a point, how do you feel? Incredible, Chris. I've been chasing this high for years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can see you're buzzing. It takes me back to my first ever idiot wind. Yeah, right. Of course, which you know, we, of course, we both remember him incredibly well. It's like a flashbulb memory, you know? Yeah. Yeah, it's one of those things you just don't forget. I'm sort of unpleasant. Oh, horrible. In your face, I'm unpleasant. Traumatic, actually. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we'll let you go and celebrate with the fans in the minute. I can see they're getting going on the sweet Caroline, so we'll let you go and join in. But have you got any word for your fans out there, maybe youngsters who are looking at you thinking, I'd like to be Susanna Thomas-Jones when I'm older? I'd say cloning. It's for future. They should clone you or themselves? Well, both, and then the two of us can hang out, you know, twice. As always, excellent advice. And don't forget it's only 50 quid for a lock of hair. Chris, thank you so much for coming back on. It wasn't to be today. How are you going to come, Missouri? My pleasure. Wait, I won, didn't I? Half a point. Half a point. It was probably your half a point. It might have been. Yeah, that time we got half a point. I'm so sorry. I forgot that there was anyone other than Susanna C. Jones. It sounds like it's her team. And her team only. There's no space for you, I'm afraid. Sorry, what I meant was well done. Ed, I'm so sorry. That's okay. It's the second thing we lost today. What was the first thing? Bargain hunt. Oh, yes, of course. Yeah, I forgot about that. Unlucky the red team. It all comes in three, Ed, so what are we going to lose next? Oh, no. I don't know, but I'll see you on tipping points. And as ever, we're just going to end with a bit of wisdom from one of the best people. It's Matthew. If you are going to stick Kaplunk straws in your ears, please clean them first. Yeah. The theme music is Yes I Do by the Melvins. This has been a Podface production. Hotface.